sentra79 Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 I will try to keep this short. I had been in a relationship for about six years. We had ups and downs like any other relationship. Both of us had somewhat checkered pasts. Early on she thought it was okay to hang out with guys that she had admittedly slept with before we started dating...not dated, just slept with. When I raised that issue with her, she stopped doing it. What she didn't stop was the facebook thing. Kept a few guys, I don't know how many, as friends. Guys she had slept with. It bothered me, and I raised the issue, but she didn't get the point. So I kinda thought it was my own insecurity and let it go. Fast forward five years, sitting on the couch one day, the phone rings, and its one of these guys. Obviously I was not very pleased with it...I talked to her and she said she didn't do anything wrong and wasn't apologizing. That really was the beginning of the end of our relationship even though it dwindled on for a few months. I never started stalking her or going through her stuff, I just didn't care anymore, and she didn't either. So we split up. Stayed split up a little over a month. Now there were other issues in this relationship, I am guilty of not putting much effort into it myself. It was obviously time to move on. We had nothing resembling communication in the past, didn't do a lot of things together, we just kind of sat around the house. During this break up we both looked at ourselves and kind of saw things in a new light and realized why things weren't working. So we decided to give it another shot, start slowly and just see what happens. Bottom line, it is going great. Never been so comfortable with each other. But I had to raise the facebook issue again. This time I laid it out, them or me. She argued it, rationalized it, but agreed to unfriend or whatever because she saw it was important to me. The issue is that I'm getting paranoid. I trust her 100%. I just keep coming close to going through her stuff. I don't know why. It can't be acceptable for a woman in an exclusive relationship with a guy who has paid the bills for 6 years to talk to guys she slept with in the past. Is it abnormal for me to want to keep an eye on the situation even though she says its done? My gut tells me I have to watch this or such a small thing could destroy what we have going here.
na49 Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 You say you trust her, but there's no way in hell you trust her right now. You're not taking her word for it because you're paranoid and afraid that she'll do it again. You both got back together too quickly and you've got the same broken relationship you had a month ago. Except you have less faith in her now than you did then. It's abnormal for someone who trusts their girlfriend to feel like they need to snoop on her stuff.
Simon Phoenix Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 Yes it's abnormal. You are going to destroy what you have more from your eventual meddling than from anything she's doing. And like na49 said, you got back together way too early and just went to the same broken relationship you had before.
PR08 Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 It can't be acceptable for a woman in an exclusive relationship with a guy who has paid the bills for 6 years to talk to guys she slept with in the past. Why are you doing that? No wonder she's doing this. She sees you as a doormat.
Author sentra79 Posted July 5, 2013 Author Posted July 5, 2013 You say you trust her, but there's no way in hell you trust her right now. You're not taking her word for it because you're paranoid and afraid that she'll do it again. You both got back together too quickly and you've got the same broken relationship you had a month ago. Except you have less faith in her now than you did then. It's abnormal for someone who trusts their girlfriend to feel like they need to snoop on her stuff. I trust her not to cheat on me. What I fear will happen is that she will once again think that talking with these guys is no big deal and that I overreact to it. I react the way I do because there are many stories of this exact thing destroying relationships and it starts out innocent enough. So we got back together too soon, what do I do now? I have not snooped any of her stuff...I just feel like I have to keep an eye on it. I don't want what we have to be destroyed by something so stupid. Is it wrong for me to be concerned about it, or should I just let it go and hope it doesn't happen again?
justletgo07 Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 I trust her not to cheat on me. What I fear will happen is that she will once again think that talking with these guys is no big deal and that I overreact to it. I react the way I do because there are many stories of this exact thing destroying relationships and it starts out innocent enough. So you trust her not to cheat on you...you just don't trust her not to cheat on you...? Basing your reactions on "stories" you've heard simply isn't rational. As other posters have indicated, you're taking a rather extreme stance here. Since she has done nothing to violate your trust, the burden of trusting her should be placed on you, not her. You're concerned about her being dishonest, yet you're considering snooping, which is a major violation of trust, as well as highly intrusive and manipulative. You're insecure, and I think you need to get that insecurity in check before you risk messing up your relationship. You seem to think it will be her staying FB friends with exes that will do you in, but I think it is more likely that it will be your paranoia that causes things to fall apart. You're not ready... just feel like I have to keep an eye on it. <-- THIS. This is an awfully patronizing statement. You seem quite unwilling to change or compromise on this issue, so you might want to consider ending this relationship and finding someone who is more aligned with you on this issue. It is unreasonable to expect her to change, and it is surprising that you're not more appreciative of her willingness to try and accomodate your insecurities. It really does say a lot about how much she cares about/wants to be with you...would be a shame to let this very minor issue ruin your chances.
SimonSerenade Posted July 6, 2013 Posted July 6, 2013 Facebook always creeps its way in to a relationship one way or another, chances are if it never existed, your girl wouldn't of talked to these guys she slept with in the past and it wouldn't be an issue but honestly, why are you with this girl?, there's certain things you just don't do, I'm sure there's an official list somewhere that's been written since the dark ages, she took that list and had a dump on it, when I'm with somebody you better believe I'm not stupid enough to start texting other women nevermind women I was once involved with, that's just suicide, I wish I knew your girlfriend, I'd tell her the same thing I tell everyone who asks my opinion on this sort of situation "don't be a dumb ass! burn all evidence of the past, nothing good comes from the past!". Don't snoop though, not because it's disrespectful but if you find something you don't like there's no way of erasing your memory of it, before my relationship ended I had a feeling my ex was hiding something and after she left I figured she probably left me in favour of somebody else, would I ever snoop and find that out for myself?, god no!, I don't want to know, you don't want to know!, you'd need a plate of heavy armor over your heart to take a blow like that. The best advice I can give you is be strong, don't worry about it and don't think about it but if you ever find out she has been talking to these guys, walk away and don't look back, keep your pride and self respect in tact, until that happens, don't send yourself to the crazy house thinking about it. Right now you should be focusing on rebuilding what your relationship is missing, trust and stability, at least that's what I took from your post, focus on that. 1
LuckyLady13 Posted July 6, 2013 Posted July 6, 2013 On one hand, it's disrespectful of her to be chatting with guys she slept with like it's some kind of hobby while she's with someone who is important to her (or is supposed to be) and it reached another more personal level with that phone call. A situation like that can make a guy insecure. We're not talking about a bible study group she's talking to. She slept with these guys? If a guy is 100% secure but finds himself in a situation like this, it may very well change him. I felt perfectly secure swimming in my pool all day yesterday like I should but if there were sharks swimming in it? Different story, right? And guys know other guys are like a pool of sharks. If they're talking to your girlfriend or wife, guys themselves are the ones who are going to tell you he doesn't want to be friends with her, he wants to have sex with her. I have to say though women do have a tendency to be naive when it comes to this and think there's just friendship going on. Probably because that's what they want and that's what they're hoping for. I was able to somehow convince myself of this in the past with a guy I was friends with for 8 years. We dated other people during the entire 8 years. I found out one day that the entire time he wanted to have sex with me. Can you believe I was shocked when I found out? A guy wouldn't be shocked. These guys, these sharks swimming in Sentra's pool are making him nervous. More than likely your girlfriend just doesn't "get it" from a guys point of view as to why this just isn't a cool thing for her to do. And it's possible you can talk to her until you're blue in the face and she still won't get it. You could do your best to get over the insecure feeling you've got if you really do trust her but you already said you were not okay with this and backing down now and not standing by your word? She'll lose respect for you. Is she okay if you talk to a bunch of women you've had sex with? You asked if it's wrong for you to be concerned about this. Your instincts are just kicking in. You want to preserve your relationship and as I said, this isn't some bible study group or guys she went to an art class with. She already had sex with these guys and if they're hounding around, ask the guys on LS what these guys are after. Friendship? They're going to tell you no. You shouldn't have got back together with her because it sounds like it was so fast that both of you are still in old patterns. What do you do now? Your best bet at this moment in time is to fix whatever was wrong in the past as fast as you can! You're aware of where things were going wrong. You mentioned communication and also that you were neglectful of the relationship. Work on yourself and what you can do to drastically change the dynamic into a good direction. As much as you were neglectful of your relationship in the past, she's not focusing on your relationship either. You can't make her do anything but you can change yourself. Most of the time when one partner changes, the other follows. 1
SimonSerenade Posted July 6, 2013 Posted July 6, 2013 I would take lucky lady's advice with a pinch of salt, she's dead on and unfortunately a lot of woman are naive to this, basically unless this changes it's not going to work and your going to wind up feeling pretty crap pretty much all the time, it takes communication to work these kind of issues out, I was once with a girl who was pretty wise when it came to this sort of stuff, if I felt insecure about something, didn't even matter what it was, she would do her best to make a quick fix for it simply because in her mind it wasn't right in her heart that I should feel that way, just knowing that made all my worries evaporate in to thin air, my point is, if this woman of yours won't take your feelings on board, there is somebody out there that will. I tell anybody I'm getting close to that I won't be comfortable if they talked to exes and people they were involved with and if they can take that on board and be okay with it then great but if not, there not for me and I'm not for them, I think everybody should have there ground rules because everybody is different, right now you need to figure each others wants and needs and find a solution.
leoc1973 Posted July 6, 2013 Posted July 6, 2013 I saw a study that said 25% of marriages that end in divorce are directly related to fb. Would some of these marriages end anyway? sure they would but it gives too much access to people that normally would be out of sight out of mind. Old feelings get rekindled and cheating happens. I will tell you this... I had a gf of 6 years. I trusted her 100% like would have bed my soul that she would have never left or cheated. And with that I let her stay friends with guys she both dated and slept with in the past. It didn't phase me one bit because like I said no way in hell I would have thought she could even look at another guy. Thats how secure I was. Well guess who she left me for? Someone she reconnected with thru fb. If it were 2 years ago I would be reading your story and thinking "man this guy is an insecure nut" but not today. MY personal feeling is that all relationships go through ups and downs and fb gives access to those snakes to play the "if you were my woman I would" card. And it works. I have been single for 2 years now and I have 160 friends on fb(not many) and 9 married women or women in committed relationships have private messaged me things like "how are you single" "you're so handsome and sweet" and I know where they are leading. because the first few I talked to a little bit and it turned into a bitch session about their boyfriend or husband. And then the "wanna get a drink sometime to catch up" The last few I blew off because I have ZERO interest in another mans woman. FB is the devil!! LOL 1
SimonSerenade Posted July 6, 2013 Posted July 6, 2013 Man am I glad I don't have Facebook, there's certain things you just don't need to see, a big parade of men commenting on anything your girl posts being one of them, I've seen some appauling things on Facebook, my grandad is on it and even he gets offers from married women to do unspeakable things.
eleve82 Posted July 6, 2013 Posted July 6, 2013 there is nothing "abnormal" in a girl (or guy, for that matter) keeping "friends" on Facebook who she/he has slept with or had an interest in before. It is far more common than you think - people just don't admit it. The more important thing is whether she has an emotional attachment to these guys and if she does, not even "unfriending" the guy will make a damned difference. Think about this: if two people sleep together and for some reason it didn't work out (it was strictly a ONS/no long term attraction/distance/lack of commitment, then it most likely WON'T happen again. (I'm not talking about working out as in One Night Stands but as in it won't be likely she would leave you for a dysfunctional relationship) Note that I am not advocating using Facebook as a platform to cheat or flirt when in a committed relationship - but it is definitely possible to actually like someone as a person with whom it didn't work out/you had relations with and you still want to keep as a friend. Please exercise your discretion - if your gf has self control and is loyal, she would not cheat on you with old flames. If on the other hand, she has low self control and is emotionally dependent on others, you may have cause to worry. Don't let insecurities destroy an otherwise good relationship.
SimonSerenade Posted July 6, 2013 Posted July 6, 2013 It sounds like he wouldn't be comfortable with her talking to them either way, there doesn't have to be a reason or a lack of trust, sometimes it is what it is, if he feels that way then she should understand that and if he's that important to her, she'll stay away from them, if not, there better off apart and he's better off with someone who can give him them assurances, it's not hard but she's making it that way, it's not his fault he feels the way he does, the least she can do is have some compassion and understanding, I'm sure he'd have that for her if it was the other way around.
Author sentra79 Posted July 7, 2013 Author Posted July 7, 2013 (edited) It sounds like he wouldn't be comfortable with her talking to them either way, there doesn't have to be a reason or a lack of trust, sometimes it is what it is This right here. Years ago when this first came up, it was she actually wanted to hang around these guys, she'd see them around town then it would be let's talk for an hour...so I brought it up and she argued that it was all innocent but she stopped it anyway. Then the facebook thing came up and I brought it up and she told me I was stupid for thinking there was anything wrong with it...I threatened to leave over it, and she 'sort of' would stop talking to these dudes...or stop for a little while. The phone call a while back was not the first phone call, but it wasn't like that happened all the time. You can't stop people from calling you but you can stop enabling them. At any rate, she says that the whole thing with ex whatevers is over now. It isn't really her that I don't trust, it is them, they will keep coming at her. When I tell her she doesn't have to be a jerk about it, just tell them you are with someone and you don't feel it is appropriate to talk to them anymore, she says she just isn't like that and can't 'cut people out like that'. But she says she has now, I guess there is no way I can know or not so I have to take her word for it. And for the record, if the shoe were on the other foot...it would have been a Greek tragedy. And I have never talked to an ex, I don't keep them around, it isn't my thing. Just doesn't seem like a good idea. And leoc is exactly right. Facebook gives access to interlopers. I never felt insecure or paranoid until I found out who all she talks to on there. And it wasn't by snooping it was just by sitting next to each other on the computer. You see the list of friends and who is on it and it changes everything. it is definitely possible to actually like someone as a person with whom it didn't work out/you had relations with and you still want to keep as a friend. Yeah this doesn't work for me. I don't want my girlfriend/wife talking to guys that she had sexual relationships with in the past, for a variety of reasons. IMO, once friends cross a line into a physical relationship, it changes the friendship in a way that cannot be undone. I will not be in this relationship if this continues, pure and simple. Edited July 7, 2013 by sentra79
SimonSerenade Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 You shouldn't have to jump through hoops to get some understanding over something like that, you knew better than to talk to people you were involved with, it's not something you should have to ask for, once she knew you were uncomfortable about it, it should of gone without saying they'd be out of her life, that's what she'd of expected from you If it was the other way around, nobody can blame you for threatening to leave, a lot of men would rather than live with that so don't ever feel bad for that, I hope it works out for you and I hope she wises up, it sounds like that's your only road block right now.
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