atlg8r Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 I have had this issue with several dating situations in my life, and I'm fighting it with a new guy I've been seeing now. When we go for awhile without much communication, I start to feel insecure, like he's backing off or maybe not really as interested in me as I thought. I start second-guessing things. Nothing has been said or happened that is negative; it's just the waning in communication that sets off my thoughts a little. I spent a whole day almost with this new guy I'm seeing, and it went great. He sought me out at church, then invited me to hang out for the afternoon. He started a new job, so it is logical that he wouldn't be able to text as much this week, but it's just getting to me. When we HAVE texted, he's responded and still seems interested. Nothing is really different except we aren't talking as much this week. Anyone else deal with this? Ideas for how I can stop worrying about it, as I don't think anything is really changing? It makes me want to find excuses to contact him, but I don't want to smother him or be clingy, and I need to be able to maintain my own life, too! Not really sure why this happens with me.
jphcbpa Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 Firstly, great job recognizing this in yourself. That is the first step and a big one. I struggled with this too....it is easy to take this personally, but know that you should not. What I have learned to do is detach from a text message. If I send a note to my g/f that reads, "thinking about you" or "love you baby", I know that I am sending this because that is how I feel and I want her to know. I am not looking for a response from her. It is not a hook or a crumb, it is how i feel at that moment. Although she does respond, it might be a few hours later. Detach with love and take care of you. Secondly, it is easy to want/need that outside validation. That is the part that you must take a look at. This has nothing to do with him, it has to do with you. Face these feelings, explore them, write about them, feel them, but do not burden your b/f with the chore of fixing you. That is not his job. Perhaps you struggle with some abandonment issues and fear of loss. If this is the case, no man can ever fix this. You must fix this on your own. Perhaps a therapist might be a good start even for just a few sessions to get some perspective on this matter. Obviously, this is a pattern that you are discovering in yourself. If you feel comfortable and you guys are having a moment where you are connecting...in passing you can always say...."baby, I enjoy being able to feeling a part of your day...I know WE are BOTH busy in our worktime, but thank you for making me feel close to you with our notes during our work day". This way, you are stating something that makes you feel good, but not putting pressure on him. Also you might try to mirror his communication style. Let him initiate and lead. Finally, be grateful and see this as a gift. He is helping bring something out in you that needs work. This is a blessing. Do not look at this as a problem or feel guilt/shame around it. 4
AMusing Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 jphcbpa's post is excellent. It's good that you recognize that he hasn't actually done ANYTHING that might indicate he's not interested. Logically, you know this; you just sometimes let your illogical fearful side take over. So every time you start feeling insecure, consciously tell yourself that you're being irrational and then force yourself to look at things more realistically. Remind yourself of everything positive you wrote in your first post. It may even help to write it down (only the facts, not your fears), so you can read the evidence every time you feel that desire to text him too much. Then force your mind onto another topic, rather than letting yourself linger on him. If you are engrossed in something else, you can't spend too much time worrying about him. It might feel awkward and silly in the beginning, but eventually you'll train your mind to start focusing on evidence instead of fears. 1
jphcbpa Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 also check out the bottom of this thread on self validation you might find helpful... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/mind-body-soul/addiction-recovery/394222-i-am-love-addict
BluEyeL Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 I struggle with this too. For me, I start to worry when the pattern is altered, and start making scenarios on why is he pulling back, start analyzing the latest date and what could have gone wrong etc etc etc. The hardest is to fight the urge to contact. Not always, you can contact sometimes too, it shouldn't be one sided, but not every time you don't hear from him up to a certain time. I think the only way to get over it is to force yourself to look at the big picture. If it's meant to be, it's going to last. If not, worrying will not help and it's probably for the best. Keeping very busy with your life is also helpful in not sitting around obsessing and worrying. 2
KatZee Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 This is me to a T! Ugh, just look at my last thread. I go from "Omg we're dating!" to "Ugh I'm just a booty call." All sorts of crazy things go through my head and I REALLY like Jphc's response. It's clearly thoughts in MY head and not necessarily indicative of things going on in the real world. It's really hard not to let my mind wander down the negative thought path and for me I think this was reinforced by my ex who emotionally abused me at the end, and if I did/said/acted a way that he didn't like, he'd go off the map, ignore me, ice me out... and now when I see guys easing back with communication my thoughts jump to, "what did I do?!?! Does he not like me anymore??!" Obviously it's something that's going to be a constant struggle, but maybe Jphc is right. It's good the guy I'm talking to now is showing this to me and making me confront it. I don't give any indication of my thought process to the guy, it's always internal, but I wish it didn't have to happen at all. It's exhausting. 2
soccerrprp Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 It is completely natural to question when a pattern has changed. This is an indication that something has occurred to make that happen good or bad. No reason to feel anxious or guilty about feeling that way. This is why CONSISTENCY is SO important in relationships. Blips here or there is okay, but when one's MO changes so as to become contrary, one's human tendency is to wonder what is going on. The key is how you deal with such change. Do you become overly anxious and let it eat away at you or do you confront it and delve deeper into finding out what may have precipitated that change? In other words- COMMUNICATE.
Author atlg8r Posted July 3, 2013 Author Posted July 3, 2013 Thanks, all! I really appreciate all the insights and supportive responses. I have really only been out with this guy three or four times (depending on what qualifies as a "date"), but the first couple weeks, he texted me A LOT! So now that he's started a new job and we can't text as much, I am missing hearing from him. I am working on keeping busy at work. I'm going out of town to visit family the next few days, so I will try to focus on that instead of him. Thanks again!
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