Are you here?

[jnel921]

My parents have been together over 45 years. I remember my dad working 6 days a week. He'd come home, have dinner shower and leave. I didn't realize it until I was much older that he didn't have a second job, he was out having affairs.

 

I remember feeling so angry with my dad and how I was angry at my mom for just turning her cheek to all of this. This went on for many years up until I left home when I was 23. Of course my parents are older now. My dad is 76 and blind and my mom will be 70 and takes care of him full time and she has her own physical issues to deal with. I am really amazed at her willingness to forgive and still be with him and care for him at this age.We have not openly spoken about it. But I am sure she knows that I know.

 

Its ironic how I married 2 different men who would cheat as well. I thank god that I was able to get the IC I needed to help myself. I didn't stay with my first husband but did with my second. The tools I have really helped me the second time around. There will not be a third!

 

I am sure there are lurkers here who are with someone who goes out and hurts them daily and they know full well what they are up to but turn a cheek as well. Do you not want to deal with the drama of divorce? Are you afraid?

 

I am sure you are out there reading this. We want to hear from you. You need most support! Why stay? What are you afraid of.

[JustAReformedGirl]

If it's never been openly discussed, are you sure he was having affairs? Were there any other signs that pointed to this? Particularly anything to do with mother's demeanor, after your father would leave?

 

If there is no questionable doubt that your father had affairs, then your mother truly is a compassionate, forgiving human being to still be with him, after all that hell.

[jnel921]

I have only discussed this with my older brother who is 14 years older than me. He recalls witnessing fights between them. He told me that I was named after one of his lovers unbeknownst to my mother who after giving birth to me wanted to name me something else but my Dad insisted on the name.

 

Too much dirty laundry to get into but honestly, what's really open late at night during workdays other than the legs of a willing woman?

 

I just feel that my mom wasted and still has so many years on someone who I still feel has taken her for granted. He is still very selfish and I dread if ever my mom passes first how I will deal with him.

 

When my first H cheated, I remember him telling me how I should stay out of his affairs and when he wants me again he will come back and that's how it is. I was never so hurt in my life. I couldn't believe this was my dad. Years later he would apologize for that, but it still hurts when I think of it, because it was how he felt at the time. My mom's response was worse. She complained that perhaps I wasn't a great wife and didn't cook or clean enough. Which I obviously though was BS. My image of her as a woman was damaged. Years later she too would apologize for those remarks. I don't know if the apologies were genuine as they both need me now more than ever.

 

I am sure there are folks here who may have grown up in the same situations and may have been judged unfairly by their families. This is why I decided to keep things quiet this time around. I believe we are handling our R well.

 

For those turning the blind eye, I pray for you.

[JustAReformedGirl]

jnel921Iwrote: I have only discussed this with my older brother who is 14 years older than me. He recalls witnessing fights between them. He told me that I was named after one of his lovers unbeknownst to my mother who after giving birth to me wanted to name me something else but my Dad insisted on the name.

 

That is pretty rough. How did your brother come by that information-the origin of your name, I mean?

 

Too much dirty laundry to get into but honestly, what's really open late at

night during workdays other than the legs of a willing woman?

 

Fair point.

 

I just feel that my mom wasted and still has so many years on someone who I still feel has taken her for granted. He is still very selfish and I dread if ever my mom passes first how I will deal with him.

 

If things come to pass in that manner, how you deal with him is up to you.

 

When my first H cheated, I remember him telling me how I should stay out of his affairs and when he wants me again he will come back and that's how it is. I was never so hurt in my life. I couldn't believe this was my dad.

 

That is a pretty despicable piece of advice he gave you; he was clearly tainted by his own lifestyle. Any other father would be enraged that the spouse of their daughter had been unfaithful.

 

 

Years later he would apologize for that, but it still hurts when I think of it, because it was how he felt at the time. My mom's response was worse. She complained that perhaps I wasn't a great wife and didn't cook or clean enough. Which I obviously though was BS. My image of her as a woman was damaged. Years later she too would apologize for those remarks. I don't know if the apologies were genuine as they both need me now more than ever.

 

It sounds like your mom resigned herself to her fate with your father. She rationalized it, believing she was somehow to blame for his infidelity...and projected that belief on you. It was not right, nor fair of either of them to say those things to you. I can well understand why it would damage your perception of her from that day on. I speak from the perspective of my own skeletons, but I won't get into that here.

 

I am sure there are folks here who may have grown up in the same situations and may have been judged unfairly by their families. This is why I decided to keep things quiet this time around. I believe we are handling our R well.

 

Oh, more than you would think. Or at the very least, sharing common factors. I'm glad you're doing alright with your second marriage, and I hope it continues to run smoothly.

[Confused48]

 

Too much dirty laundry to get into but honestly, what's really open late at night during workdays other than the legs of a willing woman?

 

 

There are literally millions of other things he could have been doing than having an affair. I'm not saying you are wrong. You have more info than this to go on I'm sure. But whatever you have that is less than a heart felt confession. It is not good enough. Confront him. Accuse him. He did not just cheat on your mother. He cheated on you and your brother. Neglecting you both for his AP. you deserve answers. Get them or you will regret not trying to get them very soon.

[jnel921]

Way back when before you could pay things online my dad managed a furniture store. He told my mom he needed to do collections personally.

 

My brother told me that he went with our dad once on these so called collection house calls. They went over to the woman's place where my dad introduced my brother as his own brother then he and the woman excused themselves to the upstairs bedroom where he told my brother he needed to help her put her bedroom furniture together. He was left downstairs with snacks and tv to watch.

Seriously????

 

My brother grew up to be a serial cheater himself. He recently got married again for the 3rd time!

 

It's unfortunate that kids have to go through this then grow up not really understanding if this behavior is totally wrong.

 

I constantly tell my kids that temptation and cheating is wrong and that if they ever feel close to wanting make a choice that will affect someone who loves them they should be respectful and selfless enough to let the person go.

 

I am sure that there are many people here who don't think about these consequences as they allow it and hope their kids can't tell the difference.

[Confused48]

Way back when before you could pay things online my dad managed a furniture store. He told my mom he needed to do collections personally.

 

My brother told me that he went with our dad once on these so called collection house calls. They went over to the woman's place where my dad introduced my brother as his own brother then he and the woman excused themselves to the upstairs bedroom where he told my brother he needed to help her put her bedroom furniture together. He was left downstairs with snacks and tv to watch.

Seriously????

 

My brother grew up to be a serial cheater himself. He recently got married again for the 3rd time!

 

It's unfortunate that kids have to go through this then grow up not really understanding if this behavior is totally wrong.

 

I constantly tell my kids that temptation and cheating is wrong and that if they ever feel close to wanting make a choice that will affect someone who loves them they should be respectful and selfless enough to let the person go.

 

I am sure that there are many people here who don't think about these consequences as they allow it and hope their kids can't tell the difference.

 

So why don't you confront him now? If this is prying forgive me. I won't ask again.

[jnel921]

He is old, helpless and I am not sure how much more worse he will feel. He hates his condition and wants to continue to live independently with my mom, however she is having issues walking because she is very overweight.

 

As Rebel-Dynasty mentioned, I believe my mom made peace with all of that.

[Thegameoflife]

OP, sorry to hear that you came from a bad situation, but it's not fair to crap on people for wanting to keep their families together in the face of cheating. Despite the cheating, a lot of people still love their spouse, and would rather forgive them than leave. Not for everyone is cheating the worst concieveable thing, and a good enough reason to end a marriage that is sometimes quite good despite it.

 

I really didn't like what you said to your kids about cheating. If you're tempted to cheat, it's because you're human. You don't leave the person you are with, instead you show some honor and stick to your committments and vows.

[Sarabi]

I really didn't like what you said to your kids about cheating.

 

Why? obviously as they grow up they will make their own decisions but why didn't you like it?

 

If you're tempted to cheat, it's because you're human. You don't leave the person you are with, instead you show some honor and stick to your committments and vows.

I don't get it...so the BS is dishonourable and not willing to stick to commitment if they walk away from the marriage because they (who have done nothing wrong) are cheated on?

I smell yet more exoneration of a WS and the blame being shifted from where it truly lies, to the door of the BS why do people like doing this? Everyone else but the cheater is to blame...why???

 

Are you serious?!? So if I get married my husband can come to me and say

"I'm human, its ok for me to cheat...you shouldn't really leave me because you should honour the commitments and vows you made"

 

I consider that a type of emotional blackmail to be honest...

Edited July 6, 2013 by Sarabi

[Oberfeldwebel]

Way back when before you could pay things online my dad managed a furniture store. He told my mom he needed to do collections personally.

 

My brother told me that he went with our dad once on these so called collection house calls. They went over to the woman's place where my dad introduced my brother as his own brother then he and the woman excused themselves to the upstairs bedroom where he told my brother he needed to help her put her bedroom furniture together. He was left downstairs with snacks and tv to watch.

Seriously????

 

My brother grew up to be a serial cheater himself. He recently got married again for the 3rd time!

 

It's unfortunate that kids have to go through this then grow up not really understanding if this behavior is totally wrong.

 

I constantly tell my kids that temptation and cheating is wrong and that if they ever feel close to wanting make a choice that will affect someone who loves them they should be respectful and selfless enough to let the person go.

 

I am sure that there are many people here who don't think about these consequences as they allow it and hope their kids can't tell the difference.

 

It is bad enough that your father cheated, but he perpetuated the behavior and tried to convince you that you too should accept this from your husband. I am happy to hear that you have broken the cycle and training your children that this is not acceptable behavior. I wonder if cheating spouses understand the magnitude of their actions on their children and it is not just their thing or just even between them and their spouse.

 

As for what you will do with him....you don't have to do anything.