How long does it take to stop thinking about AP?

[lostineurope]

This is something I'm struggling with too...it's been about 6 weeks since dday and I did 4 weeks NC then lapsed a bit (just emails nothing physical) then told him never to contact me again, then actually bumped into him again. Now back on NC.

 

It's really hard. Plus I am not 100% sure that I want to reconcile with H - at the moment it's mostly for the kids. I have no future with AP - he is not planning to leave his GF plus I know that we would not work in real life, for many reasons. But in spite of that I still feel a huge connection to him.

 

It hurts to know that he might have just been using me for sex, or he might not have been and he might really have felt that connection for me he says he felt.

 

I wish I could stop thinking about him, I wish I could stop thinking about the sex with him and I wish I could know one way or another what I meant to him.

 

Sorry not to be helpful...I'm in the same boat as you. It's good to hear from people who are totally over it.

[AbeNormal]

This is something I'm struggling with too...it's been about 6 weeks since dday and I did 4 weeks NC then lapsed a bit (just emails nothing physical) then told him never to contact me again, then actually bumped into him again. Now back on NC.

 

It's really hard. Plus I am not 100% sure that I want to reconcile with H - at the moment it's mostly for the kids. I have no future with AP - he is not planning to leave his GF plus I know that we would not work in real life, for many reasons. But in spite of that I still feel a huge connection to him.

 

1) It hurts to know that he might have just been using me for sex, or he might not have been and he might really have felt that connection for me he says he felt.

 

I wish I could stop thinking about him, I wish I could stop thinking about the sex with him and

 

2) I wish I could know one way or another what I meant to him.

 

Sorry not to be helpful...I'm in the same boat as you. It's good to hear from people who are totally over it.

 

Of course I don't know your complete/true situation. And I am sorry that I will be blunt/honest. But I understand these kind of men (being a man and observing the behaviour of such men - guessing he is one of "those"). Again, no particulars - just the "usual" as concerns men without character and, certainly, without strength of character. They can be quite seductive because - no matter who you are (or your commitments) - they can portray/project/mirror what they perceive you want to hear because - they lack the constraint of character as well as any real future commitment.

 

My best (educated) guess to your two main questions/concerns:

 

1) He didn't just use you for sex. He used you to to get the "charge" associated with the conquest. He likely just said whatever it took. He "won". You were not available (really), so he could put forth any persona he wished.

 

2) You likely don't want to know the truth about that.

Edited July 13, 2013 by AbeNormal

[Oberfeldwebel]

I wish I could stop thinking about him, I wish I could stop thinking about the sex with him and I wish I could know one way or another what I meant to him.

 

This is precisely why reconciliation is not possible, until you resolve this issue. You can't bond with H until you have resolved the fantasy of the affair relationship. A fantasy relationship will always be better, the only problem is, it isn't real. You say you don't know how the other man feels? What matter does that make to your decision to reconciliation? Would you leave your husband if he did? If that is true then your husband is clearly your Plan B. I will reconcile with my husband, since I can't get a commitment from my affair partner. This would be very sad and extremely unfair to your husband, I think he deserves better.

[compulsivedancer]

lostineurope, I've been trying to decide how to respond. On the one hand, you are very early on. I know the first couple of days after DDay, I was not remorseful. I had to talk it out and see myself and my choices from the outside in order to reach that place. At that point, I was scared that my H would choose to stay with me when I didn't deserve it and couldn't make him happy, that I was doing him a disservice by staying. There were a lot of tough decisions to be made. But importantly, I considered not just what my life would be without him, but also what his life would be if I stayed or if I went. Ultimately, I was able to make changes that, I believe, will ultimately allow him to have a fuller life with me (in the long term) than without me. But I couldn't have stayed with him otherwise.

 

Part of the reason that my thoughts about the AP are such a struggle for me is that they feel unfaithful. I know that they stand in the way of me following through on the commitments I've made to BS since DDay.

 

If you think that you can make commitments to H that were stronger and have more meaning than you made before the A, but you're still trying to get your brain cleaned out and your thoughts in order, then I would encourage you to go to IC and get some help, and stay in the marriage, especially since it's your whole family.

 

But take some time to think about the whole thing from the perspective of your husband. Think about whether he'll regret you staying, whether you'll hold him back, whether you'll be able to make changes to improve the quality of your marriage over time. If you can't do this, aren't willing to do this, or don't want to put in the work, then it might be time to leave and get yourself in order outside of the relationship, so that H has a chance to pick up the pieces in HIS life and move forward.

 

Kids aren't enough of a reason to stay. They can be a motivating factor to get it together, but you can't stay just for them. It isn't fair to your husband, and believe it or not, it's not fair to you either.

 

I encourage you to explore this in IC and really think about both scenarios. And don't just think about you or the kids. Think about what's best for your husband.

[compulsivedancer]

I've been thinking about this thread because I feel like I've kind of turned a corner on this one. I wish there were more WSs here, because I'd like to share my journey and let them know what I've learned.

 

Its been 9.5 months since DDay, and I finally feel like I'm not thinking about OM regularly. And when I do, it's generally a quick memory. Something reminds me of him, or H and I are specifically discussing the A. This probably happens a couple times a day, still, but it doesn't derail my life. It doesn't make me miserable. It doesn't eat me up with questions any more. Now that there's more distance, when I think of him there is distance there too.

 

BSs here told me in this thread and others to "just get over it," or to try to associate bad thoughts with OM. Honestly, I think I mostly just needed time. We're not really meant to get over a relationship (the A) at the same time as dealing with so much sh]t in another relationship (with H). Especially an affair relationship that had such a specific ending - it just ENDed, no phone calls, no separating of stuff, no late night booth calls or stalking on FB, no calling to "catch up." This was necessary to forget (as rehearsing a memory strengthens it), and it is necessary for the BS to be able to trust me and to know that the affair is over. And especially when that ending creates so many new questions about the A relationship.

 

But from a perspective of moving on, it's a challenge. But not really having many break-ups to compare it to, it may not be any more challenging than the regular way. I couldn't say.

 

Associating the negative stuff with the memories, which was one of the biggest things, actually makes it harder to forget. It creates a cycle where when a memory surfaces, it gets a lot of processing and rehearsing, because I have to run it through all these filters and questions, which is painful. It makes me dwell on the memory and rehearse it, which reinforces it.

 

What works better for me is to acknowledge the memory, remind myself that it's in the past, and let my mind move on.

 

At this point OM is mostly faded, as one of the posters mentioned, and most of the memories are pretty thin (except for the ones I ran through that filter...how frustrating).

 

I think a lot of it is time. I know that BSs don't want to hear this. They want the OM to be banished from WS's thoughts immediately, but that didn't work. But it does get better. Leave him alone, don't rehearse the memories, and they disappear.

[anne1707]

I totally understand CD. Just because a relationship is "wrong", does not mean that you can just get over it and forget it as if nothing happened. You still need to process the pain of it ending yet you are forced (understandably if reconciling the marriage) to not show that pain. You have to find other ways of dealing with it (IC was a big help to me).

 

I am glad to hear you are finding your way through this.

[carhill]

What works better for me is to acknowledge the memory, remind myself that it's in the past, and let my mind move on.

 

Yep, can identify with that and it took only a few months time to resolve, once I got to that processing level during NC. Worked great. The key in my case was no unfinished business.

[compulsivedancer]

The key in my case was no unfinished business.

 

This was not a luxury I had. DDay brought up so many new questions, but NC made it impossible to have those answered. This has been one of the biggest struggles.

 

Now that a lot more time has gone by, it no longer feels like unfinished business, most of the time. For the most part, I'm getting to the place where I just want to shut the door on that chapter of my life.

[carhill]

Adjunct to the lack of unfinished business, in my case acknowledging that we both had made choices and moved on in life, I also found that making investments in healthy non-romantic relationships further clarified the distance between where I had been and where I was currently. Also, as I was doing end of life care during that period, such shifts of focus allowed blocks of time where there were no 'idle thought' periods. Going through a divorce at the time was a lesser distraction, but probably relevant. It all added up to a full life of 'other stuff', which made disconnecting and moving on less time consuming.

 

Now, in the past, with unfinished business and lacking life experience, the moving on process from the same dynamic took a number of years and one significant depression. Compared to that, you did exceedingly well.

 

If you had to describe 'shut the door', how would you describe that, including the emotional content, as applicable?

[katielee]

When he left town, about a year after dday.

Now, I would probably throw up in disgust if I saw him.....

[compulsivedancer]

When he left town, about a year after dday.

Now, I would probably throw up in disgust if I saw him.....

Why? What made him so easy to forget?

[Realist3]

Maybe it is easier to think about if REALITY is not allowed to intrude. No offense to any AP, but you get to hold onto the fantasy and the what-ifs for a helluva lot longer.

 

FBS here...and I threw him out to go be with his soulmate. I promised to divorce amicably, never interfere with his relationship with his children. In fact, I told them to treat her with respect if that is who their father wound up with.

 

I never said a bad word about her, or against them. He never told her he had carte blanche to be with her.

 

It imploded. Reality, chaos, her child, her anger all came at him. No more non-stop texts, no constant, pre-scheduled romantic trysts where they could lavish uninterrupted attention and validation upon each other....Reality, day in, day out.

 

It went pssssst in three weeks. Fantasy projection OVER when it became a REAL relationship.....sigh.....

 

Much, much harder to miss or pine for an illusion that died under the harsh glare of reality and a real relationship.

 

I know how hard it is to miss someone or some something YOU CAN'T HAVE 24/7.

 

I get it!

 

But try, really try, to imagine day in and day out...bills, children, house, lawn, in-laws, interruptions, and chaos with the AP. No more lying in each other's arms without a crying child banging on the bedroom door. No more texting because you will always see each other at dinner. No more unrequited love....

 

Picture it...Still miss them? Or do you only miss the way they made you feel in those stolen, risk-free, no reality intruding moments...

 

This great post. It really is. At the same time where does the assumption come from that all if the struggles we deal with in our daily goings on may not be better met with someone else?

 

So the natural answer is, "They may be. Go divorce your spouse and seek that nirvana." How lovely. I will just go shopping around and maybe someday I will find that right person.

[harrybrown]

This was not a luxury I had. DDay brought up so many new questions, but NC made it impossible to have those answered. This has been one of the biggest struggles.

 

Now that a lot more time has gone by, it no longer feels like unfinished business, most of the time. For the most part, I'm getting to the place where I just want to shut the door on that chapter of my life.

 

Trying to understand WW. I still think about this everyday for the last 3 years. So if she is still pining for the OM, I am wasting my time.

 

Only married for 35-40 years. I would rather have my leg cut-off than go thru this the first time, and never again. I guess what it is doing now is that she has killed any love or affection that I ever had for her.

 

I am empty and hollow inside. I will never trust anyone again. She admits that she traded down, but I will never understand it.

 

After the last one is gone in two years, she will be out of here. She will not be my problem ever again. We do have kids and grandkids, but I will only visit if she is not there.

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

I do not miss my xMM

If I think of him which unfortunatly can happen a lot do to his close proximity I feel disgusted with myself and hate him. He is a sorry excuse of a man.

Not every memory i have with him is bad or about sexual things. But any "good" memories are destroyed by all the crap that was the base of our time around each other.

If he were to come to me begging forgiveness and asking for us to renew our affair I'd record it on my phone and show his wife. And all our mutual friends. I'd never go back to him.

 

compulsivedancer, I think this is the type of "memory" many of us betrayed spouses would prefer to hear from the spouses who cheated on us - if it can be delivered sincerely and convincingly. I don't know how long it should take to reach this conclusion. I wouldn't expect it on D-day, but I also think nine months would be a little long for me to have to put up with my wife thinking favorably of other man. My wife said and did a lot of things right away to let me know she was disgusted with herself as well as with other man, so it was not something I ever gave that much thought to or had to even ask about; to me it was apparent. Had it been otherwise, I don't think I could have lasted more than a month or two.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

It has taken a very long time for me to get here and oddly enough it took a very recent conversation with a close family friend of my XMOM to really get clarity. It has been four years. There were some things revealed in that conversation that she's some light on his personality and his arrogance and selfishness - all of which I knew but was not facing truthfully. The last few days have been liberating for me because she was able to show me his TRUE nature - and this woman is very close to his BS.

 

I honestly wish I had been able to speak with this woman two years ago because I might have been able to get over this hump sooner, but I can tell you now, without doubt, that I do not want that man in my life - he is a sociopath.

 

Does that take away the good memories? No it doesn't - and that is the hard thing to negotiate. But when I think about the destruction surrounding those memories, it is a little easier to put them away and realize that he is such a coward for not facing my husband (who he called his friend) and not facing my son (who he taught Sunday school to) and for not even apologizing to me (whom he called his best friend)- he went around apologizing to everyone else but not to the people he directly harmed. This also brought to light by this family friend.

 

In my case I needed to hear these things from the person to realize that I only saw the "best" and this man has issues I don't want to deal with.

 

CD - my husband too wanted it all to go away quickly and i was in such a fog and was being "honest" with how I felt and he didn't want to hear what I had to say because I believed I was in love with two men - and in many ways I was - but the reality is I was sucked in by a very good salesman who didn't have my best interests at heart at all.

 

Take it slowly - it will get better if you stay the course.

Edited November 17, 2013 by lilmisscantbewrong

[Bittersweetie]

 

Now that a lot more time has gone by, it no longer feels like unfinished business, most of the time. For the most part, I'm getting to the place where I just want to shut the door on that chapter of my life.

 

Compulsive, I am glad that you are moving forward. It takes time and the more time that goes by the healthier you will be. Good luck!

[janedoe67]

For those of you who are the WS in R, how long is it before you stop thinking about the AP?

 

1) Before the good memories, emotions, sexual thoughts, etc fade?

 

In the beginning and in the wake of D-Day, the good memories were pretty much obliterated by all the hurt I was seeing in those around me....they did resurface for a brief time, but every time a memory tried to spin itself as good, I would consciously remind myself of the lies and betrayal that were necessary to make that memory, and they faded pretty quickly.

 

2) Before he/she stops popping into your mind regularly, whether casual memories or not.

 

Some of this really just...can't be helped and has to run its course. You can't prevent the popping. You CAN redirect it. I used thoughts of my family, thoughts of gratitude, and scripture

 

3) Before you stop caring what he/she may have thought of/felt about you?

 

This one was hardest for me because I cannot STAND the idea of someone hating me or thinking I am awful (yeah, I'm working on it). Again, I just did me best to redirect the thoughts and to remind myself that all I could control was my own mind and my own actions, and then redirect them to recovery and growing

 

It also helped to remind myself that I didn't get the OM as he really is, I got the a few stolen hours and everyone n their best, sexiest behavior version. I missed something that would not have really existed. And, I reminded myself, this is a man who knew I was married, who knew my family, and who was only too happy to sleep with me anyway....so was he really that much of a prize?

[Spark1111]

This great post. It really is. At the same time where does the assumption come from that all if the struggles we deal with in our daily goings on may not be better met with someone else?

 

So the natural answer is, "They may be. Go divorce your spouse and seek that nirvana." How lovely. I will just go shopping around and maybe someday I will find that right person.

 

well the better question beggars: Why didn't you choose properly the first time?

 

And, if true, what steps did you take to fix it or end it?

 

And, if neither one nor the other, then you choose to live with the life you have.

 

So own it. Because THIS IS as good as it gets for you.

 

It really is that simple.

[Spark1111]

For those of you who are the WS in R, how long is it before you stop thinking about the AP?

 

1) Before the good memories, emotions, sexual thoughts, etc fade?

 

In the beginning and in the wake of D-Day, the good memories were pretty much obliterated by all the hurt I was seeing in those around me....they did resurface for a brief time, but every time a memory tried to spin itself as good, I would consciously remind myself of the lies and betrayal that were necessary to make that memory, and they faded pretty quickly.

 

2) Before he/she stops popping into your mind regularly, whether casual memories or not.

 

Some of this really just...can't be helped and has to run its course. You can't prevent the popping. You CAN redirect it. I used thoughts of my family, thoughts of gratitude, and scripture

 

3) Before you stop caring what he/she may have thought of/felt about you?

 

This one was hardest for me because I cannot STAND the idea of someone hating me or thinking I am awful (yeah, I'm working on it). Again, I just did me best to redirect the thoughts and to remind myself that all I could control was my own mind and my own actions, and then redirect them to recovery and growing

 

It also helped to remind myself that I didn't get the OM as he really is, I got the a few stolen hours and everyone n their best, sexiest behavior version. I missed something that would not have really existed. And, I reminded myself, this is a man who knew I was married, who knew my family, and who was only too happy to sleep with me anyway....so was he really that much of a prize?

 

Now THIS is a great post! Rings true.

 

I was just thinking I have many fond memories of past BFs...and they can remain that way.

 

Thinking of them in NO WAY can ever be associated with lies and betrayal and the devastated crying eyes of those I love.

 

yet, I am astute enough to realize they are fond BECAUSE we were always on our best behavior; never had to change diapers, pay bills or deal with the in-laws together.....and because I'd like to believe they TRULY CARED for me, they never ONCE encouraged me to be untrue to myself or my values....

 

HELL, they were attracted to me because of my integrity and honesty and that's the fondest memory of all.

[compulsivedancer]

compulsivedancer, I think this is the type of "memory" many of us betrayed spouses would prefer to hear from the spouses who cheated on us - if it can be delivered sincerely and convincingly. I don't know how long it should take to reach this conclusion. I wouldn't expect it on D-day, but I also think nine months would be a little long for me to have to put up with my wife thinking favorably of other man. My wife said and did a lot of things right away to let me know she was disgusted with herself as well as with other man, so it was not something I ever gave that much thought to or had to even ask about; to me it was apparent. Had it been otherwise, I don't think I could have lasted more than a month or two.

 

Mickey, I did a lot of healing and soul-searching and growth between DDay and joining LS, but I don't think the healing where OM was concerned really began until I joined LS (5 months total). For me this has been a form of group therapy. Before I joined LS, I was struggling HARD with NC, and really really wanted to contact OM. Having the perspective LS offered helped me to work through the issues surrounding OM and get past the pain and the longing (sweep out the fog, so to speak).

 

I have mostly felt like I was "over" OM since Sept, but I had a setback when it looked like NC might be broken (see my http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/420949-all-men-dogs-right thread). So, once the issue was addressed, less than 3 months. Left unaddressed, probably would have resulted in breaking NC.

 

The memories are not "good" memories....they are just memories. Does that make sense? They don't make me wistful or make me think wonderful thoughts about OM.

 

The confusing memories, the ones that make me think about OM, are the ones that got tied up into the "Did he actually like me? Was it all a game? Did I just get played?" It's too easy to get drawn back into those questions. Thankfully, I'm finding that these questions don't matter anymore. Chewing on them doesn't make the answers better, doesn't make them clearer, doesn't give me answers "from the horse's mouth." But I wish they were like the incidental memories, where they didn't make me go down that mental rabbit hole.

 

A lot of those momentary memories have feelings of sadness attached. Not sadness at my loss, but sadness at the context - sadness that I believed it was real and that what we did hurt people.

 

Actually, the memories that make me specifically feel shame are often the actual innocent ones that took place years before the A, when everything truly WAS innocent. I am ashamed to remember OM as a friend, because it reminds me who he was in H's life (his best friend). Taking away his friend is one of the most shameful parts of all of this for me.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Actually, the memories that make me specifically feel shame are often the actual innocent ones that took place years before the A, when everything truly WAS innocent. I am ashamed to remember OM as a friend, because it reminds me who he was in H's life (his best friend). Taking away his friend is one of the most shameful parts of all of this for me.

 

 

This is an amazing post and very much for me the same. I soooo feel your pain.

 

I think I mentioned in a post recently that my husband lamented "xmom was my friend". He hurts and he especially hurts that he never even bothered to face him. He misses that friendship as do I and it still hurts.

 

Keep up the good fight! It is a hard, hard road.

Edited November 19, 2013 by lilmisscantbewrong

[compulsivedancer]

This is what just happened to me. And is for me new threadt worthy.

 

What do you mean?

[Lostinlife4now]

For those of you who are the WS in R, how long is it before you stop thinking about the AP?

 

1) Before the good memories, emotions, sexual thoughts, etc fade?

 

2) Before he/she stops popping into your mind regularly, whether casual memories or not.

 

3) Before you stop caring what he/she may have thought of/felt about you?

 

 

fow here......

 

I still think about xmm from time to time....it has been over 3 years since I have seen him....

 

But now when I think of him....not about happy/good times, but about how much I DETEST him....POS!!!!

 

<off topic material redacted>

Edited November 19, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[compulsivedancer]

I met xMM a year ago. First meeting was a mutual friends birthday party. And infidelity wasn't even a thought. It was innocent, fun, and as usual I didn't even really notice xMM except to be surprised he exsisted because I thought his w was single.

 

It hurts to remember pre affair coolit.

 

And that memory of xMM is not bad. It is just a reminder that things could have been so different.

 

I think you express that perfectly. I oscillate between: how things could've been/were (if the A didn't happen) and: well, he wasn't such a great friend anyway, so it's better that he's out of our lives. But then that swings back to: but I wasn't such a great wife, so the same applies to me. And, if he had done this with someone outside our friends circle, would we still be friends (probably - if it isn't done to you or your loved ones, you don't usually kick out the friend).

 

And, if we'd never done this, I wouldn't struggle with these feelings. It hurts to remember how I felt about him before, which was mostly indifferent. Oh, if there was a way to turn back the clock!

 

I imagine that all the pain I feel is what H feels, to the second (or maybe nth) power. He's mourning TWO losses, simultaneously, and doesn't have a lot of people he can truly discuss them with. He's afraid to talk about what he's going through with me, because he doesn't want his friends to hate me. And he feels so much anger toward OM, that he can't really mourn his loss effectively.

 

What a tangled mess!

Edited November 19, 2013 by compulsivedancer

[lilmisscantbewrong]

I think you express that perfectly. I oscillate between: how things could've been/were (if the A didn't happen) and: well, he wasn't such a great friend anyway, so it's better that he's out of our lives. But then that swings back to: but I wasn't such a great wife, so the same applies to me. And, if he had done this with someone outside our friends circle, would we still be friends (probably - if it isn't done to you or your loved ones, you don't usually kick out the friend).

 

And, if we'd never done this, I wouldn't struggle with these feelings. It hurts to remember how I felt about him before, which was mostly indifferent. Oh, if there was a way to turn back the clock!

 

I imagine that all the pain I feel is what H feels, to the second (or maybe nth) power. He's mourning TWO losses, simultaneously, and doesn't have a lot of people he can truly discuss them with. He's afraid to talk about what he's going through with me, because he doesn't want his friends to hate me. And he feels so much anger toward OM, that he can't really mourn his loss effectively.

 

What a tangled mess!

 

CD - did XMOM every have a conversation (post DDAY) with your husband? If so, how did that go?