Can it ever be better than before and how long before you felt normal with WS?

[Queen of Sheba]

One hears that after an affair the WS and BS relationship can be better than ever once healed. Really? I hear it, I read it but not read of one person who actually gives evidence for this! Anyone been through the whole thing and now say their marriage is better than before the affair?

 

How long since d day did it take before you felt that it was ok you weren't going to split? Length of affair what was involved I am assuming would play a part in that?

[Sadwife37]

My H's A lasted a total of 3 years. It started very gradually. They were work friends, started emailing and calling each other at work, friendship turned flirty, was about 2 years before it became sexual or physical in any way. For 2 months they left work and would meet at her home and have sex. After the 2 months they decided this was not what they wanted and should have never crossed the physical line. They went back to being flirty friends. This continued for another 8-10 months before I found out.

 

D Day was 20 months ago. It took about 16-18 months before I felt confident that we were going to make it.

 

Today in many ways our relationship is better than before. Certainly better than the 3 years when I could feel he was being distant, dishonest, etc.

 

We communicate far better. Our intimacy is far better. We are far more affectionate and loving. My H is open and honest and fully transparent. I feel that he is an open book now. He has no stress. He is happy with life. For many years I certainly felt not fulfilled or truly happy. I would wonder "is this really it?" But I never would have left before his A was out. I married forever. I tried to fix us. I tried to make us happier and more connected. But I just couldn't. He had tuned out. Now I know of so many issues he had. They effected everything. He was depressed, unhappy, tuned out, not connected with his life at all. He is a different man today. He is happy and fulfilled and connected.

 

Others would have said we were great. But I didn't feel we were great. I always felt like something was missing.

 

Today I don't feel like anything is missing. My H has dealt with his issues and our marriage is far better.

 

I still struggle. I was betrayed and lied to. I may always have doubts about his honesty and fear what may happen. But in many ways we are better. Outside of the A, and my thoughts and fears and sadness from that, our relationship is what I thought a relationship should be. I truly believe my H is happier now than he ever was. I wish we could have gotten here without him having the A. I wish he could have known how to address his issues. I wish I had know what to do. I wish it didn't take hitting rock bottom and almost losing our family to put the effort and work into this that was needed. But I do believe that we are going to successfully R, And be happier together for the rest of our lives than we would have been if we had stayed the way we always were, before the A.

[Confused48]

I'm only a bit less that a year from Dday. But right away our M improved. WS stopped being able to blame me for every thing wrong in WS life. WS started wanting to be a better person. At first just as good as before the A but later much more. Our M improved constantly and continues to.

 

Still the pain is so bad that I often think I'd rather have the not so great M back than live through the A and then the recon. I don't care how great a M we end up with I doubt I'll ever say I'm better off bc of the A. I want my old life back. As defective as it was this is to painful.

[BetrayedH]

Parts of your marriage can most certainly be better following an affair. Many of them can be better. The problem is that infidelity will be a permanent part of your marital history.

 

Conventional wisdom says that it takes 2-5 years to recover from infidelity and I've found that to be true. How long depends a lot on how much your spouse is doing the heavy lifting in those first few years. Whether your recovery is permanent ultimately will also depend on your ability to forgive. Sadly, the second part cannot come before the first. If you rush to "get over it," or worse, if your wayward spouse rushes you to get over it, it will most assuredly take longer. Fast is slow and slow is fast.