Author youngnlove89 Posted July 5, 2013 Author Posted July 5, 2013 check out the story of a buddy of mine i put on here I have morals. I have never cheated or done anything like that. I would never. And when I hang out with guy friends, I always invite my boyfriend because I respect him. Now, if I had slept with this guy friend, then I could understand his insecurity and concerns. Just like how he slept with his one girl friend. I didn't like him hanging out with her. But this case is different.
Emilia Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 check out the story of a buddy of mine i put on here so because something negative happened to your friend, it is what is expected?
Author youngnlove89 Posted July 5, 2013 Author Posted July 5, 2013 I guess, in a weird way, it's kind of cute that he feels like he needs to do this. I don't mean that in a bad way, because I let him know that I love him and I show him every way possible. But for my boyfriend (who has commitment issues) to be concerned about losing me, makes me feel like he cares about me enough to want to fight for me, try hard to keep me and compete for me. Although, he really shouldn't feel that way because he knows how much I love him and how much I have fought for him. 1
The Shepherd Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 So do you have a lot of guy friends? It seems that you do and that would raise a red flag. When it comes to women guy friends are a kind of sticky situation because they can say or do things to the guy the woman is with and if he reacts to it then it causes problems for him and the woman unless she sees it for herself. I agree. Men compete. It could be conscious or subconscious even if they are not interested in the said woman.
Emilia Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 I guess, in a weird way, it's kind of cute that he feels like he needs to do this. I don't mean that in a bad way, because I let him know that I love him and I show him every way possible. But for my boyfriend (who has commitment issues) to be concerned about losing me, makes me feel like he cares about me enough to want to fight for me, try hard to keep me and compete for me. Although, he really shouldn't feel that way because he knows how much I love him and how much I have fought for him. He is a man, you can't quite rationalise testosterone and male competition this way. It's the way he is wired, it's at least about him as it is about you. Just best accepted and sort of ignored I'd say.
thefooloftheyear Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 I know this is directed to another poster, but I will answer too. I would have a problem, and sometimes I do. But I don't ever try to portray that because I trust my bf and I have to let him have his own life too. I don't want to be that controlling gf. Now, there was a conflict between us that happened a couple months ago where he wanted to hang out with this girl he used to sleep with, but they are just friends now. And I understand that you can be friends after you have relations with one another. I still keep in touch with some of the guys I've slept with. But this bothered me (because she was attractive), So I confronted him about my concerns. He respected them and hasn't talked/hung out with her since I told him about my concerns. I didn't tell him he CAN'T hang out with her, I didn't give him ultimatums. I just simply said, "this makes me uncomfortable and insecure. I don't like it" I wasn't trying to control him, but just voiced my insecurities about it. If he were to do this, I would respect him and make him more comfortable by not hanging out with this person. But there are still lines. I don't want to be controlling and I don't want him to be controlling either. This guy friend is purely platonic, never slept with him and I offered my bf to hang out with us. Thank you for being honest.. Before everyone jumped all over me, all I was trying to say is that it will usually create tension in a relationship. I wouldnt want my SO to feel threatened by someone who I just consider a friend. Id politely tell them not to contact me in a casual way, they can still be friends with casual contact. I woudnt FORCE that person to disown their friend. I agree that would be controlling. I only see it as a way of being considerate of the person next to me that means a lot to me. If it affects, hurts them or gives them a feeling of incecurity ,then I need to stop doing it. If you cant successfully have both, I believe its a nice gesture to show allegiance to your SO over your friend..Again, it doesnt mean you have to disown that friend, just dont put yourself in a position to make the other person uncomfortable. I guess some people think that is unacceptable. (shrug). TFY
joystickd Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 I have morals. I have never cheated or done anything like that. I would never. And when I hang out with guy friends, I always invite my boyfriend because I respect him. Now, if I had slept with this guy friend, then I could understand his insecurity and concerns. Just like how he slept with his one girl friend. I didn't like him hanging out with her. But this case is different. The potential problem is not you but them. They may not like the person you are with. They may not say it but may do things to ruin it. It's funny because most people assume insecurity thinking you will worrying about the person you with cheating with the friend but for me its the opposite I worry about the friend causing drama. The man you are with may meet your friend and do something you think is cool but may not vibe well with him and from then on he may not like him and you will hear about it. There is other potential drama other than cheating. What if something happened and your man and your friend fight who would you choose? Would you stay friends with your friend or end your friendship?
joystickd Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 HAHA! How so? I have more male friends for this exact reason: to avoid drama. When it comes to men and women get in the mix there is a potential for drama
Author youngnlove89 Posted July 5, 2013 Author Posted July 5, 2013 The potential problem is not you but them. They may not like the person you are with. They may not say it but may do things to ruin it. It's funny because most people assume insecurity thinking you will worrying about the person you with cheating with the friend but for me its the opposite I worry about the friend causing drama. The man you are with may meet your friend and do something you think is cool but may not vibe well with him and from then on he may not like him and you will hear about it. There is other potential drama other than cheating. What if something happened and your man and your friend fight who would you choose? Would you stay friends with your friend or end your friendship? I understand that. In that case, I would definitely pick my boyfriend over my friend. But my friend isn't that way, and once my bf meets him I think he will be fine. In fact, I think they will become good friends. They are very similar.
The Shepherd Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 OP, your boyfriend has issues if he feels the need to establish dominance. It is something that happens naturally. He is looking for trouble if he doesn't realize this.
joystickd Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 I understand that. In that case, I would definitely pick my boyfriend over my friend. But my friend isn't that way, and once my bf meets him I think he will be fine. In fact, I think they will become good friends. They are very similar. Cool! Hopefully it works out.
Author youngnlove89 Posted July 5, 2013 Author Posted July 5, 2013 OP, your boyfriend has issues if he feels the need to establish dominance. It is something that happens naturally. He is looking for trouble if he doesn't realize this. We all have issues. I'm sure I'd create "womanly dominance" between me and one of his girl friends, either by holding his hand or flirting with him in front of her. It's a natural instinct. It's just cute that he mentioned it verbally. How is he looking for trouble? 1
The Shepherd Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 How is he looking for trouble? If he tries to establish dominance by saying or doing things, other men might not like it and things could escalate into fist fights or more and he could end up in jail or prison. In a group setting a leader is chosen either consciously or subconsciously (emerges naturally because of their qualities) by the members of the group.
Author youngnlove89 Posted July 5, 2013 Author Posted July 5, 2013 If he tries to establish dominance by saying or doing things, other men might not like it and things could escalate into fist fights or more and he could end up in jail or prison. In a group setting a leader is chosen either consciously or subconsciously (emerges naturally because of their qualities) by the members of the group. This all sounds so silly to me. My boyfriend is never the one to initiate fights, he is very mature. That sounds juvenile to me, to create a fist fight to establish dominance? I would not find that attractive at all. I don't know why guys need to have this dominance thing going on. Although, it's kind of sexy to see a guy trying to claim you as his. I don't mind that. I just don't want him to feel threatened by my own friend. If it were a random guy then I can see that. But my friend is a good guy and is also mature and wouldn't ever try to steal me away.
Woggle Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 The way I see it is that if a woman has low enough character to cheat on me I don't want her anyway. I am not fighting another guy over somebody who can't be honest on her own accord.
Author youngnlove89 Posted July 5, 2013 Author Posted July 5, 2013 The way I see it is that if a woman has low enough character to cheat on me I don't want her anyway. I am not fighting another guy over somebody who can't be honest on her own accord. This is exactly the attitude I have developed. I used to have trust issues, and I still do. But this has been my new attitude. If someone is going to cheat, they are going to cheat and there is nothing you can do about it.
tbf Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 My boyfriend was saying if he does meet him, "he will have to establish dominance so I will still find him desirable". I was thinking "what did you just say to me?!" haha I've never heard of such a thing. And he wasn't kidding. He said it's actual very common for men to do this and there are many subtle ways of establishing dominance.Be prepared for
thefooloftheyear Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 This is exactly the attitude I have developed. I used to have trust issues, and I still do. But this has been my new attitude. If someone is going to cheat, they are going to cheat and there is nothing you can do about it. Look at it this way.... Lets say you wanted to lose some weight and put yourself on a diet... Would it be considerate of your bf to bring home pizza and ice cream every night and leave all kinds of stuff around and in the fridge that he knows you arent supposed to be eating? The answer should be no. Because its a nice and considerate thing to do...If he's not on a diet, he can eat what he wants, but it doesnt mean he has to "test" your willpower by leaving under your nose...if it doesnt bother you and you can look at all the crap food without issue, then have at it. But judging from your responses you arent good with it...So he should go on a diet with you, or at the very least not leave the stuff around.. Does that make any sense? TFY
Author youngnlove89 Posted July 5, 2013 Author Posted July 5, 2013 Be prepared for Unfortunately, I'm at work and can't watch it. what is it?
tbf Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 Unfortunately, I'm at work and can't watch it. what is it?Just wait until you're able to watch it. It loses its impact when explained textually.
Ryan R. Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 Read up on AMOGing. Probably what he is referring to. Yes, it happens. I think it's a sign of insecurity in most cases. Bunch of men trying to one up each other like they're peacocks showing off their tail feathers to attract the female. I can understand a man taking charge when it comes to dating women, but when he tries to be all alpha in a group of other men, it's just like, whatever, dude. Sorry about your small penis. I know a bunch of guys who try to AMOG all the time. They get reeeeeeeally annoying. To them, if you aren't alpha, you're the lowliest of betas. One time when my friends and I were in New York, we all decided on a place to go eat. He didn't want to eat there, so he threw a temper tantrum. "**** that place, **** you guys, you guys are a bunch of betas!" and he stormed off and went to go eat somewhere else. Then again, that guy can be a big baby at times and its like "cmon, grow up".
gaius Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 But my friend is a good guy and is also mature and wouldn't ever try to steal me away. I have discussions like this with my girlfriend every once in a while and she doesn't seem to get it either. Men aren't your friends because they enjoy your friendship. He may have resigned himself to not having you for now but that doesn't mean it's not on his mind and wouldn't change if he met your boyfriend and decided he was the stronger one. When I was young and first started dating I had this friend who was like a big brother to me. Unemployed, ugly, kind of stupid, prone to temper tantrums, not that funny, borderline hermit. He had not one thing going for him. So I figured what's the threat of letting him hang out with me and the girl I was seeing? Maybe it would shake him out of his dole drums, being reminded what a relationship was like. Boy was that a mistake. I had no idea how arousing women find it when one guy has some kind of authority dynamic over another. Even if they aren't in touch with it. The fact he was 1/10th the guy I was couldn't override the fact I let him play the big brother.
joystickd Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 I have discussions like this with my girlfriend every once in a while and she doesn't seem to get it either. Men aren't your friends because they enjoy your friendship. He may have resigned himself to not having you for now but that doesn't mean it's not on his mind and wouldn't change if he met your boyfriend and decided he was the stronger one. It's sad a lot of women don't get it then scream insecurity because a guy doesn't want to date them because of guy friends. There is a lot women still don't get about men.
KungFuJoe Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 OMG, why do people here always feel like they get to speak for ALL men or ALL women. I have and have had PLENTY of female friends in my life. Some VERY attractive but I felt NO desire or want to be with them. My best female friend (of nearly 20 years) is a very attractive woman and my wife has never had a problem with us being friends. In fact, my wife is slowly stealing her away from me as they have become very close. Perhaps those of you who feel members of the opposite sex can't be friends is because you don't view them as "people" but as the "opposing team". 1
joystickd Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 OMG, why do people here always feel like they get to speak for ALL men or ALL women. I have and have had PLENTY of female friends in my life. Some VERY attractive but I felt NO desire or want to be with them. My best female friend (of nearly 20 years) is a very attractive woman and my wife has never had a problem with us being friends. In fact, my wife is slowly stealing her away from me as they have become very close. Perhaps those of you who feel members of the opposite sex can't be friends is because you don't view them as "people" but as the "opposing team". I take it you feel the need to speak for all with the armchair analysis. Anyway there are a number of factors of why someone would have issues. 1. Guy may hide feelings. 2. Upon meeting guy may not like woman's boyfriend and try to ruin it 3. If woman was spending a lot of time with guy friend BF can be source of jealousy. Any number of reasons just because you are able to do it doesn't mean the rest of the world will. 1
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