JustAReformedGirl Posted July 4, 2013 Posted July 4, 2013 She is doing a piss-poor job. I don't think she realizes it nor has enough time to care especially after I told her I did have some abandonment issues from time to time. Your abandonment issues aside, if she really wants the relationship to work out, it requires effort on both ends; right now, she's too busy with everything and everyone else. And while I can understand her need for some social freedom when she has so much going on, it's not fair for her to expect you to just sit there and wait for her to have time for you. Because since they were young their parents were pushing them together to be in a relationship. For years they've been having flings on and off, but only flings bc one of them would later get into a relationship and the timing would never be quite right. It's never good when the parents get involved. It's not their decision who their children date. As long as their kids aren't with murderous psychopaths, they shouldn't have felt pressured into something like that. She did want to rationally talk it out last night which was good. I confronted her and I didn't say she was cheating physically but it felt like she was emotionally. She appeared insulted and angry. I said to her you should understand how it all looks from my perspective. She says he's her best friend which is why she's hanging out so much with him and not anyone else. She may be justified in being upset, but more often than not, for one person to be insulted means the other must have struck a nerve. I'll buy that they haven't done anything; they've been best friends awhile. But if there are feelings involved, it doesn't help your relationship one iota. It still sounds like you're just filling in. Or perhaps she does want to be with you, but is still dealing with pressure from her parents. I really don't believe she would physically cheat, but this weekend I rented a cabin for her 21st bday for a romantic getaway & so her friends could stay one night to drink. She has basically all guy friends (which I'm okay with) and a couple girl friends. It'll be the first time she gets actually drunk, so if she kisses this particular guy friend I'm cutting it off completely and not looking back. Likewise, I have more male friends than female. I think your decision is fair; if she does anything questionable at the cabin, you are well within your rights to end it. You deserve better than to just be a stand-in boyfriend. Of course, that's just my interpretation of your scenario. I truly hope you mean more than that to her. She is very intelligent. Though I've written in a psychology book bc my professor asked me to. I had top scores in that class and a really good grasp of that material. So when I tell her she's projecting, then she says "not everything is scientific [OP]." Oh, I have no doubt of her intelligence; but it sounds like she's just talking out her a$$, so to speak, to deflect anything and everything you have to say on the matter. By not understanding your point of view, she's showing a lack of maturity. I feel like there are two sides to this relationship. The side that is socially acceptable and the side that isn't. What do you feel the socially acceptable side comprises of? What of the side that isn't? What hurt me the most was a long while back. We were cuddling in the car and I ask her what makes her most happy. She answered in order: her work, her boss (who she had a former secret relationship with), tyler, and then me. Are you sure she did that in order of importance to her? If so, that is troubling.
Mrlonelyone Posted July 4, 2013 Posted July 4, 2013 Yeah I do see the imbalance. Well I won't see her until the end of the month anyway. She's going off to work at a summer camp. Interesting, Very interesting.
Author ashan271 Posted July 4, 2013 Author Posted July 4, 2013 What do you feel the socially acceptable side comprises of? What of the side that isn't? Are you sure she did that in order of importance to her? If so, that is troubling. In society we sometimes lie about ourselves and present a facade of who we are and how we appear to others. For the sake of making us appear and meet social standards. Sometimes I wonder if it's the fake side or real side I'm dealing with. Yeah it was order of importance....she then said to cover it up that none of them make her feel wanted though like me. But that's an obvious lie.
JustAReformedGirl Posted July 4, 2013 Posted July 4, 2013 In society we sometimes lie about ourselves and present a facade of who we are and how we appear to others. For the sake of making us appear and meet social standards. Sometimes I wonder if it's the fake side or real side I'm dealing with. In your shoes, that's what I'd be wondering, too. Even though her parents and her male friend's parents pushed them to be together, I can't help wondering if you're a stand-in to keep both sets of parents at bay (as in she and this friend might not be ready to risk their friendship on something more, and know the parents will leave her alone if she's already with someone.) If you're merely an option, I would get out as soon as humanly possible. If you are truly her choice, she needs to put more effort into the relationship. Yeah it was order of importance....she then said to cover it up that none of them make her feel wanted though like me. But that's an obvious lie. That is hurtful. I can understand if you weren't first on the list...but to be dead last? I am sorry for you.
kaylan Posted July 4, 2013 Posted July 4, 2013 (edited) Dude, dont be a scrub for a girl who disrespects you like this. Basically shes telling you all this crap because she wants more freedom to go screw around on you. You arent being clingy AT ALL. You guys hang out a lot less than most couples. Twice a week is NO biggie. And why in the hell would you allow her to hang out with some other guy alone? I would have left as soon as I heard that. Move on and find better. You are young. Dont waste youth on a trash woman like this.If she hates being tied down so much perhaps she should...oh I don't know, BE SINGLE! have you met this guy before/seen them interact? this is way too much drama for a relationship that is 3 months young! This. OP, she just wants more time to cheat on you. Im very certain its already happening. Edited July 4, 2013 by kaylan 1
pcplod Posted July 4, 2013 Posted July 4, 2013 She is simply playing you like a fiddle, Not a tune I would particularly want to hear if in your position. I could suggest all sorts of reasons why, but if you have any passing interest in human behaviour, you must know yourself. Yet you seem to be prepared to a) make excuses for her, b) find fault with yourself. What does that suggest to you about your behaviour?
Author ashan271 Posted July 4, 2013 Author Posted July 4, 2013 In your shoes, that's what I'd be wondering, too. Even though her parents and her male friend's parents pushed them to be together, I can't help wondering if you're a stand-in to keep both sets of parents at bay (as in she and this friend might not be ready to risk their friendship on something more, and know the parents will leave her alone if she's already with someone.) If you're merely an option, I would get out as soon as humanly possible. If you are truly her choice, she needs to put more effort into the relationship. That is hurtful. I can understand if you weren't first on the list...but to be dead last? I am sorry for you. It wasn't as strongly forced as you think. It was more of a kind of gentle pushing, but she speaks of him so fondly and he keeps coming up in convo more and more. I said to her I don't like talking about him and to switch the convo, but she kept talking about him more later on. I'm interested in seeing how things will turn out. I've decided now that I'm using this as a learning experience to see which side is right. If she's really lying or just terrible at relationships. I'll let you know how things progress.
Author ashan271 Posted July 4, 2013 Author Posted July 4, 2013 She is simply playing you like a fiddle, Not a tune I would particularly want to hear if in your position. I could suggest all sorts of reasons why, but if you have any passing interest in human behaviour, you must know yourself. Yet you seem to be prepared to a) make excuses for her, b) find fault with yourself. What does that suggest to you about your behaviour? It's more that I'm trying to rationalize and understand her position. I want to be an understanding and caring boyfriend. So I'm seeing through her eyes why her behavior is acceptable. You're right though. The suggestions don't lead to the best of conclusion. 1
JustAReformedGirl Posted July 4, 2013 Posted July 4, 2013 It wasn't as strongly forced as you think. It was more of a kind of gentle pushing, but she speaks of him so fondly and he keeps coming up in convo more and more. I said to her I don't like talking about him and to switch the convo, but she kept talking about him more later on. I'm interested in seeing how things will turn out. I've decided now that I'm using this as a learning experience to see which side is right. If she's really lying or just terrible at relationships. I'll let you know how things progress. That makes a certain amount of sense. Well, if you're determined to stay this course, be careful. Protect your heart as much as you can. 1
bubbaganoosh Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 Friend. I admire that you want to be the kind and understanding boyfriend, really I do, but don't you think that maybe she should shoot a little your way too? Think about it. What are you getting for your effort? NOTHING! ZILCH! ZERO! Her "friend" comes over and watches shows on HBO that are sexual in nature on her bed with her and your sitting home with a bowl of popcorn watching Booger the Clown on the cartoon network. She says she misses you and when you come over, she starts to complain that your not giving her space. What you should do is when she goes to summer camp and she sends you a text, don't answer. When she calls, don't answer until you feel like talking and when she asks you why you haven't answered her texts or phone calls, very calmly tell her that your giving her the space she craves. All in all, why are you wasting your time with someone who has time for everyone else and not her boyfriend? Sorry to say but you picked a dud. Go find someone who will want to spend her time with you. She's lying on her bed with another guy watching adult shows, doesn't that tell you what you need to know? You don't need us to tell you that. You should have enough common sense to know that yourself. Send her packing.
Author ashan271 Posted July 5, 2013 Author Posted July 5, 2013 Friend. I admire that you want to be the kind and understanding boyfriend, really I do, but don't you think that maybe she should shoot a little your way too? Think about it. What are you getting for your effort? NOTHING! ZILCH! ZERO! Her "friend" comes over and watches shows on HBO that are sexual in nature on her bed with her and your sitting home with a bowl of popcorn watching Booger the Clown on the cartoon network. She says she misses you and when you come over, she starts to complain that your not giving her space. What you should do is when she goes to summer camp and she sends you a text, don't answer. When she calls, don't answer until you feel like talking and when she asks you why you haven't answered her texts or phone calls, very calmly tell her that your giving her the space she craves. All in all, why are you wasting your time with someone who has time for everyone else and not her boyfriend? Sorry to say but you picked a dud. Go find someone who will want to spend her time with you. She's lying on her bed with another guy watching adult shows, doesn't that tell you what you need to know? You don't need us to tell you that. You should have enough common sense to know that yourself. Send her packing. Well I am getting the best sex of my life. So that counts I suppose. Other than that you're right. Thank you.
Author ashan271 Posted July 5, 2013 Author Posted July 5, 2013 That makes a certain amount of sense. Well, if you're determined to stay this course, be careful. Protect your heart as much as you can. Thank you. I've decided booze is a suitable avenue to ease the heartache and to get some sleep.
Author ashan271 Posted July 5, 2013 Author Posted July 5, 2013 Sent her a quick text saying: "hey just wanted to say you've been on my mind. I love and miss you." She responds: "thanks babe"
JustAReformedGirl Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 No "I love you, too"? Maybe it's just not part of her personality, but usually when one's partner says "I love you", they respond in kind. And please, don't depend too greatly on the booze. Have a drink or two to help you sleep, sure. But please, don't become dependant on it because of her. 1
Author ashan271 Posted July 5, 2013 Author Posted July 5, 2013 No "I love you, too"? Maybe it's just not part of her personality, but usually when one's partner says "I love you", they respond in kind. And please, don't depend too greatly on the booze. Have a drink or two to help you sleep, sure. But please, don't become dependant on it because of her. Maybe yeah. I had thought so too. Is it too much to ask just to have a good relationship.
kaylan Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 OP, Im gonna address you like I would address a good bro...ie...Im taking off the kid gloves. Homie, you are straight up being a puzzy right now. Dont let this girl chump you. All you are doing right now is trying to hold a tight grip onto something you dont want to lose. And that something is a bad relationship. This girl doesnt respect you and all she does is twist your behavior into bad things like clinginess in order to get more time away from you so she can live life like a single girl. Stop making excuses for her. Stop trying to see things her way. Ive been where you are at your age, and you HAVE to learn to be OK with walking away from a woman. Even if it hurts, you have to learn to always be ready to bail when someone shows they dont respect you or your feelings. Once you learn to do that, and once you learn to show women that, girls wont dare try to pull the crap your girlfriend is pulling. And if they do try it, youll be out the door faster than Usain Bolt. Get your balls out of her purse. If you dont do that, I can only see her ending things with you very soon, or you being forced to dump her because you find out shes cheated. This broad aint worth your time. Real talk bro. 2
Author ashan271 Posted July 5, 2013 Author Posted July 5, 2013 OP, Im gonna address you like I would address a good bro...ie...Im taking off the kid gloves. Homie, you are straight up being a puzzy right now. Dont let this girl chump you. All you are doing right now is trying to hold a tight grip onto something you dont want to lose. And that something is a bad relationship. This girl doesnt respect you and all she does is twist your behavior into bad things like clinginess in order to get more time away from you so she can live life like a single girl. Stop making excuses for her. Stop trying to see things her way. Ive been where you are at your age, and you HAVE to learn to be OK with walking away from a woman. Even if it hurts, you have to learn to always be ready to bail when someone shows they dont respect you or your feelings. Once you learn to do that, and once you learn to show women that, girls wont dare try to pull the crap your girlfriend is pulling. And if they do try it, youll be out the door faster than Usain Bolt. Get your balls out of her purse. If you dont do that, I can only see her ending things with you very soon, or you being forced to dump her because you find out shes cheated. This broad aint worth your time. Real talk bro. Thanks. I needed that.
Noland Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 OP, many people on this forum have pretty much told you the same thing over and over again, GET OUT NOW, F-HER, AND MOVE ON You don't seem to get that advice, the fact that she invites another guy to watch sexual shows with her and you allowing it, any common sense guy would see this B---CH as a wHore and move on. Look, you seem like a good person at heart, and I personally think you deserve better as do the other posters, so do yourself a favor, text her and say "IT'S OVER" it will be the best thing you do in your life, there are so many single women out there and you sticking to a bad relationship is not going to get any better, stop being a fool and ACT on the actions you see in front of you, DON'T BE A DOOR MAT.
Author ashan271 Posted July 5, 2013 Author Posted July 5, 2013 OP, many people on this forum have pretty much told you the same thing over and over again, GET OUT NOW, F-HER, AND MOVE ON You don't seem to get that advice, the fact that she invites another guy to watch sexual shows with her and you allowing it, any common sense guy would see this B---CH as a wHore and move on. Look, you seem like a good person at heart, and I personally think you deserve better as do the other posters, so do yourself a favor, text her and say "IT'S OVER" it will be the best thing you do in your life, there are so many single women out there and you sticking to a bad relationship is not going to get any better, stop being a fool and ACT on the actions you see in front of you, DON'T BE A DOOR MAT. I talked with one of my childhood friends. She's extremely wise when it comes to relationships. She basically talked it out with me over the phone and convinced me to end it. She explained things from a woman's perspective and how my current gf is manipulating me bc I'm acting like a nice guy w/o a backbone. Basically wrapped around her finger. And that the necklace that I was gonna give my gf this weekend deserves to be with someone way better. http://oi43.tinypic.com/xfystc.jpg $5000 necklace I bought from before when the relationship was good. So it's ending. That's official. Thanks everyone. It's a wrap.
ChessPieceFace Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 she's only been hanging out with one friend. A guy friend who she has known 7 or so years and has had flings with, but no sex. Apparently they watched some hbo tv shows with lots of sex in it while in her room on her bed together. Then he comes and visits her after work like I always used to do. And it doesn't bother her in the least. Then she makes plans to see him more and more often, yet she makes absolutely no plans with me. So 4th of july, guess what I'm doing? Not with her. While they spend it together. The relationship is over, you just aren't clued into that fact yet. Ninja'ed. See, just ask me in the future, save yourself time.
starrynightz45 Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 So glad to hear you're ending things! Being a nice/understanding boyfriend is a great thing, but it is totally DIFFERENT from blatantly being told that you come after her work, boss, AND Tyler - and for you to be OK with that - and to STILL tell yourself that you are in the wrong. She's manipulating you. Always be a nice guy, but with a backbone and self-respect. Being a nice, caring, understanding, respectable boyfriend is not the same as being a doormat.
bubbaganoosh Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 I hear the same thing all the time "THE SEX IS GOOD". That's really nice to know but it's not what makes a relationship. There has to be TWO people wanting the same thing and that is to be with one another. She's throwing you "mercy sex", and one thing I found out over the years is sex is like pizza. When it's good, it's good and when it's bad, it's still good. The sex thing is a control measure she's using on you to keep you in line and under her thumb. That's a lousy thing to do to someone. I'm glad that your starting to understand that and moving forward. Find someone that wants to be with you and respects you for who you are. She is a very selfish person and I believe that with someone like her, what goes around, comes around.
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