compulsivedancer Posted July 4, 2013 Posted July 4, 2013 For those of you who are the WS in R, how long is it before you stop thinking about the AP? 1) Before the good memories, emotions, sexual thoughts, etc fade? 2) Before he/she stops popping into your mind regularly, whether casual memories or not. 3) Before you stop caring what he/she may have thought of/felt about you?
JustAReformedGirl Posted July 4, 2013 Posted July 4, 2013 1) Before the good memories, emotions, sexual thoughts, etc fade? None of it has faded. There have been points where other thoughts or feelings took precedence, (anger, hurt, confusion, numbness) but the good parts have yet to leave me. 2) Before he/she stops popping into your mind regularly, whether casual memories or not. Again, hasn't happened yet. Obviously I have to think about other things in my day-to-day life, but AP makes an appearance frequently. Especially during mundane tasks, like dishes, vacuuming, laundry, etc. 3) Before you stop caring what he/she may have thought of/felt about you? There were times I believed it had happened (when I'm angry, I can convince myself I don't care) but once the anger fades (which didn't necessarily have anything to do with the AP in the first place, but in an attempt to get over things), and night hits...well, no such solace.
ChasingCars Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 I don't think I am half as "stuck" emotionally as a lot of people here are on the ex AP because I had advantages such as never having any illusions of us running away together and I would not have wanted to, (I truly just wanted to be the OW), and I still think of him constantly day and night. It's only been one month for us apart though. This question has me thinking now. Years ago I was a BS and I had no idea, whatsoever, how much the BS can't even begin to guess. Knowing what I know now from being in an A, I would never expect a BS to forgive and I would never be able to stay in the relationship with the WS if the A was ongoing. It's like this... "You see that spoon there you are eating your soup with? No big deal...just a spoon? No, That spoon could have an entire story behind it." Hopefully time erases those memories a bit and new memories are moved to the front. 1
Curlyj Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 Not soon enough! I wish it were much easier to forget and move on. Unfortunately I work with AP which makes it so much harder.
Confused48 Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 1) Before the good memories, emotions, sexual thoughts, etc fade? None of it has faded. There have been points where other thoughts or feelings took precedence, (anger, hurt, confusion, numbness) but the good parts have yet to leave me. 2) Before he/she stops popping into your mind regularly, whether casual memories or not. Again, hasn't happened yet. Obviously I have to think about other things in my day-to-day life, but AP makes an appearance frequently. Especially during mundane tasks, like dishes, vacuuming, laundry, etc. 3) Before you stop caring what he/she may have thought of/felt about you? There were times I believed it had happened (when I'm angry, I can convince myself I don't care) but once the anger fades (which didn't necessarily have anything to do with the AP in the first place, but in an attempt to get over things), and night hits...well, no such solace. Hi Rebel, I always like to read what you write. But I don't think you are what the OP is looking for here. I'd like the OP to chime in but I think what this thread was asking is for people who were, in the past, a WS, to tell how long it took to reach the points that OP laid out. I'm pretty sure you are an active WS, not a former WS. Even if you are now a former WS you could only be so very recently and you previously said you did not want to R (reconcile) with your BS. I think the OP is probably a BS trying to recon with his WS and wants to know what his WS is thinking. OP if I'm correct please let us know. This is an intersting post and I'd like to hear from WS that have reconciled. If that is what you meant. 2
lilmisscantbewrong Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 For those of you who are the WS in R, how long is it before you stop thinking about the AP? 1) Before the good memories, emotions, sexual thoughts, etc fade? 2) Before he/she stops popping into your mind regularly, whether casual memories or not. 3) Before you stop caring what he/she may have thought of/felt about you? I really think it might be different from male to female, but I can tell you it's been 3 1/2 years since dday and there isn't a day that I don't think about him. Now it is much better than it was in the first year and I will go hours now without him popping into my head, but he is always "there" if that makes sense. It does not help that we are from the same town, that I drive by the church daily that we used to go to together, that he spent a lot of time in my house, that there are places around where we all used to frequent together as couples and families - in essence our histories are shared. I understand now completely why some marriage recovery programs advise people to move away. It is just not practical for us. I have just come to accept that he will always be a part of my life whether physically not - there isn't anything I can do about that now. I just try to redirect my thoughts now and let those fade as best I can. 1
Author compulsivedancer Posted July 5, 2013 Author Posted July 5, 2013 Confused, I am a xWW in R. (Rebel just spent a fair amount of time on my last thread, so she's pretty familiar with my story.) I am just wishing that all of the thought and feelings would go away. I'm wondering how long it will be. Rebel, are you still in the A? I read your story a while back and I'm curious whether you've had DDay yet, whether the affair is ended, etc? I always appreciate your comments, btw, whether they were exactly what I was looking for. It's always great to have different perspectives. 2
Author compulsivedancer Posted July 5, 2013 Author Posted July 5, 2013 Lilmiss, this is a lot of the problem I have. Of course it's been just under 6 months. But in order to get places in town, I have to drive past his work and see his truck parked there. He was my husband's BF, so my husband is always bringing him up because he is struggling (more than a typical BS, I would guess), etc. He's been to all the family events, etc. I'm headed to our 4th of July party and I keep flashing on memories from long before the A at the 4th. I never knew this part of an affair existed. I never even thought about it until I was experiencing it.
JustAReformedGirl Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 Rebel, are you still in the A? I read your story a while back and I'm curious whether you've had DDay yet, whether the affair is ended, etc? I always appreciate your comments, btw, whether they were exactly what I was looking for. It's always great to have different perspectives. The affair is over. AP and I mutually agreed that, while I am in my current situation, we didn't want to go any further with it. We were both dealing with sleepless nights, guilt-induced dreams when able to sleep, and after many discussions, opted to put "us" on the back burner until our respective situations pass. We're LC currently. D-day has not yet occurred. I aimed to do it last Friday, but as usual, as soon as I worked up the courage, something comes up. In this case, H wound up going on a field exercise. He's not back until the end of next week. As to your situation, I hope the day comes where it gets easier for you; I hope the day comes where the feelings fade, or leave completely, and you no longer have to feel this level of misery.
Confused48 Posted July 6, 2013 Posted July 6, 2013 Sorry compulsive. I now do recall you are a WW. Being a BS I often wonder what the WS is thinking about with respect to your questions. So I thought you were a BS too. I sure hope more WS will respond. Maybe some that are further along in recon. Sorry I did not recall you were WS. Your questions, if answered, would be helpful to both BS and WS. Great thread. Thanks for thinking of it.
anne1707 Posted July 6, 2013 Posted July 6, 2013 fWS here and 5 years since dday. No, I don't think of the exOM in an emotional or sexual way. I don't have thoughts popping into my head and what he thinks/thought of me is not important to me at all. This is how it has been for me for years now. The first months after dday were all mixed up and crazy and I would have had to say then that yes, I did think about him etc but I knew I wanted to stay with my husband and I had IC to help me get through the mess. I cannot say how long it took me to get to where I am now in terms of not thinking etc. It was more than 6 months, less than a year. I know that is vague but it was years ago and because I stopped thinking about him, there was not a clear point when I can say that happened without actually thinking about him so it all gets a bit circular then (does that make sense?) This is all whilst still working with the exOM and I am sure the process of the above and the reconciliation of my marriage would definitely have been easier if not working together. But to give you an idea of how much things have changed, the exOM got married 3 (?) years ago and it did not bother me in the slightest. 1
Author compulsivedancer Posted July 6, 2013 Author Posted July 6, 2013 Harting, that's probably true. However, since it's on my mind a lot, I'd like to see how long it lasted for other people in my situation. I tend to post about this when I'm specifically struggling with it. Actually, I found this forum originally because I was struggling with this particular issue and wanted some help moving on. 1
Oberfeldwebel Posted July 6, 2013 Posted July 6, 2013 I'm not sure that you have said directly, but have you had D-day yet? If so, they how did this go? Part of the healing process is acknowledging what you have done, being contrite for your actions and working to move forward with your marriage. If D-day has yet to occur, then the healing would be severely delayed. The problem with the affair is the relationship isn't real like a marriage. You aren't raising kids, paying bills, cleaning house, all the hard things in daily life. It can be hard to keep up romance and passion in this environment. The fantasy however is only about you, romance and passion.....period. Is this fun? Sure, but it is not real. Will you have thoughts of the other person? Yes of course you will, but it should not be pining for the other person. Firstly this person is not the great person that the fantasy tells you that he is in fact. He had no regard for your marriage or family and if he will cheat with you, he will cheat on you. Secondly, the luster of this relationship has not been tested and in time would wane, unfortunately the real relationship would have been long gone. Don't waste you time pining for a relationship that never was, instead concentrate your efforts with the one you have now. How can you repair damage to your husband and family? Why did I do these things that led to this destructive behavior? These are things that you should concentrate on when you get to thinking of some Barney that was only thinking of his own self gratification. 3
Author compulsivedancer Posted July 6, 2013 Author Posted July 6, 2013 Ober, DDay was the end of Jan. I think I've mostly conquered the truly frustrating part of this, which included a fair amount of pining. This week really brought home to me how much I have hurt my H and how close I came to losing him (and how likely it still is!), and that made me so angry, and part of that anger was directed at the AP. I feel like he got what he wanted and life is continuing as always for him. So hopefully that replaces a lot of the good feelings towards him. But I do wonder if I'll ever stop thinking about him, good or bad. So if there are any more WS who can comment on their experiences, I'd appreciate it. 1
Spark1111 Posted July 9, 2013 Posted July 9, 2013 Ober, DDay was the end of Jan. I think I've mostly conquered the truly frustrating part of this, which included a fair amount of pining. This week really brought home to me how much I have hurt my H and how close I came to losing him (and how likely it still is!), and that made me so angry, and part of that anger was directed at the AP. I feel like he got what he wanted and life is continuing as always for him. So hopefully that replaces a lot of the good feelings towards him. But I do wonder if I'll ever stop thinking about him, good or bad. So if there are any more WS who can comment on their experiences, I'd appreciate it. Maybe it is easier to think about if REALITY is not allowed to intrude. No offense to any AP, but you get to hold onto the fantasy and the what-ifs for a helluva lot longer. FBS here...and I threw him out to go be with his soulmate. I promised to divorce amicably, never interfere with his relationship with his children. In fact, I told them to treat her with respect if that is who their father wound up with. I never said a bad word about her, or against them. He never told her he had carte blanche to be with her. It imploded. Reality, chaos, her child, her anger all came at him. No more non-stop texts, no constant, pre-scheduled romantic trysts where they could lavish uninterrupted attention and validation upon each other....Reality, day in, day out. It went pssssst in three weeks. Fantasy projection OVER when it became a REAL relationship.....sigh..... Much, much harder to miss or pine for an illusion that died under the harsh glare of reality and a real relationship. I know how hard it is to miss someone or some something YOU CAN'T HAVE 24/7. I get it! But try, really try, to imagine day in and day out...bills, children, house, lawn, in-laws, interruptions, and chaos with the AP. No more lying in each other's arms without a crying child banging on the bedroom door. No more texting because you will always see each other at dinner. No more unrequited love.... Picture it...Still miss them? Or do you only miss the way they made you feel in those stolen, risk-free, no reality intruding moments... 4
Author compulsivedancer Posted July 9, 2013 Author Posted July 9, 2013 I imagine the reality of being with him would not have been truly desirable. But I never wanted that. I never planned to leave my husband, and my AP made it clear that he wasn't interested in me leaving my H or him leaving his GF. So I've never considered that as an option. For me it's mostly a need for "closure." I know that's basically bull, but it feels like there was a lot left unsaid, because we didn't know it was ending and have been NC since DDay. Sometimes the need for contact is unbearable and the only thing that keeps me in check is knowing that my H will leave me if I do. The need disappears for a week or two at a time, then returns with a vengeance. I'm hoping this is just addictive behavior and will pass with time. The other thing is a strong wish to hear him express that he actually cared for me and wasn't just leading me on for sex. I never thought he was during, so if course we never discussed it. But since my H insists that that's all he wanted from me, I both believe it and don't believe it at the same time. I try to tell myself that it doesn't matter, but I can't stop it from eating at me anyway.
Author compulsivedancer Posted July 9, 2013 Author Posted July 9, 2013 I'm getting a lot of comments lately from BSs. And I appreciate your concerns. We talked a lot about them in my last thread. But I'd really like to hear from some WSs, as they can tell me what to expect as I try to move past the withdrawal phase here.
carhill Posted July 9, 2013 Posted July 9, 2013 OP, I was 'stuck' as a younger person and found, mainly as a result of life experience and being married that, for myself, 'stuck' revolved around care. I learned to care less and became 'unstuck'. It worked. I think the process, whatever it entails, is different for each person, as we are unique beings. It's overwhelmingly likely that you'll come to your own unique understanding in your own time. For myself, it took a couple decades to figure out. I hope things work out far more expediently for you. Good luck. 1
Bittersweetie Posted July 9, 2013 Posted July 9, 2013 Hi, fWW here. D-day was about 3.5 years ago. 1) Before the good memories, emotions, sexual thoughts, etc fade? Compulsive, the question is, why are these thoughts still "good"? That's when they will fade. I have memories that at the time I thought were so good...now they make my stomach turn because I can see the reality of what I was doing, the people I was hurting. When I stopped recognizing those memories as good or positive, then they began to fade. 2) Before he/she stops popping into your mind regularly, whether casual memories or not. After d-day, I realized that I was thinking of AP a lot so I could escape from the reality/disaster I had made of my life. So to stop, whenever I thought of AP I would think of something negative like my H's face when I told him. That made thoughts of the AP go down quickly. Even today if he does pop into my head the thought is gone in less than a minute. 3) Before you stop caring what he/she may have thought of/felt about you? I probably had the hardest time with this one because after looking at things with time and perspective and a clear head, I see that I was probably used somewhat and that was hard to swallow. I risked everything for a guy who probably didn't give two farts for me. But thinking about what he felt about me was an energy suck that I couldn't afford, plus to do so was disrespecting my H. So I let it go. Maybe he was in love with me; maybe I was just a network time killer. It no longer matters to me. If you're looking for a specific time frame, I would say that for me between 6-12 months after d-day was when things really began to fade and my mind began to clear and fully process what I had done. It was then that I could fully examine myself and my relationship. I hope this was helpful. 4
Confused48 Posted July 10, 2013 Posted July 10, 2013 Hi, fWW here. D-day was about 3.5 years ago. Compulsive, the question is, why are these thoughts still "good"? That's when they will fade. I have memories that at the time I thought were so good...now they make my stomach turn because I can see the reality of what I was doing, the people I was hurting. When I stopped recognizing those memories as good or positive, then they began to fade. After d-day, I realized that I was thinking of AP a lot so I could escape from the reality/disaster I had made of my life. So to stop, whenever I thought of AP I would think of something negative like my H's face when I told him. That made thoughts of the AP go down quickly. Even today if he does pop into my head the thought is gone in less than a minute. I probably had the hardest time with this one because after looking at things with time and perspective and a clear head, I see that I was probably used somewhat and that was hard to swallow. I risked everything for a guy who probably didn't give two farts for me. But thinking about what he felt about me was an energy suck that I couldn't afford, plus to do so was disrespecting my H. So I let it go. Maybe he was in love with me; maybe I was just a network time killer. It no longer matters to me. If you're looking for a specific time frame, I would say that for me between 6-12 months after d-day was when things really began to fade and my mind began to clear and fully process what I had done. It was then that I could fully examine myself and my relationship. I hope this was helpful. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I have hope my WS is somewhere close to this. Your post gives me comfort that at least it happened once. 2
Praying4Peace Posted July 10, 2013 Posted July 10, 2013 I think the answers really depend on what type of affair it was. Friendship first 'wasn't looking for anything' EA, a PA, and EA/PA, a 'looking for an EA and PA"...it all affects your mindset. Memories will ALWAYS be fond, but no one is dumb enough to tell their BS that...come on we are talking about people who are trying to stay in their marriages! Thoughts- every day. Has been 6 months for me. At some point, the hustle and bustle of everyday life will take over and not leave much room for thoughts but when it's quiet and you are alone and not doing anything else, you naturally remember that which made you feel wonderful (whether there is a basis in reality or not, it is what it is). (Note- we had a very strong EA with an equally out of control PA) Important thing is to just keep it out of your BS's face and deal with it on your own.
Tau Posted July 10, 2013 Posted July 10, 2013 (edited) "I'm getting a lot of comments lately from BSs. And I appreciate your concerns. We talked a lot about them in my last thread. But I'd really like to hear from some WSs, as they can tell me what to expect as I try to move past the withdrawal phase here." It reads like you're choosing to stay hung up. If you're actually curious, as long as you obsess over it, it will never grow fainter. I've learned from this A, that you choose how much and why things matter. I got some of the best advice I've heard through all of this today from my best friend. 'Whatever you think about is what your life will be filled with' Self fulfilled prophecy. You believe its hard to let go, so it is. Here's a suggestion, every time you have any type of thought associated with your AP, do something for your H. Give him a massage, make him dinner, do something special sexually (if he can still get it up around you). At least then you can put it to good use. Edited July 10, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
William Posted July 10, 2013 Posted July 10, 2013 Since the thread starter politely asked for responses to be confined to the topic, moderation will re-state their request in stronger terms. Members are directed to respond to the topic as stated in the first post in their responses. Editorializing and attempting to steer the topic to their own agendas will be met with disciplinary action. Thanks. This thread has been edited.
Tau Posted July 10, 2013 Posted July 10, 2013 Controlling your emotional responses can be nudged over time. It can shorten the impact of those thoughts. Carhill's "I learned to care less and became 'unstuck'" and Bittersweetie's "whenever I thought of AP I would think of something negative like my H's face when I told him." are great examples. Let distance and bad emotions grow connected to the thought of the AP. Channel the frustration and negativity into either positive thoughts about your BS, or negative thoughts about AP. If the AP really was a since childhood bestie, then that speaks hugely of his character. I think if you feel even half as sorry as you seem to want to imply, then you would welcome all the distance and negativity you can muster to build space and perspective. Imagine the most intense fear and pain you've ever felt because of the AP, and always connect that with those thoughts. 2
ladydesigner Posted July 10, 2013 Posted July 10, 2013 Maybe it is easier to think about if REALITY is not allowed to intrude. No offense to any AP, but you get to hold onto the fantasy and the what-ifs for a helluva lot longer. FBS here...and I threw him out to go be with his soulmate. I promised to divorce amicably, never interfere with his relationship with his children. In fact, I told them to treat her with respect if that is who their father wound up with. I never said a bad word about her, or against them. He never told her he had carte blanche to be with her. It imploded. Reality, chaos, her child, her anger all came at him. No more non-stop texts, no constant, pre-scheduled romantic trysts where they could lavish uninterrupted attention and validation upon each other....Reality, day in, day out. It went pssssst in three weeks. Fantasy projection OVER when it became a REAL relationship.....sigh..... Much, much harder to miss or pine for an illusion that died under the harsh glare of reality and a real relationship. I know how hard it is to miss someone or some something YOU CAN'T HAVE 24/7. I get it! But try, really try, to imagine day in and day out...bills, children, house, lawn, in-laws, interruptions, and chaos with the AP. No more lying in each other's arms without a crying child banging on the bedroom door. No more texting because you will always see each other at dinner. No more unrequited love.... Picture it...Still miss them? Or do you only miss the way they made you feel in those stolen, risk-free, no reality intruding moments... Great post Spark!!! I am 5 years out from my A and I like another poster mentioned, I also have no thoughts about xOM. I don't even think of how he is doing, that is how irrelevant it is to me now. After the A ended, yes there were thoughts there, but I missed how he made me feel, not him. All in all, after I went NC with xAP it took me a couple of months to move on. In total it took about 1.5 years to where it no longer interfered with my life.
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