Here's my deal

[Designguy91]

Hello I'm new here and I feel somewhat weird posting here but I'm having lot's of dead ends when getting advice from friends and family. I had a very tough childhood clustered with abuse, drugs and alcohol, mainly from my dad. I have come to terms with all that and I'm good. Since my parents divorced and I never really felt that love of a family that's all I wanted. I was in a 10 year relationship. We were very close but looking back at that now I think it developed into more of a friendship without us even realizing. She eventually cheated on me. Cheating is something I can not deal with so I left her. After that relationship I bounced back and dated for 3 years and met my ex wife. We instantly hit it off and things went from there. After a couple years of dating and living together we got married. After marriage we had a child. We after my son was born and he was around 18 months she cheated. My 1st thought was run. After thinking I said well maybe people make mistakes and when I left my last cheater I was not married or a dad. I had my family that I desired. Well I agreed to counseling and tried to work on it. After a year of "working" I found out she was texting the same guy. I had no idea how long. So that was it I left.

 

It's been 3 years since then and we are divorced now. I have the greatest relationship with my son and see him often. He just turned 5 the other day and tells everyone I'm the best dad in the world. My problem is that I have issues connecting with girls now. I date and it all seems great but when it gets to the point that we should start dating exclusively I shy away. I admit this is unintentional but I know I do it. The harder they push and tell me they like me and how great I am pushes me further away.

 

I am not still in love with my ex wife. Though some feel I am. The only thing I can think is that something in my subconscious is telling me this will happen again. After my divorce I did not date for at least a year to mourn. She jumped right in and moved a guy she met in. To this day no girl has ever met me son. I'm so afraid of putting him though the pain I went through. I suffered from some pretty deep depression from all that. I have since pulled myself out and I'm doing ok minus the connection thing. Maybe I just have not met the right one and I'm being overly critical.

 

Just looking for some thoughts from some people on here. By the way I'm 40 and not getting much younger.

 

Thanks for reading.

[JustAReformedGirl]

Don't be too hard on yourself; your feelings are understandable. Even if you're not intentionally shying away, it makes a certain amount of sense that, after having two relationships that resulted in the same problem, you'd want to be more cautious, now.

 

Having your son in that equation certainly puts you more at a disadvantage. I don't mean that in an offensive way, of course. Your son comes first, and you don't want to get involved in a relationship that could fall apart, which would affect him a great deal if he gets close to whomever you date.

 

I don't think you have feelings for your ex; I think this is purely self-preservation for you and your young child. You may not be getting any younger, but you don't want to rush headlong into another relationship, based on that fact alone.

 

Date casually for awhile longer; there is nothing wrong with that. You've supplied a stable life for your son, and for the most part, you're happy in that life, right?

 

When you're ready for something serious again-if you ever are-then you will find someone. If not, be content in the knowledge you're doing the right thing for you and your child, and that as long as you don't lead anyone on, casually dating is a viable option.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Welcome designguy

 

Congrats on your successful relationship with your son. I am especially impressed when someone comes from a dysfunctional family but successfully avoids repeating the sins with their own children. Be proud.

 

I am guessing that the everlasting consequence of your experience may be a fear of abandonment, of which you have certainly had more than your fair share.

 

Infidelity is a horrible, soul crushing thing. And yet you survived. No one would blame you for wanting to protect yourself from another hurt. I think you are not letting women close enough to hurt you, so you are either dating those who could never stick, or stopping a relationship if it gets too close.

 

But...if you want to have love in your life, you have to risk hurt. (You know this) you have lots of good years to share with the right person.

 

But maybe your "picker" might need some fine tuning too? I know it feels like everyone cheats, but they don't. Working on why you are attracted to certain types of women might help.