So happy together Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 I didn't mean for that to be directed at you. I rambled as I tend to do. You are right ,OP asked for exactly that ...personal experience. I just hate to see people in such pain. You can feel it in their posts. Good luck OP I do understand what you are saying. I'm not saying OP should go one way or another, because it is true, only he knows what should happen. I'm just saying what happened to me. And I'm not denying that it was hard. There were some hard times, but... worth it for us. Thanks for clarifying.
HopingAgain Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 I was a BS in my first marriage and eventually became a WS and eventually divorced and married OM. It has been 10 years, we've been married for 4. And already our lives have again been touched by infidelity again (his). So, with that said, be careful what you wish for. Marriages that start from infidelity are set up on a rocky foundation because many (most l) times the parties involved haven't done the work on themselves to heal and repair the character flaws that led to unfaithfulness to begin with. They just find a new partner and then eventually the pattern tends to continue and the cycle repeats itself. I believe the 3% stat is completely accurate. You also have to take into account those couples who marry.from an affair and then go on to experience more infidelity in their own marriage, like us. It is not an easy road or one I'd recommend. My husband and I love eachother to pieces, but if I had to do it again, I would (A. Not have started our relationship as an affair. And (B. Made sure we both were fully healed and turned from.our old patterns before marrying. Long story short is, any marriage that starts from an affair has their work cut out for them in the areas of trust, loyalty, and fidelity. So you may get a happy ending, but it might be a tarnished happy ending that you didn't expect, and one that comes with a hefty price tag. 3
Journee Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 I do understand what you are saying. I'm not saying OP should go one way or another, because it is true, only he knows what should happen. I'm just saying what happened to me. And I'm not denying that it was hard. There were some hard times, but... worth it for us. Thanks for clarifying. I realized how it sounded after I read your reply. It is definitely case by case in my opinion. I am a sap and cry at Hallmark commercials lol so posts full of palpable pain trigger me. Also trying to type with a 7 month old on my lap hurried me a bit
So happy together Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 I realized how it sounded after I read your reply. It is definitely case by case in my opinion. I am a sap and cry at Hallmark commercials lol so posts full of palpable pain trigger me. Also trying to type with a 7 month old on my lap hurried me a bit I have several kids between the ages of 23 and four. Trust me, I get it!
MissBee Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 (edited) Interesting that I keep reading here and in other sources that MM rarely leaves his M for OW. Yet over the years I have known of many MM who have left BW for OW. If they only represented 3%............???? This past year two of my friends' husbands have left for OW. Both marriages were 30+ years. The H of an acquaintance also left her for OW. These are just ones I know about. Having your own experience with something doesn't negate it's rarity. Affair stats or any kind of stats aren't across the board, but all stats have to be specific to things like: age group, income level, gender, region/country/state etc. Maybe you run in a circle that has higher rates than average, as in my own life, it's the exact opposite of what you describe. I know people who have had affairs, but they are all still married. One is no longer married to the BS but is remarried to someone else and not the OW. But I also think it may be that those in affairs subconsciously or consciously seek out "success stories" so find themselves knowing more people in As than those who aren't. Everyone can point to examples in their own life, but it's more about if on a larger scale this is the most common outcome or not. Even if every person you know in your neighborhood did that, it may still not represent a certain average, like say nationwide. I can't speak to the 3% stat personally but even if it's larger than 3% I doubt it's anything like 50% or more. Edited July 7, 2013 by MissBee 1
BetrayedH Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 Considering that 82% of the respondents admitted to cheating, it doesn't appear that they refrained from stating they cheated and so I doubt that they would refrain from admitting they married their AP. I'm fine with revising the number up to 3.7% based on the fact that some respondents had been faithful. It looks like it's women seeking successful married men that can expect such poor odds. A better study would be nice but it appears that these are the closest numbers we have. Again, the OP can use this as one piece of information to help determine his odds. I'm still betting that they aren't too good.
HopingAgain Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 Yes, BH, most of them that I know of married and stayed married. My exH left his second wife (I was first wife, he didn't marry the woman he left me for) for OW and they've been married 17 years. My neighbors father left her mother and married OW and they've been married 20+ years. Neighbors a couple blocks away that I know got married after being in an affair (they both left marriages) and are together after over 20 years. A friend who was married to a dentist had her husband leave and he married OW between 15+20 years ago. They're still married. A client, MW, left her M for her MM and they stayed together until he died a year ago. However, a friend left her H 22 years ago and M her MM. They divorced after three kids and 15 years. I can't think of anyone I know who left for the AP and didn't marry them. But, I haven't made it a point to keep tabs on everyone, either. I wonder how many of those marriages have been touched by further instances of infidelity? I'm willing to bet, the number is high.
Anna-Belle Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 Considering that 82% of the respondents admitted to cheating, it doesn't appear that they refrained from stating they cheated and so I doubt that they would refrain from admitting they married their AP. I'm fine with revising the number up to 3.7% based on the fact that some respondents had been faithful. It looks like it's women seeking successful married men that can expect such poor odds. A better study would be nice but it appears that these are the closest numbers we have. Again, the OP can use this as one piece of information to help determine his odds. I'm still betting that they aren't too good. Any woman who is considering marriage can also use this survey as one piece of information concerning the likelihood of whether their future husbands will be faithful to them. 18% likelihood - yikes...
DelusionalOne Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 Any woman who is considering marriage can also use this survey as one piece of information concerning the likelihood of whether their future husbands will be faithful to them. 18% likelihood - yikes... I was thinking the same exact thing. 82% cheated. Statistics also show that more women file for divorce than men. So if only 3.7% of that 82% are getting divorced then what does that tell you?
Anna-Belle Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 I was thinking the same exact thing. 82% cheated. Statistics also show that more women file for divorce than men. So if only 3.7% of that 82% are getting divorced then what does that tell you? That a lot of the men are likely still married and cheating.
MissBee Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 That a lot of the men are likely still married and cheating. Precisely. It seems most cheating MM stay married and continue to cheat or stay married and stop cheating versus get a divorce to be with their OW.
Praying4Peace Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 To the OP, How's it going? I didn't get to answer you... Tell her you miss her friendship and support just as much as she does. Tell her this is one of those difficult things she needs to get through to find happiness. She has to see her marriage in a normal light, without your friendship, to see if its enough for her to live with forever. It's all in her control in the end, no one can force her to stay married. Remind her that you two will never be happy even if you end up together if she feels any sort of guilt towards her H. Even if she knew she wanted to leave, she will be attached by her guilt and negative self image...knowing she left him with 'support' all along from you while he had none. Tell her you are doing this as her friend, and if the tables were turned you'd want her to do the same for you. Be firm and be very clear that it is not a reflection of lack of feelings, but quite the opposite. If you were just using her or didn't care about her, you'd take what you could get. Right? As for the statistics....LOL...you're asking a bunch of LYING CHEATERS WHO rewrite marital history if they married their AP?!! Yeah, the same people who say we are in a fog think that that one detail isn't being fudged? I'd say NO too, its no badge of honor and I wouldn't want to judge. But in real life, I know there are a lot of people who get together. People are too chicken to leave without someone waiting in the wings. That goes for BS, MOW, MM's, everyone so lets not be judgmental! 2
Anna-Belle Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 The actual number really does not matter. However, observation in the forum and with friends IRL shows a very low rate of success. But, all relationships have a low rate of success even in ideal conditions. It is almost always a losing investment and even based on anecdotal evidence (like this site) it seems to me that the 3% is probably about right. Another piece of anecdotal evidence: on other forums which are more prone to support the participants in EMRs as they deal with the issues in them rather than trying to help them get out of the EMR, the percentage of MM leaving their marriages seems to be substantially higher than what I've observed on LS. It seems the kind of support you receive matters for the end result. How many years of the OP's life should he dedicate towards those chances? I vote for zero. The more you stand to gain the greater odds you are prepared to play. And if you are enjoying "the game" (ie relationship), why not?
BetrayedH Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 Another piece of anecdotal evidence: on other forums which are more prone to support the participants in EMRs as they deal with the issues in them rather than trying to help them get out of the EMR, the percentage of MM leaving their marriages seems to be substantially higher than what I've observed on LS. It seems the kind of support you receive matters for the end result. I suppose you're probably right about this. I probably wouldn't be posting here if I felt that my support had no impact. How much does it have? Who knows?
BetrayedH Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 So if only 3.7% of that 82% are getting divorced then what does that tell you? Not sure that only 3.7% divorced. It only says that 3.7% married their AP. i'd suspect that a great deal of them may get divorced (like half or more) but there's a lot of steps between that and marrying the AP. And even if they do get eventually married, 3/4 of them divorce. The combination of those ewuates to a .925% chance of marrying and staying married to an AP. Maybe the OP's AP will leave her H (I doubt it) but even if she does, the odds of them making it long term are slim. I see APs (mostly women) here wasting 3-4 years before they wake up. It's a travesty.
Pierre Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 Specific numbers don't matter. In this thread those that are pro EMR have admitted they would not advise this modus operandi to their daughters. The success rate is low, the specific number is moot. 2
Turtles Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 Not sure that only 3.7% divorced. It only says that 3.7% married their AP. i'd suspect that a great deal of them may get divorced (like half or more) but there's a lot of steps between that and marrying the AP. And even if they do get eventually married, 3/4 of them divorce. The combination of those ewuates to a .925% chance of marrying and staying married to an AP. Maybe the OP's AP will leave her H (I doubt it) but even if she does, the odds of them making it long term are slim. I see APs (mostly women) here wasting 3-4 years before they wake up. It's a travesty. Ugh, I can't believe there are 3 pages discussing whether OP has a 3% or a 3.7% chance of success. It's a statistic that is based on a population that is completely different from the OP - not even the same gender. Even if it was an exact match, there are still so many variables that a statistic like that is all but useless for predicting chance of success. And even so, what are the chances of ANY relationship progressing to a successful marriage? Playing with numbers like that does not bring much to the table - OP needs to consider what is going on in HIS situation instead of trying to extrapolate from a distantly related survey. And how much more time he is willing to invest. BTW, fun fact: 77% of all statistics are made up on the spot. 3
BetrayedH Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 BTW, fun fact: 77% of all statistics are made up on the spot. That was funny. 2
lilmisscantbewrong Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 I think I said in my post that statistics aren't 100% reliable. Also who said anything about the Surviving Infidelity site? What do they have to do with anything? The 3% number didn't come from them. I'm sure they talk about it from time to time as we do here as well, but it's not their "data". LOL...That statistic has been around for years. I'm not sure how old that study is but I'm pretty sure it existed long before the Surviving Infidelity board did. That's probably one of that statistic's faults. It's old. Someone should do it again. Originally Posted by BetrayedH From an article on survivinginfidelity.com Because that's what BetrayedH posted. See above. The only point I am making is that I don't trust data - period. It can be skewed.
LilGirlandOW Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 My thoughts are that you just described "your" MM. How do you feel about that? -ol' 2long I feel like its an accurate statement. He has the "family" and the "freedom". He has the unconditional love of his children 24/7, his BS to take care of the day 2 day details, and me the OW to feel romantic love & passion with and be by his side as his confidant and "team mate". He has it all really, lucky guy.
Recommended Posts