Yourboy83 Posted July 4, 2013 Posted July 4, 2013 Well I'm trying to do the best thing possible in my relationship. I've been with my girlfriend for 8 years and we have a 6 year old daughter. We also have a house. Well we broke up about 2 months ago. We got to comfy in our relationship and fell out of love in a way but the main reason everything came up is because she failed in school and was stressed and she felt like she failed in everything. So as of right now she just wants space to kind of find herself. She's 24 and had my daughter at the age of 16, so she really never had the space she is getting right now. I want her back and want my family back. The first month and half I was trying my hardest to show her I was a better man and I know that wasnt working at all. The last week or two I've been leaving her alone and not texting her or calling her unless it has to do with my daughter. She would text me here and there and if we talk in person I've been very nice to her and try and joke and make her feel good. But she is still very cold to me. I have neer cheated, hit her, disrespect her or anything. It's just she wants her space and wants to find herself and we fell out of love and I just want her back so bad but I know I can't push her. I want to know what's the right thing to do I've try to ask her to take a walk or movies or anything but it hasn't happened. She sometimes when we talk doesn't look me in my eyes either I want to know what's the best thing to do at this point? No contact and don't talk or call her? I still see her at family events here and there, so how should I act a around her? I want to do whatever possible to make this work. I don't see our situation as major as others. We never fought or cheated or any of that.
ggas Posted July 4, 2013 Posted July 4, 2013 Well I was never married nor do I have kids but I can tell you from my experience that as long as you will ask yourself that question YOU WILL NOT GET HER BACK! Listen!!! The best way of getting a partner back, actually THE ONLY WAY of getting a partner back is MOVING ON and WORKING ON YOURSELF! Inquiring about her instead of yourself, you will just add more pressure on her, you will distance her from you and finally she will lose all respect for you. I lost a girl in a similar fashion in the sense that her academic life was not going well and she became dependent on me because of that and at some point all the stress and anxiety eventually made her want to go out of the relationship. This happens because the trap that these people fell into is associating "personal failures" with the relationship and then somehow thinking that the relationship is the cause of all these "failures". It is false of course, but how on earth is she suppose to realize that if you don't give her space. Let her be my friend and you will increase your chances exponentially BUT DO NOT HOPE ON THAT. 1
Author Yourboy83 Posted July 4, 2013 Author Posted July 4, 2013 Good point. It's jut I'm new at this and we never broke up before, so I didn't know how to handle the situation. So the past week or two I just stop texting her and I'm giving her all the space she needs and wants and not bothering her at all. Even if we are at a family event, I guess I'll just back off and leave her alone. Is tht the right approach? Only contact her if it has to do with my daughter?
Author Yourboy83 Posted July 4, 2013 Author Posted July 4, 2013 She also know that I haven't just been sitting around. I've been going to the gym and I never show a down and depressed attitude in font of her like I use too. She's the one that always looks tired and down and never happy. I know she isn't happy at all but there's nothing I can do at this point but to respect what she wants and hopefully one day she will miss me and want our family back. It's not like I can't sit here and apologies for something because like I said before I never cheated or did anything for us to break up.
Nicoleiia Posted July 4, 2013 Posted July 4, 2013 That is the right approach. Just leave her alone and dont pay her any attention. So many exes of mine came back because I disappeared and didn't pay them any attention. So hang in there and use NC or LC.
Author Yourboy83 Posted July 4, 2013 Author Posted July 4, 2013 Since today is the 4th and she is still good friends with Mu family and the wife's, I will see her for the most part all day. So just keep my distance from her then? Don't show her any attention?
ggas Posted July 4, 2013 Posted July 4, 2013 Your BEST OPTION is just act natural. Act the way you acted before meeting her/ falling in love with her and so on. If you act needy or if you play it cool in an artificial way what do you think is gonna happen? She'll lose respect and probably laugh in her head. Just act normal, as far as normal goes. If she says "Hey how are you? How are you feeling?" you should be like "Pretty good. ". Don't give details about how much better you're becoming because it will sound pathetic to her. Do not act in a certain way to get a reaction from her. Just act as if she's not there and if she initiates communication respond politely with a smile but DON'T BE NEEDY or make a stupid needy face. Other than that just enjoy the day and happy 4th. 1
aloneinaz Posted July 4, 2013 Posted July 4, 2013 Don't go to the event. Make her wonder where you are but more importantly, you don't need to see her. If you want a shot at getting her back, she's going to have to see what it's like to NOT see you or talk to you. Disappearing and silence is very effective in getting peoples attention, especially if you'd been frequently contacting them. In some cases, being away from you can make them realize they are happier, so it can go either way.
Author Yourboy83 Posted July 4, 2013 Author Posted July 4, 2013 (edited) Well it's my family's house so I wasn't not just going to show up. I mean it's only one event but I went and I pretty much stayed away from her as hard as it was. She came up to me a couple times but nothing major. She was still pretty much the same. I guess I'll continue this and see we're it goes. Its all I can do. Edited July 4, 2013 by Yourboy83
forgetmenot75 Posted July 4, 2013 Posted July 4, 2013 I'm sorry you're suffering Actually, you don;t know whether she's seeing another guy, right? My advice is to go no contact and move on. I know it's difficult because you want your family back, but you cannot make her to love you.
Author Yourboy83 Posted July 4, 2013 Author Posted July 4, 2013 I don't think she is talking to anyone but who knows. She says she doesn't want to see anyone else, she just wants to find herself and needs some space. I want to do the no contact to heal but also to see if she will miss me, because it seems like there is nothing else I really can do at this point. I can force her to love or want to be with me.
forgetmenot75 Posted July 4, 2013 Posted July 4, 2013 "I can force her to love or want to be with me." I think you wanted to say 'I Can't"... That's correct, you just can't. your only choice is to go no contact. She may miss you, or she may not miss you at all, who knows. What do we know is that it's your only choice right now, your best choice.
Author Yourboy83 Posted July 4, 2013 Author Posted July 4, 2013 Sorry, yes I meant to put can't but your right. This is like flipping a coin. We don't know what side it's going to land on but I want to do what's best and what might help. I don't want to make the situation any worse
Author Yourboy83 Posted July 5, 2013 Author Posted July 5, 2013 So I think it did a good job today by not showing her any attention at all. It really didn't seem like she gave a **** if I was there or not. While everyone was with their couples, I was with my daughter and she was sitting on her phone. It hurt so bad to not hold her.
OJ loved Nicole Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 If someone does not know who they are, want they want or what love is... You can't tell them who they are, what they want and make them understand what love is. The main thing here is: be yourself and doing what YOU want 100% of the time. 1.) You don't try to convince/manipulate someone to be with you. By acting differently towards her to regain her interest, this is exactly what you're doing. 2.) You don't want to be with/pursue someone who is so so/wishy washy about you. You deserve someone who wants you for YOU. I tell my GF all the time: "I will love you until you stop loving me..... then I'm dating strippers". If a woman stops loving you/wanting to be with you SHE NO LONGER DESERVES YOUR LOVE/TIME/AFFECTION. Given ^^that^^, from this day forth you live your life for you and your kid ONLY. So..... If you want to be nice/mean/talkative/quiet etc. around her do it!! Do what you want, what makes you happy. You can't base decisions/actions on a person who doesn't want to be with you/doesn't deserve your time.
jadedjay Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 I think thats one of the hardest things to do, is to not have any contact with someone for x amount of days and hope that they have some epiphany. I'm going through that right now and I fear that if I don't make any contact that he will forget about me...out of sight out of mind or does absence really make the heart grow fonder?
Author Yourboy83 Posted July 5, 2013 Author Posted July 5, 2013 I understand what your saying oj. It's like if she doesn't want me, then why should I bother but at the same time I'm going to continue to do me and better myself and at the same time try to do what's best and be patient and see if things change. I'm in no rush to find someone else so no reason for me to throw up the white flag. I want my family back and I guess I just have to see how this all plays out. But your right oj. Jaded that's why's scary and that's what runs thru my head too.
Author Yourboy83 Posted July 6, 2013 Author Posted July 6, 2013 So today I had my daughter and I was at my parents house. She texted me to see if she could come over my parents house so i said ok. I kind of stayed away and for the most part she was talking to my mom. I went inside and we talked for a bit before she left (about nothing special) but one weird thing that happened and im trying to make sense of it... I was leaning over on the kitchen table and she went into the fridge to get some ice cream and she walked behind me and kissed my shoulder... Ummmm? I didn't react or say anything I just kept on doing what I was doing..but what could of that meant?
jadedjay Posted July 6, 2013 Posted July 6, 2013 So today I had my daughter and I was at my parents house. She texted me to see if she could come over my parents house so i said ok. I kind of stayed away and for the most part she was talking to my mom. I went inside and we talked for a bit before she left (about nothing special) but one weird thing that happened and im trying to make sense of it... I was leaning over on the kitchen table and she went into the fridge to get some ice cream and she walked behind me and kissed my shoulder... Ummmm? I didn't react or say anything I just kept on doing what I was doing..but what could of that meant? Shes totally missing you. Why else would she do something like that? Just keep doing what youre doing and wait for her to initiate the conversation! How are you feeling after that?
Author Yourboy83 Posted July 6, 2013 Author Posted July 6, 2013 I don't know. I really don't feel any different because its up and downs with her and until something major happens, then I have no choice but to stay calm and continue what I'm doing. I don't want to put my hopes up at all. But it was still very weird why she would do that. But ill continue to not text or call her and worry about my daughter.
na49 Posted July 6, 2013 Posted July 6, 2013 There's no "system" for getting her back. It is actually as simple as if she ever feels like she made a mistake, she'll let you know. and if she never does, then you guys won't be getting back together. but won't it be nice to work on yourself now? So whether she comes back or not, you'll be improving yourself?
Author Yourboy83 Posted July 6, 2013 Author Posted July 6, 2013 Yes I agree and that's what I've been doing. Trying to find a better job and going to the gym everyday. Lost 30 pounds and put on muscle. Bought myself some new clothes and sneakers and I feel so much better about myself. So its not like I've just been sitting around.
Author Yourboy83 Posted July 6, 2013 Author Posted July 6, 2013 But this morning I had to kind of speak up and let her know how I felt. She had my daughter sleep over her moms house. Now I was ok with that but I came to find out that her mother wasn't even home and she left her with her brother (that just spent a year and half in jail for drugs). ... Ummmm. What is she thinking? I told her that she is being very irresponsible and if she wanted to go out and do whatever that she should have left her with me. I told her that all I care about is the well being of my daughter and she can't continue to keep **** from me and that's one reason why we are in this position (lack of communication). God forbid anything was to happen I think I need to know where and who my daughter is staying at and I should be the one watching and taking care of her if she just wants to give her away to go out and do god knows what. It just pissed me off and I had to speak up because for 3 months I've been nice to her and this is the first time I've said something. She needed a little wake up call. I didn't scream or yell but I was pissed.
aloneinaz Posted July 6, 2013 Posted July 6, 2013 I think you did the right thing speaking up. I also think you're doing great in losing 30lbs and getting in shape. My only hope is you're not missing any opportunities to go out with the opposite sex. She dumped you and you're single. Why not also get involved with some girls vs. sitting and waiting for her to come back or not? This might be all she needs to wake up and recognize she might lose you if she knows you dating again or even better, seeing a new girl regularly.
Author Yourboy83 Posted July 6, 2013 Author Posted July 6, 2013 Ya I know what you mean. I have plenty of female friends but I'm just not ready for that and the last thing I'm thinking right now. I guess I'm just a different kind of guy that just wants her and my family back. Lol I'm trying my damn best!! Lol
Recommended Posts