The blame game

[Robert Z]

This came up with a friend the other night and it definitely applies to me as well.

 

I would imagine that somewhere around the 5 year mark into our marriage, my ex started blaming me for almost anything at home that made her mad. More often than not I had nothing to do with it! In fact she was often the one responsible and she didn't even know it. If I demonstrated this to her, it made her even more angry. She would just decide that one way or another, whatever was pissing her off was my fault.

 

My buddy started getting the same treatment and he was asking me what to make of this. I still don't know what to tell him. I never understood it myself. My best guess looking back is that it was a power move. I now believe that, whether she knew it or not, that she needed to be a perpetual victim. If she was somehow a victim then I would be at a psychological disadvantage. And for years it worked! For at least 10 years I tried to believe that she was sincere and that she had some genuine reason to see things as she claimed. But now I tend to think it was mostly bullsht. I tend to think it was all about control.

 

Akin to this was what I thought of as the Jekyll and Hyde syndrome. At home I could do nothing right. When in front of friends or family, I was Mr. Wonderful and she LOOOOOOVED me soooooooo much. It still makes me sick to think about it.

 

So, what about it? Is this sort of behavior common? Is there some typical reason why a woman would do this beyond a subconscious or conscious effort to gain a psychological advantage?

[JustAReformedGirl]

This came up with a friend the other night and it definitely applies to me as well.

 

I would imagine that somewhere around the 5 year mark into our marriage, my ex started blaming me for almost anything at home that made her mad. More often than not I had nothing to do with it! In fact she was often the one responsible and she didn't even know it. If I demonstrated this to her, it made her even more angry. She would just decide that one way or another, whatever was pissing her off was my fault.

 

My buddy started getting the same treatment and he was asking me what to make of this. I still don't know what to tell him. I never understood it myself. My best guess looking back is that it was a power move. I now believe that, whether she knew it or not, that she needed to be a perpetual victim. If she was somehow a victim then I would be at a psychological disadvantage. And for years it worked! For at least 10 years I tried to believe that she was sincere and that she had some genuine reason to see things as she claimed. But now I tend to think it was mostly bullsht. I tend to think it was all about control.

 

Akin to this was what I thought of as the Jekyll and Hyde syndrome. At home I could do nothing right. When in front of friends or family, I was Mr. Wonderful and she LOOOOOOVED me soooooooo much. It still makes me sick to think about it.

 

So, what about it? Is this sort of behavior common? Is there some typical reason why a woman would do this beyond a subconscious or conscious effort to gain a psychological advantage?

 

I've seen men pull this power trip too, just FYI.

 

Anyway, in answer to your question? It could be any number of things; consciously or subconsciously, they'll nag at you over stupid, little, and imagined things, because there might be something bigger bothering them. In this event, they might just not know how to express what it is that's bothering them (or in the case of it being subconscious, they're not aware that being upset about the bigger thing is why they're reacting to the smaller/imagined things).

 

What kind of things would she flip on you about? And the cuddly with you in front of friends and family is pretty common; they don't want anyone else to see weakness in the relationship. Or at least, I'm pretty sure that would be the reason. I don't know for certain, but I know with me, I've never been one to share the details of my relationship with people I know; not unless a major change is about to occur.

[JustAReformedGirl]

Also, what Dragoness said; I completely gapped on the martyrdom thing! (Which is funny, because I was talking to my mom today about people with those complexes, lol).

[Robert Z]

I've seen men pull this power trip too, just FYI.

 

Anyway, in answer to your question? It could be any number of things; consciously or subconsciously, they'll nag at you over stupid, little, and imagined things, because there might be something bigger bothering them. In this event, they might just not know how to express what it is that's bothering them (or in the case of it being subconscious, they're not aware that being upset about the bigger thing is why they're reacting to the smaller/imagined things).

 

Yes, for a time I assumed that she was unhappy for other reasons. I don't know. Sometimes I wonder if she ever loved me at all. I have wondered a few times if this was really the problem.

 

What kind of things would she flip on you about?

 

Oh god, it could be anything - a mess on the cabinet, dirty dishes in the sink, lights left on, lights turned off, crud on the floor [often tracked in by the cats]... My favorite one was when she decided that she needed to run the heater with the windows wide open in the winter because she needed more fresh air, and then blamed me for a huge power bill the next month. Suddenly the windows didn't need to be open any more.

 

We had a pond on our property. One time she found an empty trash can full of water, which was actually my fault. But then she blamed me for the mosquito population. LOL!!! We had a pond!!! That trash can didn't amount to squat compared to the 1800 square feet of standing water in the pond! And she was the one hell bent on getting a place with a pond when we bought the property.

Edited July 4, 2013 by Robert Z

[JustAReformedGirl]

Oh god, it could be anything - a mess on the cabinet, dirty dishes in the sink,

lights left on, lights turned off, crud on the floor [often tracked in by the

cats]... My favorite one was when she decided that she needed to run the heater

with the windows wide open in the winter because she needed more fresh air, and

then blamed me for a huge power bill the next month. Suddenly the windows didn't

need to be open any more.

 

I'd understand if you contributed to the mess, and not to the cleaning up-but this does seem pretty excessive of her. I get ticked at my husband when he leaves his clothes everywhere-and I don't just mean the bedroom, I mean he drops it wherever he likes. Beyond that, nada. It really sounds like there was more going on than she let on. She also sounds a tad bi-polar, blaming you for things you had no part of. (The heat thing....seriously?)

 

We had a pond on our property. One time she found an empty trash can full of water, which was actually my fault. But then she blamed me for the mosquito population. LOL!!! We had a pond!!! That trash can didn't amount to squat compared to the 1800 square feet of standing water in the pond! And she was the one hell bent on getting a place with a pond when we bought the property.

 

Oh god...yeah, be glad you no longer have to deal with her. She doesn't strike me as the rational type.

[Robert Z]

Oh god...yeah, be glad you no longer have to deal with her. She doesn't strike me as the rational type.

 

You cannot even begin to imagine what all I want to say, but it all amounts to, yes.

 

Still, I wonder about my buddy. I can see where he can be hard to take - he lacks a lot of social filters - but he is a very honest person and she knew what she was getting. I also thinks she has some serious control issues. So if this sort of behavior can be a grab for power, then I would have to rate that high on the list of possibilities.

[Eve]

I think it is a form of insecurity based on a fear of rejection. In order to still the feelings they probably can't really communitcate they actively try to make sure that other person always has them on their minds. They don't mind if this is done negatively. Only that the person is thinking about them.

 

Drama, drama and more drama.

 

Quite boring if you ask me.

 

The dangerous ones are the ones who are aware of what they are doing.

 

Take care,

Eve x

[Robert Z]

Quite boring if you ask me.

 

I would put it more along the lines of agonizing. The woman could drive a man to suicide. And she nearly did.

[Eve]

I would put it more along the lines of agonizing. The woman could drive a man to suicide. And she nearly did.

 

Aww, sorry to hear. Seriously.

 

I must admit to be one who is quick to recover mainly because my mind switches to more fickle things quite quickly. Can't be doing with nonsense unless it is productive nonsense such as shopping, going to the cinema and generally being happy. Life can be serious enough without all that on top of things such as work etc.

 

Hope you did not become infected.

 

Take care,

eve x

[Woggle]

Boy do I remember this. I remember my ex would always make me make all the decisions then she actually held a grudge for two years because I decided to try a new Italian restaurant one nigh when she wanted chinese and I should guessed if I were in tune to her emotions.

 

It was also my fault that she did drugs and that she cheated on me and one time I even literally was blamed for the weather.

 

So glad to be out of that crap.

[Robert Z]

Aww, sorry to hear. Seriously.

 

Thanks. Obviously there were other factors but she was a big part of it. My biggest mistake was taking the "till death do us part" business too seriously. I felt morally obligated and was only able to walk away by rejecting a lifetime of beliefs. But when you find yourself holding a gun to your own head, you tend to do some real soul searching in a hurry. For about five seconds it could have gone either way.

 

Hope you did not become infected.

 

Over half of my life wasted, the damage is done. But I'm making the most of the good years I have left. You can be sure of that! You don't even want to know how much fun I've been having. :love:

[Pastypop]

This is an easy one. Women act this way when their needs aren't being met. We can be passive aggressive people and this is how we take out our frustration thus making the situation worse. In my situation, my husband has cut me off in the bedroom, doesn't flirt or date me anymore. As you can guess, I'm quite frustrated by this. I have not let myself go so that's not the reason. Now if his mom calls him and asks him to drive the grand kids up, he is all over that whether we can afford it or not. Women put on the act in front of friends and family because we don't want to be talked about. Everyone knows my marriage sucks and the rumors have ran rampant for years and most of them are absolutely horrible and embarrassing. Hope this helps.

[Turtles]

This is an easy one. Women act this way when their needs aren't being met. We can be passive aggressive people and this is how we take out our frustration thus making the situation worse. In my situation, my husband has cut me off in the bedroom, doesn't flirt or date me anymore. As you can guess, I'm quite frustrated by this. I have not let myself go so that's not the reason. Now if his mom calls him and asks him to drive the grand kids up, he is all over that whether we can afford it or not. Women put on the act in front of friends and family because we don't want to be talked about. Everyone knows my marriage sucks and the rumors have ran rampant for years and most of them are absolutely horrible and embarrassing. Hope this helps.

 

Thank you Pasty, that was great insight, I really believe that is what happened in my marriage, she would complain about some detail because of frustration with the relationship in general, then I would focus on that as a problem to solve instead of realizing there was a bigger issue. If I had caught this early on and called her on it we might still be happily married.

[Robert Z]

If I had caught this early on and called her on it we might still be happily married.

 

For a long time I tended to believe this was the problem.

 

I caught this early, or at least I thought I did, and we went to marriage counseling several times - three rounds of sessions over about a ten year period. In the end I concluded that there was nothing I could do to make her happy.

 

Perhaps there are times when a person can make a difference by changing their behavior, and others when they can't.

 

If a woman isn't happy because her needs aren't being met, then she really needs to figure out what those needs may be and convey those needs clearly. I think at best my ex expected me to be a mind reader. But as I said earlier, maybe she never really loved me and there was nothing I could do about it.

Edited July 4, 2013 by Robert Z

[JustAReformedGirl]

 

If a woman isn't happy because her needs aren't being met, then she really needs to figure out what those needs may be and convey those needs clearly. I think at best my ex expected me to be a mind reader. But as I said earlier, maybe she never really loved me and there was nothing I could do about it.

 

Agreed; I'm not saying I've never been guilty of some passive-aggressive behaviour, but I make the effort not to. If I'm unhappy about something to do with the relationship (or in general), I make it known. I don't like when mind games are played on me, so I make it a point not to do so to others.

 

It takes two to make or break a relationship; if she didn't bother to convey her feelings, and expected you to just "know", she has/had a lot of growing up to do.

 

What about the case in regards to your friend, though?

[Robert Z]

What about the case in regards to your friend, though?

 

He is another story. Honestly, it doesn't sound good. They had a huge blow up and it sounds like it could be a fatal blow to the marriage. She was already planning to leave town for a week and even he doesn't know if he has a marriage any more.

 

The man has no filters! He was in a terrible accident and technically died three time during his lifeflight to a trauma center. He has pretty serious issues with PTSD as a result. I don't know how much of his personality relates to this but I can see where she would have issues. He is incredibly insensitive at times. He is reasonable in principle but dramatic and very hostile if conflict arises. He doesn't get violent but tough to take nonetheless.

[JustAReformedGirl]

He is another story. Honestly, it doesn't sound good. They had a huge blow up and it sounds like it could be a fatal blow to the marriage. She was already planning to leave town for a week and even he doesn't know if he has a marriage any more.

 

The man has no filters! He was in a terrible accident and technically died three time during his lifeflight to a trauma center. He has pretty serious issues with PTSD as a result. I don't know how much of his personality relates to this but I can see where she would have issues. He is incredibly insensitive at times. He is reasonable in principle but dramatic and very hostile if conflict arises. He doesn't get violent but tough to take nonetheless.

 

It's tough on both of them, I imagine. While I am sympathetic to your friend (after all, he really can't help what happened to him) I can see where his wife is coming from.

 

But given the fact that she knew what she was getting into beforehand, and knows of his medical issues...you'd think she'd try to stay with him. That being said, it's a bit of a no-win situation, and though he can't control himself, I can't blame her for not wanting to remain with someone who makes her miserable.

 

Did they try counselling at any point?

[Eve]

Most likely these patterns of behavior stem from childhood and how the childhood family (parents/brothers and sisters/extended family) related to each other.

 

In other words they behave this way simply because that's how they perceived their parents behaving. They never learned a non-conflictual behavior style because it wasn't modeled for them by their parents.

 

I agree. Alarmingly, choice of peer group is sited in many studies as being a more powerful influence than the child's family from the age of 8 upwards.. so the behaviour could be a reflection of what has been picked up outside of the home also. For some this is a mixture that can take a lifetime to correct and for them to even learn to hear their own authentic voice.

 

All that aside, I have come to a point where I don't think human behaviour is often as complex as we like to think. I reckon often it is a case of 'whatever works' in order for the individual to get their own way. Mainly because they have no impetus to change because they are not challenged appropriately.

 

Well, that's how I look at it nowadays. What is essentially negative attention seeking behaviours can be pretty tempting to try to correct but ultimately it is counter productive to try to do so.

 

I do believe people can change though - but they have to want to.

 

A comedienne I was watching last night said that women engage in psychological tatics because of their lack of equal physical powess with many men. I think there is some truth in this. Obviously similar traits exist for men but the power base is different.

 

Take care,

Eve x

[Robert Z]

Your wife was just being a b*tch because you accepted it from her, when you should have called her out on her bad behavior.

 

I did. I tried everything! We went to counseling because I found her impossible to deal with.

 

See, the problem wasn't that I didn't stand up to her. The problem was that it only made things worse. It's like my buddy said about his wife. She's willing to throw atom bombs around just to win a fight.

 

Looking back now, no doubt, I should have just told her to go f herself. But I believed she loved me and I was trying to save our marriage.

[Robert Z]

I now suspect that part of the problem was that she knew my beliefs and she figured I was stuck for life. Again, the "till death do us part"... She figured that no matter what she did, I would never leave her.

 

Strange, but when we finally did call it quits, I became very angry with myself for never cheating on her. It still ticks me off to think of the opportunities that I passed up.

[M30USA]

For at least 10 years I tried to believe that she was sincere and that she had some genuine reason to see things as she claimed. But now I tend to think it was mostly bull****. I tend to think it was all about control.

 

There comes a point where you have to decide whether a person's faults are just due to their weaknesses/fears, or their deliberate need for control at the expense of the other. It's a fine line. I think there are examples of both cases. And sadly it often takes years of a marriage/relationship to determine this. I don't think there's a foolproof litmus test to use beforehand. Life is a bitch sometimes.

 

Is all abusive behavior simply the result of a person's "past hurts" and "fears"? Are they merely struggling to work them out and you just happen to be caught in the crossfire? Many people believe this. They convince themselves of this for years or decades just to rationalize staying with the abuser.

 

But on the other hand, are all those actions really more about power at your expense? Are they even taking advantage of your very mercy and understanding? Have you been targeted in advance because they know only a compassionate person will tolerate their bullcrap? Are they fully able to stop their behavior but choose not to because they prefer the power and control it gives them?

 

Each person has to use wisdom to learn the difference.

[Eve]

I now suspect that part of the problem was that she knew my beliefs and she figured I was stuck for life. Again, the "till death do us part"... She figured that no matter what she did, I would never leave her.

 

 

I get where you are coming from.

 

My H was in the same situation with his ex. It wasn't until she brazenly told him what she had done with the marital ring that something in him turned. As soon as she said it, he woke up.

 

He had given her two weeks to think things through and come home (she was having an affair) - but when she told him what she had done with the ring, that was it for him. He fully told her about herself and began divorce proceedings. He also told her he was going to find someone better than her. This rocked her to the core as she expected him to still keep trying to win her back.

 

His final words to her are the reason she hated on me for so long.

 

Now that he is free from her he can see what a bitch she is but back then he wanted to honour his vows.

 

The guy she ran off with beat her and was a complete bastard. She went from one idiot to the next after that.

 

Take care,

Eve x

[dichotomy]

Thanks. Obviously there were other factors but she was a big part of it. My biggest mistake was taking the "till death do us part" business too seriously. I felt morally obligated and was only able to walk away by rejecting a lifetime of beliefs. But when you find yourself holding a gun to your own head, you tend to do some real soul searching in a hurry. For about five seconds it could have gone either way.

 

 

 

Over half of my life wasted, the damage is done. But I'm making the most of the good years I have left. You can be sure of that! You don't even want to know how much fun I've been having. :love:

 

Oh ...some of us do know what you have been.. um...experiencing ...we read the other sections...

 

 

Curious what happened to your ex wife? You keep tabs on her ? Did she ever find a healthy way to relate to a man?

[Robert Z]

Did they try counselling at any point?

 

Yes, they've been to counseling but I guess it didn't help.

[JustAReformedGirl]

Yes, they've been to counseling but I guess it didn't help.

 

In the case of PTSD, it might take a really long time-if it ever helps, at all.