Cheating husband

[Shockedandsad]

Literally just found out my husband has cheated on me. We have been going through a rough patch or should i say he has, i thought everything was fine until a couple of months ago he said he needed space. Said he still loved me. Jump forward to now and i find out that on one of the trips he took to get space, he slept with someone, who he met on a dating website. I am shattered. He also says the marriage is over, which i cannot believe. I love him so much and dont know what to do.

[JustAReformedGirl]

Literally just found out my husband has cheated on me. We have been going through a rough patch or should i say he has, i thought everything was fine until a couple of months ago he said he needed space. Said he still loved me. Jump forward to now and i find out that on one of the trips he took to get space, he slept with someone, who he met on a dating website. I am shattered. He also says the marriage is over, which i cannot believe. I love him so much and dont know what to do.

 

I'm so sorry for you. Sadly, there really isn't much you can do; if he is set on the marriage being over, there is very little you can do to change his mind.

 

He betrayed your trust; if he did stay, if you both committed to reconciling-could you ever really trust him again?

[CarrieT]

He also says the marriage is over, which i cannot believe.

You can't stay in a one-sided relationship. If he wants out, there is nothing there to keep him.

 

At some point, your love will turn to hate and you will despise what he is doing to you. I'm sorry you are going through this and look forward to the day when you will begin to heal.

[BetrayedH]

He's cheated on you and told you the marriage is over but you're unaccepting of that.

 

If you want to get him back, you will have to swallow your pride and do a careful analysis of yourself to see how you could improve yourself to make yourself more attractive to your husband.

 

Barf ^^^^. Improve yourself? Piffle. You deserve better than a liar.

 

Your best path forward is to file for divorce yourself. That will either wake him up from his fantasy world of playing single while he is married or you'll be on the path to the divorce that you need.

[BeholdtheMan]

He's cheated on you and told you the marriage is over but you're unaccepting of that.

 

If you want to get him back, you will have to swallow your pride and do a careful analysis of yourself to see how you could improve yourself to make yourself more attractive to your husband.

LOL no

 

The cheating husband doesn't deserve an improved version of TS. TS shouldn't improve herself to "win back" her husband. Why on earth would TS want to reward her husband for cheating?

 

...and no, she shouldn't swallow her pride. In this case, "swallowing her pride" would mean sacrificing her dignity. No one should do that.

[JustAReformedGirl]

BeholdtheMan and BetrayedH: I'm fairly certain Harting is a troll. If he isn't, he's a class A douchebag.

 

I've only seen one post by him that was even remotely sensible, and even that one was laced with insults. He's taking pot shots at the OP, whom I hope ignored it.

[LilGirlandOW]

Troll maybe, Although, if I may play devils advocate here for a minute, *yikes* I can almost understand, you have to change yourself to be with WS, not something I would do if I were a BS, although I can see how if saving your marraige is worth everything to you, doing a complete 180 could turn his head possibly as their is a reason why he married you.... maybe help him find that, which has been lost as why he wants an out.

 

p.s. dont change youself for anybody, I'm just sayin i can see how if keeping him is your life mission, thats probably the only way it'll happen.

[whichwayisup]

Literally just found out my husband has cheated on me. We have been going through a rough patch or should i say he has, i thought everything was fine until a couple of months ago he said he needed space. Said he still loved me. Jump forward to now and i find out that on one of the trips he took to get space, he slept with someone, who he met on a dating website. I am shattered. He also says the marriage is over, which i cannot believe. I love him so much and dont know what to do.

 

I doubt your marriage is over. He is in an affair fog! Wanna wake him up?? File for divorce! You don't have to follow through on that, but he doesn't need to know that...Tell him that since he's told you he doesn't want to be married anymore, he can pack his bags and move out. let him have a reality check! See what life is like without you. Even if it kills you inside, standing up to him and not putting up with his sh.t will actually make him respect you more than if you just cling to him or beg him to stay and fix the marriage.

 

Do get counseling too, to help you cope.

 

Anyway, he can go do whatever and you cut him out of your life for a while. I'm betting within a few weeks or so, he'll realize he messed up and life isn't what he thought it would be..

[beach]

Why would you want to beg back a man who cheated on you?

 

I hope you will learn to want more from yourself than that.

[BetrayedH]

I doubt your marriage is over. He is in an affair fog! Wanna wake him up?? File for divorce! You don't have to follow through on that, but he doesn't need to know that...Tell him that since he's told you he doesn't want to be married anymore, he can pack his bags and move out. let him have a reality check! See what life is like without you. Even if it kills you inside, standing up to him and not putting up with his sh.t will actually make him respect you more than if you just cling to him or beg him to stay and fix the marriage.

 

Do get counseling too, to help you cope.

 

Anyway, he can go do whatever and you cut him out of your life for a while. I'm betting within a few weeks or so, he'll realize he messed up and life isn't what he thought it would be..

 

Quoted for truth.

[Shockedandsad]

Well it is over, he has no desire to try he is moving out today. So pretty much that is that. I cant stop crying i cant believe that he has stuffed me around like this. I really cant imagine having to start all over again. The whole thing is an absolute nightmare. My heart has broken into a million pieces.

[JustAReformedGirl]

I'm so sorry for you. I really don't know what else to say...I hope things get better for you. I really do.

[JustAReformedGirl]

 

And you have the nerve to call me a "douchebag"?

 

 

 

You better believe I do. You essentially made it sound like the OP was somehow to blame for her husband going wayward. If she wants him to stick around, she has to make herself more attractive? What kind of garbage is that? Very mature of you, kicking her when she was down.

[JustAReformedGirl]

No I didn't make her sound any which way at all.

 

Why not try reading what I actually wrote, which was simply to respond to her post and provide an actionable suggestion which if followed could possibly help her get her husband back.

 

And no, honey, you DON'T have any moral high ground to go around calling other people here "douche bags" for any reason, at all. Not until you straighten your own sh*t out.

 

Everyone has sh*t to straighten out, Harting. You have no more "right" than I do. Funny thing is, I made no claim about "moral high ground". I'm calling it like I see it; you've made the occasional post that was worthwhile, I'll admit it. But beyond that, everything else has been tripe.

 

However, I'm not interested in continuing a sh*t war with you in the OP's thread. She deserves better than that. Go blow smoke somewhere else.

[JustAReformedGirl]

Did I call you a "douchebag" simply because I disagreed with your opinion?

 

Fine. I concede this point. I'm...sorry.

 

No, you did that, not me--using gutter language because you have a gutter mind

and you've lived your life with gutter behavior (cheating).

 

Uncalled for. You don't actually know enough about me to make that assumption. Kindly drop the subject, as it doesn't belong in this thread.

 

 

 

 

As soon as you, the cheater, called me a "douchebag", you claimed moral high

ground to spew a completely uncalled for vile insult at me for no reason other

than your inability to communicate in anything approaching a civilized manner.

 

I am capable of being civilized. You have proven thus far to rub me the wrong way. I don't know why, but you really do. Again, I apologize.

 

Also, please stop making it sound like you've never uttered a curse word before, either. You have. I've seen it. Stop making assumptions based on what? Two or three posts?

 

I've apologized; I won't do so again.

[BetrayedH]

It's not for anyone else to judge whether or not the OP should stay married to him.

 

Right now he has told her he doesn't want to be married any longer and she wants to know how to try to get him to change his mind.

 

There may be things she can do to make herself more attractive. I'm not sure what else she could do to persuade him not to divorce her.

 

If she wants counsel on how to be more attractive, it would be to ensure that she doesn't appear like a doormat. I also didn't counsel the OP to divorce but to file for divorce. If she sees what she considers to be sufficient/true remorse from her wayward husband, she can always halt the proceedings. I happen to be a fan of reconciliation and IMHO, this is a tactic towards it that's healthy. Either way (R or D), she retains her sense of self-pride by demonstrating that she will not accept unacceptable behavior. Improving herself to attract a cheater does just the opposite.

 

But I suspect your comments are disingenuous anyway.

[So happy together]

Originally Posted by Harting

He's cheated on you and told you the marriage is over but you're unaccepting of that.

 

If you want to get him back, you will have to swallow your pride and do a careful analysis of yourself to see how you could improve yourself to make yourself more attractive to your husband.

 

You know, my bf's stbxw did exactly this ^^^. She lost weight, tried to cut down on her drinking, tried to be nicer (in between begging, then hateful texts and emails)...

 

All he ever said was that it no longer mattered, that she should have tried to make the marriage work with him years ago, not after he'd left.

 

So, OP, work on yourself FOR YOU, and do what you must to make yourself happy.

[bubbaganoosh]

I can only tell you that sometimes a man doesn't know a good thing until he has lost it. If he thinks that the something extra he's getting on the side and now leaving you for is better, then he only knows one real thing about her and that is how she moves in bed. That's all fine and dandy for now but sooner or later all those moves get old and then he'll start to see the real person come out from under the rock from where she came. If she is willing to move on a married man and he can't see that, in the future that will be his first red flag when she starts acting in a way that makes him suspicious and he'll remember that she had no problem breaking up a marriage and take off with a married man. This is coming from a man who has no respect for anyone who will stab their spouse in the back. I know what it's like to be in your shoes, I experienced it and believe me, life gets better. Takes a little time but you have to hold your head high and keep you self respect in the fore front and you'll be ok.

[ladydesigner]

I doubt your marriage is over. He is in an affair fog! Wanna wake him up?? File for divorce! You don't have to follow through on that, but he doesn't need to know that...Tell him that since he's told you he doesn't want to be married anymore, he can pack his bags and move out. let him have a reality check! See what life is like without you. Even if it kills you inside, standing up to him and not putting up with his sh.t will actually make him respect you more than if you just cling to him or beg him to stay and fix the marriage.

 

Do get counseling too, to help you cope.

 

Anyway, he can go do whatever and you cut him out of your life for a while. I'm betting within a few weeks or so, he'll realize he messed up and life isn't what he thought it would be..

 

This advice is spot on. It's not easy, but is the quickest kick to the rear end a WS can get. It will either shove him out the door or wake his a** up.

 

Also read up on the 180. It will help YOU and it may bring your WH back to reality.

[ladydesigner]

Originally Posted by Harting

He's cheated on you and told you the marriage is over but you're unaccepting of that.

 

If you want to get him back, you will have to swallow your pride and do a careful analysis of yourself to see how you could improve yourself to make yourself more attractive to your husband.

 

You know, my bf's stbxw did exactly this ^^^. She lost weight, tried to cut down on her drinking, tried to be nicer (in between begging, then hateful texts and emails)...

 

All he ever said was that it no longer mattered, that she should have tried to make the marriage work with him years ago, not after he'd left.

 

So, OP, work on yourself FOR YOU, and do what you must to make yourself happy.

 

 

I agree with the working on YOU part completely. It was probably the one thing I lost sight of in my M to a man who has many narcissistic tendencies. You may also realize, when you get healthier that you deserve better than a WS. I know my rose colored glasses have completely shattered off my face towards my WH. I see all his ugliness and he cannot hide from it anymore.

 

Usually after finding yourself and getting yourself stronger you may not want the brokenness of a WS or maybe the WS will be up for the taking and want to work on making themselves a better human being with better coping skills.

[Shockedandsad]

He picked up a lot of his stuff yesterday, he was so cheery and matter of fact about it. He is so self absorbed in himself that he does mot realise what he is doing to me and this is so out of character. He used to be the most kind hearted and wonderful person. They say each day gets better but i am struggling and i am finding myself deeper in despair and heartbreak. The man i thought was forever is gone and has no intention of coming back. And he always told me that we would be forever. I cannot understand how he can have changed so much and by the time he had told me he was unhappy he had shut himself off. My life sucks and i cant see it ever getting better. I have never felt so low, sad and quite honestly i feel dead inside. I really am not sure what to do.

[2sure]

It's hard to see past your pain right now . You are just at the very beginning of an entire life changing process...you just can't expect so much from yourself right now. You need to grieve, get pissed off, accept...you have a lot to do honey and it takes time. But after those parts of the process you will feel relief, opportunity, and growth.

 

Know it's a process and keep breathing.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

He picked up a lot of his stuff yesterday, he was so cheery and matter of fact about it. He is so self absorbed in himself that he does mot realise what he is doing to me and this is so out of character. He used to be the most kind hearted and wonderful person. They say each day gets better but i am struggling and i am finding myself deeper in despair and heartbreak. The man i thought was forever is gone and has no intention of coming back. And he always told me that we would be forever. I cannot understand how he can have changed so much and by the time he had told me he was unhappy he had shut himself off. My life sucks and i cant see it ever getting better. I have never felt so low, sad and quite honestly i feel dead inside. I really am not sure what to do.

 

So sorry, really.

 

I think you have to treat this like he died, and grieve the loss of the marriage you thought you had.

 

But first you need to protect yourself...your husband is not who you thought he was. Here is a simple to follow checklist.

 

1. Get a lawyer, know your rights. File for divorce.

 

2. Read up on the 180 & plan b. someone will post links for you.

 

3. Go complete NC with him (I think you don't have children?) and block him. He can forward demands to your lawyer or via email.

 

4. Implement the 180

 

5. Is his AP married? If yes, then out the relationship to the spouse.

 

6. Get a therapist and make an appointment, keep the appointment.

 

7. See your family doc and tell her.

 

8. Get tested for STDs

 

9. Drink water, eat, try to sleep.

 

Keep posting. ((Hugs))

[LivingWaterPlease]

SandS, for what it's worth, when the same thing happened to me I was also devastated and cried and begged him for months to return. Big mistake. It was when I took up a new avocation and began pursuing it for my own sake and he noticed it that I saw an interest in him for me. Then one night I was dressing to go to a birthday party and he came to pick up the kids and walked by the bathroom and saw me fixing my hair, all dressed up to go out. I didn't plan this for his benefit, it just happened. He perked up noticeably, I guess wondering where I was going.

 

I also began to read my Bible (the gospels, Isaiah, Psalms for starters, you will be amazed at the strength that you'll get from reading there) and pray a lot and God put lots of strong support and encouragement around me. Through the years He has really blessed me in so many ways.

 

In the end, I didn't choose to take my H back. But, I did observe that he became once again interested in me when he saw me moving on with my life. When I began to date someone else he went into a deep depression, total reversal of his attitude.

 

I also know a lady whose husband left her, same way, and they got back together. When I asked her how she did it she told me she changed as much about herself as she could. Hairstyle, habits, etc. And stayed out of his sight as much as possible. When he came to pick the kids up she would go to the back of the house so he couldn't see her, etc. I suppose he became curious about her as he saw her changing and moving away from him.

 

I'm not trying to say you can or should manipulate your husband back to you but it does seem to me that many of the BSs I've known that seem to be moving on away from the WSs who have left have seen the WS regain interest. God bless you, dear one! Wish we could all give you hugs!