ggirl32 Posted July 4, 2013 Posted July 4, 2013 Hi everyone, I stumbled upon this forum as I was googling earlier and think this is the proper place for me to vent a little. My ex and I have broken up for almost a year and a half. I went through severe depression after he left me and is still coping with that. A little background: we dated for almost 4 years (lived together for one of those years), last year being LDR because I am away for school and I'll be going home in August. After the breakup, we had kept in touch for the most part until January when I initiated two months of proper NC. Whenever I asked what he thinks about me, he'd say something along the line, "I care about you and I'd like to have you in my life but I cannot offer you more than friendship now. But no one knows about the future." And when we are on the phone, once in awhile, he will use that attention-seeking tone with me like we were dating. Toward the end of our relationship, he was pushing for an open relationship and I kept saying no. Just two months ago he has discovered a MeetUp group for polyamory people and is gung-ho about trying that lifestyle on for size. He's been (very) active on OkCupid looking for dates and I would say he goes out on a first date once or twice a week. I have been supportive and trying to be just a friend but once in awhile, my emotion does get the best of me. We got along fine for two months until a week ago when I could not keep my emotion at bay. I told him that I still have deep feelings for him and despite the fact that I am happy for him that he's enjoying life, it is hurtful to hear him talk about dates and spending time on the phone with others. He has been getting attentions from girls and definitely have gained a lot of confident (cockiness) with his look and charm. That led to an almost two-hour talk two days ago. At first he said that he just wants to be friends and if I cannot do that, maybe it's best we don't talk; however, he hopes that one day when I am ok with being his friend, I'll call him. After more going back and forth, he said, "Ideally, I'd like for you to be one of the girls I'm seeing because I really like you. But since I know you are not interested in that, I'm settling for friendship." He also told me he hasn't have anyone he particular likes at this point and hasn't had any emotional connection at the level that we were. He said he's comfortable with me and once in awhile when he feels lonely and needs someone beside him at night, he'd cuddle his pillow and pretends it was me lol I don't know how I feel about all this. I have tried to go on dates myself for the past year but I always found myself thinking of him instead. I threw a fit because I felt like he wasn't treating me like a friend nor a date and I am confused by the way he talks to me on the phone (I am usually the one who initiated contact). After he told me that he wants me to be "one of the girls", I called him out for being indecisive (something he said I do) and we decided that we would both think about what we want from each other and talk again. This is not the first time we have had talks like this though it is the first time he said he wants me to be part of his entourage. I am a naturally jealous person and I don't know if I can handle that. Nonetheless, I have no goals in dating now so I thought maybe we can start by rebuilding trust again and see where it goes. I am torn as to what I want to do.
athousandquestions Posted July 4, 2013 Posted July 4, 2013 Why are you initiating any contact? if he wanted to be with you he wouldn't have dumped you. You need to go strict NC for a while. If he really does like you on such a deep level, he will notice and reach out to you. The fact is you guys are not adding up. You want a relationship with him. He does not want just one partner. No matter what you do you cannot change what he wants. You need to leave him alone in order to heal yourself and move forward.
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