My Story

[Curlyj]

Well, I posted here a couple months ago in the OW/OM forum, but I am thinking this may be the better forum for me.

 

Here is a quick run down of my story. I am 32 yr old woman, engaged to a man i have been with for close to 12 years. We have two young children.

3 years ago I started an affair with a coworker. What a stupid thing to do.

We were always back and forth with how to move forward. I wanted a real relationship with this guy, and he said he wanted the same. But either i would get scared, or he would and nothing ever happened.

 

About a month ago, I came clean to my fiance. He was ob iously very hurt, but also understanding to a degree and was willing to try and fix things.

 

At the time, i thought thats what i wanted too. I still had (have) strong feelings for my AP, but he was done with me. So i was feeling my worst and just decided to stay.

 

As I said, AP and I work together, and i thought I could handle it. Wrong!!!

Soon enough, he was being nice again, acting differently and said he wanted us to be a couple. I was happy again! I told my fiance i wanted to seperate. I didnt tell him why though, or that AP was back in my life.

 

Sooooo, anyways, my plan was to leave (just trying to figure whete to live, etc) and things have been horrible around the house.

But i felt like i was making the right decision. Then yesterday, AP tells me he doesnt want to be with me. The feelings arent there anymore. This was 2 days after he told me the exact opposite. He has a history of doing this to me.

 

I feel so destroyed by this guy. I gave up everything for him.

I've decided to go to therapy to help me sort out this mess.

 

What a mess, right?

[Try]

I still had (have) strong feelings for my AP, but he was done with me. So i was feeling my worst and just decided to stay.

 

As I said, AP and I work together, and i thought I could handle it. Wrong!!!

Soon enough, he was being nice again, acting differently and said he wanted us to be a couple. I was happy again! I told my fiance i wanted to seperate. I didnt tell him why though, or that AP was back in my life.

You were played big time. Google "how to pick up on married women" to understand the other man's (OM) real intent. All he wanted was sex with no obligations and he was telling you what you wanted to hear just to get it. These sites commonly say such things as "By letting her voice her lover's flaws, you kill three birds with one stone. First, she gets the impression that you are a good listener; like a good friend or psychologist. Second, because you're not doing the criticism, you do not come across as the "snake" that tries to impress people by knocking others down. Finally, you discover the lover's negative qualities to amplify them within the conversation". Your fiance never had a chance, because you gave the OM home field advantage. While the OM knew about your relationship with your fiance when he went after you, your relationship with the OM was a secret that you kept from your fiance, so your fiance lost the fight when he did not even know that his relationship with you was under attack. Throw in the the addition advantage of newness that the other men has which releases brain drugs that stop being released as the relationship matures, and game over. Secrecy + newness + a willingness to cheat = the OM getting no strings sex.

Edited July 3, 2013 by Try

[Just a Guy]

Hi CurlyJ, You are right! It is a mess of epic proportions and it is all your own single handed creation. You see, you are 32 years old and so by no means a teenager. However you have been behaving like one ever since you latched on to your so called OM. Fact is one would have expected you to be much more mature and also some one who could read people better. This OM of yours has ditched you before and yet he just has to look in your direction and smile and you are completely floored. Guess you have made your bed and now you must lie on it.

 

Please do your betrayed Fiance a favour. Please leave as per your plan and do not again coddle up to him and ask for forgiveness. You have hurt him enough and you do not need to do that any more. Besides, this time around I am sure he won't even give you the time of day now, after you rejected him so comprehensively. He gave you a life line and you threw it away. I can only imagine what must be going on in his mind. Also I hope you have thought long and hard as to how you are going to deal with your children. It is sad that in all this mess created by their mother, the person who brought them into this world, they who are innocent, have to become collateral damage. As good as that which has happened in Iraq or Afghanistan to innocent bystanders. So apart from the guilt that you will always carry on your shoulders about having hurt your husband for NO fault of his, you now will also have to carry the guilt of having hurt your innocent children for some thing they are too small to understand or figure out and for which they are in NO way responsible. Maybe it will give you satisfaction having hurt those who have been closest to you.

 

So having cooked your goose you will now have to sit at the table all alone and eat it with relish enjoying each poisonous mouthful as you dribble at the mouth with obvious enjoyment! Have a GOOD DAY Lady!!

Edited July 3, 2013 by Just a Guy

[JustAReformedGirl]

It never works out when the reason you want to leave is for another person; if you had wanted to leave your current relationship already, and AP had just happened to come along, I'd say it's a different story. But, it looks like you got hit with at least a minor case of GIGS.

 

Here are some things you're going to need to sort through:

 

-Do you still love your fiancé?

-Do you want to work things out with him?

-Is your AP worth it? (In my opinion, no; he's jerked you around a lot, already)

-Even if AP didn't exist, would you still want to leave your fiancé?

-If your fiancé decides to give your relationship another try, are you fully on board? If yes, you need to make the effort, and stop yourself from straying when other men make a pass at you.

-If you don't have another chance with your fiancé, what course are you going to take, from this point on?

-Whether you get another chance with your fiancé or not, will you seek counselling? Will you do some serious soul-searching to put an end to this destructive pattern?

 

I know how difficult things get, sometimes; you lose yourself in a moment, you feel alive again when things are stale-but you need to ask yourself: is it worth it? What if I can bring these feelings back with my fiancé? Could I feel alive again with him, or do I need to get out on my own?

 

If things don't work out between you and your fiancé, I suggest not jumping into another relationship for awhile-not even with your AP, if he changes his mind again. You need to focus on you, for a bit.

 

Also, have you got a plan formulated for your children, in either event?

[Curlyj]

You were played big time. Google "how to pick up on married women" to understand the other man's (OM) real intent. All he wanted was sex with no obligations and he was telling you what you wanted to hear just to get it. These sites commonly say such things as "By letting her voice her lover's flaws, you kill three birds with one stone. First, she gets the impression that you are a good listener; like a good friend or psychologist. Second, because you're not doing the criticism, you do not come across as the "snake" that tries to impress people by knocking others down. Finally, you discover the lover's negative qualities to amplify them within the conversation". Your fiance never had a chance, because you gave the OM home field advantage. While the OM knew about your relationship with your fiance when he went after you, your relationship with the OM was a secret that you kept from your fiance, so your fiance lost the fight when he did not even know that his relationship with you was under attack. Throw in the the addition advantage of newness that the other men has which releases brain drugs that stop being released as the relationship matures, and game over. Secrecy + newness + a willingness to cheat = the OM getting no strings sex.

 

Yes, I was most definitely played. However, I dont truly think that was intention. He is a pretty emotionally messed up guy, and for whatever reason I really latched on to him, hoping I could be the girl that changes things for him. So every time he was in one of his 'good' moods and came around, I gave him the benefit of the doubt and fell back into our messed pattern of pushing and pulling. Sigh.

[Curlyj]

Hi CurlyJ, You are right! It is a mess of epic proportions and it is all your own single handed creation. You see, you are 32 years old and so by no means a teenager. However you have been behaving like one ever since you latched on to your so called OM. Fact is one would have expected you to be much more mature and also some one who could read people better. This OM of yours has ditched you before and yet he just has to look in your direction and smile and you are completely floored. Guess you have made your bed and now you must lie on it.

 

Please do your betrayed Fiance a favour. Please leave as per your plan and do not again coddle up to him and ask for forgiveness. You have hurt him enough and you do not need to do that any more. Besides, this time around I am sure he won't even give you the time of day now, after you rejected him so comprehensively. He gave you a life line and you threw it away. I can only imagine what must be going on in his mind. Also I hope you have thought long and hard as to how you are going to deal with your children. It is sad that in all this mess created by their mother, the person who brought them into this world, they who are innocent, have to become collateral damage. As good as that which has happened in Iraq or Afghanistan to innocent bystanders. So apart from the guilt that you will always carry on your shoulders about having hurt your husband for NO fault of his, you now will also have to carry the guilt of having hurt your innocent children for some thing they are too small to understand or figure out and for which they are in NO way responsible. Maybe it will give you satisfaction having hurt those who have been closest to you.

 

So having cooked your goose you will now have to sit at the table all alone and eat it with relish enjoying each poisonous mouthful as you dribble at the mouth with obvious enjoyment! Have a GOOD DAY Lady!!

 

I've never made excuses for what I did, nor put the blame on anyone but myself.

I've told fiance numerous times I wanted out, but he keeps fighting for me. I feel like i owe it to him to at least try this time. Which is why I have taken a leave from work and going to start councelling.

[JustAReformedGirl]

 

So having cooked your goose you will now have to sit at the table all alone and eat it with relish enjoying each poisonous mouthful as you dribble at the mouth with obvious enjoyment! Have a GOOD DAY Lady!!

 

Easy, Just a Guy.... Try a little objectivity, here. This can't be good for your blood pressure...

[Curlyj]

It never works out when the reason you want to leave is for another person; if you had wanted to leave your current relationship already, and AP had just happened to come along, I'd say it's a different story. But, it looks like you got hit with at least a minor case of GIGS.

 

Here are some things you're going to need to sort through:

 

-Do you still love your fiancé?

-Do you want to work things out with him?

-Is your AP worth it? (In my opinion, no; he's jerked you around a lot, already)

-Even if AP didn't exist, would you still want to leave your fiancé?

-If your fiancé decides to give your relationship another try, are you fully on board? If yes, you need to make the effort, and stop yourself from straying when other men make a pass at you.

-If you don't have another chance with your fiancé, what course are you going to take, from this point on?

-Whether you get another chance with your fiancé or not, will you seek counselling? Will you do some serious soul-searching to put an end to this destructive pattern?

 

I know how difficult things get, sometimes; you lose yourself in a moment, you feel alive again when things are stale-but you need to ask yourself: is it worth it? What if I can bring these feelings back with my fiancé? Could I feel alive again with him, or do I need to get out on my own?

 

If things don't work out between you and your fiancé, I suggest not jumping into another relationship for awhile-not even with your AP, if he changes his mind again. You need to focus on you, for a bit.

 

Also, have you got a plan formulated for your children, in either event?

 

 

Do I love my fiance? Yes. But probably not in the way I should. He is truly a great man, who is as selfless as they come. He would do anything for anyone. But, im not attracted to him anymore and just dont think of him in that way anymore.

But is this just because i am so blinded by my feelings for OM?

 

My fiance really wants to do marriage councelling, which at first I didnt want to do. I am an extremely shy person, and talking to a stranger gives me major

Anxiety. However, I realise how 'broken' i am, and I DO need help.

I want to do IC for myself first. I need to focus on me and fix myself before I can move foreward with fiance, or on my own.

 

As far as kids are concerned, we agreed to joint custody, and that neither one of us wants to take time away from the kids. I am confident that we can both be mature and work towards a goal that works best for them if we do decide to seperate.

[Curlyj]

As far as OM is concerned, it is over. But because I know out old patterns, I decided

To take time off work to sort things out and stay away from him, otherwise it is only a matter of time before something starts up again. It is horrible to say, but it is like an addiction!

I am lucky enough to have a boss that understands and is givng me the time off I need (she knows the story)

In the meantime, I am looking for a new job. As well as some councilling to help deal with my issues, which i have many of!!

[JustAReformedGirl]

Do I love my fiance? Yes. But probably not in the way I should.

 

I can relate to this, all too well.

 

 

But is this just because i am so blinded by my feelings for OM?

 

It may take quite awhile for you to ascertain whether it's because of your OM, or if it's something that predates your affair with him. Each situation is different. I hope you figure it out.

 

 

My fiance really wants to do marriage councelling, which at first I didnt

want to do. I am an extremely shy person, and talking to a stranger gives me

major

 

 

Anxiety.

 

Understandable. I'm fairly shy, too, so I can see why that would be intimidating.

 

 

 

However, I realise how 'broken' i am, and I DO need help.

 

 

I want to do IC for myself first. I need to focus on me and fix myself before

I can move foreward with fiance, or on my own.

 

I think that's the right choice to make. Maybe once you've figured some things out about yourself, and have developed a certain level of comfort with therapists, you'll be able to do MC, as well.

 

As far as kids are concerned, we agreed to joint custody, and that neither one of us wants to take time away from the kids. I am confident that we can both be mature and work towards a goal that works best for them if we do decide to seperate.

 

Glad to hear that. It sounds like if you do separate, you will do so quite amicably. In the mean time, certainly try to sort through your feelings, and start to work on yourself, before you make your final decision.

[HopingAgain]

Its unfortunate that you had to learn the hard way, but please don't continue to lead your ex fiancee on. He deserves better than to be your second choice, and a consolation prize. Allow him to leave with some dignity.

[Curlyj]

Its unfortunate that you had to learn the hard way, but please don't continue to lead your ex fiancee on. He deserves better than to be your second choice, and a consolation prize. Allow him to leave with some dignity.

 

I am not trying to lead him on, I have been very upfront with my feelings. He is the type though that wants to fix it. I dont know if it's fixable or not, and he is aware of this.

I truly think I need to fix myself and go from there. Right now I am not capable of making any kind of decision an keeping with it.

[ladydesigner]

I am not trying to lead him on, I have been very upfront with my feelings. He is the type though that wants to fix it. I dont know if it's fixable or not, and he is aware of this.

I truly think I need to fix myself and go from there. Right now I am not capable of making any kind of decision an keeping with it.

 

This is your answer! Good luck (((Curlyj))) it will be so helpful to you.

[jnel921]

You clearly do not love the father of your kids if you were flip flopping on your answer. If my H said that to me we'd be over for sure.

 

You should know what you want from the get go. And it sounded like you wanted your coworker. He knew what to do to get in your pants. He didn't want

you. Do you really think he wanted to be step daddy to your kids?

 

Alot of big decisions and factors here. You may be better off on your own.

[Artie Lang]

in reading your previous threads, you were a fOW and your fiancée left his wife for you, correct? fast-forward 10 years and two kids later, you've now cheated on this same man.

 

wow, the karma bus sure came a knockin' for him.

 

 

it sounds like you're settling. you obviously want to be with this other man, and are now settling for the alternative- your fiancée. be frank with him and tell him you don't want to be with him anymore.

 

i fear that you'll cheat again if this OM comes calling once again, especially since you two still work together.

Edited July 4, 2013 by Artie Lang

[Curlyj]

in reading your previous threads, you were a fOW and your fiancée left his wife for you, correct? fast-forward 10 years and two kids later, you've now cheated on this same name.

 

wow, the karma bus sure came a knockin' for him.

 

 

it sounds like you're settling. you obviously want to be with this other man, and are now settling for the alternative- your fiancée. be frank with him and tell him you don't want to be with him anymore.

 

i fear that you'll cheat again if this OM comes calling once again, especially since you two still work together.

 

You are correct, I am a fOW.

I do question whether i am just settling, or if i do want to give it an honest try with fiancee.

 

I told him I need some time for me, and since neither of us can financially live seperately at the moment, we have decided to stay in the house together for the time being. I have 'moved' out of the bedroom and sleeping in another room. As it stands right now, we arent 'together' but more roomates. We are civi

to eachother and just focused on the kids for

now.

 

And you're right, i would probably would fall for it again if OM came calling. But I have taken time off work (and looking for a new job in the meantime) and last i talked to him i asked for him to not contact me in any way. To just let me go.

 

I am going to IC to deal with these issues...and i hope that i can 'fix' myself and move past all this. I am so ready to be done and over OM.

[BetrayedH]

How long will you keep your fiance dedicated to you and in the dark while you work on yourself?

 

I happen to agree that you should take some time to be introspective before revealing your more recent betrayal to your fiance. You need to be sure you are all-in before you attempt to reconcile again. But at the same time, this man is wasting his one and only life on someone that cannot seem to be faithful. How long do you keep him in that position while you determine if you can be fixed?

 

Too many waywards reconcile out of guilt or obligation; these are not good reasons to do it (and so many of those half-hearted efforts fail). Then again, perhaps you are re-writing your relationship history; your fiance cannot compete with a fantasy.

 

It does sound like you have some serious soul-searching to do. But I think you have to think long and hard about how much of your fiance's life is acceptable to waste whe you try to figure yourself out.

[BeholdtheMan]

*SNIP*

I think you should break it off with you fiance. You neither love nor respect him. You're treating him as a safety net. That is supremely disrespectful and selfish.

 

He deserves better. Please find the moral courage to stop leading your fiance along and to end it with him. You two can still be good parents even if divorced. Don't use your children as an excuse to continue disrespecting your fiance. Oh...and tell him you cheated on him with AP...again.

 

Next time, get engaged only when you've developed the self-control to refrain from cheating

[Just a Guy]

Hi CurlyJ, You are right! It is a mess of epic proportions and it is all your own single handed creation. You see, you are 32 years old and so by no means a teenager. However you have been behaving like one ever since you latched on to your so called OM. Fact is one would have expected you to be much more mature and also some one who could read people better. This OM of yours has ditched you before and yet he just has to look in your direction and smile and you are completely floored. Guess you have made your bed and now you must lie on it.

 

Please do your betrayed Fiance a favour. Please leave as per your plan and do not again coddle up to him and ask for forgiveness. You have hurt him enough and you do not need to do that any more. Besides, this time around I am sure he won't even give you the time of day now, after you rejected him so comprehensively. He gave you a life line and you threw it away. I can only imagine what%2

Edited July 4, 2013 by Just a Guy

[Artie Lang]

i just think the damage is done. i mean, you were all set to leave your marriage for this man.....you were practically out the door. the only thing that kept you was this man ending it with you. for lack of a better term, you were dumped.

 

now you're in plan b mode, and your fiancé is the consolation prize.

Edited July 5, 2013 by Artie Lang

[Curlyj]

Thanks for all the replies guys!

 

I have never been so confused/lost in my life! As someone mentioned, I have a lot of real soul searching to do.

As for my fiance, we are done. I haven't asked for his forgiveness or told him I wanted him back. We still live in the same house, but seperately. That isnt changing anytime soon. We agreed on this together, as financially it makes the mosy sense...for now.

 

All he wants from me is for me to go do some IC, which I agreed to. I definitely think I will benefit from it.

[BetrayedH]

Thanks for all the replies guys!

 

I have never been so confused/lost in my life! As someone mentioned, I have a lot of real soul searching to do.

As for my fiance, we are done. I haven't asked for his forgiveness or told him I wanted him back. We still live in the same house, but seperately. That isnt changing anytime soon. We agreed on this together, as financially it makes the mosy sense...for now.

 

All he wants from me is for me to go do some IC, which I agreed to. I definitely think I will benefit from it.

 

If he's asked you to do IC, it's because he is hopeful for reconciliation but smart enough to know that you must fix yourself first. He will likely continue to quietly pine away for you. Having the knowledge that you went back to your AP again and that he (your fiance) would only be a back-up plan would help him to move forward with his life. Right now he's probably trying to find it within himself to forgive you but you haven't even admitted your more recent betrayal. For you, this is a continuance of your pattern of lies and deception. My personal opinion is that you should be working towards living a truly honest and authentic life. And your fiance deserves to be able to make a fully informed decision about how much emotional capital he wants to continue to invest in you.