Hello

[Nightvisions]

Hey all. Needing help sorting through this. Me and my ex-wife were together for twelve years and have two kids together. We have been divorced for about 7 years. our marraige fell to pieces mostly because of my opiate and meth addiction. When it happened, I was a complete wreck because I didnt want her to leave. My Identity was completely tied to her, but all the begging and groveling in the world couldnt change her mind. She had to leave for her sake and the kids I was a true addict and wasnt there for her emotionally and wasnt being the best father. So after she filed for divorce I went totally off the deep end and my addiction turned into dealing drugs and multiple O.D's and finally indictment and 4 years of prison. I got clean as of 07 and have changed my life. Since the divorce she had gotten remarried and I was able to come to terms with what happened between us while locked up and made all the changes I needed to be a good father when I got home all the while praying to God for restoration of my family. Within 2 months of being home she came to me and said she couldn believe the changes I have made, told me that she still loved me and wanted nothing more in this world than to be together with me again. I was literally in shock and cried I was so happy. She left her husband and we jumped into us full blast. That was in December. In January she confessed that she had been using meth and I couldnt believe it. I am a recovering addict and I flat out told her that I cant be with her if thats what she is doing. She told me that she was done with it and begged me to stay and not give up on her. So I did. From that point on I began to really struggle with trust and it caused numerous arguments between us. She would go and hang out with dealers and users but swear that she wasnt using. I kept harping on her that she needed to separate from those kind of people. Just a lot of suspicious stuff but I really dont know for sure that she was using still I only have my past experience of 15 plus years of being a proffesional junkie to draw from. Arond April I came into her house to see her and she had a bag of weed laying out in plain view of the kids and the world. I lost my cool and we argued. She swore that she found it in the house. I told her we cant do this and she again told me things that made my heart melt and I stayed. I would ask her what the hell when she wouldnt sleep for a couple days and she would just get angry at me and say that she is sick of the accusations. She didnt talk to me for a couple days wouldnt return txts and refused to answer my calls so I went to her work and she was sitting in her vehicle. I asked her what was up and she said it was over. That was 2 weeks ago and since then she refuses to acknowledge that I even exist no communication about my kids nothing at all. All of my hopes and prayers I thought were answered and now she is just completely refusing to talk to me, answer txts, emails nothing. I am absolutly crushed and whats crazy is that I was ready to walk away in December and April and the moment she said it was over the tables instantly turned and I have since turned into the same panic and begging pitiful desperation like when she left me the first time . Anyones help or insight is appreciated:(

[Ashlaria]

Hey there.

 

I am so sorry to hear your story. To have gone through all you have and for it to end like this is horrible. I think you need to spend time by yourself and concentrate on the positive. You have overcome so much to be a good Father, and clearly you are a good man. Trying to help her get clean, despite what must have been terrible temptations to go back to taking drugs.

 

I have been in a similar position recently. My relationship has been very difficult for a while and I regularly called things off and my bf would chase and chase, telling me he loved me, couldn't be without me, we were meant to be together etc. Two weeks ago he called it off. Saying he couldn't leave his son to be with me so I'm better off without him. I fell apart. Suddenly everything I knew was real was gone. I realised that all the time I was calling it off I was really just getting reassurance he loved me and wanted to be with me. I never really wanted to end things. (Although each time I said it I truly believed it)

 

I think you might be so sad because you never wanted to be without her and now you are, and it wasn't your choice. I guess the only thing I can advise is to be nice to yourself. Do something for yourself, that you enjoy, be decadent!

 

You need to consider no contact. If it is meant to be, she will wise up. Trying to contact her makes her feel powerful, just as it did you, so if you give her space she will either decide to try and make a go with you, or she will move on. Either way you need to concentrate on yourself and all the amazing things you have achieved against the odds.

 

I hope you find your peace x

[Nightvisions]

Thanks for your reply. Ever since I got out I have not had anyone to talk to. I focused all my time on her and my kids. Now that its over I have no one and only questions without answers.

The no contact thing sounds good and I am trying but I just break down especially at night and in the morning. It is so pitifull and humiliating but I am really struggling with obsessing and panic over it and I crack. I hate it. We are supposed to at least be able to communicate about the kids. Today is the fourth of july and I tried to call yesterday to find out what the plans were for the kids so we could celebrate independence day but she wont even answer. We have two kids together. I talked to my oldest daughter yesterday and asked her. She called her mother and her mother said "I dont have time for that **** right now." So now I am home not knowing what is going on with my kids and cant get ahold of anyone to find out.

HOW DO I COPE???

[Ashlaria]

It must be so much harder when kids are involved. I think you need to accept the nc for now and take control of it. Can you message your kids to let then know you are thinking of them? My sons Dad doesn't have any contact, his choice, and I think it's important to make sure they know its not your choice to be away from them so they don't start thinking they are to blame somehow.

 

For the nc thing. I have been writing to myself, each morning when I get up and there is no message, where there has been every day for the last 31 months, I write down how I feel. It's been 8 days since the initial break so things are still raw. A lot of what we do is habit, like smoking. You overcame drug addiction, have you got any tools you can apply here? Maybe starting a new hobby or just keeping busy? I'm not an expert, this is the worst thing that has ever happened to me, but I feel your pain and hopefully it won't last much longer.

 

I wish you peace x