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Who can honestly say they love been married? Every single day of their lives?

Sam22

By Sam22
in Marriage and Life Partnerships

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Sam22 New Member

Sam22

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I love my husband, but i hate been married. We have been married for a little over a year and i already hate every second of it. I have always been independent financially as well as responsible, my husband is not wise with money and spends as it comes in, i have mentioned to save he still spends. Everyday is a battle with stress. My husband wants to go out every weekend and have people over the house every weekend and drinking and crap which equals more spending and i don't, i like to just relax and i love been home but not with 5-6 people every single weekend!

Last weekend by miracle i put my foot down and i said no i dont want anyone over (i was super sick with the flu) only way he listened, but this weekend is all out the window ugh...

I am stressed out every single day about no savings in our bank account, i am stressed out about how to pay for school and have an advancement in my career goals if there is no savings.

I honestly absolutely hate my life at the moment. I feel trapped without no where to go career wise, financially wise etc. He doesn't want me to work, so i don't i hate not having my own hard earned money where i would save it and spend it wisely and have an actual savings and now i have nothing but frustrations!

Before i got married EVERYONE whom i spoke to that have been married longer told me they absolutely HATED their spouse, couldn't stand them, was happier when they werent around etc. I just laughed and said you don't mean that when they were as serious as could be, now i see why and how honest they were.

 

 

Who here can honestly say that they absolutely LOVE with all their hearts been married every single day of their life? I dont feel happy about marriage i hate it, i feel i can do so much succeed so much and i feel limited :/ I do love my husband but i feel like we are on opposite beliefs at the moment. Btw me and him have been together for 8 years married for one year. When we dated we were on the same page now i don't even know i just hate been married every single day :(

oldshirt Established Member

oldshirt

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Btw me and him have been together for 8 years married for one year. When we dated we were on the same page now i don't even know i just hate been married every single day :(

 

I really question this statement. How could you have been together for 7 years and not know he was a spendthrift that won't save money and how could you not have known that you had different social activities and at what point did you quit your job?

 

You mention he doesn't want you to work but you don't mention having any children. Where are you from and what culture are you from where the dictates his wife not to work where there are no minor children involved? I'm not knocking that practice per se, but just wondering if there may be some cultural differences we need to be aware because I haven't known a single married couple in the last 30 years where the newlywed wed wife did not work if there were no children in the home.

 

Was this an arrainged marriage or a long distance phone relationship for 7 years before you actually got married?

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MissBee Established Member

MissBee

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I'm not married...

 

But I think if you're married to someone whose style is more similar to yours in terms of finances, how much they like people over, etc. it will make you hate your married life less. Question: did you and your husband ever discuss finances, you working, guests over etc prior to marriage? Even in 3 months of dating and sleepovers, I've been able to gather a lot about a boyfriend's style of spending, way of living, habits etc...so it's bizarre to me that you seem totally shocked about how he is. Did you not know before?

 

I'm not married yet: but there's basically a book that couples can go through about 100 questions to ask your SO prior to marriage. I plan to do that. It's really helpful to realize in love or not, you're two different people with 2 different styles, combining lives, and have to work that out and if the person's way of being is so counter to your own, maybe you're not compatible enough to have a happy marriage.

 

Also, could you simply be frustrated with your own life, in terms of no career etc., which no doubt makes you feel more trapped esp financially, so it makes you even more annoyed with him? You should tell him how you feel and for me personally, absolutely NO WAY, any man could tell me not to work. I myself am independent and I know for me, I do need my space and freedom from time to time, so would only be happily married so long as my spouse and I both maintained our own passion, job, friends and hobbies outside of each other...and for me, I need my own money at all times. But I am also gathering you have other frustrations and perhaps it's transferring on to your husband.

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Sam22 New Member

Sam22

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ok let me clarify it was not an arranged marriage he just wants me to focus on school and not have to worry about working while studying since we can afford it because he gets paid extremely well. He was supportive about me continuing my degree advancement without the need to worry about working. We are in no rush in having kids any time soon, since technically we have plans such as finishing degrees traveling etc, we still want to do a lot before starting to have children. I did know his spending habits before and it was pretty bad but i dont know what to do here. I have talked to him about having people over and stuff and he agrees and all but then everything later goes out the window.

 

MissBee: I am frustrated careerwise i feel he does support me but at the same time i feel he says it just to say it but when it comes down to it he is a bit neglectful, i am not sure. I remember at one time i was actually making more money than him and this made him uncomfortable and then he got a promotion and had great career advancement and everything was fine. I am not sure if this is a guy thing where the guy should provide and make more for the family than a woman am not sure but he did feel awkward i guess it was an ego thing.

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MissBee Established Member

MissBee

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Well if not working makes you unhappy....then work. Sam, for me as I said, I don't care how well-paid my spouse is, I am just not very comfortable with feeling like I depend 100% on my spouse to provide for me. That's just me personally. Growing up, even going on dates, the rule of thumb my mom, grandma, aunts drilled into me was: "Always have your mad money" i.e. even though the man may be paying for you, taking you out, etc. always have your own money IN CASE you need/want to use it or things get uncomfortable, you can grab a cab and leave and you're not solely at his mercy. So that's what's sensible and comfortable to me. I have no problem with a man who assumes the provider role and likes to pay for dates or pay for things, but I just feel more comfortable if I also have my own. I would feel very awkward, even if my spouse was a millionaire, if I wasn't able to do my own thing and have my own income.

 

I strongly believe that being happy with yourself and your life makes you a better partner, likewise, if you're unhappy it spills over into your relationship. Do you think if you also worked and got your own money and could save as you felt like, it would alleviate your annoyance? You don't have to work full time, maybe even a few hours a week part time will give you more feelings of personal security?

 

In any case: sit your husband down and explain how all of this is affecting you and your marriage and tell him you love him and want things to be good for both of you. As if you're sooo frustrated that you hate your marriage, it will only get worse.

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Sam22 New Member

Sam22

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I'm not married...

...and for me, I need my own money at all times.

 

I think this is my top frustration, but although there is yours and mines in marriage it becomes and turns into ours and we.

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Sam22 New Member

Sam22

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I strongly believe that being happy with yourself and your life makes you a better partner, likewise, if you're unhappy it spills over into your relationship. Do you think if you also worked and got your own money and could save as you felt like, it would alleviate your annoyance? You don't have to work full time, maybe even a few hours a week part time will give you more feelings of personal security?

 

In any case: sit your husband down and explain how all of this is affecting you and your marriage and tell him you love him and want things to be good for both of you. As if you're sooo frustrated that you hate your marriage, it will only get worse.

 

I could not agree more, i think this is my problem the feeling of not having this personal security it frustrates me. I also feel the same with you in the department of having your own money, because at the end of the day it is yours you earned it. God forbid something happens in the relationship they take off and your left with nothing! I am very much realistic, because you never know what can happen. I will sit him down today and talk my little heart out wish me luck.

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MissBee Established Member

MissBee

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I could not agree more, i think this is my problem the feeling of not having this personal security it frustrates me. I also feel the same with you in the department of having your own money, because at the end of the day it is yours you earned it. God forbid something happens in the relationship they take off and your left with nothing! I am very much realistic, because you never know what can happen. I will sit him down today and talk my little heart out wish me luck.

 

Nothing's wrong with that. I believe in ours and we...but sorry, I also feel nothing is wrong with a mine and mine doesn't mean you can never share. Everyone, even married people, needs things which are just theirs: be it friends, money, a space in the home, a time of the day. I know if I don't have that I'll start to feel trapped and unhappy and take it out on my spouse, just like how you feel trapped now.

 

Good luck! Hopefully you guys work things out *hugs* :)

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oldshirt Established Member

oldshirt

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We are in no rush in having kids any time soon,

 

 

For the love of all that is Holy do NOT, repeat DO NOT have any kids!!!!

 

If you hate being married and hate not being able to come and go as you please and hate not having your own career and hate being in control of the family finances and hate that your husband has social interests outside of the home then you have absolutely no right to bring any kids into this world.

 

If you think you are miserable now just wait until you are getting all fat and bloated with swollen ankles and morning sickness and peeing every 20 minutes around the clock.

 

If you are miserable now just wait until you have a screaming, puking, pooping little monster that is always trying to chew on your teets.

 

Some people just aren't cut out for marital homelife and parenthood. That is not a slam or an insult. Some people are just better off being independent and doing their own thing.

 

If you feel like your life is restricted unsatisfying now, it will feel like a torture dungeon once you are changing diapers over a dozen times a day and have stretch marks, sagging boobs and post partum depression.

dichotomy Established Member

dichotomy

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When we attended marriage counseling a long term couple came to our group. The woman said this "I always love my husband, but their are times I really don't like him at all".

 

The of course I had kids and ....oh boy.... there are tons of times I REALLY don't like them either...I could just (well never mind)....but I love them to death and never regret having them.

 

But to answer you question more..no I don't know ANY long term married couples that are happy consistently.

 

I have sisters who have been married 30 years, 40 years...and no they are not happy all the time, far from it. They have confessed many times over the years about considering divorce...At some point however I understood that both their husband and they have a strong sense of partnership and family and commitment...experiences of family life, a connectedness to more than themselves.

 

But like being in the military - marriage is not for everyone.:lmao:

Got it Established Member

Got it

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You guys are a team and your foundation is paramount. The rest of your relationship is being built right now. I highly recommend utilizing marriage counseling NOW to help get your guys on the right path. Sometimes having a third party say the same thing suddenly makes it resonate. Work on your foundation, these issues have to have game plans to counter them when they come up.

 

I don't think anyone loves being married every day of their lives. I am sure you have a best friend or childhood friends, have you loved being their friend every single day? Probably not, probably had a spat or two, now extrapolate that to a marriage! I don't think it is reasonable to expect you love everything about them every day but it is about the partnership, trust and respect that will see you through the "I really am not liking you right now" stage.

Thegameoflife Established Member

Thegameoflife

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I think you're a little confused, because love is the antithesis of hate. When you love someone, it's essentially saying you never hate them. I have not enjoyed arguments and situations, but I love my wife regardless. I knew getting married that we would have problems that would need to be solved, but I married her because I knew we would work through them. I am happy in my marriage.

 

From my perspective, your dislike of the situation and blaming, is your sub-conscious projection of self blame for failing at communicating and solving a problem effectively. When we have problems with our spouses, if the problem continues, we have not gone as far as we can to mitigate it. We can continue to seek a solution though multiple avenues right up to separation. Accept that changing the situation is your problem to solve. To me your just complaining because it's easier than actually doing something about the problems.

tas001 Member

tas001

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I think you're a little confused, because love is the antithesis of hate. When you love someone, it's essentially saying you never hate them.

 

Actually I would say the oppose of love is indifference not hate. Being in love will provoke a strong opposite reaction sometimes. It's when you become indifferent and don't care, is when you know it's not love anymore ...

Thegameoflife Established Member

Thegameoflife

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Actually I would say the oppose of love is indifference not hate. Being in love will provoke a strong opposite reaction sometimes. It's when you become indifferent and don't care, is when you know it's not love anymore ...

 

Indifference is simply not caring either way, or void of emotion or connection to something. Love is a strong positive emotion towards something, and hate is a strong negative emotion towards something, which is why they are an antithesis. This is a pretty well established and accepted antithesis.

Thegameoflife Established Member

Thegameoflife

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Actually I would say the oppose of love is indifference not hate. Being in love will provoke a strong opposite reaction sometimes. It's when you become indifferent and don't care, is when you know it's not love anymore ...

 

Indifference is simply not caring either way, or void of emotion or connection to something. Love is a strong positive emotion towards something, and hate is a strong negative emotion towards something, which is why they are an antithesis. This is a pretty well established and accepted antithesis.

Got it Established Member

Got it

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Indifference is simply not caring either way, or void of emotion or connection to something. Love is a strong positive emotion towards something, and hate is a strong negative emotion towards something, which is why they are an antithesis. This is a pretty well established and accepted antithesis.

 

Actually no. Hate is still strong emotion about the subject. It is a different emotion but still energies tied to them. And Hate can be because of love hurt, anger, and want.

 

Indifference is the absence of any caring about the subject. It is the opposite of love.

Thegameoflife Established Member

Thegameoflife

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Actually no. Hate is still strong emotion about the subject. It is a different emotion but still energies tied to them. And Hate can be because of love hurt, anger, and want.

 

Indifference is the absence of any caring about the subject. It is the opposite of love.

 

We are arguing semantics. It comes down to how you define love and hate.

BostonDave Member

BostonDave

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Are you in debt? Does he share his money with you? Is he offering to support you while you're a student or actually forbidding you from working?

 

If you are in debt, his reckless spending is a big problem. If he's not sharing his money or forbidding you from working, that's also a problem.

 

Otherwise, just go get a job! You can open your own bank account and keep your money, or at least some of it, separate from his. My wife and I have a shared account, as well as our own accounts. We agree on how much we'll each put in the shared account, and it works very well.

 

Why is it a problem that he likes to socialize more than you on weekends? Why do you have to spend your weekend evenings together? Can't he go out with friends while you relax at home?

 

Not everyone loves every second of marriage, but if you hate and regret getting married so strongly for the reasons you've listed, you need to admit that you weren't cut out for it and be considerate enough to let your husband go sooner than later.

miss_jaclynrae Established Member

miss_jaclynrae

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I loved being married, I loved the idea that we were no longer separate but considered one.

 

Granted, things didn't work out. Before things went to ****, we had it down. He was always supportive, as was I.

 

 

 

Marriage doesn't change happiness. It is about the person you are with.

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