DollWelch Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 I accidentally met a man (online, of all places) recently and have been communicating for the last few weeks. The chemistry and connection between him and I is intense and I truly enjoy talking to him. This is obviously in the early stages, but him and I are slowly getting to know each other (sharing thoughts, ideas and life experiences). However, I soon came to learn that he is divorced and with a kid (he was honest about this from the beginning). I have never found myself in this kind of situation before -and I don't know how to feel. I feel uncomfortable being interested in a man who is divorced with a child, because it is not something to be taken lightly. I can't seem to put it into words -but I don't want to grow feelings and fondness, if I am uncertain in the first place. And to add to this, he lives quite a number of miles away (far) and the fact that he does makes me deter from getting involved. At some point, will he expect me to meet him for a date? Or does he only see me as a friend? I don't want either one to get hurt, which is silly because when chemistry and attraction (this is evident as per his admission) is involved someone is bound to get hurt. Should I walk away now?
Phantom888 Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 You have to first know what you want. If you are not seeking a divorced man with kids, then don't go looking for one. Simple. I believe online profiles tell you if they are divorced with kids. The distance thing is even simpler. You know you can't see each other regularly, so why start it? Yes chemistry is important, but logistics play a role too.
Author DollWelch Posted July 5, 2013 Author Posted July 5, 2013 You have to first know what you want. If you are not seeking a divorced man with kids, then don't go looking for one. Simple. I believe online profiles tell you if they are divorced with kids. The distance thing is even simpler. You know you can't see each other regularly, so why start it? Yes chemistry is important, but logistics play a role too. Yes. But I never went seeking a divorced man with a kid. I didn't know -and it just happened. Secondly, perhaps it is greedy of me -but I don't want to let him go. He's a sincere and charming man. Can't we at least be friends? I don't know.
Phantom888 Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 Yes. But I never went seeking a divorced man with a kid. I didn't know -and it just happened. Secondly, perhaps it is greedy of me -but I don't want to let him go. He's a sincere and charming man. Can't we at least be friends? I don't know. Sounds like you are still in early stages so you can do whatever you want and no one will be seriously hurt.
Casablanca Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 Not sure why the divorced thing is an issue, wouldnt bother me...the child on the other hand, I think that should be more of an issue than the divorced thing
Phantom888 Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 Not sure why the divorced thing is an issue, wouldnt bother me...the child on the other hand, I think that should be more of an issue than the divorced thing People without children should not date people with children. The dynamics are so different, as a decent person would likely put kids above romance.
iris219 Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 What exactly are you afraid of? What about his situation makes you uncomfortable, specifically? FTR, my bf is divorced with two children while I've never been married and have no children. We are doing just fine.
Casablanca Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 People without children should not date people with children. The dynamics are so different, as a decent person would likely put kids above romance. Which is why I won't consider dating someone with kids (at least until I hit my 30s)...though I could see it changing if I met the right person and got to know them as friends/colleagues etc...there is a teacher at work who if she was 5 or 6 years younger I would date despite her daughter...if someone tried to set me up, or I met someone who had kids, I'd lose interest in a split second...funny how that works
Author DollWelch Posted July 5, 2013 Author Posted July 5, 2013 Not sure why the divorced thing is an issue, wouldnt bother me...the child on the other hand, I think that should be more of an issue than the divorced thing I didn't say one or the other is an issue. Both are. The child even moreso, considering the child is one of a broken marriage.
Author DollWelch Posted July 5, 2013 Author Posted July 5, 2013 What exactly are you afraid of? What about his situation makes you uncomfortable, specifically? FTR, my bf is divorced with two children while I've never been married and have no children. We are doing just fine. Perhaps you and your bf may be the exception. I do know relationships such as the one you have with your bf do exist. I'm afraid of: Being the other woman. I fear I will be compared to the ex-wife. I may not be the best for his son -even though I know I'm great with children. Falling deeply more in-like with him. Family not accepting and being inclusive.
shexy Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 If you dont want to date guy with a kid, then don't. It is a lot to take into consideration when there is a kid involved....and if you're uncomfortable with it, don't go there! Simple as that. The whole thing about him being divorced really shouldn't be a big deal. Lots of people are divorced. IT doesn't mean they're tainted. It's 2013, lots of divorced people in this day and age.
iris219 Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 Being the other woman. I fear I will be compared to the ex-wife. He's divorced. You're not the other woman. There is a chance you could be compared to any man's ex whether he's been married or not, but a man worth being with won't compare you. I may not be the best for his son -even though I know I'm great with children. All you can do is have the child's best interests in mind. He has a mother. You don't have to be the "best" for him. Falling deeply more in-like with him. Could happen with any man. Family not accepting and being inclusive. Could happen with any man. If you're not comfortable, and it seems you aren't, don't date a divorced man with children.
grkBoy Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 DollWelch, you're free to do as you wish. Single childless men and women have the right to reject single parents solely because of the kid(s). Some call it narrow-minded, but I believe in the game of love you have a right to be picky. I always say though with the pickiness comes the difficulty in finding an ideal mate. It's like when we see 30 and 40something men complain how all the single women they meet are fat and/or moms. Women also hit the issues of single dads, divorcees who have baggage, men who decided to never commit or marry in life, or just the bottom of the barrel men who don't attract women easily. Do as you choose and don't feel guilty about it. If you're unsure, then read your OP. You're showing his red flags and how they bother you. Walk away if this doesnt feel right, because he and his kid are a package deal, just like when guys meet single moms. You might want to assess if he seems to need or not need you as a potential mom/babysitter. Set the rules if you really like him and don't let him cross boundaries if you're not happy with it.
iris219 Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 But I do agree that whoever dates someone that has a kid, be prepared to ALWAYS be #2. No thanks to that. My bf is so worried about me feeling this way that he goes out of his way to make me feel special. He plans date nights and vacations; he surprises me little presents and writes me notes explaining how much he loves and appreciates me. I have never felt like #2. It's not a competition between me and the kids. We are all important to him, but in different ways. I feel more important in this relationship than I have with men who were childless. We also spend more time together than I did with my ex who has no kids. 1
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