Carolyn Posted October 19, 2004 Posted October 19, 2004 Hiya all I'm new here and new to forums and could do with some advice. Thanks in advance for all advice recieved. I posted this on another board and didn't get much of a response......nor much sympathy for the situation, but didn't expect to. Seems the 'other woman' (which I am kind of), can't have feelings and is a 'rotten to the core' kind of person Anyway........ Recently I've exchanged a few messages with an old ex boyfriend from my past. This guy was my 'first love' and he traced me through an equivilant of Classmates.com!! Brief history of 'our' relationship. This is a guy I met when he was only 18 and I was 19!! We had an on-off relationship for 10 long years and at one point were engaged to be married! I broke off our relationship because there were no signs of committment towards marriage on his part and we both went our seperate ways. He ended up marrying someone else (I suspect because she trapped him by getting herself pregnant!!!!!!!!!) and so he did the decent thing and married her. However and a few months after he married her, I'd bumped into him and he told me that he'd always love me, how he still wished he could be with me, how it was me he really wanted.....etc, etc. Because he was married, I told him that it was out of the question......even though I still loved this guy deeply!! I moved on, met someone else, got married and then moved away.......... These days I am single........my marriage of 8 years did not work out and we seperated a year ago!! This guy however, is still married and has three kids.....but I feel that perhaps all of these years he has still carried a burning torch for me, else why would he have gone to the trouble of tracing me through a website?? Thing is, I still feel exactly about him now, as I did all those years ago This guy was the 'love of my life' and I've never met any other guy that even comes close to the guy he was! I loved him with all of my being and would have gone to the ends of the earth for him....... He has recently asked me if I would meet up with him and I'm not sure what to do? My head tells me 'NO' because I could really do without the hassles of being involved with a married guy and I know that if I did go and meet him, an affair would result!!! I suspect it's an affair he is after and not just friendship!But the temptation to go and meet him is 'GREAT'!! I think part of the temptation to see him, lies in the fact that I'm curious about him. Is he still 'cute'? Does he still possess that 'great sense of humour', etc, etc. All kinds of things are running through my head.....plus I still carry a burning torch for him. I'm not sure what to do
tiki Posted October 19, 2004 Posted October 19, 2004 Leave him alone. Run like hell. It's a losing battle. Only date this man if he has divorced his wife. He owes it to her to atleast do that (and to you). Or he'd do the same to you. Believe me, someone else can always come along who was always better. Find a single man that can give you all the attention, love and affection you need. This man is nothing but heartache. And scum if he'd do his wife this way. You'd only be forever waiting patiently in line to be done the same way. Sleep at night knowing you could've but you didn't. He's less of a man, I don't care who's carrying a torch for who.
Fran_H Posted October 19, 2004 Posted October 19, 2004 Wise words Tiki. You have a choice to make Carolyn. I hope for your sake you make the right one. Its really not worth it you know, you won't get what you want. All you will get is a whole load of heartache and rejection if you pursue this man.
Author Carolyn Posted October 19, 2004 Author Posted October 19, 2004 Originally posted by Fran_H Wise words Tiki. You have a choice to make Carolyn. I hope for your sake you make the right one. Its really not worth it you know, you won't get what you want. All you will get is a whole load of heartache and rejection if you pursue this man. Hi Fran, I'm from the UK too btw I'm not pursuing him, it's him doing all of the pursuing. I keep putting off meeting him because I do know that I'd be doing the wrong thing if I did and I know that I would be letting myself in for heartache......I think?? I just find it strange that he would contact 'me' after all of these years. If he's after a 'bit on the side', then he could get that with anybody. I dunno, I'm thinking that perhaps he still loves me......am I stupid in thinking that?
Author Carolyn Posted October 19, 2004 Author Posted October 19, 2004 Originally posted by tikibrandy Leave him alone. Run like hell. It's a losing battle. Only date this man if he has divorced his wife. This is what I don't understand. Why don't they divorce if they are unhappy in their marriages and want to have affairs??? I can't for the life of me understand that part!! Thanks for the advice anyway, I'm taking it all on board
williams Posted October 19, 2004 Posted October 19, 2004 I understand-I am in the situation of not knowing what to do with my marriage, but sometimes I think it is the fear of starting over again and if one knows that they still can have healthy relationships they may consider knowing that its ok to move on. any advice on my post would be appreciated.
sami Posted October 19, 2004 Posted October 19, 2004 This not not going anywhere with both of you . Just go your own way and leave that man alone for his wife. You will soon find someone who will love and treat you with the respect and dignity you deserve. Good luck.
Author Carolyn Posted October 19, 2004 Author Posted October 19, 2004 Originally posted by williams I understand-I am in the situation of not knowing what to do with my marriage........ I'm kinda thinking that perhaps this is the posistion in which the MM in my sitch is. Is their marriage something he's wanting out of...........and he's turning to me to escape it, an ex girlfriend, who he did have deep feelings for, likewise I with him and with whom there was an attraction for him....... ......but sometimes I think it is the fear of starting over again and if one knows that they still can have healthy relationships they may consider knowing that its ok to move on. any advice on my post would be appreciated. Well I and MM in my sitch have had a relationship before that lasted 10 years. So it's not kinda like I am contemplating jumping into an affair with a MM I don't know and who I've just met and likewise for MM too!! He knows what he would be getting with me.......I know what I'd be getting with him.
Sukotto Posted October 19, 2004 Posted October 19, 2004 I want to play the devils advocate! I say go meet him, I'm sure it will make you feel better and I expect it will be a good ego boost to see that someone is still interested in you after all this time. Though set rules, dont meet at your house or a hotel. Somewhere nice and public and make your own way there so you can escape at the end. If you remove temptation then nothing will happen. If he doesn't want anything romantic then you'll have just gained a new male friend.
Fran_H Posted October 19, 2004 Posted October 19, 2004 Originally posted by Carolyn Hi Fran, I'm from the UK too btw I'm not pursuing him, it's him doing all of the pursuing. I keep putting off meeting him because I do know that I'd be doing the wrong thing if I did and I know that I would be letting myself in for heartache......I think?? I just find it strange that he would contact 'me' after all of these years. If he's after a 'bit on the side', then he could get that with anybody. I dunno, I'm thinking that perhaps he still loves me......am I stupid in thinking that? Yes you are pursuing him! You should not even be talking to this man because you know you have the hots for him, and he is married. Ask yourself a couple of questions... Can you handle being in love with someone who sleeps with another woman? Do you really feel this strongly about him, or are you just flattered that he 'still holds a torch' for you? I don't think you are still in love with him, I think perhaps you are in love with the idea of still being in love with him. If this man gets his claws into you you will be putty in his hands. If you do fall in love with him you will have many months or years of misery ahead of you as his mistress. Trust me on this one Carolyn - blank him!
Author Carolyn Posted October 19, 2004 Author Posted October 19, 2004 Originally posted by Sukotto I want to play the devils advocate! LOL! I say go meet him, I'm sure it will make you feel better and I expect it will be a good ego boost to see that someone is still interested in you after all this time. If this was some guy from the past that I'd only been involved with for a short while and he was an MM, I would definitely not go and meet him. The fact that I spent 10 years of my life with this MM, is what is luring towards him. At one time he was 'best friend', 'my lover', 'my confidante', etc, etc..........we were close, really close and I still feel a close affinity to him because I spent a chunk of my life with him. I'm pretty curious about him as you can probably imagine? If he wasn't married, I'd have jumped at the chance to see him again...........it's the married bit putting me off and the fact that if I go to see him as a friend..........I might not be able to resist him if he wanted to pick up where we left off Though set rules, dont meet at your house or a hotel. Somewhere nice and public and make your own way there so you can escape at the end. If you remove temptation then nothing will happen. Good idea.........but after meeting him as a friend, I might be tempted to give in to a second meeting, somewhere temptation might rear its head If he doesn't want anything romantic then you'll have just gained a new male friend. If I thought he didn't want anything romantic, I'd meet him no problems. I suspect that because he's gone out of his way to contact me through a website, he's after more than friendship and perhaps is wanting to pick up where we left off.
Author Carolyn Posted October 19, 2004 Author Posted October 19, 2004 Originally posted by Fran_H Can you handle being in love with someone who sleeps with another woman? In all honesty, no. Do you really feel this strongly about him, or are you just flattered that he 'still holds a torch' for you? I've never stopped loving him I don't think you are still in love with him, I think perhaps you are in love with the idea of still being in love with him. You hit the nail on the head. The person who I still carry this torch for, was the guy I knew all those years ago. It is the guy from all those years back, I'm still in love with! He won't be that same person now that I fell in love with, likewise I am not the same woman he fell in love with either. I'm imagining him the way he was and not as he is now If this man gets his claws into you you will be putty in his hands. If you do fall in love with him you will have many months or years of misery ahead of you as his mistress. Exactly and this is something I don't want to happen:( Trust me on this one Carolyn - blank him! It's gonna be hard, but I will try my hardest too Thanks for the advice btw!!
MMBastard Posted October 20, 2004 Posted October 20, 2004 You know this guy....you spent 10 years with him....you should know him REALLY well. If this is something you really want to pursue (do you?) have a really open conversation(s) with him.....see where he stands....what his feelings on marriage are, is he really ready to get out of it.....what his concerns are.....you will also be able to judge whetherthis in fact is love or illusion based on past feelings. Don't allow yourself to get really emotional or physical with him....feel him out. Good luck
Author Carolyn Posted October 20, 2004 Author Posted October 20, 2004 Originally posted by MMBastard You know this guy....you spent 10 years with him....you should know him REALLY well. Yeah, I do know him and 'really well'. As I said previously, it's not like he's some MM that I've only just met and whom I know absolutely nothing about.........he's not a MM that's taken a quick glance at me and suddenly decided he has the hots for me. He's now a MM I've had a long relationship with in the past and our relationship began long before he ever married/or met his present wife!!!. I know the guy inside out, as he does me. If this had been any other kind of MM, I'd have ran like hell!! IMO, he only married this other woman because she was pregnant! After a few months into their marriage, I honestly think that marrying her was something he'd come to regret, because he began pursuing me again, shortly after they married. It seemed that he still wasn't able to let me go I was pretty peeved back then that he did marry her, was angry with him........and so I spurned him! Told him that he was a 'married guy' now and that made things very different! I know that he did miss me, that he still carried a lot of feelings for me........else he'd have settled down into married life happily with his wife and forgotten about me! His pursuing stopped when I met someone else, got married and moved away! Years have passed, I've heard nothing at all from him, (he's probably had no clue where I moved to, since I left).........then he's found me again on a website and so he's began pursuing me again. He first signed up with this website in October 2003, I'd signed up in Sept 2002!!!! It took me a year since he signed up, to log back in and find his mail!!! It's not a website that I often log into you see. If this is something you really want to pursue (do you?) have a really open conversation(s) with him.....see where he stands....what his feelings on marriage are, is he really ready to get out of it.....what his concerns are.....you will also be able to judge whether this in fact is love or illusion based on past feelings. Don't allow yourself to get really emotional or physical with him....feel him out. Good luck This is what I've been thinking actually. I guess I could go and meet him and try and suss him out, without becoming involved in any way! But rather than meet him, I was thinking of perhaps putting him off a while longer, exchanging a few more emails firstly and try to suss out what his intentions are in those. Either way I could let him know that so long as he's married, then he can forget all about me or an 'us'........and see what transpires from that I guess. It could be that he's still living in an 'illusion' of the past. Maybe he's having a 'mid life' crisis or something???? I'll keep this thread updated anyway and let you know what transpires! Thanks for the advice!
SadAndLonely Posted October 20, 2004 Posted October 20, 2004 If he only married her because she got pregnant, then why do they have two more children (unless the first pregnancy resulted in triplets, which I doubt)? He didn't HAVE to marry her, he didn't HAVE to keep having sex with her (because I also really doubt that they're only had sex three times and all three times resulted in pregnancies), and he doesn't HAVE to stay with her now. I was raised in a one-parent home and I did just fine. Also, he wouldn't marry you but he had no problems marrying her? And now he wants to meet up with you even though he's married? Regardless of whether or not he's in love with you, he doesn't show a hell of a lot of respect for his wife, and that should be a HUGE red flag. I think you should run like hell and find someone who's emotionally and physically available.
Author Carolyn Posted October 20, 2004 Author Posted October 20, 2004 Originally posted by SadAndLonely If he only married her because she got pregnant, then why do they have two more children (unless the first pregnancy resulted in triplets, which I doubt)? I should've pointed out, that two of those three kids aren't his. They belong to her and are from a previous relationship. He only has one biological child with her.... Regardless though, I'm not stupid enough to think that he's only had sex with her once! He didn't HAVE to marry her, he didn't HAVE to keep having sex with her (because I also really doubt that they're only had sex three times and all three times resulted in pregnancies), and he doesn't HAVE to stay with her now. I was raised in a one-parent home and I did just fine. No, he didn't have to marry her. But I would imagine that lots and lots of people get married and they later perhaps have regrets in their choice of partner or realise that they don't really love them as much as they thought they did, or they are not as compatible as once assumed. These two in question married pretty quick and within a year of meeting each other btw!!! Within the first 16 months of any relationship, couples are still very much in the *honeymoon* period. Seems his *honeymoon* period wore off quite quickly.....as he was pursuing me again two months after they married and after their child had been born. Surely a new wife, a new baby should have fulfilled him and made him happy if that is what he truly wanted.........obviously not. I agree, no, he doesn't have to stay with her. But some marriages do grow stale and you get stuck in a rut, take each other for granted and you tend to hang on in that marriage for fear of change! A lot of people will stick with their home comforts, no matter how uncomfortable a situation has become and perhaps at least, until something better comes along.... A lot will remain for the sake of the kids. I wasn't in a very good marriage........I only stayed with him for our child, else I'd have ran out of that marriage like a hare rabbit!!! I've been married myself......so been there, done that and worn the t-shirt!! Also, he wouldn't marry you but he had no problems marrying her? And now he wants to meet up with you even though he's married? Regardless of whether or not he's in love with you, he doesn't show a hell of a lot of respect for his wife, and that should be a HUGE red flag. I didn't get pregnant, else it may have been me he married. I wasn't looking to trap him........this woman was - I know her and of her, but she's not a friend!! I assume that you are saying that he married her because perhaps he loved her more? Perhaps he was still in the 'infatuation' stage when he married her.....obviously was given that they married in such a short time. Like I keep saying, it didn't take him long after they were married, to come seeking me out again..... I think you should run like hell and find someone who's emotionally and physically available. Yeah, you are correct of course! Good news is, is that while I've been posting and reading through all of the threads here, I havn't mailed him for two days.........he'll be wondering where I am......LOL!!!
SadAndLonely Posted October 20, 2004 Posted October 20, 2004 Good, keep reading here, then. Unfortunately, even with the things you've included, I still don't think you should contact him. As you said, the "honeymoon" phase doesn't last. How do you know that things will still be great after the honeymoon phase with him is over? Granted, you've known him for a long time, but not in a stable, solid romantic relationship. If he married her just because she "trapped" him (and by the way, I don't think any man can be "trapped", because I believe any man can either 1) abstain from sex or 2) use a condom), then there shouldn't have been any honeymoon period between them to begin with. I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but I think it would be easier for you to get out of this now rather than six months from now when you're deeply in love and have invested too much of yourself. If you must contact him, email him and tell him you don't think it's appropriate to have this kind of contact with a married man, and should his status ever change (i.e. his divorce is FINAL), that you'd be happy to get back in touch with him.
Author Carolyn Posted October 20, 2004 Author Posted October 20, 2004 Originally posted by SadAndLonely Good, keep reading here, then. Unfortunately, even with the things you've included, I still don't think you should contact him. As you said, the "honeymoon" phase doesn't last. How do you know that things will still be great after the honeymoon phase with him is over? Granted, you've known him for a long time, but not in a stable, solid romantic relationship. Woooah, of course I have been in a romantic, stable relationship with him!! Are you suggesting that unmarried couples cannot form nor have romantic, stable relationships, that only those who are 'married' can??? I was with this guy for 10 YEARS!!! I was his fiance at one time, we lived together and we outlasted the *honeymoon period* by a lot of years! He certainly wasn't chasing other women around, a few months into 'our' relationship - as he began chasing me around a few months into his relationship with her! You gotta admit that this guy doesn't seem happy!! However, he won't solve his problems by introducing a third party. He's gotta sort that out himself and with his wife. If he married her just because she "trapped" him (and by the way, I don't think any man can be "trapped", because I believe any man can either 1) abstain from sex or 2) use a condom), then there shouldn't have been any honeymoon period between them to begin with. I didn't understand the last sentence btw. Some men will do the decent thing and marry a pregnant girlfriend. And a girlfriend can easily trap her boyfriend to become her husband, if she's claimed to be taking birth control and she's not!! The excuse is usually 'it must have failed'. If any man gains the word of a woman that she is using birth control, then the woman is usually believed.........therefore no condom necessary, unless he's a guy concerned about STD's. I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but I think it would be easier for you to get out of this now rather than six months from now when you're deeply in love and have invested too much of yourself. If you must contact him, email him and tell him you don't think it's appropriate to have this kind of contact with a married man, and should his status ever change (i.e. his divorce is FINAL), that you'd be happy to get back in touch with him. Yep, well I've thought of that too. E-mailing him and saying the very thing you mention, that if his status ever change, then feel free to contact me. That's kinda what I did years ago and after he got married......my very words were: "You are a married man now, that changes things"?? But I'm thinking that because and after all of these years he's contacted me 'out of the blue'.......(I mean, why me????), that perhaps he's never really lost his feelings for me. That for years he's been looking for me, yet couldn't find me?? That he's stuck in this unhappy marriage and he's looking at me to set him free.......I dunno Who knows what would have happened if I hadn't met someone else and moved away shortly afterwards. He might not have remained with the wife for as long as he has, we might have got back together - who knows?? All I know is he has found me after all this time after not knowing where I was and he's now pursuing. Wish I'd never logged into that bloody website to be honest.
SadAndLonely Posted October 20, 2004 Posted October 20, 2004 Well, you're bound and determined to make excuses for him, so do what you want to do. And no, a man CANNOT be trapped. If he's not willing to have a child with someone, then he has either two choices 1) abstain or 2) wear a condom. A woman can lie about birth control, but she can't lie about a condom. If a man isn't willing to fully protect himself, then that's his own problem. Besides, as I've stated, you don't have to marry someone to be a good father or mother.
VivianLee Posted October 21, 2004 Posted October 21, 2004 I know this guy that was in love with this girl. He was 15 and she was 16. They went to highschool together, starting going out, eventually they had sex, it was his first time.... The guy's family moved about a 1,000 miles away so they were forced to break up. She starting dating and got pregnant and got married. However, they would still talk now and then and she'd send him letters. He dates various girls for the next 3 years and got engaged at the age of 18 and married at 19. During his engagement to this girl, he still talked to the other girl. After he was married, he still kept in contact, his wife became pregnant three months into the marriage and for the next 2 years, he continued to stay in contact. Then he got a job where he couldn't call the ex gf from work. So he stopped all contact. 10 years later, the ex gf found him via a website and e-mailed him. He e-mailed back and in the next 2 years, they started talking again. During this time he was still married to the same woman and she was on her third marriage and had 4 kids. They found a way to meet (even though they were still miles apart) and when they meet, they slept together. A few months later they were able to meet again and spent a few days (and nights) together. He told his wife about the affair and moved out. He wanted to marry this ex gf!! She left her hubby too! He and this ex had a flame "burning" for each other all these years. They felt it had to be true love!! She was unhappy in all her marriages because they weren't HIM and he was unhappy in his because he never got over her. It was things a storybook is made of!! After he moved out of the house, he maintained a friendship with his wife. As he had more time to talk to ex gf and spend more time. With both of them having plenty of time for one another, they started to noticed their differences and how incapatible they were as a couple that would be living together. Things just weren't as romantic for them, especially the husband since the wife didn't seem so bad once he left. In fact, he'd built 15 years of marriage with the wife and shared the moment of the birth of their child. He had a history with the wife that the girlfriend could never have. Plus they both found out their ideal thoughts about each other were just that....ideal thoughts.... In the end.....MY husband stayed with me by choice and never looked back. His ex gf's hubby (who was very wealthy) didn't accept her back and she was single, with 4 kids and broke...... The saying that the "grass LOOKS greener on the other side" is a true statement...pay attention to the part of LOOKS!! Plus, if you break up this marriage.....it will come back to haunt you one way or another.... Don't do this to his wife, his kids and yourself... By the way, my husband told his gf that his marriage was sooooo terrible....it wasn't!! People will lie to get sympathy or what they want.....
Author Carolyn Posted October 21, 2004 Author Posted October 21, 2004 WOW, thanks for sharing that VivianLee! Similar sitch sort of, but kinda different in the fact that I was actually with this guy a whole 10 years, was engaged to this man, I lived with this man and this man has pursued and found me through a website. I didn't go looking for him. That kinda places my ex, in the same posistion that your H's ex girlfriend was...........and I in the place of your H (cept I'm no longer married, your H was) Your H's and ex girlfriends 'illusions' and 'the big fantasy' shattered it seems, when your H left you for his ex-girlfriend and 'real and everyday' life set in. They'd never experienced being together 'full time' up until that point, found they had little in common.....your H came to the realisation that she wasn't who he wanted after all. Difference is, me and the ex have 'experienced' real and everyday normal life together, unlike your H and his ex had. I keep on saying that we know each other inside out.......know each others shortcomings, faults, moods, bad habits, etc, etc....... It's not some 'fantasy' that either of us would be stepping into. The 'fantasy' phase of our relationship has been over for years.........yet he's still come pursuing me knowing full well what he is pursuing and knowing full well what he'd be getting!
VivianLee Posted October 22, 2004 Posted October 22, 2004 Originally posted by Carolyn WOW, thanks for sharing that VivianLee! Similar sitch sort of, but kinda different in the fact that I was actually with this guy a whole 10 years, was engaged to this man, I lived with this man and this man has pursued and found me through a website. I didn't go looking for him. That kinda places my ex, in the same posistion that your H's ex girlfriend was...........and I in the place of your H (cept I'm no longer married, your H was) Your H's and ex girlfriends 'illusions' and 'the big fantasy' shattered it seems, when your H left you for his ex-girlfriend and 'real and everyday' life set in. They'd never experienced being together 'full time' up until that point, found they had little in common.....your H came to the realisation that she wasn't who he wanted after all. Difference is, me and the ex have 'experienced' real and everyday normal life together, unlike your H and his ex had. I keep on saying that we know each other inside out.......know each others shortcomings, faults, moods, bad habits, etc, etc....... It's not some 'fantasy' that either of us would be stepping into. The 'fantasy' phase of our relationship has been over for years.........yet he's still come pursuing me knowing full well what he is pursuing and knowing full well what he'd be getting! Carolyn, Yes there is a big difference as far as they weren't "together" as long as you and this guy was however, it's been almost 10 years since you've been in a relationship with this guy, from what I can tell by the timeline, you are about 20 years older than you were when you got together (if I've done my math correctly...thats a big IF!!). He's been married all that time and you were for a good bit of it too. Y'all have to have changed a good bit in 10 years, everyone does. We grow as a person, mature AND get set in our ways....there is some reason you had the turbulent relationship with this guy and would never commit to marrying him...maybe you should also remember the BAD times as well as the good, it could put things in perspective. I'd just hate to see a marriage broken up and I'd hate to see y'all in the OM and OW roles...it can be prevented.
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