Tasky Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 Wow, this actually turned into quite the story so, fair warning, this is kinda long. I have provided a TL;DR version down below though...and hopefully I posted this in the right section. I transferred to a new college back in Sept '12 and met quite a few new people. I was kinda friends, probably more acquaintances, with this one girl for most of the first semester. Towards winter break we started hanging out more and getting to know each other more but both of us were interested in someone else at the time (nothing came of it for either of us). We continued hanging out when school resumed after Christmas and this is when I started to get a crush on her. Sometime after this she came to my dorm room one day to just hang out and do homework. We eventually got on the topic of relationships and she mentioned that she liked this other guy. At this point I was like "Well heck, at least I wasn't that emotionally involved yet!" I was disappointed but knew I'd be able to move on knowing that nothing was going to happen between us. I still remained friends with her, I just figured a romantic relationship wasn't likely and was prepared to move on. She and some of her friends went on a school trip towards the end of January and we hung out periodically the week after they returned. One night, several of my friends (including crush) came to my dorm room to have a small party. She and I ended up on the topic of relationships again and she asked if I had feelings for her. I confessed that I did (my feelings from before hadn't yet faded) and she, to my surprise, said she felt the same about me. If I recall correctly, (we were both a little buzzed and I'm a total lightweight when it comes to drinking) we then started talking about where to go for a date but one of our friends distracted us and we never finished the conversation. The next morning I was anxious to finish our arrangements since this was the first time a girl I'd liked had reciprocated the feelings. When I mentioned plans for getting food she added something along the lines of "yeah and all our friends can come with!" I wasn't sure what to do. I felt like she was either: A)Too drunk and didn't remember what we'd talked about (likely since she does sometimes forget conversations she has had while drunk) or B)Said she liked me by mistake (unlikely due to what I later heard from her friend) I was pretty much tripping over my thoughts at this point and wasn't sure whether to straight up ask if she remembered the previous night or not. Looking back, (hooray hindsight) that probably wouldve been the best thing to do. I tried talking to her about it later but every time I saw her she was with another friend and I felt awkward bringing it up then. A couple days went by and I wasn't feeling any better and hadn't talked to her about it. Then she asked if she could come to my room and hang out. My roommate had moved out so I had the room to myself (and would till late March/early April which proved to be helpful later on) and said it was fine. Did homework for a bit and then ended up watching a movie on my bed. When it ended we sat talking for a bit but what she did next surprised me. She just leaned over and rested her head on my shoulder and we stayed that way until she left. We sat like that talking WELL past curfew (girls cant be on guy floors after such and such time and vicea versa) and this repeated the next day but she didn't stay as long that time. ****, writing this out I realize I shoulda made a move or something one of those days. Well, lesson learned there... A few days later, while talking to our mutual friend, I learned that my crush had told her that she liked me when they went on the school trip. In addition, she apparently wanted to kiss me those nights in my room but was too nervous. At this point I resolved to ask her out but, due to her working and my having to watch my step sibling that weekend, had to put it off to the next week. I planned to take her ice skating (she'd wanted to do this with people since December) and when I asked she initially said yes.Looking back, I feel like I might not have made it clear enough at the time that it was to be a date. I was thrilled and was excited for the next day. That night, however, I got the dreaded "Can we talk?" text and instantly knew things weren't as good as I thought. Met in person and she asked whether the ice skating was to be a date and I acknowledged it was. She then basically said she liked someone else (same guy she mentioned weeks ago) but still had feelings for me but didn't want to act on them at the moment. I was like a deer in headlights. All the signs and things I'd been told recently pointed to her liking me at least somewhat. I was upset (internally) but I didn't take it out on her. I said I understood (I didn't but just wanted to leave before completely breaking down) and then returned to my room where I promptly broke out the vodka, listened to music and drank. You know, the ol' standard. The next month or so was difficult, I felt lied to and like I'd been played for a fool. I was starting to wonder (and still kinda do) whether my crush actually told our friend she liked me or if our friend just wanted to "play cupid" so to speak. At several points I was on the verge of hating this girl because I felt like she just toyed with me, but I never reached that point. Eventually I calmed down and, though still upset about it, managed to move past it somewhat. Nothing ever happened between her and the guy she liked. He actually started dating this other girl which upset my friend but they never really hung out that much anyway so I was kinda confused about that bit... Eventually she, a couple friends and I had a party in her dorm room. Most of them left for one reason or another and when it was just the two of us she mentioned us being in a relationship and asked if I understood why she had said no. I said I didn't and she said something about how her depression makes her feel like she's not good enough for me. One of our friends returned at this point and nothing more was said on the subject. That's pretty much where we stand now. The two of us are still friends and still talk quite often. She lives across the state from me though so meeting in person isn't very practical. We get along quite well, have similar sense of humor and she's said numerous times I'm one of the few people that doesn't annoy her. I like hanging out with her and think she's a great person so I'd love to be in a relationship with her, or at least date once or twice to see if anything is "there". That being said, I know it won't work if It's one-sided and I'm the only one interested in it working. If she doesn't want to commit to it then I'm not going to keep prodding her. I've already set a deadline for myself when it comes to this. If nothing between us changes much by the time winter semester, Jan '14, begins, then I'm moving on. I'm still planning to be friends with her but there's no sense in waiting that much longer for something that'll likely never happen. I guess my reason for posting this is to see if anyone has any insight into this or suggestions what I could/should do. *Some extra info on her: She's never been in a relationship, she has been interested in other people but they've never returned the feelings or have been *******s. Not really a "popular" girl, more of a shy "wallflower" type. She does have some self-esteem issues and can be a bit harsh on herself. Smokes and drinks (not that heavily) when stressed out. TL;DR Version: Met girl, got crush on her, says and acts like she likes me, tells friend she likes me, I ask her out, says she likes someone else but still has feelings for me, guy she likes starts dating someone else, month later she says she said no cuz she feels isn't good enough for me cuz of depression, what do?
Appleness Posted July 6, 2013 Posted July 6, 2013 You are analyzing way too much. Let me simplify this for you into questions you can answer yourself. What you answer will help you to understand what you actually want and what you should do: -Do you enjoy her company to be with her even if she didn't have romantic feelings for you? -How would you feel if you knew you guys could be together but it would take lots of effort or that you'd have to wait a long long time (say, 5 years)? -Are you okay with just being a friend? Even a friend that listens to her talk about other guys? -Is there really no one else you're interested in?
TaraMaiden Posted July 6, 2013 Posted July 6, 2013 Wow, this actually turned into quite the story so, fair warning, this is kinda long. I have provided a TL;DR version down below though... ...<snip>... TL;DR Version: Met girl, got crush on her, says and acts like she likes me, tells friend she likes me, I ask her out, says she likes someone else but still has feelings for me, guy she likes starts dating someone else, month later she says she said no cuz she feels isn't good enough for me cuz of depression, what do? One: She 'liked' someone else.... Two: Even when he proved unavailable, she said she didn't want to go out with you 'cuz of depression'.... Three: She seemed perfectly willing and enthusiastic about going out with the other guy, in spite of her 'depression' though.... Four: Do the phrases 'keeping you at arm's length,', 'fall-back guy' and 'back-burner-boy' mean anything to you? 1
MrCastle Posted July 6, 2013 Posted July 6, 2013 She's more than likely using you for an ego boost when it doesn't work out with other guys. Admitting you have feelings for someone you never even kissed -- I don't know what that is, or what that's about. Don't do that. Talk "feelings" once there has been some level of physical intimacy. Who knows what would have been if you made a move on her when you were alone in the dorm, but in my experience, for whatever reason, women give you one chance to go after them. That was probably your chance. Even if she was willing then, she's not willing now. I've never had a situation in my life where I could have made a move, didn't, and then recovered at another time. Girls don't think like men and keep the door open for hooking up anytime, no matter what. You get your window of opportunity, and if you miss it, it's closed. You can continue being friends with her if you genuinely like her and don't mind just being a friend. If you find yourself too attracted to her you will only end up torturing yourself. I'd let her go if that was the case. You're in college. You're single. Life is too short to worry about women who you're not seeing romantically.
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