Is he leading me on, or is he genuinely interested for our future?

[Edraven]

Hi everyone,

 

I would really appreciate some input on my situation.

 

My ex of 3 and a half years broke up with me in mid-January (5 and a half months ago). Our break up was a snowball effect from our past (we started dating when we were 16, and broke up when we were both 20). Basically from the middle of high school to the middle of university, so a lot has happened.

 

His regular group of friends invited me to still hang out with them after we broke up, but I declined because the invite was from his cousin that has been contacting and flirting with me since the day we broke up. Even though this cost me a ticket back into his life, I felt like it would be too disrespectful to him if I were to hang out with his cousin without him there.

 

He also had conflicted feelings for another girl which he said made him feel guilty, but she is a lesbian who is in a committed relationship. To keep it short, she is his only close female friend and because she is not interested in men, they were able to become close which confused him. I can't blame him for being confused, and he confirmed that his feelings for her were not like being in love with me. He told me all this as if he is guilty from cheating so I do not believe he has ill intentions if he is this honest with me. They still text today and I can understand why she would be a factor as he does not want the guilt to return , even if they are just friends.

 

Fast forward to today, we gradually fell back into talking and hanging out as a couple would.

 

 

As of last week, he invited me to come paint balling with our old group of friends (as previously mentioned). We will be going next week. Although I do not want to be too hopeful, it seems like he is willing to start including me in his life again.

 

It appears as though his closest friends have a bad history with me as a result of unfortunate events as mentioned above. I can then understand why he is hesitant about us being together. Am I being too hopeful about his invite to come paint balling with our old group of friends as a step to include me in his life again? It is the first invite I got since the break up.

 

I asked him for an update with us a month ago, and he says things have simply been better than they were before and he has gotten used to how we are now and did not want to disturb things. He just wants to enjoy things as they are now.

I am aware that I have allowed him to have both me and everything else in his life without having to commit to me, but I want him to come back to me on his own terms because I make him happy enough and make enough effort for him (which he said was lacking from before) and not because i cut off contact and made him desperate. To put a limit though, I said I will only wait around for him until the end of summer (end of august) so that being broken up does not disturb my studies when we are back in school. He is approaching his last year of university, and I do not want him distracted with ex problems as well.

The end of august would mean we have been broken up for 8 months and I believe this is enough time for him to decide what to make of us. I don't want to rush him, but don't want to be on the side forever as well. At first he was cold and did not contact me. 5 and a half months later and he has invited me to hang out with his friends and we are talking every day now and hang out once or twice a week.

 

So finally, after kindly reading my long situation, do you think he has genuine intentions of seeing if we can be together again, or do you think he is only interested in having me as a girlfriend without the commitment?

 

Thank you so much for all your time!

[Yookie]

It's hard to say but I think you have a good plan since it includes a deadline. You seem to have a good assessment of what should happen before you get too involved emotionally... just stick to your plan and see how it plays out.

[tbf]

My opinion is that you're way too afraid to lose him so are attempting to rationalize less as being "enough with a deadline".

[Edraven]

Thanks for your input, you're definitely right. I'll let it ride out until then but I'll try to be more rational with the "deadline" coming up in two and a half months.

I wouldn't want to feel like it'll be a second break up if things don't work out after all.

[Ninjainpajamas]

You had a pretty good run considering your ages, I think logically that's enough for what it was...you are still both growing up and pursuing your own goals, I would advise you guys to put yourself first now instead of each other in the hopes of something working out...I think he's operating off of guilt and twisted and conflicted emotions, and you're just kind of hoping that something just works out and you don't lose him but it's just going to result in some other situation or event occurring...a lot of people like to call those "ups and downs" and if they are normal and supposed to happen but at this age I think you can still move on and have each other in your lives to a limited degree as friends, I think though a lot will change in the future and I don't think that's worth going through at your ages, it's part of just growing up.

 

There's also really nothing to wait around for, I think he's made up his mind and most guys don't want to lose the "security/safe" girl in their lives that is reliable, even if they aren't terribly emotionally compelled by you...a lot of guys try to force something that isn't there.

 

It's best for both of you if you go your separate way, I think he's going to string you a long most definitely out of convenience...once he gets a taste for other women and starts doing other things in his life...gaining that confidence and motivation that he could survive without you...I think it will eventually come to an end anyway...in a not so transparent way.

[Edraven]

Ninjainpajamas, Thank you for echoing the same thoughts I had pushed to the back of my mind. There really is no other way to explain why we act as a couple without him wanting to be in an actual relationship.

 

I think we do need to live life without each other. He clearly wants what will help himself grow the most while he's still young and I should too. It was nice growing up together but like you said, I definitely do not want to be around when he is getting interested in other women.

 

I started this thread out of the fear of being used for convenience, but I am now able to use that fear to rationalize that he no longer sees me as anything more than a reliable safety net. I'm hopeful for the both of us moving on without each other and eventually become regular friends.

 

Thanks everyone for your much appreciated input!