ashan271 Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 Apparently I'm taking up all my gf's time and she feels constricted. She works maybe 2-3 days a week and does a bunch of volunteer work. I would visit after work for 1-2 hours about once a week and we'd stay at least one night over each other's place. I didn't even realize that was an issue as she never really pushed to see her friends nor complained about me coming to see her until recently. She said she wants to hang out with her friends more often. So I give her space, yet she says she misses me all the while. In my mind, if someone says they miss you then that means they WANT to see you. Then, she's too busy too hang out with me bc she spent her time with her friends. Not only that, but she already makes plans to hang out with them again so I basically can't see her. I'm just confounded by the logic. I don't know if I'm comfortable only seeing my gf for one or two times a week. That's what it really boils down to. And on top of it she says she wants to hang out with friends, but she's only been hanging out with one friend. A guy friend who she has known 7 or so years and has had flings with, but no sex. Apparently they watched some hbo tv shows with lots of sex in it while in her room on her bed together. Then he comes and visits her after work like I always used to do. And it doesn't bother her in the least. Then she makes plans to see him more and more often, yet she makes absolutely no plans with me. So 4th of july, guess what I'm doing? Not with her. While they spend it together. I then confront her about it and she says she wants time with her friends and that it doesn't mean she's falling out of love with me. That I have issues. Low emotional intelligence. Too controlling / possessive. And so on. That if I ever get so possessive again it's over. That by me being so controlling I'm basically causing her to second guess the relationship. My best judgement is telling me that she's using me until her guy friend is secured on her belt. Or at least for his attention. She admitted in the past that she used to date guys solely to get this particular friends attention. I want to trust her, but I just feel like I can't. I can't get it out of my head. And at this point I feel like I want to erase my memories of this relationship. It just hurts so ****ing bad. tl;dr: My gf says she misses me, but gets annoyed if I want to hang out or see her often (more than 2x a week). To me this is not a health sign of love.
starrynightz45 Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 WOW - you are NOT WRONG on this, not even 1%!!! Your behavior is ANYTHING but possessive or controlling, do NOT let her convince you otherwise! Wanting to see her 2x a week is completely reasonable - that leaves her the rest of the 5 days of the week to be with friends! How much more time does she need with friends for christ's sake? Seeing her for 1-2 hours once a week, and staying over another night in the week sounds totally, absolutely fine to me. If it was just a week here and there where you only saw one another 1x a week, then fine. But for this to be "so much" that it bothers her is ridiculous. On top of that, she's wanting more time to be with "friends" but is not bothered by ALL the time spent with them, and IS bothered by the time spent with you? That isn't OK or healthy, OR a good sign. On top of that, she's hanging out with a guy that you know she's had "flings" with and must have some interest in if she's tried to date others to get his attention. She's totally using you to get his attention. If not that, well then she plain isn't as into you as you are into her. Don't believe her, she's lying to you to try to make you feel like the bad person here when you clearly aren't! The 4th of July seems like an appropriate day to spend with you. If not with you, then maybe it would be ok to spend it with her own friends, assuming you guys do something another day. HOWEVER - she CHOOSES to spend it with him OVER you, and still complains that she doesn't have enough "friend" time. This is horrible from A-Z. You deserve so much better, and are not in the wrong at all. I would talk to her and explain that to her - don't be manipulated. End this before you end up getting majorly hurt. 3
starrynightz45 Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 It's good to get an outsider's perspective, especialy when she's trying to convince you that you're in the wrong. Come on, she wants you to not come over after work, but is totally fine with him coming? And watching movies on the bed with him when she has a boyfriend? Does she not own a sofa? Come on.
veggirl Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 Sounds like he is her bf and you are her friend. If she's not cheating yet, she's dangerously close. Just end it. She's not interested in you anymore but is too wussy to break up. She has no respect for you and is blatantly like dating another dude! 2
USMCHokie Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 First, why can't you hang out with her friends too? And second, why the hell are you still with this girl?? The course of action here is simple. Tell her the relationship is over. Don't give a reason why, because she isn't entitled to one. Move along. If you do anything else, well...I will leave you with the image of this guy plowing your "girlfriend." 3
Lansing Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 Wow... Yeah, I agree with the other poster. You should be able to hang out with her and her friends and vice versa... Sure, everyone needs some "alone" time" or time with friends, etc but she is scheduling time with this guy friend more than she is with you... You should really think about why you haven't broken up with her already.... I think you should based on what you have posted... Too me it sounds like she is too much of a coward to break it off herself.
MidwestUSA Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 She's watching HBO movies with lots of sex in them, on her bed, with her best male friend. You believe that's all that's going on? 2
Mrlonelyone Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 As one poster here would say this situation has lots of canaries (in the coal mine). I was in a similar enough situation. The young lady was willing to be with me as long as none of her friends saw. :/ That could not go on. Start to emotionally detach from her. If she'll still give you play then play on. Find a woman that will want you to be a part of her life, not just a plug for her hole. 1
pteromom Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 I have no idea if you are clingy or controlling, but I know this: when someone has romantic interest in you or loves you, she wants to be with you anytime she can. You become a priority. Since this hasn't happened, I think you are safe in assuming she isn't that into you, and you should move on. 2
Author ashan271 Posted July 3, 2013 Author Posted July 3, 2013 It's good to get an outsider's perspective, especialy when she's trying to convince you that you're in the wrong. I want to be that bf that trusts their partner. This morning we talked and now I feel like I'm in the wrong.
AndrewJDC Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 Bottom line, get rid. She is either cheating, intends to cheat, isn't bothered about the Relationship or is mental. All are bad and not what you need. Move on to someone who makes you feel special and let her have her weird mixed up life. 2
veggirl Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 I want to be that bf that trusts their partner. This morning we talked and now I feel like I'm in the wrong. how'd she manipulate you into thinking YOU'RE in the wrong? and could you answer some of the questions, why can't you hang out with them?
JustAReformedGirl Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 I don't know if I'm comfortable only seeing my gf for one or two times a week. That's what it really boils down to. And on top of it she says she wants to hang out with friends, but she's only been hanging out with one friend. And the red flags start popping up. Not saying that a girl can't have a normal friendship with a guy-most of my closest friends are male, in fact-but the fact that she's hanging out with one guy A guy friend who she has known 7 or so years and has had flings with, but no sex. And the red flags start popping up. Not saying that a girl can't have a normal friendship with a guy-most of my closest friends are male, in fact-but the fact that she's hanging out with one friend, one male friend she's got some sort of history with. Also, fling without sex? As in they've done stuff just shy of? Still...something about this seems off. Then he comes and visits her after work like I always used to do. And it doesn't bother her in the least. Then she makes plans to see him more and more often, yet she makes absolutely no plans with me. So 4th of july, guess what I'm doing? Not with her. While they spend it together. Those red flags now have flashing lights accompanying them. This is really not looking good. I'm not saying it's what it looks like...but it doesn't look good from where I'm sitting. I then confront her about it and she says she wants time with her friends and that it doesn't mean she's falling out of love with me. That I have issues. Low emotional intelligence. Too controlling / possessive. And so on. That if I ever get so possessive again it's over. That by me being so controlling I'm basically causing her to second guess the relationship. And with the flags and lights, sirens start going off. She's shifting it all on to you. You have issues. She's insulting you by stating you have low emotional intelligence? By the sounds of her threat, she's looking for a reason to end it. She's not being fair; there's no way she can't see what this looks like. My thoughts are this: if there really is nothing going on-I don't mean she's necessarily cheating, but emotionally, she might be cashing in her relationship with you-then she'd be able to rationally talk things out with you. For one, you see her twice a week, tops. For two, she complains you're smothering her, yet she has no problem with him coming over whenever? If this isn't what it looks like, she's doing a piss poor job of reassuring you. My best judgement is telling me that she's using me until her guy friend is secured on her belt. Or at least for his attention. She admitted in the past that she used to date guys solely to get this particular friends attention. The question is, why? Why has she done that, to get his attention? This really doesn't sound right to me. I want to trust her, but I just feel like I can't. I can't get it out of my head. And at this point I feel like I want to erase my memories of this relationship. It just hurts so ****ing bad. I hate to say this, but you might need to cut your losses. First though, confront her. You have a right to know what's going on. If she wants to break up, nothing you do or don't do is really going to stop her. 2
SJC2008 Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 I want to be that bf that trusts their partner. This morning we talked and now I feel like I'm in the wrong. That's becuase she's a manuipulator and although there isn't enough evidence to label her as controlling; In all likelyhood she was projecting onto you when she accused you of being controlling. 1
dizy Posted July 4, 2013 Posted July 4, 2013 Your gf sounds very immature and selfish. She obviously doesn't understand boundaries. I am sorry, but if my bf thinks that it's ok for him to watch tv on his bed with a girl when he's in a relationship with me, I would strongly suggest EQ and IQ tests for him. If she wants to live her life to the fullest with volunteering, job/career, friends, that's totally fine. She is 21 after all, but blaming her lack of maturity on you, and calling you all those name is just awful. "Lack of emotional maturity", "possessive", might not seem like that bad, but in the long run, those adjective will make you question yourself. You will actually end up believe that they describe you. Don't be afraid to say what's on your mind and make the best decisions for your life. If it doesn't work out, it's not a big deal. You are so young. 1
JustAReformedGirl Posted July 4, 2013 Posted July 4, 2013 Your gf sounds very immature and selfish. She obviously doesn't understand boundaries. I am sorry, but if my bf thinks that it's ok for him to watch tv on his bed with a girl when he's in a relationship with me, I would strongly suggest EQ and IQ tests for him. If she wants to live her life to the fullest with volunteering, job/career, friends, that's totally fine. She is 21 after all, but blaming her lack of maturity on you, and calling you all those name is just awful. "Lack of emotional maturity", "possessive", might not seem like that bad, but in the long run, those adjective will make you question yourself. You will actually end up believe that they describe you. Don't be afraid to say what's on your mind and make the best decisions for your life. If it doesn't work out, it's not a big deal. You are so young. I'd like to add to this, since I agree: all of the things she accuses you of OP, she is guilty of. She's projecting. I think I intended to say that in my first post, but I may have forgotten. You're not lacking in "emotional intelligence" as she put it. Quite the contrary, she appears to be the one with that problem. I wouldn't be surprised if she doesn't even know what that means.
shexy Posted July 4, 2013 Posted July 4, 2013 She sounds like kind of a b!tch. And it sounds like she'd rather be doing her "friend" than you. Don't put up with that! 1
Author ashan271 Posted July 4, 2013 Author Posted July 4, 2013 how'd she manipulate you into thinking YOU'RE in the wrong? and could you answer some of the questions, why can't you hang out with them? So she said that from the beginning I have been restricting her freedom. That she always feels that way a little bit whenever in a relationship. Says she's been pissed, upset, and not satisfied with the amount of time she spends with her friends since the beginning of the relationship. That everytime she wanted alone time or time with her friends she'd feel bad and she'd want to spend it with me. She never outright said to me on a frequent basis that she NEEDED time to be alone and when she did I always respected that. What makes me feel guilty though is that she has been dealing with an father who RESTRICTS her freedom in many ways. She still lives at home for financial reasons and will continue to do so for another year or so. So basically she groups me in with him. And says I'm starting to act just like him. On top of that, right now is the busiest time of year for her in her line of work. So she's stressed to the max and working 24/7 when I don't see her or she isn't with friends. And maybe it's true, maybe I'm obsessing over this way too much. And just need to give her space. So that's what I'm doing. I said to her that she's free to do whatever she wants. I won't hold her back. I know she won't cheat bc she's way too honorable in that sense and she was cheated on before. And this guy friend of hers respects relationship boundaries very much according to her. So I'm giving her all the freedom she wants and craves without trying to make her feel bad (which wasn't even a thing). This leaves me not seeing her as frequently, but maybe that's a good thing to have independence and see other people. And who knows, maybe I'll find someone better in the meanwhile.
Author ashan271 Posted July 4, 2013 Author Posted July 4, 2013 I'd like to add to this, since I agree: all of the things she accuses you of OP, she is guilty of. She's projecting. I think I intended to say that in my first post, but I may have forgotten. You're not lacking in "emotional intelligence" as she put it. Quite the contrary, she appears to be the one with that problem. I wouldn't be surprised if she doesn't even know what that means. She is very intelligent. Though I've written in a psychology book bc my professor asked me to. I had top scores in that class and a really good grasp of that material. So when I tell her she's projecting, then she says "not everything is scientific [OP]." I feel like there are two sides to this relationship. The side that is socially acceptable and the side that isn't. What hurt me the most was a long while back. We were cuddling in the car and I ask her what makes her most happy. She answered in order: her work, her boss (who she had a former secret relationship with), tyler, and then me.
veggirl Posted July 4, 2013 Posted July 4, 2013 If she hates being tied down so much perhaps she should...oh I don't know, BE SINGLE! have you met this guy before/seen them interact? this is way too much drama for a relationship that is 3 months young!
Author ashan271 Posted July 4, 2013 Author Posted July 4, 2013 And with the flags and lights, sirens start going off. She's shifting it all on to you. You have issues. She's insulting you by stating you have low emotional intelligence? By the sounds of her threat, she's looking for a reason to end it. She's not being fair; there's no way she can't see what this looks like. My thoughts are this: if there really is nothing going on-I don't mean she's necessarily cheating, but emotionally, she might be cashing in her relationship with you-then she'd be able to rationally talk things out with you. For one, you see her twice a week, tops. For two, she complains you're smothering her, yet she has no problem with him coming over whenever? If this isn't what it looks like, she's doing a piss poor job of reassuring you. The question is, why? Why has she done that, to get his attention? This really doesn't sound right to me. I hate to say this, but you might need to cut your losses. First though, confront her. You have a right to know what's going on. If she wants to break up, nothing you do or don't do is really going to stop her. She is doing a piss-poor job. I don't think she realizes it nor has enough time to care especially after I told her I did have some abandonment issues from time to time. Because since they were young their parents were pushing them together to be in a relationship. For years they've been having flings on and off, but only flings bc one of them would later get into a relationship and the timing would never be quite right. She did want to rationally talk it out last night which was good. I confronted her and I didn't say she was cheating physically but it felt like she was emotionally. She appeared insulted and angry. I said to her you should understand how it all looks from my perspective. She says he's her best friend which is why she's hanging out so much with him and not anyone else. I really don't believe she would physically cheat, but this weekend I rented a cabin for her 21st bday for a romantic getaway & so her friends could stay one night to drink. She has basically all guy friends (which I'm okay with) and a couple girl friends. It'll be the first time she gets actually drunk, so if she kisses this particular guy friend I'm cutting it off completely and not looking back.
Author ashan271 Posted July 4, 2013 Author Posted July 4, 2013 If she hates being tied down so much perhaps she should...oh I don't know, BE SINGLE! have you met this guy before/seen them interact? this is way too much drama for a relationship that is 3 months young! Yeah, she focuses her attention somewhat equally between us, but there was some obvious flirtation.
Author ashan271 Posted July 4, 2013 Author Posted July 4, 2013 Your gf sounds very immature and selfish. She obviously doesn't understand boundaries. I am sorry, but if my bf thinks that it's ok for him to watch tv on his bed with a girl when he's in a relationship with me, I would strongly suggest EQ and IQ tests for him. If she wants to live her life to the fullest with volunteering, job/career, friends, that's totally fine. She is 21 after all, but blaming her lack of maturity on you, and calling you all those name is just awful. "Lack of emotional maturity", "possessive", might not seem like that bad, but in the long run, those adjective will make you question yourself. You will actually end up believe that they describe you. Don't be afraid to say what's on your mind and make the best decisions for your life. If it doesn't work out, it's not a big deal. You are so young. That's what everyone keeps saying. I said to my gf last night if she'd be okay with me hanging out with my ex-gf. She said yeah of course. Then she looked at me with fear for a while. My ex did contact me recently so I may just do that. But it sounds so petty to do something like that out of revenge. I don't know if gf's intentions are entirely bad. I just feel wrong for feeling the way I do about this situation. Like I'm in the fault.
Iama Posted July 4, 2013 Posted July 4, 2013 There are many things to make of this. a) Your girl is stupid. Not worth being in an R IMO. b) You are a bit needy. Your need to see her all the time is pushing her away a bit. c) She did something unacceptable. In bed with her guy friend?..? and you're OK with it. If you want this girl back as your personal challenge, just straight up follow my advice: 1. Never contact her AGAIN first. 2. Always be nice when answering her text calls, etc. 3. Always have a good time when you hang out with her. 4. Tell her you're busy and can't meet up once in 2 or 3 times, she asks you to hang out. But again, this girl is not worth it. AND for your next relationship, try to balance it better. You go to her work place, sleep at her place, ask her to see you.... See the imbalance?
Author ashan271 Posted July 4, 2013 Author Posted July 4, 2013 There are many things to make of this. a) Your girl is stupid. Not worth being in an R IMO. b) You are a bit needy. Your need to see her all the time is pushing her away a bit. c) She did something unacceptable. In bed with her guy friend?..? and you're OK with it. If you want this girl back as your personal challenge, just straight up follow my advice: 1. Never contact her AGAIN first. 2. Always be nice when answering her text calls, etc. 3. Always have a good time when you hang out with her. 4. Tell her you're busy and can't meet up once in 2 or 3 times, she asks you to hang out. But again, this girl is not worth it. AND for your next relationship, try to balance it better. You go to her work place, sleep at her place, ask her to see you.... See the imbalance? Yeah I do see the imbalance. Well I won't see her until the end of the month anyway. She's going off to work at a summer camp.
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