sunflower05 Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 Hello everyone, My boyfriend and I are 20 years old. We are together for 3 months. We had our ups and downs, mainly because he was scared to show his emotions, and you know how girls are, we like to hear something nice from our guy once a week. Main problem occurred when he said he had some test (we are both in college) that he had to pass and he can't meet me at all for like until they pass (that's like week and a half), which seemed stupid to me, because everyone can put out 2 hours in whole week to meet his girlfriend. He said after he sees me, he is thinking of me and can't concentrate on studying. What a bullshi**. So, normally I objected to it, and said he was not a good boyfriend and that maybe we should take a break from each other. He agreed and we saw each other few days later, he was a mess. He was depressed for some reason, said he is physically and mentally hurt and that even after exams he probably wouldn't give me the time I deserve since he will get a job and then he will only work and sleep??? He also said he doesn't know if he wants to continue this relationship and that he is bored in this relationship. He said he feels like that since we have been fighting about him not spending enough time. I don't know what I did wrong. Now we're on a break until his exams pass, but I have a feeling like he suddenly changed, because a day before the fight everything was good. My question is, should I break up with him and just move on, or should I try hard and what to do to keep him?
Iama Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 Well, what is your mind telling you to do... What about your feelings? If your feelings arent wanting him back then you probably don't love him as much as you think. Honestly, while looking out for your best interest, you forgot about his and that's not what love is made of. The way I see it if you really loved him you would have supported him in his decision and gave it another try. ... He's telling you he's having a very stressful moment filled with exams in his life and what do you do, you go on a break? That screams "I don't give a **** about you, I care about me" to me
Author sunflower05 Posted July 2, 2013 Author Posted July 2, 2013 I still have feelings for him, but I don't understand the fact that he has absolutely no time for me. If you're in love with someone, you can find at least an hour of your time in the whole week to see them. I did try to be understanding, it didn't bother me that we talked less, but it bothered me that he acted like he wanted to put our relationship on hold, for no reason rather than just studying. I know its a stressful time, since I am student myself, but even in the exam week I manged to see him, and he can't do the same?
Iama Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 Yes but your decision was way too drastic. And shows that your "pride" will not let you cherish what you guys have (if you have anything). You should have communicated to him like you did here, what you NEEDED and tried to find a compromise. Instead you pushed away those negative feelings you were having, by "one upping" him and pushing the negativity back. Now he feels like crap cuz his girl just broke up with him. Sure you respect yourself more now, but does it really matter?
Author sunflower05 Posted July 2, 2013 Author Posted July 2, 2013 Yes but your decision was way too drastic. And shows that your "pride" will not let you cherish what you guys have (if you have anything). You should have communicated to him like you did here, what you NEEDED and tried to find a compromise. Instead you pushed away those negative feelings you were having, by "one upping" him and pushing the negativity back. Now he feels like crap cuz his girl just broke up with him. Sure you respect yourself more now, but does it really matter? I guess you're right, my decision was too drastic. I was mad at him because he said we will meet that day, and then he couldn't and then he couldn't even meet the whole week. I think if you like someone you will make time for them, which he clearly didn't do. I did tried to find a compromise, I said to him: fine, we can't see each other, but can we at least then talk and hear once a day? He actually loved that we are on a break so he doesn't have to focus on me at all.... And we didn't broke up yet. We're on break.
Iama Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 A break is a break up. My whole point is don't take decisions out of anger and emotions. Think things through. If you're really unhappy, break up with him.
Phantom888 Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 What is there to keep and hold on to? It's nothing worth saving if his attitude is like this. You guys would break up sooner or later anyway, so just cut your losses now. 2
Author sunflower05 Posted July 2, 2013 Author Posted July 2, 2013 What is there to keep and hold on to? It's nothing worth saving if his attitude is like this. You guys would break up sooner or later anyway, so just cut your losses now. The problem is, I still have feelings for this guy. I wish we could continue like nothing happened, but the truth is, something did happen and few friends told me I deserve more than this, but I am scared and wonder what could be if I don't break it up?
MidwestUSA Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 The problem is, I still have feelings for this guy. I wish we could continue like nothing happened, but the truth is, something did happen and few friends told me I deserve more than this, but I am scared and wonder what could be if I don't break it up? But you DID break it up. And told him he was not a good boyfriend on top of it. What are you trying to accomplish? Getting him back? You say "I don't know what I did wrong". Guys have feelings too. You sent him into a depression and gave him an easy out of the relationship. I say move on, for his sake. You'll make things worse for yourself by begging and pleading.
pteromom Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 Main problem occurred when he said he had some test (we are both in college) that he had to pass and he can't meet me at all for like until they pass (that's like week and a half), which seemed stupid to me, because everyone can put out 2 hours in whole week to meet his girlfriend. He said after he sees me, he is thinking of me and can't concentrate on studying. What a bullshi**. So, normally I objected to it, and said he was not a good boyfriend and that maybe we should take a break from each other. I agree. Even if he is really busy, he should want to carve out a little time for you. Even if you just come sit there with him and read a book while he studies. that even after exams he probably wouldn't give me the time I deserve since he will get a job and then he will only work and sleep??? He's telling you that you are low on the priority list. Why is this OK with you? He also said he doesn't know if he wants to continue this relationship and that he is bored in this relationship. He said he feels like that since we have been fighting about him not spending enough time. Boredom has nothing to do with the fighting. That doesn't make sense. Sounds to me like he just isn't that into you. but I have a feeling like he suddenly changed, because a day before the fight everything was good. Was the "good" because he was horny so you had sex? THen when he didn't want sex, he didn't want anything to do with you? Just a guess. My question is, should I break up with him and just move on, or should I try hard and what to do to keep him? When people say relationships are hard, they are talking about the negotiation and compromise that goes into it. They are NOT talking about how you have to beg and plead to get the other person to agree to spend ANY time with you at all. Don't you want to be in a relationship where the other person wants to be with you? You should break it off. 1
Author sunflower05 Posted July 2, 2013 Author Posted July 2, 2013 But you DID break it up. And told him he was not a good boyfriend on top of it. What are you trying to accomplish? Getting him back? You say "I don't know what I did wrong". Guys have feelings too. You sent him into a depression and gave him an easy out of the relationship. I say move on, for his sake. You'll make things worse for yourself by begging and pleading. I wont beg or plead, I just thought we had something worthwhile, and that he thought that too. But obviously he didn't. I know I did bad because I broke it up, but I want him back, I never thought seriously of being on a break. The problem is, he probably doesn't want me back.
pteromom Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 But you DID break it up. And told him he was not a good boyfriend on top of it. What are you trying to accomplish? Getting him back? You say "I don't know what I did wrong". Guys have feelings too. You sent him into a depression and gave him an easy out of the relationship. I say move on, for his sake. You'll make things worse for yourself by begging and pleading. He WASN'T a good boyfriend. She was right. If he wanted to be with her so badly, he'd see her once in a while. She should move on, for HER sake. But I do agree with your last sentence. 1
Author sunflower05 Posted July 2, 2013 Author Posted July 2, 2013 I agree. Even if he is really busy, he should want to carve out a little time for you. Even if you just come sit there with him and read a book while he studies. He's telling you that you are low on the priority list. Why is this OK with you? Boredom has nothing to do with the fighting. That doesn't make sense. Sounds to me like he just isn't that into you. Was the "good" because he was horny so you had sex? THen when he didn't want sex, he didn't want anything to do with you? Just a guess. When people say relationships are hard, they are talking about the negotiation and compromise that goes into it. They are NOT talking about how you have to beg and plead to get the other person to agree to spend ANY time with you at all. Don't you want to be in a relationship where the other person wants to be with you? You should break it off. Wow, you're right. He said he doesn't even have the urge to have sex, how much he is stressed. That is why I said we should take a break, because he didn't want to spend time with me.
pteromom Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 Wow, you're right. He said he doesn't even have the urge to have sex, how much he is stressed. So it sounds to me like he just wants you for sex, and since he isn't wanting sex, he doesn't want you around at all. Obviously I only know what you've shared on here, but it doesn't sound like you'd be missing out on much by walking away from him.
Author sunflower05 Posted July 2, 2013 Author Posted July 2, 2013 So it sounds to me like he just wants you for sex, and since he isn't wanting sex, he doesn't want you around at all. Obviously I only know what you've shared on here, but it doesn't sound like you'd be missing out on much by walking away from him. Thanks for your answer. I am new to dating, so I was afraid to break up even though I knew I wasn't treated the way I should be. Now I am a bit afraid to be alone, but it's better to be alone, than in a relationship in which I'm not satisfied?
pteromom Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 Thanks for your answer. I am new to dating, so I was afraid to break up even though I knew I wasn't treated the way I should be. Now I am a bit afraid to be alone, but it's better to be alone, than in a relationship in which I'm not satisfied? That's a fact. Being alone isn't that bad. Call up some friends. Have some fun. Do some nice things for yourself. And when you do meet someone else, don't just go on feelings. Make sure you are getting what you want out of a relationship. A happy relationship should make you feel loved, accepted, appreciated, and cherished. You should not have to beg for someone's affection.
Author sunflower05 Posted July 2, 2013 Author Posted July 2, 2013 That's a fact. Being alone isn't that bad. Call up some friends. Have some fun. Do some nice things for yourself. And when you do meet someone else, don't just go on feelings. Make sure you are getting what you want out of a relationship. A happy relationship should make you feel loved, accepted, appreciated, and cherished. You should not have to beg for someone's affection. Thanks for the advice, I'll do that
MidwestUSA Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 OP, I'm sorry if I was harsh. I guess I took the "told him he was not a good boyfriend" to heart. I sort of pictured myself, scolding my dog, "bad, bad doggie!" Without knowing exactly how that fight went down, I just "inserted" what I am familiar with, and that includes a lot of accusatory tones and ultimatums. I have a lot of girlfriends who still fight this way (and we have a lot of years on you!) You have all the time in the world to learn about compromising and yes, arguing, effectively in relationships. Take your time, enjoy school, meet lots of people, see the world, don't let a day go by without learning something new. All the best to you! 2
Author sunflower05 Posted July 3, 2013 Author Posted July 3, 2013 OP, I'm sorry if I was harsh. I guess I took the "told him he was not a good boyfriend" to heart. I sort of pictured myself, scolding my dog, "bad, bad doggie!" Without knowing exactly how that fight went down, I just "inserted" what I am familiar with, and that includes a lot of accusatory tones and ultimatums. I have a lot of girlfriends who still fight this way (and we have a lot of years on you!) You have all the time in the world to learn about compromising and yes, arguing, effectively in relationships. Take your time, enjoy school, meet lots of people, see the world, don't let a day go by without learning something new. All the best to you! Thank you, that was really kind of you to write.
shexy Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 Um, you kind of already did break up with him. You scolded him for not being at your beck and call, then told him you wanted a break. Um, yeah, you already broke up. It's not like he was out partying, the poor guy was trying to study. Plus he said he's not happy with the relationship, so I think it's already over.
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