MMY Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 People on LS said it would happen and I had my first Trigger but it was not about my ExAP. It was over a beer and it sounds so silly but it happened. Several people were at our lake house and getting ready for the long 4th weekend. My kids are 17 and 18 and up until the last year I never openly drank a beer in front of them. I know as they got older they knew what was in my cup but that is just how we felt. My w doesn't drink that much, just a few now and then. My trigger point is she asked me for a beer and then seen my son driving up and said never mind. That triggered back how we started loosing our connection with each other. She has always been so worried about the kids to the point we could not do anything (no date, no fun) without her worrying about when where what how with the kids. Things had gotten better but that just triggered something in me which in return triggered her to say what's wrong, I told her but she said I replied back with that same distant look in my eye I had before and asked if I had seen or thought about my ExAP. I said no but she cried all night and I was feeling distant again. I just didn't want to talk about it but I plan on sitting down with her today and going over our feelings. I don't know where I am going with this but I guess my question is after an A has been uncovered and H and W are working on the M and the AP is out of picture, do these triggers happen a lot and I am sure they happen less as time goes. Thanks
Snowflower Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 I had a difficult time understanding your post. Did you have a trigger about the affair or did your wife? My understanding is that triggers are something the BS experiences when something reminds them of their spouse's affair. From what you post, it sounds like your wife had triggered over something you had said or how you behaved. It also sounds like you were impatient with her response. But be forewarned, this is just the beginning. Your wife will have lots of triggers for months and even years. So to answer your question, yes, you can expect to deal with a lot of these triggers for a very long time. Your wife will have to deal with them firsthand. Can you handle that? 1
Author MMY Posted July 3, 2013 Author Posted July 3, 2013 Yes, I can and will handle it. Yes it was me on something that had to do with my w not my AP. Once I acted she reacted and brought up questions about ExAP. Yes, I can ramble in my messages and loose ya. A lot of times it is me talking to me. But I do hope to continue posting on LS cause it does help. Thanks
Sooverhim Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 Hi MMY! Yes, triggers happen for all of us, XMM,XMW,XOW,XOM, even when the A has not been discovered, they happen at any time over anything and they get us thinking ..... about what we did and why, about where we are going, and how, about what we want and what we don't want. You are completely normal MMY, and you are doing things right with your W, you are talking to her and explaining your feelings, and that's great. The triggers do lessen with time, and also we get to understand the triggers. I have lots of triggers that remind me of experiences with XMM, some happy but lots sad, and triggers that fill me with guilt and shame over what I did to H, but when they happen now (15 months after I ended my A) I don't feel fondly of XMM, I feel distant and detached from him, almost like he was a stranger I didn't really know very well but who I (stupidly) embarked on a crazy journey into lala land with. With triggers that hit me about my M and treatment of my H I take them on board and acknowledge them and I use them to drive me forward on improving my M and being a better W to my H. Chatting with your W about how you both feel is perfect MMY, it sounds like the two of you could do with a date/fun night:) Best wishes 1
Author MMY Posted July 3, 2013 Author Posted July 3, 2013 I know it is such a big decision to step away from a career and devote to a full time mom, taxi, waiter, lover, friend, counselor, doctor on and on. I appreciate my W and those that are willing to do that. I know our kids have benefited from this greatly. I know I acted in a wrong way and it took me a little time to sit back and see the affects of my reaction from last night. I will call her instead of waiting to sincerely apologies for my distant tone. Looking forward to this long 4th weekend and we don't need to start off on the wrong foot. 2
waterwoman Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 My husband said the same thing about me- I was so invested in the kids there was nothing left for him- can I tell you how much that pissed me off-I gave up my career because we agreed that raising the kids was job #1-he never said that he felt less than-guess what, I felt less than too but thought we were doing as we both agreed- - I could have written that post! I was so invested in the kids and my job and all the housework there was nothing left for him....but guess what! There wasn't much left for me either. I wasn't fun to be with. I wasn't much fun to be ...... hence in part my escalating depression. But like you, he never TOLD me these things while I did tell him how unhappy I was ....at least I did until I realised it made no difference. He told me he didn't feel loved. Neither did I. But everything that was wrong could have been fixed ages ago if he'd just not been so bloody afraid of TELLING me how he felt. Still this off topic... MMY - please understand that your wife is concerned about your kids because that is her nature. And that isn't a bad thing. But I do agree she needs to be able to let that go a bit. Blimey! My eldest and I compare notes on beers now . If this is a big deal with you you need to tell her and explain why. And please please please, if you get triggered again be straight with her or she will be constantly thinking that you are longing for your OW and she will feel diminished and worthless. She will trigger too..... constantly. Be patient, gentle and honest. 1
lilmisscantbewrong Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 One of the last times my xMM and I talked we both agreed we could be on a cloud and have triggers. This is honestly the truth. Does it get better? Yes. Does it happen as often as it did in the first year? No. But it does happen and sometimes it comes out of nowhere. Sometimes it is something that reminds me of xMM and sometimes not. There are times it is like your situation, MMY. It's something that takes us back and reverts us to how we were pre-affair - which led to the affair in some ways to begin with. We have been married for over 30 years so do ya think it's hard to change patterns that have been pretty much set it stone?? I try so hard to do and say things differently as I know he does too. It is so easy to fall back into old patterns of behavior for sure. I'm sorry to say you will be dealing with these things for some time. Did I said affairs suck? 1
JustAReformedGirl Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 Looks kind of like a double-trigger situation. You triggered about when you started losing your connection with your wife, and she mistakenly thought it was to do with the exAP, thus triggering her grief to do with your affair. Have I got that about right? It's good that you plan on talking to her; if she knows you didn't trigger about the exAP, but about your relationship with her, it might ease her mind somewhat. It might still upset her, but you can't help the truth of the matter. Problems existed before the affair which resulted in the affair (not condoning the act of cheating; just stating that everything has a consequence, good or bad) and problems still exist, now. I hope the conversation goes well, MMY. Let her know you don't blame her for the way things were, but make sure she knows how you feel when she constantly pulls away from you for the kids. I know, they say the children always have to come, first. But if that's the case, the parents never have time together as a couple, never get to enjoy aspects of their lives outside of parenthood. If parents never indulge in the things they enjoy, they quickly can lose themselves. If parents don't take a break from being parents now and then, it can adversely affect their relationship with their children, and make things more strained. Above all, your kids are on the cusp of adulthood; in fact, one of them is technically an adult. While I admire your wife's dedication, the kids no longer require sheltering. Soon, they will embark on their own life journeys away from both of you. if they aren't prepared to see their parents enjoying the occasional beer, they're not ready for the real world. Be patient with your wife, and be patient with yourself. As long as you're both committed to making this work, you're sure to overcome this obstacle. 2
Author MMY Posted July 3, 2013 Author Posted July 3, 2013 Rebel, you are right on the money. Thanks for the comments from everyone. Having LS folks to respond back gives me time to reflect and look at things from different perspectives from people who have been there. It also cost less. LOL 1
Snowflower Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 (edited) Rebel, you are right on the money. Thanks for the comments from everyone. Having LS folks to respond back gives me time to reflect and look at things from different perspectives from people who have been there. It also cost less. LOL It has been my experience that LS was as helpful as, if not more helpful than individual counseling for me. What I have learned here during my 4+ years has been invaluable. I haven't really asked for advice in quite some time but this place really helped me and so I stick around from time to time and try to give back. Hopefully this will be your experience as well, MMY. Edited July 3, 2013 by Snowflower
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