Clemenza Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 Here's some very brief background. I'm a fOM who had an A with a MW in the office. The A lasted about a year, and ended a couple of months ago. There was a D-day in December, but we went underground with a mostly EA until it ended. They were living apart almost all of January through May. She and her H started MC in either late-April or early May. The last time she and I had sex was maybe a week or two AFTER they started MC. After which I told her I didn't want to continue sneaking around if she's working on her M. We decided to go LC, since NC was almost impossible due to working in the same office. But the idea was that it would only be work-related contact. There have been a few times since then when I've broken down and initiated contact, but I've really been trying to just respect whatever boundaries she needs. I'm getting better. I've also been working from home for the past month, too. For someone who is in MC, and apparently trying to fix things, she has contacted me quite a bit. Sometimes it's been to ask me if I'm doing ok. Other times it's just to share something she thought was funny. And a few times it was to ask me when I'll be back in the office. I, I'm sure you'll say foolishly, returned her texts. Last week, she asked me if it would be easier for me to be in the office if she wasn't there. She said she's in and out a lot, anyway. This was the 3rd or 4th time she brought up me going back to the office that week, so I just decided we needed to talk. We talked on the phone for about 30 minutes. I told her that I can't be around while she's trying to reconcile. I said I still love her, and would do anything for her, but it hurts too much to be in that environment. When I told her how I still felt about her, she said something like "There are a lot of things I want to say to you about that, but I can't. But you know me well, and you know what's in my heart. I just can't say anything." I understood and didn't push anything. Near the end of our conversation, she said that she wants to reply to everything that I told her at some point. She said she needs to organize her thoughts, but she wants to talk to me again about it soon. I said that's fine. What I'm wondering is, does this sound like the behavior of a MW who is into the reconciliation? If you're the BS, how would you feel if your W was having this type of contact with her AP? I'm just genuinely curious. I'm currently in IC, and have made great strides toward being ok with not being with her. I'm more at peace now than I have been in months. I'm just very analytical, and this stuff fascinates me. Why would she keep having contact with me, and be willing to have conversations about "us," if she was in MC to reconcile? I'm not trying to sound above it all, as I realize I've made plenty of missteps on my end. I hope it doesn't come across like that. Thanks, everyone.
Owl Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 It sounds to me like a married woman who wants to resume her affair. It doesn't mean that she loves you. Doesn't mean that she doesn't want to reconcile with him. It means that she wants to go back to having you AND him meet different aspects of her needs as she had before d-day. The REAL question here is...what are YOU going to do in light of this? 3
Author Clemenza Posted July 3, 2013 Author Posted July 3, 2013 It sounds to me like a married woman who wants to resume her affair. It doesn't mean that she loves you. Doesn't mean that she doesn't want to reconcile with him. It means that she wants to go back to having you AND him meet different aspects of her needs as she had before d-day. The REAL question here is...what are YOU going to do in light of this? I am NOT getting back into an A with her, so I guess that would be me doing nothing. Actually, no. What I'm going to do is what I've been doing. Focusing on myself and my happiness, and putting myself out there to meet new people in the process. I'm in a MUCH better place than I was a month ago or so, and I will continue on that path. I do think she loves me, but that doesn't matter as long as she's still in her M. If she wants to resume the A, she's out of luck. 2
Owl Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 I am NOT getting back into an A with her, so I guess that would be me doing nothing. Actually, no. What I'm going to do is what I've been doing. Focusing on myself and my happiness, and putting myself out there to meet new people in the process. I'm in a MUCH better place than I was a month ago or so, and I will continue on that path. I do think she loves me, but that doesn't matter as long as she's still in her M. If she wants to resume the A, she's out of luck. Now THIS sounds like a gameplan. I wish you the best of luck. You've got the right mindset...keep that, and you'll do well.
anne1707 Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 fWS here who still works with the exOM. Owl said it all really. She is looking after herself, not you, not her husband. She is giving you lines trying to reel you back into the affair and if you respond to her, even if to say "no" then you are feeding her cake eating behaviour.
MissBee Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 She isn't all into her reconciliation...obviously. Still cake-eating...i.e. trying to maintain two incompatible things at the same time, her marriage and you on the side. I'd really go into NC and only talk about work-related things. I've been where you are, albeit it wasn't an affair, and one thing which keeps you stuck is looking for a sign and analyzing every move this person makes with the hope it means something important about you. Lots of people take this shady behavior or an ex not leaving them alone to be about "true love" and about them...yes they may "love you" but frankly, unless she decides to be with you and stop pretending to reconcile, then she's wasting your time, her husband's time and the counselor's time. Don't buy movie tickets to her life.You're still involved with her Clemenza. Strict NC and only communicate on a need-to basis.
Sooverhim Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 Hi Clemenza! It sounds to me that she wants to keep all her options open, she wants to keep her M going ... that's safe, secure, what she knows and where she is comfortable. She is doing MC with her H to improve her M and make herself and her H happy. On the other hand she also wants you in her life, she is communicating with you because she is still in an EA with you and she may well be contemplating turning things into a PA at some point. She enjoys how you make her feel, the ego-stroking, it gives her a buzz, she may love you, she may love her H. She wants to still have her M and still have a relationship with you - she wants it all!
Breathless Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 I agree with Owl. It sounds like she has genuine feelings and cares for you deeply. But it also sounds like what little contact you have with her is making it harder for her to let go of you. She doesn't really know what life would be without you - so her emotions are always heightened and she is perpetually in that "withdrawl" stage. She is exactly where she was before DDay, loving her BH and being in love with you...nothing is forcing her to make a choice. I guess I am lucky in a way - day after DDay, xMM and I went NC and my BH moved out. I texted xMM to see if he was ok...he never responded and I never tried contacting him again. I didn't speak to my BH for over a month (only via family and attorneys). I lost them both. But being alone helped me see my ugly reality and I was able to make a decision and chase after it with all my heart!!!!!
Author Clemenza Posted July 3, 2013 Author Posted July 3, 2013 I'd really go into NC and only talk about work-related things. I've been where you are, albeit it wasn't an affair, and one thing which keeps you stuck is looking for a sign and analyzing every move this person makes with the hope it means something important about you. Lots of people take this shady behavior or an ex not leaving them alone to be about "true love" and about them...yes they may "love you" but frankly, unless she decides to be with you and stop pretending to reconcile, then she's wasting your time, her husband's time and the counselor's time. Thank you, everyone, for the well-thought-out responses. I'd definitely like to address this paragraph. You bring up a great point. I think there's a huge part of me that enjoys the ego stroke of her contacting me. I do like to know that there's something important about me that makes someone want to talk to me. I'm working on that in IC, heh. I think I justify my replies to her by latching on to the shifts I'm noticing within myself. Before, as she was keeping in contact with me, I would really cling on to it and hope it meant we could be together. It would send me into a crazy spiral of anxiety. Now, when I get texts like that from her, I just sort of chuckle and shake my head. And I know this sounds weird for an OM to say now, but I feel sorry for her H in a way. I don't think he has any idea that she's contacting me, or has any idea about just how much of a relationship she and I had. She and I talked on the phone on Thursday last week, and there's been NC since then. I have no intention of contacting her, so that's a start I guess. I'm obviously not handling this 100% perfectly, but I'm happy about the strides I've made. I've just always been fascinated by people in general, and why they do the things they do. So much of this thread comes from that angle and not necessarily "I hope this means we can be together!" You know?
HopingAgain Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 She's cakeeating, she wants you and her husband. The fact that she's still pursuing you while in MC with her BS is very telling. She's very selfish and manipulative and will think nothing of steamrolling over your life to get her desires met. It sounds like you have a good, strong attitude towards having NC with her. Keep that up! Really focus on your life and let her figure her life out on her own.
MissBee Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 Thank you, everyone, for the well-thought-out responses. I'd definitely like to address this paragraph. You bring up a great point. I think there's a huge part of me that enjoys the ego stroke of her contacting me. I do like to know that there's something important about me that makes someone want to talk to me. I'm working on that in IC, heh. I think I justify my replies to her by latching on to the shifts I'm noticing within myself. Before, as she was keeping in contact with me, I would really cling on to it and hope it meant we could be together. It would send me into a crazy spiral of anxiety. Now, when I get texts like that from her, I just sort of chuckle and shake my head. And I know this sounds weird for an OM to say now, but I feel sorry for her H in a way. I don't think he has any idea that she's contacting me, or has any idea about just how much of a relationship she and I had. She and I talked on the phone on Thursday last week, and there's been NC since then. I have no intention of contacting her, so that's a start I guess. I'm obviously not handling this 100% perfectly, but I'm happy about the strides I've made. I've just always been fascinated by people in general, and why they do the things they do. So much of this thread comes from that angle and not necessarily "I hope this means we can be together!" You know? I can relate. No shame in admitting it. Every time someone posts a question about why their exbf/gf exMW/MM is contacting them and what it means, I'm like: because you answer and care why. Simple. If you totally ignored them they would eventually grow tired. But it's a 2-way ego stroke. The person contacting is happy to be important and still worthy of a response and are comforted that you haven't moved on and the person being contacted also feels the same, no matter how they claim they're moving on . Reminds me of a past thread about waiting/not waiting. Essentially...when you respond, report about this person's life or pride yourself on being so important because they still contact you, it keeps you emotionally stuck and waiting. It's very hard to move on when you leave that door open and when you spend time analyzing them. NC is the only way to really stop being a spectator or participant in their life and to stop feeding your ego with their lackluster attention and declarations of love and for you to stop feeding theirs. Many cake-eaters live off that alone. They are completely fine with having their spouse and at least knowing their AP is still available, should they want them. Hence, having an AP can make cake-eaters stay in their marriage, as they have that security of marriage and can pretend to reconcile, as they know they have their AP who will be there and yes, you say you won't, but in her mind, the fact that you still make time for her to talk, she feels like she can eventually soften you up for more....and she may be right. I know for me, such was the case. I would be in LC and act like I had it all under control....but he wormed his way in over time to the point I met up with him and kissed him smh. So much for showing him. After that, nothing changed. I'm sure he was satisfied and content that he still "had me" and continued on as always, while I was the one still hoping that things would change. NC is a win win, although it doesn't always feel that way. The MW KNOWS you love her and would be with her, so long as she leaves her spouse and can provide the relationship you want. She KNOWS what to do and can choose to do it....or not. You don't have to remind her. With NC it helps you to stop hurting yourself and get off the hamster wheel and stop being dependent on her ego strokes and if she decides to stay married, with NC, over time you won't care as you're well down the road of healing and if she does decide to leave, you have enough distance to take things in stride when she shows up with evidence of REAL change.
Ninja'sHusband Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 The answer is you should go NC...but really she should transfer or quit. It's up to her to prove herself to her husband. You quitting or transferring would work as well probably, but not as well as if it was her initiative and sacrifice. My entrance to this site was from the position of the the BH in your triangle. We ended up divorcing because they wouldn't go NC. Have a look at my thread and how much I struggled with it: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/314134-boundary-setting-question NC is just respectful, gives the BS peace of mind to some degree, clears temptation for you guys, on and on.
Zenstudent Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 Sounds like a false R to me. Cake-eating and power games. You can easily stop it by telling her H about the communication :-)
JustAReformedGirl Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 What I'm wondering is, does this sound like the behavior of a MW who is into the reconciliation? IMO, no. It doesn't sound like her heart is really into reconciling. Could she be going through MC for other reasons? Children, stability, etc.? Because it really doesn't sound like she's reconciling for love of her husband-unless she feels so guilty, she wants to at least say she honestly tried...though that would be difficult, since she's more interested in checking up on you. If you're the BS, how would you feel if your W was having this type of contact with her AP? I'm just genuinely curious. If I was the BS, and I knew about it? I'd be hurt, confused, and probably very irritated. But that kind of begs the question; does her H know she's been contacting you? I get the feeling he doesn't. I'm currently in IC, and have made great strides toward being ok with not being with her. I'm more at peace now than I have been in months. I'm just very analytical, and this stuff fascinates me. Why would she keep having contact with me, and be willing to have conversations about "us," if she was in MC to reconcile? Because she's in denial. That's just my guess; she's not wholeheartedly into MC. For whatever reason she decided to do it, it's not enough for her to really want to stay. How do you feel, is the question? You say you're coming to terms with the way things are...but clearly, you still feel very strongly about her. Are you married as well? (Sorry, my thoughts are all over the place, so I don't remember if you are, or not).Whatever is going on with her though, I advise caution. Right now she sounds very conflicted. That conflict could cause you more hurt, if you allow yourself to be vulnerable again. Wait and see what she has to say, though. Perhaps whatever she tells you will give you more input than any of us can. I can only speculate...perhaps the MC isn't working, or she's had a change of heart. Again, use caution.
Author Clemenza Posted July 3, 2013 Author Posted July 3, 2013 (edited) Rebel-Dynasty wondered why my xMW might be in MC. When she told me she was in MC a couple of months ago, she said that she never thought she would get a chance to be with me because I was unsure around that time if it could work between us. I had told her in April that, ideally, I would love to be with her but I didn't know if it would really work out with all the overlying factors. But I did want to explore it when she became single. She said that after convincing herself we would never be together, she took everyone's advice and sought MC. She expressed a fear of not being financially stable when the dust settles. She has also maintained that she would have left already if they didn't have a kid. During that talk two months ago, she told me she was trying to find a way to make sure her daughter is provided for and happy while doing what makes her happy. Again, this is just what she told me and that's all I have to go off of. Whatever the reasons, the fact is that she's not single and is in MC (I assume they're still in MC, anyway). I'm trying to proceed like we'll never be together. I'm fine with that prospect, honestly. I just want happiness for her with whatever path she chooses. I know I'll be ok. Oh yeah, RD, I'm single. I was single throughout the A. As a single man, I'm putting an emphasis on meeting new people. Over the past couple of weeks, I've spent a lot of time with someone. I'm taking it slowly, as I don't even know what "it" is yet. Just enjoying her company is all. It's been nice to re-establish that I can be charming and a good conversationalist. And I do have a lot to offer to an available woman. Edited July 3, 2013 by Clemenza
JustAReformedGirl Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 Rebel-Dynasty wondered why my xMW might be in MC. When she told me she was in MC a couple of months ago, she said that she never thought she would get a chance to be with me because I was unsure around that time if it could work between us. I had told her in April that, ideally, I would love to be with her but I didn't know if it would really work out with all the overlying factors. But I did want to explore it when she became single. She said that after convincing herself we would never be together, she took everyone's advice and sought MC. I think I felt my heart break a little, for your situation. What she told you-if it still is as true today as it was a few months ago-really seems to be the only reason she's in MC. While following the advice she was given could have been beneficial, it only would be if her heart had actually been into it. It sounds like she's only doing MC because she felt she had no other choice. I feel bad for her husband in that regard, but she can't help how she feels. Her actions, though...she's somewhat jerking you around at the same time. I doubt she even realizes it. For the record, I believe she does care for you deeply. She has also maintained that she would have left already if they didn't have a kid. During that talk two months ago, she told me she was trying to find a way to make sure her daughter is provided for and happy while doing what makes her happy. Something tells me there is more emphasis on doing what's right for her daughter, than on what's right for her. Again, this is just what she told me and that's all I have to go off of. Whatever the reasons, the fact is that she's not single and is in MC (I assume they're still in MC, anyway). And while she's doing that, you won't take part in anything. Kudos to you, though I'm sorry, since I have no doubt it's hurting you a great deal, whatever personal progress you've made. Oh yeah, RD, I'm single. I was single throughout the A. As a single man, I'm putting an emphasis on meeting new people. Over the past couple of weeks, I've spent a lot of time with someone. I'm taking it slowly, as I don't even know what "it" is yet. Just enjoying her company is all. It's been nice to re-establish that I can be charming and a good conversationalist. And I do have a lot to offer to an available woman. Major kudos to you, then. But, I have to play Devil's Advocate here: what should happen, if MOW does call it quits with her husband, and finalizes a divorce? Will you continue on your slow and steady path in the world of dating? Or will you give her another chance? That's a big if, mind you.
Author Clemenza Posted July 4, 2013 Author Posted July 4, 2013 Thinking that she may not be reconciling and in MC for the right reasons breaks my heart. If I knew that she genuinely loved her H and wanted to work it out because of him, I would be sad but I would ultimately be happy for her. Most people deserve happiness, even if it doesn't fit my wants. She no exception. I've told her that I would rather her be happy without me than be confused and unsure with me. I 100% feel that way. I'll be good no matter what, but I want her to be ok too. I've never felt that much care for anyone outside of my immediate family, and it can be overwhelming. What would happen if she calls it quits and finalizes a divorce? I guess that depends. If I'm serious with someone else, I would hope that I would not entertain the idea of pursuing something with xMW. Being serious with someone seems so far off, though. Much of that is I don't often find myself in serious relationships, so I'm just thinking of the odds. If I'm doing what I'm doing now and just sort of meeting people with few expectations, I think I would meet up with xMW and discuss the possibility of dating. See how realistic it would be, and discuss any hurdles. I'm a cerebral person, and would want to approach it as such. Great question. By the way, I apologize if this thread doesn't fit this specific sub-forum anymore. I really have enjoyed everyone's contributions.
compulsivedancer Posted July 4, 2013 Posted July 4, 2013 Rebel, I disagree. Until recently I'd've loved to talk to my xAP. I'd love to have validation from him, and at one point I desperately thought I needed him to tell me that he felt something for me, that it wasn't just sex (even though we agreed going into it that it'd just be sex!). But at no time did I ever think I really wanted to be with him. Oh, sometimes I'd fantasize about it, but never in my heart of hearts did I EVER think it was possible, or even truly desirable. In fact, even if my husband decided to D, I doubt I'd ever go back to him (maybe for a quick lay, if I was really hating myself that day). What I wanted was selfish. I was only about ME. I wanted him to tell me he loved me, wanted me and needed me, so that i would feel desirable! I even fantasized about him begging me to come back, so I could tell him no! Obviously your situation is a little different, but if she REALLY wanted to be with you, she probably would've made it happen. Like she made the affair happen! She's just looking for her "fix" from you. Even if she got a D and the two of you tried to date, the fog would probably lift pretty quickly, for both of you. An affair is NOT a real relationship. And if you've been working on YOU in IC, you may find that you're not even interested in her and all of the baggage that goes along with her. 1
JustAReformedGirl Posted July 4, 2013 Posted July 4, 2013 Thinking that she may not be reconciling and in MC for the right reasons breaks my heart. If I knew that she genuinely loved her H and wanted to work it out because of him, I would be sad but I would ultimately be happy for her. Most people deserve happiness, even if it doesn't fit my wants. She no exception. I've told her that I would rather her be happy without me than be confused and unsure with me. I 100% feel that way. I'll be good no matter what, but I want her to be ok too. I've never felt that much care for anyone outside of my immediate family, and it can be overwhelming. You sound like a very kind-hearted person, Clemenza. What would happen if she calls it quits and finalizes a divorce? I guess that depends. If I'm serious with someone else, I would hope that I would not entertain the idea of pursuing something with xMW. Being serious with someone seems so far off, though. Much of that is I don't often find myself in serious relationships, so I'm just thinking of the odds. If I'm doing what I'm doing now and just sort of meeting people with few expectations, I think I would meet up with xMW and discuss the possibility of dating. See how realistic it would be, and discuss any hurdles. I'm a cerebral person, and would want to approach it as such. Great question. Great answer, as well. As long as the people you might be casually dating aren't being led on if/when xMW comes to you, then I see nothing wrong. It's also good that you're not just sitting on your haunches, waiting for her. You need to live your life too, and I'm sure she understands that. Whatever happens, I hope you will be happy, in the long run. 1
JustAReformedGirl Posted July 4, 2013 Posted July 4, 2013 Rebel, I disagree. Until recently I'd've loved to talk to my xAP. I'd love to have validation from him, and at one point I desperately thought I needed him to tell me that he felt something for me, that it wasn't just sex (even though we agreed going into it that it'd just be sex!). But at no time did I ever think I really wanted to be with him. Oh, sometimes I'd fantasize about it, but never in my heart of hearts did I EVER think it was possible, or even truly desirable. In fact, even if my husband decided to D, I doubt I'd ever go back to him (maybe for a quick lay, if I was really hating myself that day). What I wanted was selfish. I was only about ME. I wanted him to tell me he loved me, wanted me and needed me, so that i would feel desirable! I even fantasized about him begging me to come back, so I could tell him no! Obviously your situation is a little different, but if she REALLY wanted to be with you, she probably would've made it happen. Like she made the affair happen! She's just looking for her "fix" from you. Even if she got a D and the two of you tried to date, the fog would probably lift pretty quickly, for both of you. An affair is NOT a real relationship. And if you've been working on YOU in IC, you may find that you're not even interested in her and all of the baggage that goes along with her. Feel free to disagree; I was merely throwing in my interpretation of things. I didn't advise him to go one way, or the other. I asked him what he wants to do, if the event were ever to arise. By that same token, I don't fully agree with the fog thing; true, many affairs may revolve around an illusion-but there are those that can and have become the real thing (once they ceased to be affairs, naturally). In any case, we all speak from where we come from, and from what we see or think. I won't ask you to change your mind, anymore than you will ask me to. 1
Author Clemenza Posted July 4, 2013 Author Posted July 4, 2013 (edited) Rebel, I disagree. Until recently I'd've loved to talk to my xAP. I'd love to have validation from him, and at one point I desperately thought I needed him to tell me that he felt something for me, that it wasn't just sex (even though we agreed going into it that it'd just be sex!). But at no time did I ever think I really wanted to be with him. Oh, sometimes I'd fantasize about it, but never in my heart of hearts did I EVER think it was possible, or even truly desirable. In fact, even if my husband decided to D, I doubt I'd ever go back to him (maybe for a quick lay, if I was really hating myself that day). What I wanted was selfish. I was only about ME. I wanted him to tell me he loved me, wanted me and needed me, so that i would feel desirable! I even fantasized about him begging me to come back, so I could tell him no! Obviously your situation is a little different, but if she REALLY wanted to be with you, she probably would've made it happen. Like she made the affair happen! She's just looking for her "fix" from you. Even if she got a D and the two of you tried to date, the fog would probably lift pretty quickly, for both of you. An affair is NOT a real relationship. And if you've been working on YOU in IC, you may find that you're not even interested in her and all of the baggage that goes along with her. You're exactly right, here. I know it's quite possible I won't want to be with her as I move through my IC. She told me in April that she wanted to be with me, but I wasn't ready to go all in then as I thought it would have been a hasty move to make. I didn't want her to choose me over him. I wanted to know that she examined her M independent of her feelings about me. In March, she never gave me a straight-up answer when I outright asked her a few times where she was in the divorce process. That made me feel uneasy. Like she was trying to hedge her bets or something. In hindsight, I was probably right for not just saying yes right away. If she was ready to leave the M, she would have left it regardless of whether I felt ready to be with her at the time. I was able to take a fairly pragmatic approach then, even though I was very much in love with her, and I'm confident I could take one should RD's scenario arise. Thank you for your perspective. Edited July 4, 2013 by Clemenza 1
JustAReformedGirl Posted July 4, 2013 Posted July 4, 2013 Just wanted to throw this out there (I'll be so happy when I can PM, lol) I hope you didn't take offense to my reply, Compulsive. I wasn't trying to be rude, so I hope it didn't read that way. Your POV is as valid as mine, and I know that. Clemenza, I wish you great progress in IC, and may your future be bright, whatever it holds. 1
Praying4Peace Posted July 4, 2013 Posted July 4, 2013 Sounds like everything she is doing is out of fear. Fear that she'll regret it if she doesn't go to MC and see if she can rekindle everything with her H (I honestly think that people give MC's too much power...they can guide you but there's no magic wand, you have to do the hard work...and her contacting you is not doing the hard work). She also has the fear that she will lose the person she loves (you). She fears what will happen to her daughter if she makes the wrong decision. It's all about fear, and fear of what will happen to her. If she would remove all that fear from her mind and also realize that there are other living, breathing human beings in the equation who deserve honestly and integrity and also may fear that they are throwing away their lives, well then she'd be on her way to getting her act together. I'm not blaming her for feeling the way she is, but she needs to go to IC not MC. 1
Author Clemenza Posted July 4, 2013 Author Posted July 4, 2013 Clemenza, I wish you great progress in IC, and may your future be bright, whatever it holds. Thank you, RD. I'm certainly trying. I appreciate your support and honest feedback. It's all about fear, and fear of what will happen to her. If she would remove all that fear from her mind and also realize that there are other living, breathing human beings in the equation who deserve honestly and integrity and also may fear that they are throwing away their lives, well then she'd be on her way to getting her act together. I'm not blaming her for feeling the way she is, but she needs to go to IC not MC. From my perspective, I agree with you. I think it is fear that is keeping her in limbo. Two months ago, she told me she was also in IC. And I think she'd been going to IC since maybe shortly after D-day in December. I have no clue if she's continued going, but I hope she is. 1
underwater2010 Posted July 4, 2013 Posted July 4, 2013 Here's some very brief background. I'm a fOM who had an A with a MW in the office. The A lasted about a year, and ended a couple of months ago. There was a D-day in December, but we went underground with a mostly EA until it ended. They were living apart almost all of January through May. She and her H started MC in either late-April or early May. The last time she and I had sex was maybe a week or two AFTER they started MC. After which I told her I didn't want to continue sneaking around if she's working on her M. We decided to go LC, since NC was almost impossible due to working in the same office. But the idea was that it would only be work-related contact. There have been a few times since then when I've broken down and initiated contact, but I've really been trying to just respect whatever boundaries she needs. I'm getting better. I've also been working from home for the past month, too. For someone who is in MC, and apparently trying to fix things, she has contacted me quite a bit. Sometimes it's been to ask me if I'm doing ok. Other times it's just to share something she thought was funny. And a few times it was to ask me when I'll be back in the office. I, I'm sure you'll say foolishly, returned her texts. Last week, she asked me if it would be easier for me to be in the office if she wasn't there. She said she's in and out a lot, anyway. This was the 3rd or 4th time she brought up me going back to the office that week, so I just decided we needed to talk. We talked on the phone for about 30 minutes. I told her that I can't be around while she's trying to reconcile. I said I still love her, and would do anything for her, but it hurts too much to be in that environment. When I told her how I still felt about her, she said something like "There are a lot of things I want to say to you about that, but I can't. But you know me well, and you know what's in my heart. I just can't say anything." I understood and didn't push anything. Near the end of our conversation, she said that she wants to reply to everything that I told her at some point. She said she needs to organize her thoughts, but she wants to talk to me again about it soon. I said that's fine. What I'm wondering is, does this sound like the behavior of a MW who is into the reconciliation? If you're the BS, how would you feel if your W was having this type of contact with her AP? I'm just genuinely curious. I'm currently in IC, and have made great strides toward being ok with not being with her. I'm more at peace now than I have been in months. I'm just very analytical, and this stuff fascinates me. Why would she keep having contact with me, and be willing to have conversations about "us," if she was in MC to reconcile? I'm not trying to sound above it all, as I realize I've made plenty of missteps on my end. I hope it doesn't come across like that. Thanks, everyone. Personally I feel you should be blocking her on all fronts. No communication as long as she is working on her marriage. I would also take the time to inform her husband. For me...any future contact with a WS's AP and we are done. No if and or buts. If the WS is busy communicating with their AP, then they are not focusing on their marriage.
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