Focus on the negative

[southbound]

As for strategies to stay strong and maintain NC..... I've found the best thing is to focus on the negative.

 

Yes, it's important to keep busy, get a hobby, exercise more, throw yourself into work, find new friends or hang out with ones you ignored. All those things definitely definitely help and are necessary.

 

But we all know there are those times of the day. Moments, minutes, or longer, when you get lost in thought about what happened, the memories, and missing them. It seems like those always end up with making you think about the good stuff, not the bad stuff. The ways it worked as opposed to the ways it didn't. The sex, the good memories, the laughs together, the comfort, the familiarity and emotional security of having someone. That just all immediately lends itself to making you miss them and before you know it, you're rationalizing ways to get back in touch.

 

I have found that focusing on the negative helps get me back on track as to why NC must be continued. the sleepless nights wondering what she was doing and wasn't answering calls or texts, the stress of her unpredictability, the lies, the hurtful things said here and there, the reasons why marriage would've been very difficult. In short, ever reason in the world she didn't deserve to be on a pedestal.

 

Whatever works for you, focus on that. Think back to every time during the relationship you thought "I don't deserve this". No one is perfect. In my case, she could be an extremely cold, emotionless person. She was very high maintenance. She has a pain in the ass son. She is secretive. She can be borderline narcissistic. She doesn't admit to her mistakes unless caught red-handed or made to stand in front of a mirror. She's a taker, and doesn't give. She does what she wants without regard to how it hurts those who care about her; not intentionally hurting them, she just doesn't think and is careless with others feelings.

 

All that...I focus on it. After about 10 minutes of that, any urge fades away and I'm back to strong NC. Do I still love her? Yes. Do I miss her? Yes. But NC goal is about me, not her. Just as it is your healing, not theirs. So develop whatever strategy you need to; just sharing that this works well for me, because I think it's mostly agreed on here on the forum that NC is the best strategy for getting on with your life.

 

Hope this helps anyone reading.

[theonlyjuan]

Yeah it definatly helps.

 

My mate went to a therapy session. They tell you to associate a negative every time you think of them. Months later whenever she was mentioned the negative immediately took over. He never saw her in the same way ever again.

 

 

I'm sure they used to use that technique to kick habits, like smoking

[aloneinaz]

Southbound-

 

I could have written the same exact thing about my ex but would have added quite a few more negatives like vindictive, grudge holder, quick tempered, insecure, selfish, negative and ran EVERYONE down who crossed her. She wasn't a happy person in her life and was very insecure deep down though she tried to come across as confident and secure.

 

You're point is so valid and true. I'm 4-5 weeks since break up and NC. The first couple of weeks sucked. It then got somewhat better as the acceptance kind of kicked in. I still think about her and the good times (the beginning of the relationship) but I remind myself that if we got back together, it would quickly go back to the same old BS. He constantly stressed out and overwhelmed w/her kids, job. Being short, snappy and bitchy in her interaction w/me and justifying it because of her stress. Nit picking everything I do or don't do. Me having to alway walk on egg shells around her since she could go from sweet as pie to extreme bitch in two seconds.

 

I remind myself it was a TOXIC relationship due to her being a toxic person. I found a site that discussed this and described the top ten traits of this type of toxic person. She got 8 out of 10. It scared me how they so described her behavior. It's important to note that she KNEW she had these short comings and would always say that her Dad would tell her ex "kudos for sticking in there with her as she's not an easy person to get along with". No, no she wasn't. Until she sticks with therapy to try and unravel why she's the way she is, she's not going to be happy with herself or any other person in her life.

 

So, i'd also strongly agree to focus on the negative. I think FAR too many people on this site only remember the good times and deny or block out the person's negative traits or the magnitude of the issues in the relationship. This is of no value and only keeps you stuck in that bad place. People really need to put it in perspective, mourn, heal and then get back after it. Life's full of rejection. No one loves everyone. Move on, find happiness else where.

[andilyn1]

Great advice. I'm 3 weeks since the breakup, and 11 days NC, and I really needed to read this, especially today. It's my bday, and I'm struggling a bit. But I'm gonna try and focus on the negatives about him and our relationship, because the bad definitely outweighed the good. It certainly was a toxic relationship before the physical abuse started. Thanks again for the advice.

[aloneinaz]

Great advice. I'm 3 weeks since the breakup, and 11 days NC, and I really needed to read this, especially today. It's my bday, and I'm struggling a bit. But I'm gonna try and focus on the negatives about him and our relationship, because the bad definitely outweighed the good. It certainly was a toxic relationship before the physical abuse started. Thanks again for the advice.

 

Physical abuse is a deal breaker for MOST people. I'd hope that makes it that much easier to move on.

 

The question that I think many of us have (including me) is why we stayed in toxic, dysfunctional relationships in the first place. I know in my heart of hearts that I should of left my ex a long time ago. I just couldn't do it because I didn't want to be single again and go thru all the BS that entails. We also should take our single time to do some self reflecting on what makes us attracted to these types of people in the first place.

[andilyn1]

Physical abuse was an immediate deal breaker. The second it happened I packed my stuff up and left that weekend. I'm finding it really hard to move on though because I'm left with all the questions now as to why the man who loved me choose to physically injure me. I'm not saying I was perfect in our relationship, but I certainly put a lot of effort into our relationship. I cared for him, loved him, supported him in good times and in bad, but in the end he chose to abuse me. I don't understand. Maybe I'm not meant to understand. All I know is remaining single right now is what I need to do. I have some major healing to do, and some serious trust issues with men now.

[aloneinaz]

Physical abuse was an immediate deal breaker. The second it happened I packed my stuff up and left that weekend. I'm finding it really hard to move on though because I'm left with all the questions now as to why the man who loved me choose to physically injure me. I'm not saying I was perfect in our relationship, but I certainly put a lot of effort into our relationship. I cared for him, loved him, supported him in good times and in bad, but in the end he chose to abuse me. I don't understand. Maybe I'm not meant to understand. All I know is remaining single right now is what I need to do. I have some major healing to do, and some serious trust issues with men now.

 

Anyone who hits or strikes the other party is a POS.. Plain and simple. There's just no reason for it. If someone reaches that level of anger, they need to walk away or go away in a car until they cool down. It sounds like you did the right thing in getting out immediately.

 

Don't lose faith in men, it's only a VERY small percent that are that big of dirt bags.

[southbound]

first of all, Happy B'day. Sucks to be having to think about that kind of stuff on your birthday, but try to make the best of it. Totally agree with aloneinaz that that sort of abuse is such a deal breaker, and I hope that does make it easier in some way to stay focused on why you shouldn't be in that relationship.

 

aloneinaz - I think certain positives will allow people to overlook or tolerate a whole lot of negatives. I've gone through enough to know that long term relationships and marriage are about compromise among other things. It is essential. You compromise that they may not be as X as you want, but they are Y, or you have great Z between you. We make our choices and take the good with the bad. But it's a constant re-evaluation in my mind as you each grow and learn about each other and change as the relationship goes on. They put up with something because you bring something else to the table; you tolerate something because some other part of them outweighs it or makes you forget about it. When it works, it's because you're both conscientious about this, communicate about it, and decide to work through it and respect each others wants, needs, and opinions. It's when defensiveness, inflexibility, insecurities, and unwillingness to compromise or make ones self vulnerable come in that problems arise. From what you described earlier and in my last relationship, it sounds like those things played a big part.

 

If she would've ever said or made it clear "I hear you that what I do makes you feel X or I know this tendency in me and I want to improve it for our sake and the relationship"...that would've made a HUGE difference. When one is willing to admit shortcomings and make sincere effort to work on things for THE SAKE OF THE RELATIONSHIP...anything is possible. At least meet me in the middle for chrissakes. Most often though, people and their insecurities get in the way and they're not willing to swallow some pride, throw themselves on the sword, accept some or all responsibility for an obvious wrong, and make things work.

[andilyn1]

I'm trying to not lose faith in men, but I have a feeling it's going to take a very special man to prove me wrong that real men still exist and this person is going to have to be oh so patient with my fears. I'm starting therapy next week for the abuse because I'm definitely struggling with it and all the court stuff with it keeps making me relive that whole night (I chose to press charges). But in time I will be stronger from this whole nightmare.