LuvNlost89 Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 (edited) Hi everyone, I am new here. I am in a very complex relationship and it's rather interesting. LONG story short, I am in a best friends with benefits relationship with my ex and have been for over 1.5 years. He recently moved back home because of a new job offer. He told me before he left he wanted to keep things the way they are between us--to which I am giving a shot. Mind you, we hung out everyday and this move is hard on me and before his move it seemed like he couldn't wait to get away from this town and me. When he moved back home he left a few days later to vacation out of the country for 3 weeks (and no contact with him) and when he got back he was VERY eager to talk to me and visit me (which he did about 1.5 weeks later). It seemed he did a 180 with his affection. He texted and called everyday and we talked for hours, including phone sex. I never saw him shower me with so much affection. But I am very confused on what to do lately. Here is what's going on since then. It's LONG STORY. In a nutshell, he visited me last weekend. He told me he HATES HIS NEW JOB AND WANTS TO MOVE BACK. Last week, the week before he came out he called and we talked a lot...about everything and had phone sex. He seemed really into me. And then last weekend he came to visit and it was great! He vented about work, living at home again, and we had a lot of sex including him ejaculating in me and I used Plan B. When I dropped him off at the airport he said he would call when he gets home. Well......he texted instead--this is where I got kinda irritated. Then it got late, and I texted him "that's it!?" He called me and was just really irritable and said "you freak out with me not calling when I get home for only 3 hours." It was a mess on the phone. He seemed irritated and just annoyed with me like he USED to be before he moved. So for 2 days I ignored his calls and texts. I responded maybe once or twice. I did this because I knew if we talked on the phone, he would just seem blah, in addition to me just being depressed. Then, on Wednesday about 2pm I answered his call and I told him "I can't talk now". He asked "can you talk later?" I said sure. Well, that night it got late and I didn't hear from him, so I texted him "hey, thought you wanted to talk" He texted back this: "I've been trying to get ahold of you for almost 24 hours and barely got 10 words from you on the phone that one time. You've had time to Facebook but couldn't send one lousy text. I'm out playing pool with my buddy, I'll call you when I'm done." I texted him back I am sorry and he is right. When he called, he was nasty and angry. I felt he didn't understand WHY i was ignoring him. It was because I am severely depressed. We finally came to an even level and were okay, but he used his old excuse of having to get up early for work so he had to go. Which I found odd because a week ago he stayed on the phone with me really late. So the next day, I texted him and felt I had to initiate everything. He would say he is doing things WE used to do together with his family. It seems like he is rubbing it in my face. I told him he isn't being himself and he said it's because he hates work and doesn't want to be in CA. I asked him what he is going to do about it and he said he is going to find a new job and patiently wait to see me. I told him "all i can say is do what makes you happy" and he said ok. I asked him if he wants space, and he said no...just a nap. I feel he is being distant and irritable. I am not getting the level of affection and I'm unsatisfied and not sure what to do. Please don't just say get rid of him. It's not an option. I am honestly at a loss. We haven't had phone sex or anything since his visit. I know me ignoring him didn't help, but that night he got home after visiting me really disturbed me. So many websites say give him space, others say tell him you are not satisfied with the level of affection you are getting so I am utterly confused. I don't know what to do or think AND how to keep him interested. Edited July 5, 2013 by LuvNlost89
IfiKnewThen Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 please go out and buy the book why men love bitches. seriously. spend a day reading it. its an easy read. no i dont sell books lol. but i read it and it works and makes utter sense. it will empower you. enuff said. i promise you...you will relate.
IfiKnewThen Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 ps. did i say read that book? YES! omg its good. true and will empower you . help you to keep strong with him and will tell you why its not good to chase him or even give him that impression. so much more to it. so please........get it. do yourself a favor.
CherryT Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 First, no one understands WHY you ignore them unless you tell them. They're not a mind reader. I don't think this guy did anything wrong... you're not in a relationship and he has no obligation to call OR GIVE YOU AFFECTION. Why? He is NOT your boyfriend. You have to find more value in yourself then holding on to when a guy accepts phone sex from you and thinking that's affection or love. He is stressed because he moved to a new city and started a new job. Unfortunately he doesn't like it... have you ever moved away and had a job you really didn't like? Or have you even had a job where you really didn't like it and you have a support system and lived close to friends and family? It's not easy. At the end of the day you are a friends-with-benefit. He doesn't owe it to you to be your emotional support. I'm sorry to say this but there's nothing you can do. If he wanted to be in a relationship with you, he would be. And in order for you to get affection from a partner, they need to be your partner. 1
IfiKnewThen Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 yikes i had to come back here to say this. no one owes anyone anything...but its the decent thing to do. to me...he does owe her common courtesy. but i dont think this is about what he owes her or not. she is in pain. hes is an ex...who she still loves and wants apparently. and maybe she thinks friends with benefits...gets the guy. lots of females ...think oh if i act like a friend and i give him sex, what more could he want? but there is more to it...so please read that book because it explains, how that approach is hurtful to you...and why they love bitches. not bitches who are mean and nasty....but bitches equaling "confident" woman. yes he disrespected her for not calling like she asked...and texting instead...but he did get in touch and that good ....and to act insecure because it wasn't a call makes him lose the "attraction" for her. attraction keeps a man interested. but you want respectable interest. pursuing you keeps him "invested". if you build up your confidence more and set standards with him...in a non confrontational way.....by how YOU act and treat yourself right, (you almost dont have to say a word) he will likely want you and treat you with respect. and if he doesn't lovingly and respectfully pursue you then.......then he has got to go. and you have to find someone new who you respect and will respect you. yes he is all upset with his job and stuff most likely. but you can still get him to move towards you but he has to be worthy. just take a good look at that book. ok . sorry to repeat it so much. this will truly answer your question how to keep him interested. but you may be attracting a fly. only you know the truth to that. if hes a good guy or a bad one. but dont tell us why hes good. learn why you deserve to be treated better. by yourself and him.
Author LuvNlost89 Posted July 5, 2013 Author Posted July 5, 2013 thank you guys for your replies. I will definitely check out the book. You said a lot of valid things. You said something very important which is: " if you build up your confidence more and set standards with him...in a non confrontational way.....by how YOU act and treat yourself right, (you almost dont have to say a word) he will likely want you and treat you with respect." This has always been struggle while with him and something I have never had to struggle when with any other man I have been with--and I have no idea why it is like that with him. He knows I demand respect and expect certain things. Such as like recently when he was very upset and angry I ignored him, and NOW he is doing it back. So for me it's like...what gives. I don't know if telling him I am unsatisfied with the affection is a good idea or not. Emotionally we are invested. He usually calls me a lot and when he lived here we would hang out every single day. I don't understand HOW he doesn't miss that or ever say he does. I don't get it, and it really hurts.
justwhoiam Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 To be a FWB, you need to be a friend with no expectations, emotionally detached in a romantic way which means not into the guy, or it'd be very likely you'd fall for him. So are you fit for a FWB relationship? This is the question. And the answer seems to be: no. That creates tension, sadness, unsatisfaction, expectations, disappointment. So, the logical thing to do is have a genuine talk with him and tell him that you thought you call keep up being a FWB, but it's not really for you, and it's not something you can sustain long-term. If he runs away, you'll just know you were not even a friend for him. And more than a FWB, it was just a g2r (give to receive) interaction. Where very little was given and probably so much received (by him), 1
hoping2heal Posted July 6, 2013 Posted July 6, 2013 You've been in a FWB situation for 1.5 years with your ex. In other words, he doesn't want more than sex from you and the occasional conversation. He doesn't want a relationship but you do. So, like many a FWB partner; you continue to subject yourself to the rigamarole, you continue to wait patiently, you continue to have a sexual relationship. I just know I'm going to get b!tchy here, but you let a guy come in you when you're not in a relationship. Yes, yay, great and wonderful that someone invented plan B but that doesn't always work. You're engaging in risky sexual behavior and you are at best a good friend the guy uses to park his lincoln navigator in. You seem to not be getting the memo that you are not his girlfriend. You're behaving like a girlfriend but you're not actually in a relationship with this guy. It doesn't matter what a website says this guy doesn't want to date you and he isn't "being distant", he's just not happy about your girlfriend-y behavior when he doesn't want you for a girlfriend.
hoping2heal Posted July 6, 2013 Posted July 6, 2013 Emotionally we are invested. He usually calls me a lot and when he lived here we would hang out every single day. I don't understand HOW he doesn't miss that or ever say he does. I don't get it, and it really hurts. It's been a year and a half and you are FWB and not in a relationship. He isn't emotionally invested, you are. He doesn't want to commit to you. The guy uses you like an option on the takeout menu. You're sex and conversation. You don't understand how he could not miss it because you're only seeing this through your own pair of eyes.
LittleTiger Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 I don't know how old you are but I think it's time you grew up - both of you! He's being distant because, as he has obviously told you already, he doesn't want to be in a committed relationship with you. What exactly do you expect the silly 'ignore him' games to achieve? You're either friends or you're not - it looks like 'not' to me. So you're not even a 'best friends with benefits', you're a booty call! If you have any self respect, tell him you're done with this 'arrangement' and then find somebody else who does want a relationship with you. If you don't have any self respect then carry on as before - you're doing really well!
IfiKnewThen Posted July 12, 2013 Posted July 12, 2013 (edited) hi i hope you're ok. i hope you read that book. you're a good person who loves deeply and is a giver i can tell. But he needs to earn and deserve you no matter what . when u buy and read that book..................run to the store i promise its a good one to help you in this very situation. please let me know. if you dont get the answers you need about how to stay strong and how the better percentage of men really operate i will be shocked and u can tell me off. don't make him you're priority when he only makes you his option. i can almost ell you how he acts now. spiteful. angry to intimidate you to keep you where he wants you. read this book it will turn your thinking around and likely his about you (which will be better). and if you pray...pray to God for more self control with giving so much to this man, and to have more insight to help you get stronger and to meet a man who truly deserves you that you can love and who SHOWS you true love back. God bless, stay strong. Edited July 12, 2013 by IfiKnewThen
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