Hurt

[Exitleft]

We talked about children early on, I said I didn't want them, she tried to get me to come around. I tried to break it off because I knew I couldn't do that. She said she wanted to be with me with or without children, I said we should keep each other in the loop. Today she says she can't be with me because she wants them , story of my life. Hurt is an understatement.

[theonlyjuan]

It does suck.

 

If that's what she really wants, she should go for it. Never give up your dreams for anyone.

 

She shouldn't have said she wanted to be with you with or without.

[Exitleft]

It does suck.

 

If that's what she really wants, she should go for it. Never give up your dreams for anyone.

 

She shouldn't have said she wanted to be with you with or without.

 

I told her to go ahead, the thing is I told her this from the beginning and even during so I am cut that this has come up now and the reason she cannot be with me. I wonder what else I was right about.

[TaraMaiden]

I think this is more than enough, don't you?

[Exitleft]

I think this is more than enough, don't you?

 

Give it to me straight please. She is thinking of having them with her ex husband to boot.

[TaraMaiden]

Actually, that's a lot more logical than finding some random joe and getting pregnant by whoever.

 

It makes sense.

She knows him, and he may want kids too.

 

Hormones are schytty things.

When they start hollering and wailing, there's little even a woman can do to shut them up.

 

It's odious, but true.

[Exitleft]

Actually, that's a lot more logical than finding some random joe and getting pregnant by whoever.

 

It makes sense.

She knows him, and he may want kids too.

 

Hormones are schytty things.

When they start hollering and wailing, there's little even a woman can do to shut them up.

 

It's odious, but true.

 

Yeah, sucks when she tells you she's gay though.

[TaraMaiden]

Maybe she is.... my daughter's bisexual, she lives with a guy and has a child by him...

 

She may have feelings towards other women. Doesn't mean she can't have children, or doesn't want them....

[Exitleft]

Maybe she is.... my daughter's bisexual, she lives with a guy and has a child by him...

 

She may have feelings towards other women. Doesn't mean she can't have children, or doesn't want them....

 

You're actually one of my favorite posters, so I will be polite. But a lesbian and a bisexual woman are not one in the same so you can see why I am frustrated. But I would never say either way that implies someone can't or won't want children. *sigh.

 

This is a lot to process.

[TaraMaiden]

Sweetheart, shave it right back to the main issue in hand.

Lay aside every consideration except one.

 

You both decided it was ok to have a relationship without kids.

She changed her mind.

 

I put it down to hormones, and 9 times out of 10, there is a drive there.

 

you haven't changed your mind.

You are still of the mind you really don't want kids. And that's absolutely fine, your prerogative, right and nobody would have the right to persuade you otherwise.

 

Really, let's face facts:

You dodged the proverbial bullet.

Thank your lucky stars you aren't married.

Or that she stopped taking birth control, and got pregnant 'by accident'.

[Exitleft]

Sweetheart, shave it right back to the main issue in hand.

Lay aside every consideration except one.

 

You both decided it was ok to have a relationship without kids.

She changed her mind.

 

I put it down to hormones, and 9 times out of 10, there is a drive there.

 

you haven't changed your mind.

You are still of the mind you really don't want kids. And that's absolutely fine, your prerogative, right and nobody would have the right to persuade you otherwise.

 

Really, let's face facts:

You dodged the proverbial bullet.

Thank your lucky stars you aren't married.

Or that she stopped taking birth control, and got pregnant 'by accident'.

 

I'm a woman so no chance of getting her pregnant by accident

 

Yes I know you're right but this does hurt none the less I won't lie. We spent so long talking about it. I know she is entitled to change her mind, I never tried to keep her one way or another. I am just shattered to say the least.

 

You might have to put the boot in with me though, she has made me act stupid I admit. When I say that, meaning... not accepting things for what they are after having been left twice once to go back to her ex.

[TaraMaiden]

I'm a woman so no chance of getting her pregnant by accident

I apologise for the faux pas.Yes I know you're right but this does hurt That was a stupid assumption of mine.

 

none the less I won't lie. We spent so long talking about it. I know she is entitled to change her mind, I never tried to keep her one way or another. I am just shattered to say the least.

I can understand the feelings of betrayal.

The only thing I can say is that you should try to distance yourself from taking it personally, if you can...

 

Much to my everlasting shame (and I expect no 'forgiveness' for this, because it was inexcusable, and I really don't merit it) I once told my H that if he wouldn't give me the baby I craved, I'd get someone else to give me one.

 

That was a despicable thing to say to him, and all I can say in my defence is that when hormones govern your thinking, it's like a tsunami. Really, it's overwhelming, powerful and it's an horrific thing to fight....

 

You might have to put the boot in with me though, she has made me act stupid I admit. When I say that, meaning... not accepting things for what they are after having been left twice once to go back to her ex.

 

If you know how dumb you've been already, my pointing that out to you and beating you over the head with it, isn't really constructive.

 

However - I trust a third time is definitely off the cards....?

[Exitleft]

I apologise for the faux pas.Yes I know you're right but this does hurt That was a stupid assumption of mine.

 

 

I can understand the feelings of betrayal.

The only thing I can say is that you should try to distance yourself from taking it personally, if you can...

 

Much to my everlasting shame (and I expect no 'forgiveness' for this, because it was inexcusable, and I really don't merit it) I once told my H that if he wouldn't give me the baby I craved, I'd get someone else to give me one.

 

That was a despicable thing to say to him, and all I can say in my defence is that when hormones govern your thinking, it's like a tsunami. Really, it's overwhelming, powerful and it's an horrific thing to fight....

 

 

 

If you know how dumb you've been already, my pointing that out to you and beating you over the head with it, isn't really constructive.

 

However - I trust a third time is definitely off the cards....?

 

If you weren't married lol

 

Seriously though, no really give it to me if you want. You'd be surprised how much I put up with here. I sincerely thought I had fallen in love for the first time and it hit me like a tonne of bricks.

 

Maybe I was just an idealistic idiot.

 

I understand if someone wants children, I asked her if she wanted them with me. She said no

 

I don't really relate to it all but I understand in part.

 

I guess it's just really heartbreaking to have her say she wants anything more than me at this point.

 

She is not even planning anytime soon lol. I don't know. The fact that she has is uncertain whether or not her ex will father her children speaks volumes.

 

I am a firm believer in people believing one another on these issues.

 

What can I say.

[hoping2heal]

Having children is such a complex issue that I think people go into it with good intentions and are just lying to themselves. She must have loved you alot to try and bury the unction but she had to face the truth eventually. Of course that's hurtful to you but I think it's only going to happen again and again with women who want children.

[Exitleft]

Having children is such a complex issue that I think people go into it with good intentions and are just lying to themselves. She must have loved you alot to try and bury the unction but she had to face the truth eventually. Of course that's hurtful to you but I think it's only going to happen again and again with women who want children.

 

Thank you for your input. I never asked her to sacrifice it, in fact I always told her it was not something someone could compromise on either way and yet I am not 100% opposed but I mostly don't want any but I want her.

 

I don't know if my mind will change in a few years. When she was my age she already wanted them. I can't say I feel the same way.I was afraid of how it would change the relationship among other things.

[Exitleft]

I apologise for the faux pas.Yes I know you're right but this does hurt That was a stupid assumption of mine.

 

 

I can understand the feelings of betrayal.

The only thing I can say is that you should try to distance yourself from taking it personally, if you can...

 

Much to my everlasting shame (and I expect no 'forgiveness' for this, because it was inexcusable, and I really don't merit it) I once told my H that if he wouldn't give me the baby I craved, I'd get someone else to give me one.

 

That was a despicable thing to say to him, and all I can say in my defence is that when hormones govern your thinking, it's like a tsunami. Really, it's overwhelming, powerful and it's an horrific thing to fight....

 

 

 

If you know how dumb you've been already, my pointing that out to you and beating you over the head with it, isn't really constructive.

 

However - I trust a third time is definitely off the cards....?

 

May I ask if your husband didn't want children or just not another?

[hoping2heal]

Thank you for your input. I never asked her to sacrifice it, in fact I always told her it was not something someone could compromise on either way and yet I am not 100% opposed but I mostly don't want any but I want her.

 

I don't know if my mind will change in a few years. When she was my age she already wanted them. I can't say I feel the same way.I was afraid of how it would change the relationship among other things.

 

I understand what you're saying. You were true to yourself and she tried to deny herself to be with you, even though you didn't ask that of her. She wanted to try because she loved you so much. But, giving up something like children for those who really want them I think is the ultimate lie detector.

[TaraMaiden]

This is a comment I posted in another thread:

 

I for one, am not 'a young mum'.

I'm 57, have two children whom I absolutely adore, and am delighted I had - but if I had my time all over again, I'd certainly think twice about motherhood.

 

Coincidentally, and for reasons I am not entirely sure of, I have already this week, had 2 completely separate discussions with two completely separate mums, and both - BOTH! - unprompted by me, expressed a wish that they'd never had the children, because as far as they were both concerned, the cons, so far, totally outweighed the pro's.

 

This was nothing against their kids personally. They just wished they weren't mothers, with an expensive millstone (or 2) around their necks.

 

And both are relatively comfortably well-off, too. One is divorced, the other married. Both are not only children, and have brothers/sisters, with kids of their own.

 

Sadly, hormonal urges make us desperately want to have a child - and all rationale and logic flies out of the window.

It's utterly impossible to reason with a woman overwhelmed by her hormones.

There IS absolutely no logic whatsoever to having a child - and putting hormones aside for a moment, many couples who have children do so, for reasons far removed from hormones.

 

Ask any couple why they think they'd like a child (where hormones are NOT in play) and they really can't think of a feasible or justifiable reason, other than it being the done thing, and it's expected of them, and their parents want grandchildren.....

 

Wanting to have children doesn't make you good material to be a mother or father.

Any idiot can be a parent.

Sadly, plenty are.

 

If your ex's desire to have a child is NOT hormone-driven, then it does bode the question: "What the hell are you thinking - ?!"

[Exitleft]

I understand what you're saying. You were true to yourself and she tried to deny herself to be with you, even though you didn't ask that of her. She wanted to try because she loved you so much. But, giving up something like children for those who really want them I think is the ultimate lie detector.

 

I don't think she'd have them with me either tbh. It seems much harder for me to consider living without her than the reverse.

[Exitleft]

This is a comment I posted in another thread:

 

 

 

Sadly, hormonal urges make us desperately want to have a child - and all rationale and logic flies out of the window.

It's utterly impossible to reason with a woman overwhelmed by her hormones.

There IS absolutely no logic whatsoever to having a child - and putting hormones aside for a moment, many couples who have children do so, for reasons far removed from hormones.

 

Ask any couple why they think they'd like a child (where hormones are NOT in play) and they really can't think of a feasible or justifiable reason, other than it being the done thing, and it's expected of them, and their parents want grandchildren.....

 

Wanting to have children doesn't make you good material to be a mother or father.

Any idiot can be a parent.

Sadly, plenty are.

 

If your ex's desire to have a child is NOT hormone-driven, then it does bode the question: "What the hell are you thinking - ?!"

 

I was afraid I would be one of the people that regretted it. I like kids, worked with them for a time and enjoyed it. I wanted one at 22 and it was such a fleeting thing it went and as time went on it never really came back.

 

I have only been forced to consider it when her and I spoke of it. It was a problem for a long time and was a source of contention in the relationship in general. I know if I had them with anyone it would be her but aside from very different ideas on parenting, I am not sure at all.

 

I am aware my mind may or may not change in future but it's the fact that her mind is set, a health scare brought it on but she wanted them before that and just went with '' with or without'' we'd be together.

 

I guess you are telling me to let the dead lie, aren't you?

[TaraMaiden]

Hmmm.... might be your safest, if not best, bet, really....

 

No amount of blinding logic is in the slightest bit of use, when arguing against a piece of foolishness.

 

It would be better for your own peace of mind yea - to let it lie....

[Exitleft]

Hmmm.... might be your safest, if not best, bet, really....

 

No amount of blinding logic is in the slightest bit of use, when arguing against a piece of foolishness.

 

It would be better for your own peace of mind yea - to let it lie....

 

She doesn't want them with me anyway so no choice really.

[Chi townD]

If you don't want kids, then you don't want kids.

 

 

but, I will say this, I've know a bunch of guys that swore that they never wanted kids. But, once they had them, they became the best Dad's in the world to them. Always involved in there lives, became coaches for their sports teams, taking them to amusement parks, loved family vacations......

 

 

Up to you, you never know until you try. And is this worth losing her over?

 

That's something you have to ask yourself.

[TaraMaiden]

If you don't want kids, then you don't want kids.

 

 

but, I will say this, I've know a bunch of guys that swore that they never wanted kids. But, once they had them, they became the best Dad's in the world to them. Always involved in there lives, became coaches for their sports teams, taking them to amusement parks, loved family vacations......

 

 

Up to you, you never know until you try. And is this worth losing her over?

 

That's something you have to ask yourself.

 

(Chi townD, are you assuming the OP is male - like i did...?

 

She isn't..... )

[Exitleft]

(Chi townD, are you assuming the OP is male - like i did...?

 

She isn't..... )

 

oh you