AverageCat Posted July 4, 2013 Posted July 4, 2013 I've been struggling with trust issues with my gf for a while now. Only now I really understand what's going on. It's not XYZ guy that hit on her, or her classmate who she grabs lunch with sometime. It's the fact that I can't trust her. When we first started dating we were very understanding that we weren't exclusive... The first stab came when things were going really well with us. There was this guy who was obsessed with her, and they were long distance talking a lot. According to her he was obsessed and they weren't serious or anything. However, one day she broke down crying because this guy had made out with another girl, although he was always telling her he loved her. Turns out she cared about the guy a lot more than she was telling me... Second biggest stab came right after we became exclusive. - The guy from above started drinking and doing drugs since she cut contact with him and she would touch base to tell him to get better and support him a bit. - She kept texting with a guy who was blatantly hitting on her, first telling me he was txting her and she was refusing (while actually she was txt-flirting along). Then once told me she hadn't txted with him one day when in fact she had... I almost ended it at that point (a few weeks into our R), but then I gave it another chance. Since then she has given me NO REAL reason for concern. Some minor problems I'd say, but they all get amplified because: a) She has trust issues of her own. So I have to be very careful when talking to other girls. b) I am understanding now that I have trust issues too.... and they were caused from the things mentioned above. I just want to be able to fully trust her again, like I used to do when we were first dating.... Anyone knows if it is salvagable? Aside from all this, we have an amazing time whenever we hang out... Like beyond amazing but we keep having small fights... There is definitely love, but without trust....?
Iama Posted July 4, 2013 Posted July 4, 2013 Been in the same spot. I say just talk to her and see how open she is into supporting your trust issues
Archgirl Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 Nah Cat, you had trust issues before that just because you liked her so much and weren't used to it. Then you went looking for reasons to distrust her and found them. She's with you, she wants you, please stop sabotaging your relationship - you'll never stop regretting it otherwise xox 1
CherryT Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 I've been struggling with trust issues with my gf for a while now. Only now I really understand what's going on. It's not XYZ guy that hit on her, or her classmate who she grabs lunch with sometime. It's the fact that I can't trust her. When we first started dating we were very understanding that we weren't exclusive... The first stab came when things were going really well with us. There was this guy who was obsessed with her, and they were long distance talking a lot. According to her he was obsessed and they weren't serious or anything. However, one day she broke down crying because this guy had made out with another girl, although he was always telling her he loved her. Turns out she cared about the guy a lot more than she was telling me... Second biggest stab came right after we became exclusive. - The guy from above started drinking and doing drugs since she cut contact with him and she would touch base to tell him to get better and support him a bit. - She kept texting with a guy who was blatantly hitting on her, first telling me he was txting her and she was refusing (while actually she was txt-flirting along). Then once told me she hadn't txted with him one day when in fact she had... I almost ended it at that point (a few weeks into our R), but then I gave it another chance. Since then she has given me NO REAL reason for concern. Some minor problems I'd say, but they all get amplified because: a) She has trust issues of her own. So I have to be very careful when talking to other girls. b) I am understanding now that I have trust issues too.... and they were caused from the things mentioned above. I just want to be able to fully trust her again, like I used to do when we were first dating.... Anyone knows if it is salvagable? Aside from all this, we have an amazing time whenever we hang out... Like beyond amazing but we keep having small fights... There is definitely love, but without trust....? A couple of things. 1) You weren't exclusively dating.. so whoever she is talking to besides you isn't your concern nor is it her obligation to tell you. The trust issue is WITH YOU at that point and not her actions. When you're exclusive and become "in a relationship" then yes, there are obligations. 2) I sense you're insecure because she cannot control who hits on her but she can control how she responds. Whether it's the guy who hit on her or the guy she has lunch with at school. Are you both in your early 20's? Do you expect her to eat alone or can she have a friend? 3) Trust is a foundation of a relationship and without it you're set for doom. I would say until you both work on your self esteem issues, you both probably won't be able to salvage this. Because the little incidences, that really are nothing (like going to lunch with a friend or knowing some guy hit on her) will cause too much issues. Her insecurity is wanting male attention. She lets guys hit on her... but until she is 100% exclusive with you, she's allowed to flirt with whoever she wants to. If she is doing that and you are both committed to one another, then I wouldn't put up with it. I wouldn't get mad if a girl hit on my man - he can't control that. However, he can control how he reacts.
ChessPieceFace Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 (edited) She's already lied to you about (at least) flirtations, while you said you were exclusive. She is not a person worthy of trust. It's your life, but I don't see this relationship lasting. Note that this type of immature behavior is why I don't believe in open relationships or non-exclusive "relationships" in the first place. If a person wants to do that EVER, then they aren't relationship material EVER. IMO. However, I still believe in casual dating where you are still shopping around and not doing anything with anyone. until she is 100% exclusive with you He said they were now exclusive, and she kept lying about what she's doing with other guys. Stop defending it. Stop blaming the victim. Edited July 5, 2013 by ChessPieceFace 1
tbf Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 It's one thing to discuss multidating (which I feel is the ethical way to multidate) and another to get into the details of interactions with others, especially crying over jealousy issues and his obsession with her. I wouldn't trust her either. Something's off about this girl. I think she emotionally manipulated you into a relationship by pushing your jealousy buttons.
Author AverageCat Posted July 5, 2013 Author Posted July 5, 2013 Nah Cat, you had trust issues before that just because you liked her so much and weren't used to it. Then you went looking for reasons to distrust her and found them. She's with you, she wants you, please stop sabotaging your relationship - you'll never stop regretting it otherwise xox I do understand that, however like I said it's not a thought process, it's simply a feeling. Controlling your feelings leads to them just being tampered up and exploding at some other point. It's one thing to discuss multidating (which I feel is the ethical way to multidate) and another to get into the details of interactions with others, especially crying over jealousy issues and his obsession with her. I wouldn't trust her either. Something's off about this girl. I think she emotionally manipulated you into a relationship by pushing your jealousy buttons. I don;t cry over jealousy issues, but I feel them sometimes. So if I feel them then why not discuss it with her? I don't think she manipulated me, but I got into the R because she wasn't pushing a lot, so I found it as some kind of challenge, to get her to fall completely for me... and she did. We are exclusive now. And I’m sorry but when people lie to me it sets a bad precedent, whether we’re lovers or friends. It’s true she doesn’t have to tell me everything, but at the moment where she lies to me to appear “better”…. We talked about it yesterday in more calm terms. She said she’s willing to do anything so together we can fix this. I told her we have to work on the double standards (i.e. she doesn’t want me to have lunch with other girls, but she does, although with guys who I don’t really feel threatened by..) And also on opening up as much as possible to each other. She agreed and we left it at that.
ChessPieceFace Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 I don't think she manipulated me, but I got into the R because she wasn't pushing a lot, so I found it as some kind of challenge, to get her to fall completely for me... and she did. If she "fell completely" for you she wouldn't be messing around with / flirting with other guys. She wouldn't have spent the 4th with another guy. Stop lying to yourself. We talked about it yesterday in more calm terms. She said she’s willing to do anything so together we can fix this. Cheaters are always willing to "do anything" to keep their cheated-on LTR going so they can continue to misbehave. Just like a lying miscreant child. I told her we have to work on the double standards (i.e. she doesn’t want me to have lunch with other girls, but she does, although with guys who I don’t really feel threatened by..) And also on opening up as much as possible to each other. She agreed and we left it at that. She sold you some more lies and you bought them. GL with that, buddy.
Author AverageCat Posted July 5, 2013 Author Posted July 5, 2013 If she "fell completely" for you she wouldn't be messing around with / flirting with other guys. She wouldn't have spent the 4th with another guy. Stop lying to yourself. Lol where did I say she's spending the 4th with someone else? I think you're confusing threads Cheaters are always willing to "do anything" to keep their cheated-on LTR going so they can continue to misbehave. Just like a lying miscreant child. She sold you some more lies and you bought them. GL with that, buddy. I know FOR SURE, she's not cheating on me. The incidents happened right before and at the beginning of our R. I suspect they were started because she was feeling insecure, and the txt-flirting was kept on for a bit just as a game and as we were not well-established yet as a couple.
SER Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 OP, only you know your partner. I have a similar type thread going on a few forums and some go straight to saying that it won't last because they're a terrible person and that it's doomed. Others will say that you can give them a chance but to keep your guard up. And still others will tell you that your problem is yourself, not your girlfriend and that it's still doomed because you're the one with the problem. Again, though, only you know this person and her personality and who she really is. If she's given you no indication that she's doing anything wrong, I would go with it. Yes, you went looking for trouble and found it. So did I. No one can tell you whether or not it's salvageable; you have so much work do to on both yourselves and on the relationship to work out the way you'd like. Nothing is impossible, though, so keep that in mind. All you can really do is try your best to gain trust in her again. You might tell her that it's ok to tell you things that might upset you, because you'd rather know and be less upset than know later and be upset because something happened and because it was kept from you. You need to assure her that you'll be open for civil communication for these negative things that she might tell you and that you won't attack her for it, otherwise she may stop telling you things again. This is what I intend to tell my boyfriend and I believe that since it's the opposite of what I've done before (rather than getting so upset at things that my exes always lied by omission or just lied to due to fear that I'd get angry), it might have a more mature and positive effect on the relationship. Also, don't allow repeated offenses. She is welcome to tell you what she does, but if you discuss something and it's done again, she needs to get the axe. I wouldn't tell her this, but for you, you need to not get walked on if that is the case. Good luck, I really do hope it works out for you. 1
ChessPieceFace Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 Lol where did I say she's spending the 4th with someone else? I think you're confusing threads Oops, you're right. But these are still your words in the OP: Second biggest stab came right after we became exclusive. - The guy from above started drinking and doing drugs since she cut contact with him and she would touch base to tell him to get better and support him a bit. - She kept texting with a guy who was blatantly hitting on her, first telling me he was txting her and she was refusing (while actually she was txt-flirting along). Then once told me she hadn't txted with him one day when in fact she had... This is what is referred to as a lie. And more to the point, a lie about what she's doing with other guys. Whether it's texting or cheating, she's lied to you about what she's doing with other guys. While you were in a relationship. Maybe you have lower standards of honesty and integrity than I do. Regardless, you're seeing what you want to see, and downplaying problems so you can keep getting what you want in the short-term. What I see is a girl who has no problems lying to her BF about her activities with other guys when it suits her. When I extend this to the long term, it spells infidelity and betrayal. Can mistakes be made, can people change, yep ... but it's not likely. The most anyone can tell you is what is likely. I think it's likely you're going to be cheated on by this girl. How you respond to that is your decision.
Author AverageCat Posted July 5, 2013 Author Posted July 5, 2013 This is what is referred to as a lie...... Maybe you have lower standards of honesty and integrity than I do...... Have you ever lied to your parents? Did it mean you didn't love them? Let's not pretend we're all saints please. Main reason I took her back after this (4 months ago), is because - I believe we're all humans aka imperfect. - I believe every person in this earth has lied at some point.
Author AverageCat Posted July 5, 2013 Author Posted July 5, 2013 You might tell her that it's ok to tell you things that might upset you, because you'd rather know and be less upset than know later and be upset because something happened and because it was kept from you. You need to assure her that you'll be open for civil communication for these negative things that she might tell you and that you won't attack her for it, otherwise she may stop telling you things again. This is what I intend to tell my boyfriend and I believe that since it's the opposite of what I've done before (rather than getting so upset at things that my exes always lied by omission or just lied to due to fear that I'd get angry), it might have a more mature and positive effect on the relationship. Yes, we've had this talk. I've told her she has no reason to lie to me. Whatever it is I'll be non-judgmental about it... and I think it's helped...
ChessPieceFace Posted July 6, 2013 Posted July 6, 2013 Have you ever lied to your parents? Did it mean you didn't love them? If you really believe you can make any kind of comparison like the above to absolve your GF's lies about other guys, you're worse off than I thought. Hope her cheating doesn't totally wreck your life. Have fun!!
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