imtooconfused Posted July 4, 2013 Posted July 4, 2013 So let me start by saying the question is hypothetical because in reality there will always be secrets you keep from your partner. Having said that, there is the body of thought that the ideal relationship has no secrets between partners. Anything and everything is out in the open. Shared emails/passwords, unlocked cellphones, etc. So if you are of that opinion, does your partner know about your account on LoveShack? Do they know your screenname? Do you know theirs? If you knew they had an account but not the screenname, would you hunt them down? Another hypothetical. Let's say you suspected your partner of something and installed a keylogger on their computer. This keylogger program found evidence of the partner having a LoveShack account that you did not know about. Would you look? I ask because I believe in openness, but still feel that some things should remain private and wonder how this would conflict with a "no secrets" relationship.
MrTurk Posted July 4, 2013 Posted July 4, 2013 (edited) I agree with your entire post....its how my relationships are. And its the only way as far as I'm concerned. I would share my world on here with my woman if I had one. I would think it would enlighten and be a great conversation piece. Anything and everything is out in the open. Shared emails/passwords, unlocked cellphones, etc. This made me laugh....because one day I was watching Montel, or some other talk show....and they were talking about relationships...the guest made the comment "if you truly love your SO, and have nothing to hide....hand them your cell phone right now" The reaction from the crowd was gasps and nervous laughter.....because thats how most people live their lives....with way too many secrets that their SO doesnt know anything about. Edited July 4, 2013 by MrTurk
It-is-what-it-is. Posted July 4, 2013 Posted July 4, 2013 We have a spreadsheet with all websites and passwords. Phones not locked. Share a home computer. Share several emails. This was never discussed, just done. Nothing to hide. I do have membership to places like LS, that I haven't shared, but not that I wouldn't, just that he's not interested in exploring feelings via an anonymous forum...like I am not interested in his Golfing or whatever. I have discussed some of what I read here and would share if he were interested. If someone were not open, I would be suspicious. Now to your question. If I felt the need to install a key logger, then I would be having suspicions about something and would definitely read the postings.
TaraMaiden Posted July 4, 2013 Posted July 4, 2013 does your partner know about your account on LoveShack? Yes. Do they know your screenname? Yes. Do you know theirs? He doesn't have an account on LS, but he does on three other sites, and yes, I know his screen-name(s). If you knew they had an account but not the screenname, would you hunt them down? Irrelevant question. Another hypothetical. Let's say you suspected your partner of something and installed a keylogger on their computer. This keylogger program found evidence of the partner having a LoveShack account that you did not know about. Would you look? Irrelevant question. We share the same computer. I can tell at a glance what my H does. he doesn't hide anything, nor does he need to. besides, he's actually not that tech-savvy.... I don't think, even if the thought arose, that he'd even know how to. I ask because I believe in openness, but still feel that some things should remain private and wonder how this would conflict with a "no secrets" relationship. In my opinion, matters like this remaining 'private', indicate 'embarrassment or shame.
Eternal Sunshine Posted July 4, 2013 Posted July 4, 2013 Yes- my ex knew about LS account and my screen name. He was never interested in it though so I doubt he looked. He also told me that he doesn't mind if I get advice via LS about our relationship problems. In my next relationships I would prefer some privacy.
Emilia Posted July 4, 2013 Posted July 4, 2013 I mentioned LS to guys but they were never interested in it so the conversation didn't go further. 1
Author imtooconfused Posted July 4, 2013 Author Posted July 4, 2013 In my opinion, matters like this remaining 'private', indicate 'embarrassment or shame. I don't disagree with this. Are there not any subjects that you would be embarrassed to talk about with your partner? Are there not things that you would confide to a close family member or same-sex friend that you would not share with your partner? Things shared only with your doctor? I'm not making any judgment calls just wondering. So to extend the discussion of the "no secrets" relationship, is there any space that is off bounds to your partner?
Emilia Posted July 4, 2013 Posted July 4, 2013 I don't disagree with this. Are there not any subjects that you would be embarrassed to talk about with your partner? Are there not things that you would confide to a close family member or same-sex friend that you would not share with your partner? Things shared only with your doctor? I'm not making any judgment calls just wondering. So to extend the discussion of the "no secrets" relationship, is there any space that is off bounds to your partner? You mean too ashamed to talk to my partner but not mind sharing it with hundreds of thousands of people on da internets?
Author imtooconfused Posted July 4, 2013 Author Posted July 4, 2013 You mean too ashamed to talk to my partner but not mind sharing it with hundreds of thousands of people on da internets? Exactly, in an anonymous way. This is not exactly Facebook.
Emilia Posted July 4, 2013 Posted July 4, 2013 Exactly, in an anonymous way. This is not exactly Facebook. I never discuss anything here I wouldn't discuss with people I have on facebook - but then again my friends list is small for a reason. It is true that I wouldn't be able to talk to most of them on the same intellectual level - unlike with some regulars here - but in terms of subject I don't talk about anything that I'm not happy to discuss with friends and acquaintances. Imagine discussing a boyfriend on LS and saying things I wouldn't mention to his face Or talk about my past here but feeling too shameful to talk to him about it. Nope.
therhythm Posted July 4, 2013 Posted July 4, 2013 I don't understand the having to share all passwords, etc... You either trust your partner or you don't ... if you don't then you better finish it already.
sweetkiwi Posted July 4, 2013 Posted July 4, 2013 This isn't hypothetical because there CAN be relationships where there are no secrets (besides surprises). My ex knew about LS and even created an account here. We didn't have secrets. 1
sweetkiwi Posted July 4, 2013 Posted July 4, 2013 I don't understand the having to share all passwords, etc... You either trust your partner or you don't ... if you don't then you better finish it already. My ex gave me his passwords as a show of faith. We met on a kinky site and he wanted to show me he was no longer on it. I never checked because I trusted him. I gave him my passwords too and he only accessed my facebook once to change settings for me. We are no longer together but our passwords are the same. This level of honesty isn't exactly necessary but I would certainly appreciate it. I agree that the trust is either there or it's not. But if someone takes the time to prove it without it being necessary I would trust them much much more. 1
veggirl Posted July 4, 2013 Posted July 4, 2013 one time recently after too many wines I was all like "I need to go on the internet now and talk about relationships!" and he was like "huh?" and Im like "on an internet forum where we talk about relationships! I have like 4,000 posts!!" and I think he just laughed at me. I don't think he'd be interested in LS in general but yes if he knew my username I think he'd read the few threads I've started. If I found out HE was on LS? I would be speechless. I'd hopefully find that out before he knew my username and then I could be like "who do you like better veggirl or *insert someone else*" LOL. but realistically if he ever perused LS he would figure out I'm veggirl if he read just one post cause my personality is the same here as IRL and also...the blatant veg thing He would never ask to see my account or know my username though. I don't think so, anyway. I'd be surprised if he did. 1
salparadise Posted July 4, 2013 Posted July 4, 2013 I think a lot of these notions, such not having any private thoughts, are purely theoretical and not really possible in real life. A lot of people on LS take this stuff to an impractical extreme and try to apply it that way in the solutions they offer to others. There are few absolutes in this life and being unable to acknowledge this is living in a fantasy of sorts. For example, if your lover gets dressed up for an occasion and asks, "how do I look?", the answer is absolutely stunning, regardless of any imperfections you may perceive. A person who always verbalizes every thought that passes between their ears would just be seen as socially inept or worse. Different levels of transparency work for different couples. You have to make good judgements and be realistic based in the reality. Absolutes exist in theory only. 1
Divasu Posted July 4, 2013 Posted July 4, 2013 There is nothing wrong with some personal privacy. Just because you're in a relationship, doesn't mean you aren't an individual. If you're doing something wrong, well, that's an entirely different matter... Having said that, it boils down to personal preference and what works for you as a couple. 2
TaraMaiden Posted July 4, 2013 Posted July 4, 2013 You mean too ashamed to talk to my partner but not mind sharing it with hundreds of thousands of people on da internets? Have a look and see how many threads I've posted 'about me'..... 1
It-is-what-it-is. Posted July 4, 2013 Posted July 4, 2013 So let me start by saying the question is hypothetical because in reality there will always be secrets you keep from your partner. Having said that, there is the body of thought that the ideal relationship has no secrets between partners. Anything and everything is out in the open. Shared emails/passwords, unlocked cellphones, etc. So if you are of that opinion, does your partner know about your account on LoveShack? Do they know your screenname? Do you know theirs? If you knew they had an account but not the screenname, would you hunt them down? Another hypothetical. Let's say you suspected your partner of something and installed a keylogger on their computer. This keylogger program found evidence of the partner having a LoveShack account that you did not know about. Would you look? I ask because I believe in openness, but still feel that some things should remain private and wonder how this would conflict with a "no secrets" relationship. I think that some relationships require additional transparency because of infidelity or other trust based issue(s). Truth, even painful impolite trust seems necessary to rebuild? But for my relationship, I think I do not need to share every little thing, like when i am trimming nose hairs or the size of my underwear. I am sure he farts and picks his nose or whatever and no, I am not interested in a play by play. In fact he always keeps one secret from me...he says he's going to Home Depot but he goes to golfers warehouse. I don't get it but whatever. If he wanted to see my phone, even though right now i believe there is a text calling him an asswipe, or something because he pissed me off about something last week, I would hand it over and discuss anything, although I believe I called him an asswipe to his face so no secret there. As I said before, he's not interested in LS, that's ok too. 1
Author imtooconfused Posted July 5, 2013 Author Posted July 5, 2013 Thanks for the great discussion to everyone who has shared on this thread. I sincerely respect all of the opinions brought forward.
Got it Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 Yes we are very transparent. While we don't have a spreadsheet on everything we are open to giving each other access to whatever they want. We are open with our phones, know the passwords on them, etc. There are some secrets that are work related that we have to protect but outside from that while there may be areas that I might be a little embarrassed about I am fine with him knowing. My previous marriage it never crossed our minds to have access to anything and we lead two very separate lives. I saw the pitfalls with that and don't want to do it again. Because of some FOO issues with secrecy it is a big deal for me to be open and transparent as it is a very vulnerable state so I push even harder for it within myself because of my knee jerk response to not do it. But there are somethings that need to be kept private, bathroom habits, nose hair clipping, etc. A little mystery in those areas is a very good thing.
Els Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 There's a difference between 'no secrets' and "Wow, that schytt I just took was huge! Like, 5 lbs worth of it. It was a funny yellowish color too. Yesterday's was brown."
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