wethepeople Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 I have gotten some good advice from theis forum and I through I would seek more. My situation: Wife said she wanted to separate in March. In VA there is no such thing as legal separation but I said fine, but I am not leaving the house. I do still hope that there is a chance to reconcile so I wanted to keep things as Friendly as possible. We get along great but the passion and spark has been gone for a while. Have 2 kids 5 and 8. We worked quickly through a mediator to get a separation agreement in princial laid out. It is very fair to me given the fact that she has not worked for 8 years and we have been married for 10. I can live with the temp support and with the Child support. I got all the custodity I asked for (50/50). My attorney says it is a much better deal than I would get in court. So since April I have been living in the basement, she works part time in retail making no money. I pay all the bills and get to see the kids each day and it is going on okay. I have been trying to get her to work on our intiamcy issues and she says she is giving all she can right now. She will not sign the draft fo the agreement which goes in to effect when we sell the home, which she says will happen (she is on the deed but not the loan) after the VA i year separation requirement runs next march) So I bring up to her that if she wanted out of the marriage and wants me gone she has the power she just needs to get a job and start to support herself and the kids in a way that will allow us independence from each other and give the kids a home they deserve when they are with her. She blows up at this and says I am not to tell her what see needs to do to take care of the kids and herself etc (I am sure a lot of you have heard the same screams). She says she wants to work part time and take yoga instructure classes and then in March deceide what she wants to do going forward. So I quickly start to realize that I may be the chump in the room. Then I see the Facebook Messages left open. Two main observations, she has reached out to several ex's (all of who are married) and is more than happy to share intimate details about our marriage, details about my disease (DX with MS in 2007), and then trying to get them to meet her, "leave wifey at home", " is kissing you cheating", "I should have married you" etc. I than see she is telling her firend about her professing her love for an ex (who happens to be a famous rock star) and how even though he is married with two kids he has said that they can be one again and he appears to be leading her on like a little goupie. So basically there is tons of this, sharing details of our life together with these people, trying to get them to hook up, and then I find she is writing a blog which lays the same out for the world to see, private details about us and me. I have never said an ill word about her to anyone. I am very private. So now I am sick over my next move. I can pretend it never happened and I never saw, live through it for the next 8 months, be with my kids, take the good deal I have negotiated and move on then. I am adding a clause in the agreement saying she cannot discuss or publish (I know she is working on a book about her life) intimate details of our mariage, sex life, or my health issues) I can confront her and cause an explosion which will hurt the kids and get me to a judge which might get me a worse deal than I have on the table. Or I can just have some fun with her....contact the wives of the men she is having emotional affairs (I have no proof of physical yet) and let them see the screen caps of there husbands discussing how great their sex lives were with my wife when they were together and planning meet ups. It is tough for me. I unfortunately still love her. I love my kids dearly and want them to have a loving home. But I cant sleep at night with a mixture of anger and hurt and humiliation and a need to maintain soem dignity. Your perspectives would be greatly appreciated.
Ninja'sHusband Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 So sorry for what you are going through. It always sickens me so much to hear stories like this. I vote for this, contact the wives of the men she is having emotional affairs (I have no proof of physical yet) and let them see the screen caps of there husbands discussing how great their sex lives were with my wife when they were together and planning meet ups. but not for fun, because these women should know what's going on. I'd leave the legal stuff to the attorney. Good for not moving out as much as that sucks. Make sure you've at least filed before you leave. You can't reconcile with someone who is still cheating and has their sites on leaving. You have no control of them, the more you try the worse it gets. I'm for exposure though and protecting yourself legally ASAP. I tried to be nice at first...yeah...I kinda regret that. The longer you wait to file, the longer the marriage and the more alimony you are stuck with...when really the marriage ended who knows when?
pteromom Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 Man, she sounds pretty desperate for attention. I think you need to emotionally detach from her. I'd just pretend you didn't see it and move forward doing what is best for you. I wouldn't confront her (unless you think there is a chance of reconciliation) and I wouldn't contact the wives... why invite MORE drama to yourself?
CarrieT Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 Yeah.... you are a chump. Sorry to say it, but it looks as though you are giving her exactly what she wants with no repercussions for her actions and that should stop. Look at this this way; I know you want to be with your children, but it is also important they learn how to be responsible people in their own lives and by putting up with this situation, their mother is teaching them how to manipulate another and you are teaching them that it is okay to be trod upon. In the long run, is this the type of role model you want to be for them? And with this woman who is half-heartedly working on a "career" but seems to be just looking for another handout or someone to pay her way the type of adult relationship you want to teach your kids? Grow a backbone and bring the whole scenario to a halt. If she wants out of the marriage, then start divorce proceedings. Don't let her walk all over you and give your kids the impression that this type of behavior is normal. 3
Turtles Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 Hi, first of all I can tell this is a tough situation, it would be hard on anyone but MS sucks and stress adds to it so I can't imagine what you are going through. Wishing you strength & courage. From your post and especially the way the title "trying to save marriage" contrasts with the content though, I get the impression that your wife (or future ex-wife) & you have a different concept of what is going on here. She is already out and just waiting for the technical legal requirement to pronounce the divorce final. She just isn't moving out because it's a rent free place (why are you the one living in the basement, by the way??) and she doesn't want to leave the kids but it doesn't sound like she has any intention to make an effort to "save the marriage". Meanwhile you are in for the ride and hoping she will "snap out of it". With that being said, there is not really anything you can do to control what she says to her friends. In my opinion you are actually the one at fault here for snooping through her Facebook messages. So you should absolutely pretend it never happened, because it should not have happened had you respected HER privacy. Sorry if this sounds harsh but she is not really your wife anymore (you're already legally separated, right?) and as long as she is not harming the kids you don't have any right to control who she talks to, dates, or has sex with. And yes, she is totally playing you for a chump, and you could be fighting to get her to pay a share of the house, or make her life as uncomfortable as reasonable to get her to move out, etc. By the way soon she will probably have her boyfriend come over, think you want them making whoopies on your king size bed while you mull on the air mattress in the basement? It will happen if you don't start cracking down on her game. Well, that's my opinion. I do realize you are in a really hard spot and hurting right now. But doesn't seem fair to me that you are getting ready to basically sacrifice a year for her sake.
oldshirt Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 Yeah.... you are a chump. Sorry to say it, but it looks as though you are giving her exactly what she wants with no repercussions for her actions and that should stop. Look at this this way; I know you want to be with your children, but it is also important they learn how to be responsible people in their own lives and by putting up with this situation, their mother is teaching them how to manipulate another and you are teaching them that it is okay to be trod upon. In the long run, is this the type of role model you want to be for them? And with this woman who is half-heartedly working on a "career" but seems to be just looking for another handout or someone to pay her way the type of adult relationship you want to teach your kids? Grow a backbone and bring the whole scenario to a halt. If she wants out of the marriage, then start divorce proceedings. Don't let her walk all over you and give your kids the impression that this type of behavior is normal. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ yeah this ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Your hopefully STBX wife is simply not a good wife or partner. This is over the top bad behavior on her part and I don't see how things can possibly be reconcilable with someone that selfish and that degree of bad character. See a lawyer ASAP and start preparing to drop the bomb and protect your assets, property and relationship with your parents to the absolute best of your ability. You are going to be in for a fight and someone that selfish and uncaring will pull out all the stops to hurt and undermine you so get the wagons circled up as best you can and cross your Ts and dot your Is. Then make several copies of all of her emails, phone/txt records etc and send them to the wives of her boytoys as well as to her parents and siblings and closest friends. Rats feed and grow strong in the dark and scurry and flee in the light. You need to shine the light on what she is doing so that other families and innocents are not destroyed by her. This is not done to hurt her or to humiliate her or damage her relationship with her family. These other wives need to protect themselves and their children and need to know what their husbands are up to and her family need to see with their own eyes what she is doing because she will try to twist and manipulate the truth to make you look bad and to seek support from them. They need to see that she is in the wrong and that the divorce, drama and chaos were brought about by her actions and not yours.
oldshirt Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 And yes you are being played a fool and are being the chump here. It's time to Velcro the balls back on and take back your dignity and your own well-being. I recommend the books "No More Mr Nice Guy," and "The Married Man Sexlife Primer," to get you into the proper frame to not be taken advantage of and to stand up for yourself. The MMSLP has a lot of stuff that is already way too late for you but there is some great information on how to glue your balls back on and there is an excellent template for the actions and steps to take when you find out your wife is cheating or is about to cheat. In your case unfortunately, if she hasn't already screwed someone, it is just a mear technicality that a penis hasn't entered her vagina yet. She has completely checked out of the marriage and is completely unrepentant about wanting out and being with other people. Trying to reconcile that is probably just spitting in the wind and wasting valuable time and energy. Your time and energy needs to be spent protecting your resources, property and children. I am sorry you are going through this:(
aliveagain Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 Make copies of the emails and keep them somewhere safe(your office at work). Best way to end any affair is to expose them. I'll bet money she will be under the bus immediately. She will be really pissed and possibly decide to leave you, but friend, you have already lost her. She needs to feel the financial loss of not having you around. Change your banking if you haven't already done so as part of your separation agreement, take her off your credit cards because she could rack up a ton of debt and you would still be responsible, look for your own place, your too convenient in the basement. Finally, don't finance her affair, let her have to pay for things like a babysitter if she wants to go out.
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