UmbrellaBoy Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 The guy I'm technically dating (but it's very fragile) has agreed to try for a few days when I come to visit what I've always wanted: acting like we're in a relationship. What I mean is finally flirting and being carefree and playful and cutesy and lovey-dovey and all that. He's always been sort of uptight and inhibited and refused to do that with me (he says he doesn't feel about me in "that" infatuated sort of way). But he's agreed to at least (with a little alcohol) "pretend" for 4 or 5 days, be very physical, etc. Even though it's just "pretending" and I told him that, internally, he doesn't have to actually try to feel what the external facade represents...I have a theory that actually finally opening up this way and being willing to act this way with me, even if it is "faked" at first...might create REAL positive feelings. Is this possible? Can acting "as if" you are in love and all cutesy and lovey-dovey infatuated like this...create the real feelings if the interpersonal connection is there and actually good?
OrangeSnack Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 why are you doing this :/ Will this make you feel better?
Nicoleiia Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 If he doesn't feel anything, you can't force it. I don't think this will work out, but just try it anyway and see what happens.
TaraMaiden Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 The guy I'm technically dating (but it's very fragile) has agreed to try for a few days when I come to visit what I've always wanted: acting like we're in a relationship. What I mean is finally flirting and being carefree and playful and cutesy and lovey-dovey and all that. He's always been sort of uptight and inhibited and refused to do that with me (he says he doesn't feel about me in "that" infatuated sort of way). But he's agreed to at least (with a little alcohol) "pretend" for 4 or 5 days, be very physical, etc. Even though it's just "pretending" and I told him that, internally, he doesn't have to actually try to feel what the external facade represents...I have a theory that actually finally opening up this way and being willing to act this way with me, even if it is "faked" at first...might create REAL positive feelings. Is this possible? Can acting "as if" you are in love and all cutesy and lovey-dovey infatuated like this...create the real feelings if the interpersonal connection is there and actually good? Can you pretend to be Liza Minelli? Yes. of course you can. Will that make you Liza Minelli? Not in a million years. Well, he can fake it all you like but believe me when I tell you, when it comes to the crunch - it's not going to go well. This is not the kind of thing that can be faked. Sorry, but I hate to tell you, I for one think this is the dumbest of ideas....
adelia Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 No no no don't be with him! You'll regret it in the end. My sister was married to a man that had zero feeling and she ended up a very unhappy woman. He just lacked that component and could not feel anything other than friendship for her. If he's lacking now he won't ever have it later. Move on. Find someone that is into you.
Author UmbrellaBoy Posted July 3, 2013 Author Posted July 3, 2013 I suppose you're right. I should clarify, though, it's not that he has "no" feelings, it's just that they're not lovey-dovey. But he is very much caught up in a sort of dark psychological entanglement and emotional codependency with me. We know how to "push each others buttons" expertly and as such this involvement has gone on with intensity for three years, it's just been a dramatic (and traumatic) intensity rather than a warm-fuzzy positive intensity. But I've always wanted to see whether all that conflicted dysfunctional passion could somehow translate into the happier sort of passion. It's not that he's invested no emotion or energy into me; he's invested a ton, just of the anxious-ambivalent sort of attachment style.
TaraMaiden Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 Oh, so it's dysfunctional, unbalanced and largely one-sided? Very healthy..... Why are you committed to continuing an 'entanglement' that is clearly dysfunctional and 'psychologically dark'? Sounds a hideous prospect to me.
Author UmbrellaBoy Posted July 3, 2013 Author Posted July 3, 2013 Well, one-sided is debatable. Certainly it's neurotic, and certainly I feel like I'm the one who wants to make it "work." And yet, when I've gone NC before, HE's come crawling back suddenly desperate and confused and wanting me back. But it's like...okay, then if you are so dependent on me emotionally, then let's try to have a romance instead of this weird ambivalent clinging attachment. As for why, I've got one-itis, what can I say?
Tenderheartbear Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 Why do you want someone to "fake it" with you? People don't usually change like that. If he's not a lovey-dovey type person and that's what you want, why not go find it or wait until it comes to you? I just hate for you to waste time on this experiment...
TaraMaiden Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 Well, one-sided is debatable. Certainly it's neurotic, and certainly I feel like I'm the one who wants to make it "work." And yet, when I've gone NC before, HE's come crawling back suddenly desperate and confused and wanting me back. But it's like...okay, then if you are so dependent on me emotionally, then let's try to have a romance instead of this weird ambivalent clinging attachment. As for why, I've got one-itis, what can I say? This is BS. He wouldn't come crawling back, if you weren't so prepared to keep breaking NC and LETTING him back in. 'Desperate and confused' is only matched by your (admitted) codependency and neediness. This relationship seems toxic, but you both get a payoff. I think you guys should probably submit to counselling. If this is a 'harmful' relationship, it's on a direct course towards imploding and self-destructing at one point - and neither one of you seem emotionally equipped to be able to deal with that event WHEN it happens.
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