Letter to Dumper. Share your thoughts!

[youngbutoldsoul]

My ex of 2 years dumped me three months ago because he was exhausted with our relationship. I am aware of my faults that contributed to his feelings of being under appreciated. We lived together and it's only been less than a month since we moved out. I attempted NC but somehow we both maintain LC. I heard from a few friends that he misses dating and "feels bad" for me although he's accepted he doesn't belong with me because he didn't feel appreciated enough.

 

I wrote a letter below and wanted to get opinions on it. I absolutely would want to take him back in a heartbeat but the underlying intention of writing is to LET HIM KNOW that I love him so dearly and that I truly acknowledge my faults during the course of our relationship and that I am beyond committed to fulfilling his needs. I believe we are so deserving of one another which is why I wrote the letter:

 

Dear [Ex],

 

It's been a long time since we really talked to each other in person. Now that we have moved away, I wanted to send you a letter that you could read without worrying about what I'd say or do after you finish reading. After all, I'm not around anymore.

 

After these years we've been together, I am just as disappointed as you were with how everything happened the way it did. I understand how you felt and agree with what you had to do. I could never have imagined that we'd experience everything we had since the last quarter of our first school year together. As time went on, we grew into strangers. I've never felt so far from you while existing so close by you at the same time. It wasn't an easy period at all for either of us. Yet at the same time, every day that passes consolidated many answers to me. Being disconnected was an opportunity to come to so many realizations that never occurred to me before.

 

I know that we each had hopes and expectations that were not fulfilled in the way we wanted. One of the immediate realizations for me was how we leave the house exponentially more. I notice that we put effort into all the areas of our life that we neglected while we were together. For you, one example might be going out to dances as a liberating activity or spending time with our roommates unlike before. For me, I invested all my effort into building new friendships and learning to manage my emotions, something I didn’t focus on before. While I know we both agree that we had frequent conflicts, it’s also important to recognize many qualities and ways in which we overlap.

 

I accept my consequences. I was completely wrong for damaging it all with my web of lies. I know that I robbed you from being in my life and putting us in the situation we were in. Although we experienced difficult and sad times, you were my everything. I know that the hurtful words I've ever said and the unnecessary temper I couldn't control at times made you feel less than appreciated. I wanted to take the chance to share with you that it was far from the truth.

 

Ever since I met you, I recognized how similar we are as people. I knew from the start that I wanted to earn you rightfully and slowly as a special partner in my life. I believe in the value of words and had waited half a year before I could truthfully tell you I loved you. I remember the first night last summer we finally got to sleep together in the unoccupied bedroom. You laid to my right, as we stared into the darkness of the room, perhaps hearing a scream or two from annoying students from the adjacent dorm buildings. I remember we breathed in relief and gratitude that after all we had gone through back up north, we conquered it all. After dating over a year together, we finally got to share a bed together. You see, one of the qualities we share that I admire so much is our ability to not seek instant gratification like many people. Early on, we were tossed challenges to figure out how to stay together and we worked as team to accomplish those goals. Those countless Google document blueprints of our colleges and future became a reality and led to our life together, a life that we were unable to sustain but unfairly so...

 

I truly believe being together would have been drastically less rocky if 1) we did not move in together and 2) We learned to strike a balance between fun and school. (I believe that if we had made more excuses to go out frequently to events/trips/etc., it would have been beneficial to both our happiness and excitement. Instead, we both confined ourselves indoors and of course that invites more quarrels.

 

I know it was unnecessarily tense and stressful to live together during the school year. I was too wrapped up with my academic performance and the pressure of going to medical school. Beneath the angry person that I became, I had every intention to make your life successful and parallel with mine. I cared very much about you succeeding and sought different ways to make sure we were efficient with time and resources such as cooking large amounts of food for the week so we wouldn't have to eat out or perhaps restricting our budget (terrible idea because we limited ourselves way too much).

 

We all express our appreciation in our own ways. It’s unfortunate that my negativity clouded my truest intentions and made you feel unappreciated. Whether it was an old wallet I noticed you needed replaced, or telling you how thankful I am for you during bedtime as our legs intertwine, or just standing there with a towel and blow-dryer ready to warm you up after your showers during the winter, I found happiness in doing those things for you. I found joy in the small things that were a part of our life.

 

I remember driving through the neighborhoods in your hometown as you were eager to show me your childhood home. We talked about our families and then you told me how much you admired couples during older generations. They were born in a time where if things were broken, they found a way to fix it instead of throwing it away. I know that both of us found in each other traits that Americans today rarely have. Few people appreciate what it means to dedicate enormous amount of time and effort to reach milestones and successes. That quality of possessing delayed gratification is something I believe we both share in common. Our first year together, from applying to colleges together to strategizing and securing a weekly reunion half way between our hometowns, was a remarkable example of true commitment. The circumstances we faced so early contributed to a shaky foundation. How many people out there have to worry about applying to college while facing family opposition after less than 2 months of dating?

 

I became a really unhappy person and I could never be sorry enough for letting that tarnish us. I absolutely wish serious actions were taken to get a third party to help us because being teenagers and starting a life together are one hell of a complicated mix. I don't think moving in was a healthy decision. It’s completely normal to seek others for help to get through challenges and quite honestly, we had our individual support system (such as our respective families) but we didn’t really have a mutual support system, being surrounded by those who care and want us to succeed together. The way I conducted myself many times was not reflective of my character and who I truly am. I am terribly sorry that the drama we experienced pushed you to exhaustion. I know anyone would feel the same way, including myself.

 

I am certain our time apart has made us grown even more as people. My intention to write to you is to share with you my thoughts and perspective. When I think of other people out there, I do not believe there’s anything as authentic and genuine as what we shared. Many people are lustful and selfish at this age, being experts at captivating words and fun, but beyond that, they are incapable of working as a team and pioneering a path towards something meaningful as we had.

 

Unlike virtual apps or other means of meeting people in today’s world, we crossed paths in life without any plan of our own; it is truly a miracle to be brought together in such a way, two people who are capable of creating so much and going so far together. We supported and stuck by one another regardless of what misfortune we faced and through the progress of time, our problems stripped us away of how special what we had was. The milestones we reached were earned with sweat and tears. In life, finding another person who has the capacity to contribute equal or greater effort is rare. We share unique qualities that not many other people possess (especially at this life stage and/or age group) and I believe that to be enough to not have to search elsewhere. I truly miss experiencing life with you. Feelings truly do change and fluctuate and the context of love changes which is why so many pairs fall apart. What it boils down to is dedication. Reinventing happiness is always and absolutely a possibility. I am always eager to make improvements and commit to both of our happiness. I hope writing to you allowed you to gain insight and reinforce the fact that despite a lot of unfair things happening, I truly love you unconditionally. I don’t hold any expectations as I have found true peace knowing that love isn’t about possession nor is it selfish in any way. It never asks and only wishes to give. I don't know where you're going in life but no matter where you go and what you choose to do, I wish nothing but the best for you as that is all I could ask for.

 

Always,

 

[Me]

[flitzanu]

you shouldn't send a post-breakup letter to your ex.

 

if he so truly cared and wanted to be with you he wouldn't have dumped you in the first place...and he would have come back to you and told you all this by now.

[Zahara]

Melodramatic.

 

When one is exhausted with the relationship, it's come to a point where their feelings have dulled down to a drastic level. No turning back.

 

Web of lies, anger, temper, etc...what have you done to work on your issues aside from just revealing you were wrong or are your self-reflections based on motives to get him back.

 

But, if you've "really changed", then say what you said in your intro. "LET HIM KNOW that I love him so dearly and that I truly acknowledge my faults during the course of our relationship and that I am beyond committed to fulfilling his needs. I believe we are so deserving of one another."

 

Short and sweet. If he wants you, that would be enough. No need to sell the possibility of reconciliation with the lengthy melodrama.

[athousandquestions]

I agree with this the other posters.

 

I do not think you should send him this letter. All this shows him is that you're still hung up on him. It's good that you've written it, and have acknowledged these flaws in yourself but the BEST THING YOU CAN DO to show him you've changed is to leave him alone.

 

You said he was exhausted with you, and this is just gonna exhaust/annoy him further. You're going to push him even further away, no matter what your intentions are with this letter it is not going to go the way you think.

 

It will not make you feel better, despite the fact you think right now that it will. It won't. It won't change anything.

 

HE DUMPED YOU. Let him go. GO NC (screw this LC bull****, you're not helping anyone). Let him go!!

[forgetmenot75]

Long and melodramatic. Useless. do not send this.

[Sneaky]

I agree with the rest, don't send it.

[Drseussgrrl]

Men don't respond to long, drawn-out, emotionally-charged walls of text like that.

 

He dumped you. He does not care anymore.

 

I'm sorry and I know it hurts, but don't send him anything, ESPECIALLY nothing that long.

[Chi townD]

Girl, no....no,no,no... Remember, HE dumped YOU! If he was having issues with you he should have come to you with his problems and try to work them out together! That's what couples do in a relationship! There is no such thing as a perfect relationship. You can point out to your friends relationship and say, "AWWW! They look so cute together! They're such a perfect couple!" NOPE!!!! They have their problems too! But, the communcate and work through them.

 

Your boyfriend cut and ran when "He grew tired" of the relationship. Really?!?! Okay.....

 

Let me help you condense that letter that you wrote:

 

Dear Douche Rocket,

 

I'm not perfect, no woman is. And you're a coward for at least not trying. And I don't need you to "feel sorry for me". So, get bent!

 

Hugs and Kisses,

 

youngbutoldsoul

[headsashed]

Big no no on sending that, you will only look desperate,remember, he dumped you so sending that will only make you look desperate etc

[SpiderxMan]

BOREDOM! Thats the cause of you considering sending the letter.

[Tenderheartbear]

I don't want to tell you what to do or what not to do but if it were me I would not send this...like...at all. It's completely up to you though.

[BC1980]

Don't send it. I've made this mistake, sending a farewell email. Total waste of time, and you look foolish doing it. As someone else said, men especially do not respond to these long, drawn out letters.

 

If someone dumped you, the last thing they want is a letter. That will really reinforce why he dumped you in the first place.

[youngbutoldsoul]

Thank you for all the thoughtful responses everyone! i really appreciate it.

 

I came up with this idea because a close friend of mine said my pleading/begging pushed him away and if I want to communicate my feelings to him, the best way is to send a letter so I can convey my message without actually being there. My friend said it's even more meaningful/personal to handwrite it so I took hours writing this letter....or umm...should I say bible? haha! While I won't be sending this, how can I explain to him that I acknowledge all fair share of faults and that I truly appreciated him without taking this course of action?

[crissy2157]

Honestly, I don't see this making you look desperate or foolish. I myself have sent a message like this before. Some men are capable of dealing with emotional things like this, you just have to really ask yourself how you see him reacting. I contemplated sending mine for days and days, and then decided to do it because I knew him well enough to know how he would most likely take it. I was correct in my assumptions, but I will admit that it could have gone horribly.

 

However, if you are going to send it, I would tone it down just a bit. It's good that you can admit your fault, but you don't need to send something with a tone of "everything was on me!", because that's kind of what I'm getting from this. He already knows you messed up if you did. Don't drag that out so much. Focus more on the reasons behind you screwing up, and focus even more on how you have improved or are working to improve those things.

 

If you are willing to take the chance, if you think it might help and you know him well enough to know how he might react, then send it. If not, put it in an envelope, stick it in a drawer, and think of it as a 'getting it all out for closure' type thing.

Edited July 4, 2013 by crissy2157
typos.

[athousandquestions]

Honestly I do not think you should say anything.

 

Give it a few months of NC. Set a date, like September 28th or something, and wait until that day. You may have completely forgotten about it by then.

 

If you haven't and you STILL want to contact him, and still want to portray this message, send him a short but sweet text as was mentioned above.

 

Anything handwritten, any letter, any contact whatsoever right now will make you look like you are begging and push him away. Serious NC will put you in a better place to decide if you wish to send this.

 

 

Edit: To respond to Crissy2157, I agree to an extent but I think you should for sure tone it down. On top of that, if you do want to talk about how you've improved - not much change can occur in 3 months! This is more reason to wait just a few months longer, in order to be able to actually prove the fact you have changed.

[Tenderheartbear]

I'll tell you what my therapist told me...I asked my therapist if I should write a letter or talk to my ex because I felt I had so much in my head and heart. My therapist told me to write what I wanted to say and read it over and over again. After I did that I knew I couldn't talk to him or write him anything because what I wrote was just...confusing as heck. Lord knows what he would have thought. I saved myself a world of humiliation.

 

A lot of people on this site preach NC...heck...I'm in the process of it now. If you are fixated on giving him this information, then maybe talk to him directly about it if he's open to it.

[youngbutoldsoul]

Honestly I do not think you should say anything.

 

Give it a few months of NC. Set a date, like September 28th or something, and wait until that day. You may have completely forgotten about it by then.

 

If you haven't and you STILL want to contact him, and still want to portray this message, send him a short but sweet text as was mentioned above.

 

Anything handwritten, any letter, any contact whatsoever right now will make you look like you are begging and push him away. Serious NC will put you in a better place to decide if you wish to send this.

 

 

Edit: To respond to Crissy2157, I agree to an extent but I think you should for sure tone it down. On top of that, if you do want to talk about how you've improved - not much change can occur in 3 months! This is more reason to wait just a few months longer, in order to be able to actually prove the fact you have changed.

 

I totally agree that with more time, my improvements would be taken more seriously. Yet at the same time, more time would also risk him having moved on with someone else, no?

[Chi townD]

Begging and pleading makes you look weak. Believe it or not, most guys want a strong and independent woman. A girl that WANTS to be with a man rather than NEEDS to be with a man. BIG DIFFERENCE!

 

Look, you have to start living your life for you. You need to start making positive changes in your life and stop chasing this dude. Right now, he views you as a lost little puppy. And to tell you the truth, each time you chase him, you give him an ego boost. "Poor girl, she just can't get over me!" He even said to a friend that "he feels sorry for you". That means he pities you! Do you want him to pity you?

 

So, you need to make positive changes in your life. First! Get a new hairstyle, something people will notice and like. Then you need to buy new clothes, hot but tasteful. You want people to say, "Damn girl! You are looking FINE!" This will help your self esteem.

 

Then get to a gym and work your butt off. Run your ass off on the treadmill and push some weight. Join a Zumba class or a Spin class. This will help you work off that stress and frustrations that you're having. AND! You'll be work towards that rock hard, sexy bod! This will also help your self esteem when you're walking by in the gym and you catch young buff guys stealing a peek at that tight, firm little butt in your yoga pants!

 

Then, go back to school and get that degree. If you already have your Bachelor's then get your Masters. Keep your mind on your school work and not on what he's doing. A higher education will only open more doors for you with better financial opportunities. So, you can afford that cute little townehouse in that quite little neighborhood and you can afford that nice, sweet little car that you've always wanted.

 

Then, get new hobbies!!! Join a running club, community theater, co-ed sports, diving lessons, cycling club....KEEP BUSY!!! Get out there and be a part of something! Meet new people! GET INVOLVED!!!!

 

Finally, TRAVEL! Go see the world! It's a BIG place and once your out there, you'll realize that the world is a great place with a lot of adventures and YOUR EX ISN'T YOUR WORLD!! So, pick a place that you've always wanted to go, plan and save; take a girlfriend with you and GO!! Have an adventure! Decompress and re-energize!

 

Then, maybe one day your Ex will realize that you aren't chasing him anymore and he'll look into what your doing. Wouldn't it be nice to know that he viewed your Facebook profile and see's a pic of you standing in ankle deep in water on the beach in the Bahamas', wearing a little red bikini with a rock hard bod. Tight and flat abs showing a hint of a six pack. Smiling at the camera and holding a Margarita? He may say to himself "Damn! She looks hot! She also looks happy. I guess she doesn't NEED me anymore...."

 

That's how you get your revenge. Lead a damn good life. And say to yourself, "You know what? HIS LOSS!!!!"

[Simon Phoenix]

I totally agree that with more time, my improvements would be taken more seriously. Yet at the same time, more time would also risk him having moved on with someone else, no?

 

He's already moved on. He dumped you. More time can only help you. Your thought process is based completely on fear and will make you look like a clingy, overbearing, irrational mess if you contact him right now. Time is your friend, not your enemy.

 

Your thought process right now is bad. Worrying about him with someone else is the last thing you should be doing.

[JO101]

Sorry I only read the start of your letter but please take my advice and do NOT send it! Everything you said at the start that you've accepted it and all that is what you need to say but only if he contacts you first! Sending that and harping on about what didn't work only shows you have not accepted it! And I promise nothing is more of a turn off to man than having to read a whole book on your feelings for him and the relationship! He won't read it the way you want him to and he won't feel what you want him to feel when he reads it this will further ruin your chances of a reconciliation. The no contact rule is there for a reason and if he doesn't miss you and come back he's not worth waiting for. That letter is far to long. If you want a guy back you have to remind them of the good and the good only and keep it short and sweet google male psychology and how to push a mans hot buttons! Desperation is unattractive you need to be happy and confident in yourself to get this mans attention. Stay No contact! Stay strong!

[BC1980]

Are you telling him something he doesn't already know in the letter? I think you are bringing up negative things if the past. The truth is that he has already written the story of your breakup in his head, and he lived it. I'm sure he will be unmoved and probably won't care too much about the letter. Especially because it's too long for one thing.

 

Writing these letters is generally just a really bad idea for most people. It makes it look like you are stuck in the past.

[athousandquestions]

I totally agree that with more time, my improvements would be taken more seriously. Yet at the same time, more time would also risk him having moved on with someone else, no?

 

 

I completely agree with what Simon said above, and to add to that.

 

If you really think that in time, his love for you would falter - than he is NOT THE MAN YOU WANT TO BE WITH. Real love is unfaltering. Real love does not just "forget" because a few months has gone by.

 

Edit: the fact that you are afraid of him moving on should show you exactly why you are not in a place to contact him or send him any kind of letter.

[youngbutoldsoul]

Begging and pleading makes you look weak. Believe it or not, most guys want a strong and independent woman. A girl that WANTS to be with a man rather than NEEDS to be with a man. BIG DIFFERENCE!

 

Look, you have to start living your life for you. You need to start making positive changes in your life and stop chasing this dude. Right now, he views you as a lost little puppy. And to tell you the truth, each time you chase him, you give him an ego boost. "Poor girl, she just can't get over me!" He even said to a friend that "he feels sorry for you". That means he pities you! Do you want him to pity you?

 

So, you need to make positive changes in your life. First! Get a new hairstyle, something people will notice and like. Then you need to buy new clothes, hot but tasteful. You want people to say, "Damn girl! You are looking FINE!" This will help your self esteem.

 

Then get to a gym and work your butt off. Run your ass off on the treadmill and push some weight. Join a Zumba class or a Spin class. This will help you work off that stress and frustrations that you're having. AND! You'll be work towards that rock hard, sexy bod! This will also help your self esteem when you're walking by in the gym and you catch young buff guys stealing a peek at that tight, firm little butt in your yoga pants!

 

Then, go back to school and get that degree. If you already have your Bachelor's then get your Masters. Keep your mind on your school work and not on what he's doing. A higher education will only open more doors for you with better financial opportunities. So, you can afford that cute little townehouse in that quite little neighborhood and you can afford that nice, sweet little car that you've always wanted.

 

Then, get new hobbies!!! Join a running club, community theater, co-ed sports, diving lessons, cycling club....KEEP BUSY!!! Get out there and be a part of something! Meet new people! GET INVOLVED!!!!

 

Finally, TRAVEL! Go see the world! It's a BIG place and once your out there, you'll realize that the world is a great place with a lot of adventures and YOUR EX ISN'T YOUR WORLD!! So, pick a place that you've always wanted to go, plan and save; take a girlfriend with you and GO!! Have an adventure! Decompress and re-energize!

 

Then, maybe one day your Ex will realize that you aren't chasing him anymore and he'll look into what your doing. Wouldn't it be nice to know that he viewed your Facebook profile and see's a pic of you standing in ankle deep in water on the beach in the Bahamas', wearing a little red bikini with a rock hard bod. Tight and flat abs showing a hint of a six pack. Smiling at the camera and holding a Margarita? He may say to himself "Damn! She looks hot! She also looks happy. I guess she doesn't NEED me anymore...."

 

That's how you get your revenge. Lead a damn good life. And say to yourself, "You know what? HIS LOSS!!!!"

 

You inspired me to be more imaginative and that I should be focusing only on myself, thank you so much!

[youngbutoldsoul]

Are you telling him something he doesn't already know in the letter? I think you are bringing up negative things if the past. The truth is that he has already written the story of your breakup in his head, and he lived it. I'm sure he will be unmoved and probably won't care too much about the letter. Especially because it's too long for one thing.

 

Writing these letters is generally just a really bad idea for most people. It makes it look like you are stuck in the past.

 

You mentioned the reality that I wasn't strong enough to face. I don't think I wrote anything insightful in the letter, something he doesn't already know, other than descriptively re-telling our story and reinforcing my love for him (which I have already attempted to show in awful ways: begging, buying gifts, etc.). I think hearing from a mutual friend that he misses dating someone genuine tugged my heart strings enough for me to handwrite the 5-page-essay to him......

 

I haven't already mentioned but after our breakup, he's already done the following:

 

-Given me the cold shoulder when we lived in the same apartment

-Stared coldly at me while I cried after coming home from being hospitalized

-The WORST experience: I come home one morning in our bedroom and surprise surprise, a stranger was sitting in his bed using MY pillows. She introduced herself as his "friend". I was beyond petrified and simply said my name and left the house. He apologized for bringing her over and I said "k" as I wasn't ready to deal with more drama at the time

-He's already blatantly told me to: 1) let go of our old memories and embrace a new chapter in our lives 2) He doesn't want to ever be with me again....

 

I know it should be enough for me to pull myself together and keep walking forward but since I'm his first love, I got to experience that kind of love thats never been hurt and it's painful to let go of the innocent/dedicated/whole-heartedly-invested him that I knew.

[BC1980]

He has told you blatantly that he does not want to be with you. False hope does not change the truth. Sending this letter will make you look more pitiful in his eyes and reinforce why he doesn't want to be with you. No man wants to be with a woman who would lower herself to sending a letter when he has so obviously conveyed he does not want to be with you. Frankly, it's beneath you to send this letter. It's beneath you to beg. No one should have to beg someone to be with them.

 

This is all very painful. Everyone here has been through this, but sending this letter is going to hurt you so much worse. Listen to most of the posters who are saying move on, and don't send this letter. Do you know why we say this? Because we have done similarly foolish things in the past and are now embarrassed by our actions. You can only control your actions. If he wants to walk away, he has free will to do so. It's just a part of life that everyone has to go through, usually multiple times. Heartbreak is always a possibility if you open up to someone, and clinging to this false hope will not bring him back.