Queen of Sheba Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 How long before you as BS were able to have sex with WS again and how many times before you could actually do it without thinking of them together? I can't even call it making love anymore. Does the AP ever think of the WS with their BS?
krazikat Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 How long before you as BS were able to have sex with WS again and how many times before you could actually do it without thinking of them together? I can't even call it making love anymore. Does the AP ever think of the WS with their BS? not long, one day maybe, I wasn't going to punish myself for his stupidity. Plus, at that point I knew the A was over, but was planning on divorce, so I thought I would enjoy the sex while I had it in front of me, being my husband and all. I just won't let my self think about it....I have categorized her as his past...and now that we are r I know I am his past, present, and future. My h was surprised by this, but we had sex frequently before dday. Now, if I had any reason to believe they were still involved, not only would there be no sex, but a divorce. I am confident the A ended as soon as he was confronted with it.
krazikat Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 OW here' date=' Yuck, if i knew for sure that he had had sex with BS, then I would not fancy him at all. ewwwwwww. Strange how people can block that out. Not me, I would feel it.[/quote'] Ya, I agree. Knowingly having sex and falling in love with a married man has that risk. My H and I had an active sex life during the A. I find it gross, absolutely gross, that I was unknowingly sharing my H with another woman. But by the time I knew, their relationship was over. Like I said, the sex would not have continued of there was any doubt as to his relationship with ow. 4
Realist3 Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 How long before you as BS were able to have sex with WS again and how many times before you could actually do it without thinking of them together? I can't even call it making love anymore. Does the AP ever think of the WS with their BS? I know it happens, but does not bother me one iota.
compulsivedancer Posted July 4, 2013 Posted July 4, 2013 How long before you as BS were able to have sex with WS again and how many times before you could actually do it without thinking of them together? I can't even call it making love anymore. Does the AP ever think of the WS with their BS? During the affair or after? Since my AP was in long-term relationship, I was both WS and OW. During the affair, when I thought of him being with his girlfriend emotionally, I was jealous. When I thought of him being with her physically, it was a turn on. He liked this a lot. He, however, never ever ever wanted to think of me with my H, though he knew we were still active. Since DDay we've been completely NC. I still think of them together, but not sexually. Now, the few times it's crossed my mind, it's a bit distasteful to me, especially since this is one of the most shameful parts of the affair for me (he told me she had given him permission).
Praying4Peace Posted July 4, 2013 Posted July 4, 2013 You won't think about it once you get the emotional intimacy back. It's when that isn't there (very understandable considering the circumstances) that it is reduced to an act that feels like it might have been repeated somewhere...and that is regardless of whether you have a huge O or not. The best sex ever in terms of physiological response pales in comparison to sex with a deep emotional connection, so focus on that but you are only human and it has to be a two way street. 1
AbeNormal Posted July 4, 2013 Posted July 4, 2013 During the affair or after? Since my AP was in long-term relationship, I was both WS and OW. During the affair, when I thought of him being with his girlfriend emotionally, I was jealous. When I thought of him being with her physically, it was a turn on. He liked this a lot. He, however, never ever ever wanted to think of me with my H, though he knew we were still active. Since DDay we've been completely NC. I still think of them together, but not sexually. Now, the few times it's crossed my mind, it's a bit distasteful to me, especially since this is one of the most shameful parts of the affair for me (he told me she had given him permission). Sounds like progress. But you have touched on a difference between men (typical men) and women (typical women) - that you might want to keep in mind in dealing with your husband. For men, sex is an atomic bomb. For you, the emotional side was what got you upset. Yes men are VERY UPSET with the emotional side of things, but (as I type) I cannot find a way to effect a "super capitalization" - that I would apply to the physical side. Men and women are different.
AbeNormal Posted July 4, 2013 Posted July 4, 2013 (edited) .............. (double post somehow - and no way to delete a post) Edited July 4, 2013 by AbeNormal
compulsivedancer Posted July 4, 2013 Posted July 4, 2013 A few times, however, I've said something accidentally during sex that triggered my H. It was very obvious when he instantly became soft.
jnel921 Posted July 4, 2013 Posted July 4, 2013 I had my share of mind movies and the details he did share with me. Then the OW forwarded pics which didn't help. I still had sex with him. It was great. I could tell he wanted to be attentive to me. He still is that way. We went through a hysterical bonding period. The sex isn't as frequent because of our schedules, but we are trying to keep it hot in other ways. When the A is fresh out into the open it may take some time. 1
HopingAgain Posted July 4, 2013 Posted July 4, 2013 We had sex again 4 days after Dday. I'm almost ashamed to say.it, but that night and for quite some time afterwards the sex was phenomenal. I guess hysterical bonding is a plus in that area. It did bother me at first even though WH and OW didn't have sex. Knowing they kissed really made it difficult at first but I'm no longer bothered by that aspect. 6 months later and the sex is as good as it ever has been in our marriage. 1
AbeNormal Posted July 4, 2013 Posted July 4, 2013 (edited) A few times, however, I've said something accidentally during sex that triggered my H. It was very obvious when he instantly became soft. Men (at least talking from my perspective) will not always discuss the chaos in their head. But you should know from the "instantly became soft" that there is tremendous chaos/pain there. Please just be aware of this and pay attention - men are not infinitely malleable - at some point they will break. My wife does not understand the thoughts that go through my head when we have had sex after the "bonding" following D-Day (since I don't share them) - she does not know the chaos in my mind. I have gone to the trouble of getting ED drugs - but lately I just avoid the situation. Not good for either of us. Very painful. And something I HOPE to correct soon - I am trying. If you are interested, perhaps I can write more at another time. In the meantime, PLEASE know that your husband's self-esteem, self-worth, and manhood! have taken a huge hit. Please be patient and kind to him. And please be upfront and honest. Please be his friend and confidant. Best wishes. Edited July 4, 2013 by AbeNormal 2
compulsivedancer Posted July 4, 2013 Posted July 4, 2013 I wasn't upset by it, except for being angry at myself and the affair for getting in the way. The last time it happened, I said something playful that reminded him of the A. I knew the instant the words left my mouth that they'd have that effect, but of course it was already too late. Abe, I would definitely be interested in hearing more, especially if you have advice to give, but I don't want to thread jack...
AbeNormal Posted July 4, 2013 Posted July 4, 2013 (edited) I wasn't upset by it, except for being angry at myself and the affair for getting in the way. The last time it happened, I said something playful that reminded him of the A. I knew the instant the words left my mouth that they'd have that effect, but of course it was already too late. Abe, I would definitely be interested in hearing more, especially if you have advice to give, but I don't want to thread jack... OK, perhaps we can take it up in another thread (I'd be curious about the responses from other men - but I'd be surprised if, on average, they were not similar to mine and what you are seeing from you husband...). [At least if we could get them to drop the macho stuff and say what they were actually feeling/experiencing!] Your husband is in emotional purgatory. It is a strange and painful place. Please continue to try and help him. Edited July 4, 2013 by AbeNormal 1
Author Queen of Sheba Posted July 4, 2013 Author Posted July 4, 2013 Trouble is I had problems with desire (so the reasno he went elsewhere to see what was normal!) so now of course I have added problems. Any ideas? I was working on my desire - reading a very good book etc. but that wasn't enough he had to go and have an affair. So with all the issues that being a BS has I have the added crap of knowing why he went elsewhere (but still having sex with me) and having problems anyway. he just made a problem that was getting better hideously more difficult. Any ideas??!
save150 Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 Trouble is I had problems with desire (so the reasno he went elsewhere to see what was normal!) so now of course I have added problems. Any ideas? I was working on my desire - reading a very good book etc. but that wasn't enough he had to go and have an affair. So with all the issues that being a BS has I have the added crap of knowing why he went elsewhere (but still having sex with me) and having problems anyway. he just made a problem that was getting better hideously more difficult. Any ideas??! I don't have any suggestions - I'm sorry. Sex was not a problem but he did drop off during the A. It lasted 2 years. I thought we were just being the old married couple. And I wasn't interested in the sexual gory details. I read some of it in their messages. It was the DECEPTION that flew me over the cuckoo's nest. It was quite masterful. But like in any A - most A's rather - they got careless.
NotCamelot Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 the most difficult part-being married to a liar is far more difficult than being married to a cheat- Is there a difference? After turning into a BS, I can't see any difference between the two. It takes a liar to cheat.
NordicStripes Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 We had a good sex-life for most of our relationship, only the last couple of months prior to d-day he didn't show much interest in me... He did have sex with me right before he started to sleep with her... Ever since D-day (now 2 years ago) I haven't been able to have sex with him without having mind-movies, and thinking about the fact that what we are doing is meaningless since it was so easy for him to do with someone else. We have sex once every three months or so, and I never can really enjoy it. The sad thing is, we're also still so young... I'm 27, he's 25.
Author Queen of Sheba Posted July 8, 2013 Author Posted July 8, 2013 We had a good sex-life for most of our relationship, only the last couple of months prior to d-day he didn't show much interest in me... He did have sex with me right before he started to sleep with her... Ever since D-day (now 2 years ago) I haven't been able to have sex with him without having mind-movies, and thinking about the fact that what we are doing is meaningless since it was so easy for him to do with someone else. We have sex once every three months or so, and I never can really enjoy it. The sad thing is, we're also still so young... I'm 27, he's 25. Have you thought about leaving? What has he done to help and do you know if he's not seeing someone else to get sex? You are very young and certainly not too young to try again?
Spark1111 Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 FBW here and we never stopped having sex during his affair although we did fall to twice a week and I chalked it up to job stress..... After DDay I threw him out to be with his soulmate, but there was an emergency with one of our children and he came home and....initiated. Here's what I rationalized: He's MY HUSBAND DAMMIT, and we may be heading to D but I too have needs and WhoTH knows when I will have an opportunity again? So, since the affair was robbing me of everything I held dear, I was not going to allow it of robbing me of what had always been a strength in our relationship, our sexual chemistry and compatibility. I pressed pause on the mind movies and betrayal and just enjoyed myself and lived in the moment. I do not regret it at all. 1
Betrayed&Stayed Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 How long before you as BS were able to have sex with WS again and how many times before you could actually do it without thinking of them together? It was 4 years past d-day before I could have sex without a "flash" of an image or mind-movie. Now at 5+ years past D-day, I still have occasional "images" but it is not as invasive.
NordicStripes Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 Have you thought about leaving? What has he done to help and do you know if he's not seeing someone else to get sex? You are very young and certainly not too young to try again? Yes, I have thought about leaving. But despite the sexual difficulties, I love him so much that I couldn't bare not giving us another try. He's been very understanding about it all, even though it mist be very frustrating for him. I'm also quite certain he's not seeing someone else, he's cut his social life down a lot, and whenever he's away with friends, he has his gps on (on his cellphone) so I can see where he is at all times. He also sends me regular texts when he's out, and immediately picks up the phone/answers text messages. He's really doing everything he can to help me. But I guess this just takes time... I'm one of those people who 'saved' myself for the right person. I take sex really seriously. It just hurts that he doesn't...
Confused48 Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 Maybe b/c my situation before and during the A was that of great physical relations with WS, I've had a similar experience as Spark1111. WS and I had sex on Dday. At WS's initiative. It was a good way to try to start recon. Hysterical Bonding lasted a few weeks. It helped me/us. Mind movies are a problem but typically get put on pause during sex for me. With no effort by me. When the MM do happen during sex it is over. I can't go on. But that is very rare. More commonly it is when I'm thinking of initiating and then it ruins that thought. But then I just don't initiate. As far as getting rid of mind movies, I am desperate. Almost 12 months since Dday and no let up. I've heard of and investigated EMRD therapy. I'm probably going to try that. If you did not have a lot of desire pre-Dday, don't expect it to come on its own now. Maybe be proactive about figuring out that problem. P.S. I really enjoy all your threads Q of S and wish you well.
Author Queen of Sheba Posted July 8, 2013 Author Posted July 8, 2013 I'm one of those people who 'saved' myself for the right person. I take sex really seriously. It just hurts that he doesn't... That's a bugger isn't it? I did that with one previous partner and suffered without knowing it. Naivety meant that when it was painful I let him carrry on. Big time damage done, so when current partner came along problems big time. So he put up with a lot..... hence many many years of being together and well, problems!
Author Queen of Sheba Posted July 8, 2013 Author Posted July 8, 2013 If you did not have a lot of desire pre-Dday, don't expect it to come on its own now. Maybe be proactive about figuring out that problem. P.S. I really enjoy all your threads Q of S and wish you well. yes well, I was reading a very good book that I thought was going to be really helpful.... half way through then found out about the affair, haven't picked it up since..... I should I suppose but at moment still feel like it's all for him and he doesn't damn well deserve it. I need to get into the franme of mind that it is for me too and perhaps then I'll be more ready to overcome problems. Thank you. My first post was going to be 5 pages so I have loooooooooooooooads more threads to start!! You too x
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