GMG Posted July 4, 2013 Posted July 4, 2013 i don't even know where to begin... my husband and i have been together for 4 years married for 1 1/2 years now. he is 35 and i am 26. before i met him he was going through a divorce and had a son with her, his son is now almost 6. i guess i can start by pointing out major flags which started to appear when we moved back to my husbands home town after we got married. all of his old buddies came back into his life and he began drinking, partying, being coked/cracked out and this really flipped my world upside down. issues with his son started to arise because when he had him, i seemed to be the one taking care of him since he would take off till 4 am. the abuse started one night when he came home in a rage because he was high off of something and i was sound asleep in bed until he through an object at me in a rage that someone had stole his truck key! i guess while he was out at his buddies they took his keys away so that he wouldn't drive. he began smashing picture frames and totally destroyed the place in order to find his key that i apparently had stolen. walking out of the bedroom i slipped and fell ontop of glass and had lacerations all over myself, the neighbours had called the cops and i had answered the door in tears and covered in blood, my husband spent the night in jail that evening and the cops took a statement and charged him with physical domestic assault. he was put on an order not to return to our home and he stayed at his mothers until i got the order lifted because his son had no place to stay because his mother was leaving town. the order was lifted and he denied and/or didn't remember doing anything at all, this happened when he mixed booze and hard drugs together, it had the affect has a complete mind wipe. he promised not to drink and he was going to go through intensive counselling. this never happened, his job took over his life and i would never see him, he worked days/evenings/nights, 18 hour shifts and i was left on the back burner (this was last summer leading in the fall). For thanksgiving we went to my parents house back where i used to live and had a huge gathering with family and friends, we decided to go to a small gathering after to my bestfriends place, this is where **** went bad again.... he was drunk and in a rage that my mother was giving him "dirty" looks, he plopped his wedding ring into my wine glass and said "we're done bitch", out of shock and horror my best friend told him to leave and never come back, he stole my shoes and jacket so i could not walk home and apparently went to my parents house and caused a riot infront of my grandmother. my mother booted him onto the sidewalk and told him he is no longer welcome in her home. my husband exclaimed that his phone, wallet and car keys were missing, that someone must have took them! when i got back to the house after borrowing some clothes my husband was sleeping on the couch in the living room and my mom told me what had transpired since he had been there. He woke up in a rage telling me that my mother had stole his phone,wallet and car key..... he told me that we were holding him hostage in the house. the next morning he didn't remember much except that my mother had stolen his wallet,phone and car key, which he had all found except his car key. He called his mother and sister to come and get him so that he could go home and told me we were still done. i let him go and travelled back to our home to gather my things and move out. i'm still not sure till this day what had happened but either my best friend or my mother had called the police on him because he was arrested when he arrived back home for public mischief as well as stolen property, vandalism and violating his rules on probation to not consume alcohol. So there i was... i moved out and conveniently in with a woman i had worked with, her husband was the staff sargent of police. too make a long story short after my husband attended counselling for a few months we started talking about working things out. i moved back in after he had a very bad accident and things were looking very promising. it wasn't soon before long the drinking and the drugs consumed him again and he decided to take a position out of town which left me along for 10 days and he was back for 4, these 4 days he had his son and would not involve me in their acitivities. he knew things were not good, i told him this and he continued to self destruct. i packed my bags and the things i had brought into our home and called my mother to come and get me. my husband called and called and called, he was still out of town for work and left me messages nonstop about how we needed to talk when he got home, he told me not to leave him and that things would be better, just we needed to talk. i had left on his birthday April 15th 2013 of this year... it broke my heart in half but i could not take any more. After every single fight or argument he would tell me that i had lied and deceived him, that i had him "thrown" in jail... that me and my mother were working against our marriage and conspriing against him.... I left and moved back home. I have missed him dearly and had thought about him often. He called me crying, weeping, screaming that he needed me back, that he just needed to see me to make things right. I had to go back up to work there for a week so i agreed to meet with him. He sat there bold faced and told me he was wrong, for the first time ever he owned up to all of his wrong doings, all of his responsibilities that he needed to own up to. He had been sober for over a month and had showed me he was going to addictions counselling, as well as psychiatrist. i was shocked.... an effort.... all i ever wanted. He told me he would quit his job to be with me, to work together on us and himself. I told him i wasn't ready. i met with him on and off since that day. I accepted a job position 6 hours away and I am planning on moving, he has been sober for 3 months now, but has his moments of the "blame" game... he gets very mean and blames me for abandonment. I am very torn. I still love him dearly and I wish I could be there for him, but I feel his sobriety is something that he has to work on on his own. Am i wrong for thinking this way? I would like nothing more to have a life with this man if only I could know that he would not turn to the life of addiction. I have not cohabitated with him since April 15 and I have been approved for a mortgage to move, my friends are telling me to file for legal separation before buying as he can come after me for half of my property. We did not share any property before as we were renting an apartment. I need to know thoughts please. I am struggling with filing because I don't want to give up yet. I still have hope.
elfman Posted July 4, 2013 Posted July 4, 2013 Hello, sorry to hear of your troubles. After reading your story, even though you say you still love him dearly, the only opinion I can share with you is that this relationship is not going anywhere for you. You are involved with a self-destructive character that has not responded to treatment, and there comes a time when only the jolt of losing someone they care about is the best thing to wake them up. In my opinion you need to move on. Not much more to tell you because the proof of abuse is already there, he was already on probation... this will go on and on and on and in time you will find yourself at 40 years of age with the same **** happening... Be thankful you have options, but also take advantage of those options... Yes, your friends are ABOSOLUTELY right, no matter what you end up doing with him, you have to separate your estates before buying a house, a car or even a washing machine... otherwise you're basically giving him 50% of whatever you buy to hold control over you financially, as he is now holding it emotionally. Take care and good luck! E. 2
yoko Posted July 6, 2013 Posted July 6, 2013 I am so sorry you're going through all of this. It sounds incredibly familiar. The whole time I was reading, I could only think .. "wow, she's only 26, she should leave him and stay gone. She has a chance at a wonderful life, the life she deserves." I'm almost 56 and I've been in this current mess for almost 10 years. We didn't live together all that time, and I was so much better off. It doesn't get better. I know how it feels, believe me. It kills me, makes me nauseous. I go from mad as hell, to sad as sad can be, to depressed, to feeling worthless and back to mad again. There's just no sense in it at all. This is not life. Stay gone. Make yourself happy. Live the life you want to live without fighting for it. The man who will someday really love you will be your best friend and would never, ever think of putting you through half of what he has. Hang in there.
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