Torn between up & down boyfriend & someone who could be true love, what should I do?

[Confused28]

Dear Forum!

 

This is my first visit here and I am coming seeking opinions and advice. This is my situation:

 

I am a 28 year old female. I was once married at age 22 and was married for 4 1/2 years. Unfortunately, things didn't work out and I divorced 2 years ago. Since then, I met, and have been with my boyfriend of 2 years. I will refer to him as Nick. Nick is 30 years old and we have had a very up and down relationship. It is great at times, abusive at other times. Things came to a head about 6 months ago. Up until then, we spent all our time together (except for officially living together). Then, Nick started going out with his friends a lot, lying to me about where he was, and totally dissing me. He would not answer his phone, be out drinking at various bars, and would go a day or two (at times) without even talking to or seeing me. After being together for a year at a half at that point, and being a 28 year old woman ready to settle down for life, I broke up with Nick in June. I think it was totally ridiculous that he expected me to stay with him when the relationship was non-existent. At the time he was 30 years old, too old in my opinion to be running around drunk 4 nights a week. I was looking for a soul mate, and companion.

 

Well, I was single for 1 month and dated around, then met Shane in July. He was INCREDIBLE!!!! He rocked my world, I was ecstatic! Things were moving along quickly and we were going from dating to couple-hood very quickly. He was 27, me 28, & it was obvious that we wanted to be with each other.

 

Then, Nick found out I was in a new relationship and he creaked out. A lot of stuff happened, but to summerize, Nick came back to me, professing his love, promising to change forever and treat me like a queen, and basically forced me back into the relationship. I was so torn..... I still loved Nick, but I wanted to be with Shane. I hated hurting Nick like that, we had been through so much, and he did love me so much. I could not be sure that what I had with Shane would last. It was wonderful, but we had only been together a month, most relationships are awesome in the beginning, I didn't know if it would progress and get better and better, or if it was just a honeymoon stage, you know?

 

I didn't know what to do, I was kind of juggling Nick and Shane for a week or so. It was totally ethical, though, Shane and I had not had "the talk" that we were exclusive, and I was not "with" Nick either, just talking to him. At times, Nick would fly into a jealous rage, at one point, he broke into my house and trashed it when I was at work. Then he would come back begging to be with me.

 

He convinced me that Shane was a typical "Guy" as he put it, and would cheat on me, go to strip clubs, etc. I am petrified of being with someone like that and Nick knew it. I basically got to the point that I was too scared to be with someone else and I should go with the safe bet and get back together with Nick. I knew Nick never had and never would cheat on me, I know that for sure. So, I got back with Nick. I called Shane and told him that Nick and I were getting back together. He was very upset, shocked and stunned ( and a little angry). That was 2 months ago. Since then, Nick and I have been together and it has been okay. Things are like they were before he started going out with his friends and we broke up. Sometimes they are great, sometimes they suck. Very up and down, one minute we are having a great time, the next we are yelling and fighting.

 

I think about Shane all the time. We have not talked since I broke it off with him, but I wonder what might have been and yearn to talk to him, touch him, be with him and see where we could go. But, who knows if he is with someone else by now, or even would consider being with me again after what happened. But, that does not stop me from thinking about him.

 

What should I do, what do you all think! :-) Thanks so much for taking the time to read my story! Confused28

[Papillon]

The guy broke into your house and trashed it? And you're asking us for advice? C'mawn.

 

 

He's scum. Get away from him before he drags your remaining young years down the drain.

[LaShawn]

Regardless of how things might have or might in the future end up with "Shane", you need to run far and fast from "Nick". He shows (from your description) the classic signs of an abusive mate. Things will not get better. Why would you want to be with someone that would trash your house. Do not confuse obsession for love. That is not love.

 

Just my 2 cents.....

[mugirl213]

I think you made a big mistake! Your boyfriend sounds like the world's biggest tool and he doesn't treat you right. Sometimes abusive? Come on! You found the strength to leave him once and I think you should find it again and then run to Shane and explain to him that you made a big mistake in dumping him. Think about it...do you really want to date someone who will break into your home and trash it while you are at work b/c he is jealous? Makes no sense. I think he sounds like a raving psycho...and if Shane isn't the one for you either, maybe you should have free time.

[bluechocolate]

gotta agree with Pap there

 

Sounds to me like Nick is also very controlling:

 

and basically forced me back into the relationship.

 

He convinced me that Shane was a typical "Guy" as he put it, and would cheat on me, go to strip clubs, etc. I am petrified of being with someone like that and Nick knew it.

 

bad news .......

[Weird]

Nick sounds like a douchebag. Cut him loose. You gave him the chance to show you he wouldn't act like an ass and sure enough, you say he is acting like one.

 

Seriously, get rid of him and go for the other guy. Nick won't change and don't hope that he magically will simply because you have given him another chance. You continue to put up with it so he will continue to do the same crap he always has.

 

Guys like Nick piss me off. Sorry if that bugs you but it is true.

[Confused28]

Thanks so much for the honest responses. Sometimes when you are so far in something, you don't even know what is "normal" until you bounce off of someone else your situation. I am mulling through everything, any and all advice is welcome, the more the merrier!

 

Do you think that it is okay to forgive and forget and believe that people can change? Or am I just being naive?

 

Are most guys "players" and just looking for the next best thing? Nick has convinced me of this. Some people think he is brainwashing me and using this scare tactic to control me, others think he just cares about me no matter who I'm with. What do you think? :-) Thanks a million! Confused28

[Majik45]

Dump him, he's a manipulative loser. He won't change, but will just cause you more heart ache. I hate guys like this too, they give the good ones a bad name.

[bluechocolate]

Some people think he is brainwashing me and using this scare tactic to control me, 0

 

That is precisely what he is doing. And why would he stop? It's worked already, hasn't it? I'm telling you, this guy is bad news.

 

Sure you can forgive him, but that doesn't mean you have to go out with him.

[checktherecord]

i'm surprised how many people just jumped onboard and told confused28 to dump her current boyfriend. one might think that due dilligence is serverely lacking??

 

has anyone asked, and or heard the side of the story from nick???? consider that possibly confused28 is a substance abuser, lies a lot, and verbally bashes nick??

 

very interesting is all i can say.

[ps123]

Checktherecord has a point, but Nick can start his own thread if he wants to defend himself.

 

I agree with everyone else that Nick is bad news. He only wanted you back when he heard you were with someone else. Unless he gets some counseling, the pattern will probably continue where he'll be nice for a while, start to act like a jerk, blow up, apologize, be nice for a while, etc... Unfortunately, the blow up phases may get worse as time goes on.

 

I also agree that 30 is too old to be running around drunk 4 nights a week.

 

Im not going to jump right in and tell you to leave him, but its definitely something you should think about. If you do leave him, I wouldnt jump into the relationship with the other guy either. You need time to get over nick before you can make healthy and smart decisions about whos next. Plus the other guy may not be interested and if he is, he may have some trust issues that you'll bail on him again, which will more than likely cause problems.

[bluechocolate]

Originally posted by checktherecord

i'm surprised how many people just jumped onboard and told confused28 to dump her current boyfriend. one might think that due dilligence is serverely lacking??

 

has anyone asked, and or heard the side of the story from nick???? consider that possibly confused28 is a substance abuser, lies a lot, and verbally bashes nick??

 

very interesting is all i can say.

 

have you read her posts?

[checktherecord]

i know the entire story. let's just ask confused28 what the whole story is....what's nick's side?

[MelodyJ]

Abusive, controlling men will not change easily. They can make all the promises they want, but it just to get you to stay. Personally, and from my own experience, I think it is because they know how they are, and trying to find someone else who will put up with there behavior is not going to be easy. And they need someone to controll.

It is typical for them to resort to manipulating your feelings and trying to make you doubt yourself when they know you are finally tired of being treated badly. If you want to stay with him, you both need counseling and time apart, but it will take a long time, especially now that he knows there is someone else for you to turn to.

Do what you know is right and best for you to have a happy life. And I do agree that jumping into another relationship when you are so vulnerable isn't the best move. You really need to find out who you are after living with someone like Nick. Thats probably not what you want to hear, but ...