newbeginnings83 Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 I will start by providing a little background to the situation. I've been with my husband for 11 years, married for. During this time we've had 4 children. After our first son was born , ironically around the same time we were married he started being verbally and emotionally abusive. This would sometimes escalate to minor physical scuffles between us. The severity of the verbal abuse escalated over the years as well. I was a stay at home mom for 8 years, always taking care of the kids and basically sacrificed my 20's to our family.I rarely left to do anything alone, always with kids or family in tow. All the while putting myself through college online. It seemed that I could never do anything right, he would belittle me in public and call me names at home. The only time it seemed he cared was when he wanted to have sex. After awhile I lost all attraction for him. He would make promises to stop being the way he was only to quickly go back to his old ways. It was bad enough at times for me to have notified domestic violence shelters and contemplate taking the kids and leaving. Within the last 6 months I started working outside the home, the first time in 8 years. Within a few months my eye was quickly caught by a co-worker. We started having a physical and emotional affair. This went on for a few weeks before I decided I was going to tell my husband that I no longer wanted to be with him. I found someone who treated me like gold and it felt amazing. I was drinking daily during this time as well. Well my husband started to file for divorce and then I found out I was pregnant. The baby was not my husbands. My husband and I have decided to work on things. He however wants me to put this baby up for adoption, something I'm not willing to do. Am I being unrealistic with wanting to keep this baby? Or is he right in asking me to do this? He has realized he was wrong for treating me the way he did and blames it on the stress of having to be financially responsible for our family. I know what I did was wrong but I was hurt, the one person who I trusted and expected to treat me well was treating me like a piece of crap. I'm lost as to what to feel or think.
veryhappy Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 What's unrealistic is to try and work on this marriage. This guy will never forgive you stepping outside and getting pregnant with someone else. Your life will be a nightmare, but what's the difference since you already know how it is? He'll probably start beating you too, so you won't feel like cheating full of bruises. Good luck with breaking the abuse cycle. 3
Owl Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 I kind of agree with Cutedragon. Your marriage/relationship was abusive for years. This indicates that your H doesn't know how to manage his anger/feelings, and couldn't do so during a "normal" relationship with you. Now inject the stressors of trying to recover a marriage from infidelity, and the pain of trying to raise a child that he knows was fathered by someone else...I don't see high chances of a good relationship being built on this foundation. Realistically, I think you're both better off cutting your losses and ending your marriage to each other. Then work on helping to heal yourself first and foremost. THEN consider what the future might hold for you, relationship wise. 1
JustAReformedGirl Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 I'm sorry, but I don't trust your husband. He was abusive for all those years, and now that divorce was brought up, has realized the error of his ways? Uh-uh. This rings false with me. On a more dangerous note, the affair was a form of escapism. That isn't to say what your feeling isn't real; it honestly could be. I do suggest that, if you do divorce your husband, you don't do it just to jump into a relationship with this co-worker. Is said co-worker even available? Does he want more as well? Even if he says he does, he might not mean it-or he could in the heat of the moment, but become afraid by the sheer magnitude of the situation. You're pregnant with his child. This could get a whole lot more sticky. I really advise against staying with your husband; there is no excuse for the abuse. If cheating is inexcusable, then so too is abuse. Given what you've gone through, I cannot blame you for falling into an affair; it wasn't the right choice, but in this case, I don't say it because you were unfaithful; it wasn't the right choice because it could have led to more potential harm against you from your husband (how bad have these physical scuffles been? How frequent?) Is there any family you can seek out? Anywhere you can go with your kids? I'm not saying not allowing your husband rights to his children; the courts would work that out. But I honestly don't think staying with him is the right course. Of course, only you can decide what to do.
BeholdtheMan Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 I will start by providing a little background to the situation. I've been with my husband for 11 years, married for. During this time we've had 4 children. After our first son was born , ironically around the same time we were married he started being verbally and emotionally abusive. This would sometimes escalate to minor physical scuffles between us. The severity of the verbal abuse escalated over the years as well. I was a stay at home mom for 8 years, always taking care of the kids and basically sacrificed my 20's to our family.I rarely left to do anything alone, always with kids or family in tow. All the while putting myself through college online. It seemed that I could never do anything right, he would belittle me in public and call me names at home. The only time it seemed he cared was when he wanted to have sex. After awhile I lost all attraction for him. He would make promises to stop being the way he was only to quickly go back to his old ways. It was bad enough at times for me to have notified domestic violence shelters and contemplate taking the kids and leaving. Within the last 6 months I started working outside the home, the first time in 8 years. Within a few months my eye was quickly caught by a co-worker. We started having a physical and emotional affair. This went on for a few weeks before I decided I was going to tell my husband that I no longer wanted to be with him. I found someone who treated me like gold and it felt amazing. I was drinking daily during this time as well. Well my husband started to file for divorce and then I found out I was pregnant. The baby was not my husbands. My husband and I have decided to work on things. He however wants me to put this baby up for adoption, something I'm not willing to do. Am I being unrealistic with wanting to keep this baby? Or is he right in asking me to do this? He has realized he was wrong for treating me the way he did and blames it on the stress of having to be financially responsible for our family. I know what I did was wrong but I was hurt, the one person who I trusted and expected to treat me well was treating me like a piece of crap. I'm lost as to what to feel or think. My heart goes out to you if your husband is actually as abusive as you're trying to make him sound (I hope you're not just blame-shifting to justify your infidelity). However, having an affair and then getting knocked up by AP was a very stupid and wrong way handle the problem. What's the solution? Well, isn't it obvious? DIVORCE 1
Artie Lang Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 (edited) this is NEVER gonna work. it's clear this child is a major trigger, and is bound to be the apple of discord should you two pursue reconciliation. not very many men are willing to raise another man's child, especially by way of infidelity. seems like your husband is in this particular group. what of the OM's rights/responsibilities? if he's gonna be popping in & out of all your lives, this has the potential to throw a wrench in your efforts to reconcile. Edited July 3, 2013 by Artie Lang 1
underwater2010 Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 I suggest you divorce him....not only because he is abusive (from your side and there are always two sides) but because you are choosing to have a baby that is not his. He is right in asking that you put the child up for adoption. He would have serious issues raising a child that is not his and KNOWING that the child is a product of your affair.
Author newbeginnings83 Posted July 3, 2013 Author Posted July 3, 2013 There are a lot of logistics that go along with this. I'm a stay at home mom with 4 kids. I have no income and we own a house and other property together. I'm not in the position to file for divorce nor do I really want to. This have been rough but life in general is rough, I really don't think id have things any easier alone. I do not have family nearby and the family I do have are in no position to be helping me. I will not attempt to down play the abuse but it was and has been for the most part emotion and verbal. I've made a mistake and so has he. I feel that we can move past this if he can come to terms with the fact that I only cheated because he made me feel worthless. I know we do need to see a counselor,and who knows it may not be salvageable but I want to say I at least tried everything I could. I also wanted to add that for years prior to me cheating I made it known that we needed help that our relationship was suffering but I was shot down for every attempt I made to reconcile our marriage before things ever got this far out of control.
Author newbeginnings83 Posted July 3, 2013 Author Posted July 3, 2013 What's unrealistic is to try and work on this marriage. This guy will never forgive you stepping outside and getting pregnant with someone else. Your life will be a nightmare, but what's the difference since you already know how it is? He'll probably start beating you too, so you won't feel like cheating full of bruises. Good luck with breaking the abuse cycle. And I'm sorry but this is very harsh. No one is beating anyone and if I even thought this was a possibility I would high tail it out the door. I don't feel like cheating anyway, this was a one time thing not something that was on going for years. I was hurt emotionally for a long time but I felt by divorcing him I was being selfish to my children. I'm not saying what I did was right but I was hurt and it is very easy to act on emotion when you feel so helpless. Also, I had a tubal ligation, getting pregnant was a freak accident one that I didn't even know would happen.
Owl Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 Sounds to me like you've already determined your plan of action at this point. I'm not sure what additional support or advice you're hoping to find here?
JustAReformedGirl Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 Okay, so you at least tried for counselling and such before it went down this road. Yes, how he treated you resulted in you cheating-cheating is never truly justified, but it was a consequence of the poor relationship you two have shared after all these years. So if you are both really intent on reconciling-in which I still don't trust your husband, but if you do, that's your call-then you really need to come to a mutual decision on what's to happen with this illegitimate child. Adoption sounds very sad to me, to be honest. There are enough kids without homes as is. How far into the pregnancy are you? I know a lot of Pro-Lifers won't like it, but if you're still within the first trimester, abortion is an option. You already have four children, and you got knocked up by your AP. Unless your husband is willing to raise another kid-one that isn't his, no less-then I don't see a heck of a lot of other options. Abortion, or up for adoption. That's really it. I think you really need to ask yourself this, though; if you stay with your husband, will you actually be happy? Or are you doing this entirely for the security of your children? The latter is noble, in its own right; but it still wouldn't be entirely for the right reason. The choice is yours.
Turtles Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 This have been rough but life in general is rough, I really don't think id have things any easier alone. I'm sorry sweetie but you gave up making things easier when you chose to have an affair.
Zenstudent Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 There are a lot of logistics that go along with this. I'm a stay at home mom with 4 kids. I have no income and we own a house and other property together. I'm not in the position to file for divorce nor do I really want to. This have been rough but life in general is rough, I really don't think id have things any easier alone. I do not have family nearby and the family I do have are in no position to be helping me. I will not attempt to down play the abuse but it was and has been for the most part emotion and verbal. I've made a mistake and so has he. I feel that we can move past this if he can come to terms with the fact that I only cheated because he made me feel worthless. I know we do need to see a counselor,and who knows it may not be salvageable but I want to say I at least tried everything I could. I also wanted to add that for years prior to me cheating I made it known that we needed help that our relationship was suffering but I was shot down for every attempt I made to reconcile our marriage before things ever got this far out of control. This isn't about what's easy for you, sorry, it doesn't work that way. If your position is, that you insist on having the child, so be it, but your husband has a say in this matter - so he's in a position to file for divorce. I am 110% certain that I would in this case. No doubt in my mind. As for your claimed fact, you're not being honest with yourself. No one can make you feel or make you do anything - the thoughts, choices and actions are yours only. Own it. Start with this if you truly want to say you tried everything you could. 1
pteromom Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 If you insist on staying married to your H, then yes, I would place the baby for adoption. As sad as it is, it would be much much sadder to raise a child who is not accepted by his/her father and treated like an outcast. Your hubby is already an emotionally abusive person, so this child would be the perfect target.
It-is-what-it-is. Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 There are a lot of logistics that go along with this. I'm a stay at home mom with 4 kids. I have no income and we own a house and other property together. I'm not in the position to file for divorce nor do I really want to. This have been rough but life in general is rough, I really don't think id have things any easier alone. I do not have family nearby and the family I do have are in no position to be helping me. I will not attempt to down play the abuse but it was and has been for the most part emotion and verbal. I've made a mistake and so has he. I feel that we can move past this if he can come to terms with the fact that I only cheated because he made me feel worthless. I know we do need to see a counselor,and who knows it may not be salvageable but I want to say I at least tried everything I could. I also wanted to add that for years prior to me cheating I made it known that we needed help that our relationship was suffering but I was shot down for every attempt I made to reconcile our marriage before things ever got this far out of control. Gently...you only cheated because you chose to cheat. You chose the cheat rather than leaving the relationship or working to address your issues - which must be resolvable if you are claiming that you are working to stay together. It will not help your marriage if you do not accept responsibility for your mistake. As for the child, your husband believes that he cannot have the evidence of your infidelity in his daily life, forever. He has stated this boundary. He is prepared to end the marriage (right?) I can understand that. It must take a very strong person to deal with that. I couldn't. You have choices too. You just won't get the choice you want, which is to keep the child and keep the marriage and your current family intact. Consequence. I wish you the best, its a tough situation.
oldshirt Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 Your husband has treated you disrespectfully and abusively for over a decade and you think now that you screwed some other guy and are carrying another mans baby, he is going to change and treat you decently??????? Your maltreatment, disrespect and abuse are going to go OFF THE CHARTS in a short time. Perhaps even dangerously so, not only to you but also TO YOUR NEW CHILD! This man is abusive and mean. What do abusive and mean men to do their wive's and girlfriends children from other relationships? THEY HARM THEM. Sometimes they even kill them. And thankfully the laws have been amended now so that when abusive men abuse children, the mothers go to prison with them. Which means if your husband abuses, harms or kills your new child you will rightfully go to prison also because you knew that he was an abusive man and that bringing this other man's child into the home would increase the stress levels. cont....
oldshirt Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 Your husband does not want to reconcile the marriage because he loves you and wants to support and protect you. He simply wants to "WIN." He wants to beat out the other man and have you come crawling back to him so that he can pat himself on the back and stroke his ego by being the bigger man. He wants you to dump the other man and come crawling back to him in shame and defeat with your tail between your legs. He wants you to get rid of the other man's child so he doesn't have to deal with it and have it there as a daily reminder that your legs were over another man's shoulders and that you were digging it. He wants you beaten and defeated. He wants you dominated and at his mercy. If you hear nothing else that anyone on this thread has told you hear this - Your situation can only get worse if you stay with your husband. He will be nicey-nice and talk about reconciliation and the future. It is only a façade and an act. He will have even less appreciation and respect for you now than what he did before. He will have even less warmth and regard for you now. He will be even less likely to restrain himself from physically harming you now. You will be in danger. Your child will be in grave danger. If he harms your child you are also at risk for going to jail and your other children are at risk for removal as well. There is no fairy tale ending to this. This situation cannot be rectified by magic or good will or miracle happy endings. A leopard can not change it's spots. He is a disrespectful, aggressive, beligerant and abusive man. That will all continue to get worse if you try to make a life with him. You say your family cannot help you much. In your situation as long as they aren't abusing you and can put a roof over your head, it is a huge step up from the situation you are in now. 1
So happy together Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 I suggest you divorce him....not only because he is abusive (from your side and there are always two sides) but because you are choosing to have a baby that is not his. He is right in asking that you put the child up for adoption. He would have serious issues raising a child that is not his and KNOWING that the child is a product of your affair. Nobody has the right to take a child from it's mother. How could you possibly say HE is right with what she says he's been doing to her? What she should do is not stay with the husband. He's treating her badly. EVERY woman deserves better.
oldshirt Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 Actually by reading the poster's posts it sounds to me like the husband wanted to divorce her and she's the one who asked him to stay married to her. And she has also said that the abuse was mostly mental and emotional. I'm not defending her husbands abuse but I think you are reading things into this that aren't there. A couple of people think the husband is only promising to change to manipulate his wife into staying with him but my impression from the first post was that the husband was perfectly fine with his wife leaving and he was filing for divorce and it was she you wouldn't let go of the marriage. At this point I really don't think it matters who is trying the hardest to reconcile because sooner or later everyone is going to get hit by the flying shoes on the Jerry Springer Show. The only reason a mean, disrespectful, abusive man would want his drinking, cheating wife who's knocked up by another man to stay is so he can pat himself on the back that he "won" and then when the realities of daily life and his growing animosity and disdain set in, it's going to get really rough.
Recommended Posts