Author Robert Z Posted July 6, 2013 Author Posted July 6, 2013 A comedienne I was watching last night said that women engage in psychological tatics because of their lack of equal physical powess with many men. Yet we men no longer use our physical advantage over women. So I find this a disturbing to consider.
Author Robert Z Posted July 6, 2013 Author Posted July 6, 2013 Oh ...some of us do know what you have been.. um...experiencing ...we read the other sections... Have you ever been on Mr. Toads Wild Ride, at Disneyland? Curious what happened to your ex wife? You keep tabs on her ? Did she ever find a healthy way to relate to a man? We have to maintain contact for a number of reasons, but she is still just living in her own little world, which gets smaller and smaller by the day,
Author Robert Z Posted July 6, 2013 Author Posted July 6, 2013 In the case of PTSD, it might take a really long time-if it ever helps, at all. He can be tough for me to take at times so I can see how this is difficult for her. The man hit a tree face first at 80 mph. His entire face was torn off and then sown back on. He looks good but is in constant though manageable pain. She was his nurse.
Author Robert Z Posted July 6, 2013 Author Posted July 6, 2013 Just so that I don't forget, thanks for the input everyone. This is one issue that I never did sort out. 1
Woggle Posted July 6, 2013 Posted July 6, 2013 I also stayed way too long with my ex. When I found her in bed with another man there was no coming back from that so I left her. 1
JustAReformedGirl Posted July 6, 2013 Posted July 6, 2013 He can be tough for me to take at times so I can see how this is difficult for her. The man hit a tree face first at 80 mph. His entire face was torn off and then sown back on. He looks good but is in constant though manageable pain. She was his nurse. That's terrible. I can certainly understand why he's become so difficult, but yes, I can still see why this is hard for her, as well. Are they officially headed for splits-ville? If not, perhaps (if they can financially swing it) they can get a professional physical therapist or something to help him through the pain. I'd hate to see a marriage fall apart because of things like this....but if it does, I honestly don't think there's much that can be done. I'll cross my fingers that they can come to an amicable decision. 1
Author Robert Z Posted July 6, 2013 Author Posted July 6, 2013 I don't know what's going to happen. I was hanging out with him last night and things seems to be calming a bit. But when he goes into defensive mode it's hard to tell. I have always suspected that her role as a healer and nurturer also gave her the power that she craves in a relationship. 1
JustAReformedGirl Posted July 6, 2013 Posted July 6, 2013 I don't know what's going to happen. I was hanging out with him last night and things seems to be calming a bit. But when he goes into defensive mode it's hard to tell. I have always suspected that her role as a healer and nurturer also gave her the power that she craves in a relationship. It's possible. She may not have even realized it. 1
tbf Posted July 6, 2013 Posted July 6, 2013 Since this behaviour started five years into your marriage, it sounds like she emotionally opted out of the marriage for whatever her reasons. Did sex die near that time? 1
Author Robert Z Posted July 6, 2013 Author Posted July 6, 2013 Since this behaviour started five years into your marriage, it sounds like she emotionally opted out of the marriage for whatever her reasons. Did sex die near that time? Now I'm going to tell you something that in retrospect is just embarrassing. She started cutting me off on our wedding night - I didn't get laid. She claimed to have a medical issue. We still had a reasonably good sex life for about five years, but the truth is that it started going downhill the day we got married. Of course I had no way to realize what was happening at the time. She ALWAYS has some excuse, and of course, I trusted her. And I will tell you in all honesty, even now the pain of that betrayal haunts me. I realize now that it played a big role in bringing a gun to my head. I bet my life on a lie.
tbf Posted July 6, 2013 Posted July 6, 2013 Now I'm going to tell you something that in retrospect is just embarrassing. She started cutting me off on our wedding night - I didn't get laid. She claimed to have a medical issue.She's a typical abuser. The need for unreasonable control over a partner, due to personal insecurities. The abuser won't acknowledge a partner's boundaries and the abusee will have weak personal boundaries. Your wedding night won't have been your first indication of power games. Look backwards throughout the relationship prior to marriage and in hindsight, you'll see them. 1
Author Robert Z Posted July 7, 2013 Author Posted July 7, 2013 Oh yes, as was mentioned earlier, it was like a switch was flipped and suddenly I saw her for what she was. You wouldn't believe what actually put me over the edge in this regard - birthday cake. One year for my birthday she bought her favorite cake for my birthday. It was stupid and petty but that was the point. It suddenly dawned on me that she is so selfish and controlling that she can't even buy me a freakin birthday cake without it being about her. Suddenly the walls came tumbling down and it all became painfully clear. To this day I don't know why I don't hate her. 1
Eve Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 Oh yes, as was mentioned earlier, it was like a switch was flipped and suddenly I saw her for what she was. You wouldn't believe what actually put me over the edge in this regard - birthday cake. One year for my birthday she bought her favorite cake for my birthday. It was stupid and petty but that was the point. It suddenly dawned on me that she is so selfish and controlling that she can't even buy me a freakin birthday cake without it being about her. Suddenly the walls came tumbling down and it all became painfully clear. To this day I don't know why I don't hate her. Man, that is selfish! Idk, I think sometimes people just think of people in terms of how they can make their lives run smoothly and not really love and cherish the other person. Now, I always ask personal questions, it's how I am wired, lol. Ignore me if you wish but have you ever been loved just for you Robert? I shouldn't be so soft about these things as I understand not everyone finds or even needs this. Just wondering. Take care, Eve x 1
Author Robert Z Posted July 9, 2013 Author Posted July 9, 2013 Now, I always ask personal questions, it's how I am wired, lol. Ignore me if you wish but have you ever been loved just for you Robert? I shouldn't be so soft about these things as I understand not everyone finds or even needs this. Sure, I have people in my life who love me. I was also engaged once before marrying my ex and had three serious relationships before that. 1
GorillaTheater Posted July 9, 2013 Posted July 9, 2013 I've seen a fair bit of this sort of thing, mainly in the marriages of my friends but sometimes in my own. The biggest mistake I think is to internalize it and/or trying to defend against it. I always chose to reinforce it. "You're right, I have no business trying to be a husband, I just suck too much at it. Bummer for you that you chose so poorly. :laugh:" Tends to shut down the BS pretty swiftly. 1
Eve Posted July 9, 2013 Posted July 9, 2013 Sure, I have people in my life who love me. I was also engaged once before marrying my ex and had three serious relationships before that. Ok, cool. I was feeling sad for you. You must be older than I initially imagined. Take care, Eve x 1
Author Robert Z Posted July 9, 2013 Author Posted July 9, 2013 Ok, cool. I was feeling sad for you. You must be older than I initially imagined. Oh, so us old guys aren't deserving of pity?!?! I'm on the lower side of mid-fifties and went through my major crisis several years ago. If you knew what I've been doing since then you may or may not feel sorry for me, but I don't! I'm not going to waste another moment.
Author Robert Z Posted July 9, 2013 Author Posted July 9, 2013 Bummer for you that you chose so poorly. :laugh:" :lmao::lmao: Oh so familiar!!! I ended up saying much the same thing. At first it was a joke. But after a few years it stopped being funny. 1
Eve Posted July 9, 2013 Posted July 9, 2013 Oh, so us old guys aren't deserving of pity?!?! I'm on the lower side of mid-fifties and went through my major crisis several years ago. If you knew what I've been doing since then you may or may not feel sorry for me, but I don't! I'm not going to waste another moment. My sadness for you was based on other posts also but that is not the topic here, directly. I am just an observer. Ex partners are an interesting view of why and how people choose the relationships they go on to choose. I find it interesting when people go on to find their match mainly because I am a bit soft like that. I tend to side with the underdog and love hearing about eureka moments when tides change for the better for a person. Sometimes I can even feel the tide change prior to it happening because the person has found their release point. I also like being party to that much muchly in real life. Hope it all works out better than you can currently see Robert. Take care, Eve x 1
BetheButterfly Posted July 9, 2013 Posted July 9, 2013 This came up with a friend the other night and it definitely applies to me as well. I would imagine that somewhere around the 5 year mark into our marriage, my ex started blaming me for almost anything at home that made her mad. More often than not I had nothing to do with it! In fact she was often the one responsible and she didn't even know it. If I demonstrated this to her, it made her even more angry. She would just decide that one way or another, whatever was pissing her off was my fault. My buddy started getting the same treatment and he was asking me what to make of this. I still don't know what to tell him. I never understood it myself. My best guess looking back is that it was a power move. I now believe that, whether she knew it or not, that she needed to be a perpetual victim. If she was somehow a victim then I would be at a psychological disadvantage. And for years it worked! For at least 10 years I tried to believe that she was sincere and that she had some genuine reason to see things as she claimed. But now I tend to think it was mostly bullsht. I tend to think it was all about control. Akin to this was what I thought of as the Jekyll and Hyde syndrome. At home I could do nothing right. When in front of friends or family, I was Mr. Wonderful and she LOOOOOOVED me soooooooo much. It still makes me sick to think about it. So, what about it? Is this sort of behavior common? Is there some typical reason why a woman would do this beyond a subconscious or conscious effort to gain a psychological advantage? I think a lot of it is not taking on one's own personal responsibility and not understanding what marriage ideally is. When I was married to my first husband, I blamed him for a lot of things. I'm not proud of it. I was very immature though and didn't know what true love was. Life is a journey and it seems many people try to blame others in order to avoid changing oneself. Before getting married for the second time, I learned through premarital counseling at my church about taking responsibility and not blaming anyone for my actions. This has greatly helped my husband and me. We have been married for almost 2 years and when issues arise, we don't blame each other but rather sit together, hold hands, look into each other's eyes , and talk about what happened and what each of us have learned. We remember we are a TEAM. We are not enemies. We are together, FOR each other, not against each other! That helps so much to not do the blame game! I think those who do the blame game haven't learned the importance of being a team, for each other instead of against each other. 1
BetheButterfly Posted July 9, 2013 Posted July 9, 2013 Yes, for a time I assumed that she was unhappy for other reasons. I don't know. Sometimes I wonder if she ever loved me at all. I have wondered a few times if this was really the problem. I think she might have loved you, but that it was weak love, not true and strong love. Oh god, it could be anything - a mess on the cabinet, dirty dishes in the sink, lights left on, lights turned off, crud on the floor [often tracked in by the cats]... My favorite one was when she decided that she needed to run the heater with the windows wide open in the winter because she needed more fresh air, and then blamed me for a huge power bill the next month. Suddenly the windows didn't need to be open any more. We had a pond on our property. One time she found an empty trash can full of water, which was actually my fault. But then she blamed me for the mosquito population. LOL!!! We had a pond!!! That trash can didn't amount to squat compared to the 1800 square feet of standing water in the pond! And she was the one hell bent on getting a place with a pond when we bought the property.It's so sad when husband and wives become against each other instead of for each other. The mentality of seeing one's mate as one's enemy is destructive. I am sorry about that. It's not your fault that she decided to blame you though. Obviously she didn't understand the importance of being united as a team and working out issues together. 1
Author Robert Z Posted July 9, 2013 Author Posted July 9, 2013 My sadness for you was based on other posts also but that is not the topic here, directly. Hope it all works out better than you can currently see Robert.
Eve Posted July 9, 2013 Posted July 9, 2013 *Eve takes note not to push things any further* Glad you are happier than before. Take care, Eve x
Author Robert Z Posted July 9, 2013 Author Posted July 9, 2013 (edited) *Eve takes note not to push things any further* Have to have the last word, eh? Happier than before... birth? I know it doesn't make sense to a lot of people, but compared to my marriage, this is paradise. Edited July 9, 2013 by Robert Z
Eve Posted July 9, 2013 Posted July 9, 2013 Have to have the last word, eh? No, more a matter off responding without being drawn into waters too deep. I don't need the last word or owt like that. Take care Robert, Eve x
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