Author thecrucible Posted July 3, 2013 Author Posted July 3, 2013 Give me a break. Just because they talked for a few weeks before they started dating DOESN'T mean they've "been together" for 6 weeks. Exactly. I'm under no illusion. I know that plenty of guys are prepared to work for a long time to get their leg over, if it's what they want. I did post another thread about this guy. Something really gave me a disaster feeling in the pit of my stomach. You may find it among my posts, but the gist of what he said before our last date: "I don't want you to be a one night stand. I don't know if we'll be short term or long term". I mean wtf? - I get that no-one knows in the beginning of dating how long it's going to last, but who the hell would say that? That's what worries me too.
joystickd Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 Give me a break. Just because they talked for a few weeks before they started dating DOESN'T mean they've "been together" for 6 weeks. What is it with these youngin's who think everything has to happen at top speed or it's time to move on? Jeez. Talk about an instant gratification society. No man will hang around for 6 weeks for nothing
sillyanswer Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 Bump! Please help. Not sure what additional help you're looking for. If you're ready to have sex with him then go for it! Make sure you remember to use a condom. If you're not ready to have sex with him then do not have sex with him. I think you're not ready to have sex with him, mostly because I don't think you'd still be asking for help otherwise, so I'd recommend not having sex with him yet. But I'm not your mom... do what you like! 1
Arabella Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 No man will hang around for 6 weeks for nothing It's not "nothing". He is getting to know a woman who could potentially become a long-term relationship one day. If this isn't good enough for him, he's always free to move on and find easy sex elsewhere. If he does, she will have successfully weeded out someone who didn't match her desire for a relationship. 2
joystickd Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 It's not "nothing". He is getting to know a woman who could potentially become a long-term relationship one day. If this isn't good enough for him, he's always free to move on and find easy sex elsewhere. If he does, she will have successfully weeded out someone who didn't match her desire for a relationship. Men that want long term wont hang around thst long unless he is banging someone else. Its no ones loss. If you want men to wait then all women need to be consistent about it so check your own gender before jumping on the man because he refuses to wait
Arabella Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 Men that want long term wont hang around thst long unless he is banging someone else. Its no ones loss. If you want men to wait then all women need to be consistent about it so check your own gender before jumping on the man because he refuses to wait My man waited 4 months for me to be ready to have sex with him after I got out of a relationship. I can't even count how many dates we went on, but we saw each other no less than 2-3 times a week. And neither of us was seeing anyone else. Why did he choose to wait? Because to him, I was worth it The way I see it, if a man perceives a woman to be worth it, he will wait for her to be ready. If he's just looking for a warm body and the relationship aspect is secondary to him, he will not. It's all about the level of interest. Neither perspective is wrong, just mismatched. -A 1
joystickd Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 My man waited 4 months for me to be ready to have sex with him after I got out of a relationship. I can't even count how many dates we went on, but we saw each other no less than 2-3 times a week. And neither of us was seeing anyone else. Why did he choose to wait? Because to him, I was worth it The way I see it, if a man perceives a woman to be worth it, he will wait for her to be ready. If he's just looking for a warm body and the relationship aspect is secondary to him, he will not. It's all about the level of interest. Neither perspective is wrong, just mismatched. -A The thing is there are a lot of women that really communicate interest. Its like a crazy out here. I guess im so used to being the OM because interest moves a lot faster.
Arabella Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 The thing is there are a lot of women that really communicate interest. Its like a crazy out here. I guess im so used to being the OM because interest moves a lot faster. There are a lot of ways a woman can communicate interest aside from spreading her legs for him. If this is the only thing that is good enough for him, then she's probably better off finding someone else anyways. Me? Never been single longer than 3 months in my whole life. Also never slept with anyone I wasn't already in a relationship with. I've had plenty of men willing to wait for me because they (at least) understood my views; some actually shared them. You aren't wrong, she isn't wrong, I'm not wrong... Different perspectives, different needs, and different relationship styles. They just don't match together, and the OP would be best served by exercising caution with this guy. 1
soccerrprp Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 gee this is so simple. no sex until you are ready. if he doesn't like it he can just leave. It should be that simple, shouldn't it? I'm sorry, but haven't been really following the last few pages of posts on this matter, but has anyone mentioned the importance of sexual compatibility to success/happiness of a relationship? I know for a fact that men AND women on LS have suggested ditching someone b/c of sexual incompatibility alone. So, there are those who greatly emphasize the need to have someone wait for sex to "get to know one another" , but what happens when after 30-days, whenever, the couple discovers that sex simply SUCKS? Dump him/her? Maybe it's b/c I'm in my 40s (and the ladies I date) that I am much more open and comfortable about having sex early(ier) in a relationship and to gauge whether we are going to be sexually compatible. For me, if we are not satisfying each other sexually, this is simply a line-item for potential unhappiness, discontent. Of course, most, if not all, would agree with this, c n'est pas?
joystickd Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 There are a lot of ways a woman can communicate interest aside from spreading her legs for him. If this is the only thing that is good enough for him, then she's probably better off finding someone else anyways. Me? Never been single longer than 3 months in my whole life. Also never slept with anyone I wasn't already in a relationship with. I've had plenty of men willing to wait for me because they (at least) understood my views; some actually shared them. You aren't wrong, she isn't wrong, I'm not wrong... Different perspectives, different needs, and different relationship styles. They just don't match together, and the OP would be best served by exercising caution with this guy. I agree but sex is a universal way because there are women that dont really communicate onterest until you step away. If people were more honest and opely communicated then issues like this wouldnt happen
Arabella Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 It should be that simple, shouldn't it? I'm sorry, but haven't been really following the last few pages of posts on this matter, but has anyone mentioned the importance of sexual compatibility to success/happiness of a relationship? I know for a fact that men AND women on LS have suggested ditching someone b/c of sexual incompatibility alone. So, there are those who greatly emphasize the need to have someone wait for sex to "get to know one another" , but what happens when after 30-days, whenever, the couple discovers that sex simply SUCKS? Dump him/her? Maybe it's b/c I'm in my 40s (and the ladies I date) that I am much more open and comfortable about having sex early(ier) in a relationship and to gauge whether we are going to be sexually compatible. For me, if we are not satisfying each other sexually, this is simply a line-item for potential unhappiness, discontent. Of course, most, if not all, would agree with this, c n'est pas? See, I see your point, but to some women who prefer to be in a relationship before sex, this is really non-issue. It's not like we don't care about sex, but we're probably a lot more willing to put effort into the person, therefore it doesn't matter as much if the sex isn't great from the get-go. Commitment goes both ways! If he commits to me and therefore shows me he's serious about me, I will put more effort to improve our sex life and not judge too harshly. For example, sex with my ex pretty much sucked for the first 6 mo. I knew he was inexperienced, so I just took the time to teach him. It ended up being pretty great after a while. 1
Seductive Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 The thing is if a woman is interested and really into a guy she should show it and not BS around with waiting. In a way that is a mixed signal. We talk like the OP did for six weeks and go on three dates. 6 weeks is good enough time to know a lot if you are talking regularly. You have dates and hang out in between dates, but there are plenty of women that are really interested and not into the waiting game and its always easier to do that. My other thing is: What is it as a woman that makes you feel that is so special about you that a man should wait? There are numerous women out in the world that won't put a man though the hoops if they are truly interested. What is it that makes you different than other women that a man would be willing to do that? How would you feel if a woman had sex with you on the third date, and then told you that she didn't like you? Either the sex was bad for her or she only had sex to relieve stress. having sex with a guy doesn't always mean you like them. I've heard women later bitch about a guy they had sex with. My friend has no problem telling men to their face, "we are not sexually compatible."
rocketman122 Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 I date older women 40+ and they know what they want. getting intimate with them usually isnt too long if theres an attraction between us. but 3 weeks is my absolute limit. 6 weeks? you would be but a distant memory for me.
RedRobin Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 It should be that simple, shouldn't it? I'm sorry, but haven't been really following the last few pages of posts on this matter, but has anyone mentioned the importance of sexual compatibility to success/happiness of a relationship? I know for a fact that men AND women on LS have suggested ditching someone b/c of sexual incompatibility alone. So, there are those who greatly emphasize the need to have someone wait for sex to "get to know one another" , but what happens when after 30-days, whenever, the couple discovers that sex simply SUCKS? Dump him/her? Maybe it's b/c I'm in my 40s (and the ladies I date) that I am much more open and comfortable about having sex early(ier) in a relationship and to gauge whether we are going to be sexually compatible. For me, if we are not satisfying each other sexually, this is simply a line-item for potential unhappiness, discontent. Of course, most, if not all, would agree with this, c n'est pas? If one's only method of assessing sexual compatibility requires having sex with someone, then I'd argue that people are lacking creativity. If I slept with every man I might consider a relationship with or after a few dates, my numbers would likely be in the high double digits. I'm also not willing to have sex with someone early(er), just to find out later he's got major junk in his history I don't care to deal with... or he has major character flaws. I don't need even one of those on my dating rap sheet. Anyway, I've never heard of a relationship ending because of sexual issues... They end because of compatibility issues that sometimes manifest themselves with bad sex... But never because of the sex. I can't imagine developing emotional intimacy with a man who operates that way. The couple of times I jumped into things sexually a bit earlier than I normally would, I always dumped the guy after a few weeks. Didn't matter what he did or how great the sex was. I'm not proud of that... I just know how I am. If sex happens before a verifiable relationship is established... I'm dumping him. 2
Author thecrucible Posted July 11, 2013 Author Posted July 11, 2013 I wasn't sure whether to post in here again. Well I have seen him again a couple of days ago. Basically recently I've realised that I've gotten in far too deep with him so I'm backing off emotionally. There was a time where he text me a lot over a couple of days but it was only because conversation got sexual. Then I called him out on it because I was uncomfortable with the fact he wasn't asking me about other things (perhaps that was a mistake and I should have played it cool. He was annoyed saying that he thought I was accusing him of only being after me for sex). So now he says he won't initiate sex talk with me, unless I start it. But he texts me less. He texts me to arrange the next meeting and not to have conversation in-between. But since he is on holiday for a few weeks, I sent him a text today saying "Have a good holiday. call me xxx" so I can see when he gets back to me. I don't want to sleep with him until I feel like a priority to him. He asked me to be his girlfriend. Then a couple of days later I said, "do you feel like my boyfriend?" and he said "not fully yet but I believe it will happen". Then when I next saw him, I told him I wasn't sure how I felt about being his girlfriend because I wasn't quite there emotionally and he said, "the offer is still on the table". But he was hinting at exclusivity, thinking he wants me to only be with him. So here's the gist of what he told me on our last date: - He's not sure whether we'll be short term or long term because of his work (he's at sea for a few months every so often) - He's enjoying getting to know me. He says he wants to take it to sexual level at whatever pace I want it, but that he doesn't think he could tell me 'I love you' before sex. - He implied that he wouldn't consider me his girlfriend until after sex. He has been late for the last couple of dates which is a bit of a drag.
JackDrc Posted July 11, 2013 Posted July 11, 2013 It's not "nothing". He is getting to know a woman who could potentially become a long-term relationship one day. If this isn't good enough for him, he's always free to move on and find easy sex elsewhere. If he does, she will have successfully weeded out someone who didn't match her desire for a relationship. I agree obviously she can wait as long as she wants, and a guy is free to bail whenever if not moving fast enough, but I feel as though some girls in this thread think that sex on the third date is too fast. I've never waited longer than three dates. My most recent ex slept with me on the night we met and we were together for eleven months. I thought no less of her for it. I'll tell you what would make me upset , however, and I expect many guys feel the same. I would be upset that she was holding out if she didn't make her previous boyfriends wait that long. That would make me feel less valued. Similarly, a woman who has one night stands, I have no problem with this, but I'm not going to wait longer than three dates and I certainly will not wait until we are in a relationship . Why would I get into a relationship with a girl who isn't that strict if I haven't had the opportunity to see if we are sexually compatible? If I get the vibe that the girl has never had sex outside of a relationship then I'd consider waiting aeo in that situation, but it's never happened to me. I slept with all my gf's before entering relationships with them (one of them was a one nighter which blossomed into a relationship) and if the prospective girl has also had sex outside of a relationship, I'm not waiting around for sex until we are bf/gf. I realize that some girls may be reluctant because they have turned a new lead or whatever and some guys may be fine with that. But some guys won't be, and I'm definitely in that camp. When I was dating girls casually and they would tell me that they don't have sex until a relationship is established, I politely respond that I don't get into a relationship before sex. Then you have a polite standoff, and in my experience, the girl usually is the one who gives.
henderson14 Posted July 11, 2013 Posted July 11, 2013 That's hilarious. You tell him your not having sex until you become his GF, then the next date he asks you to be his GF and tries to sleep with you. LOL!
Author thecrucible Posted July 11, 2013 Author Posted July 11, 2013 That's hilarious. You tell him your not having sex until you become his GF, then the next date he asks you to be his GF and tries to sleep with you. LOL! Yeah I wish I'd never said that now. It means nothing to me because what's a title mean if he never refers to me as his girlfriend or acts like he is my boyfriend?
JackDrc Posted July 11, 2013 Posted July 11, 2013 If one's only method of assessing sexual compatibility requires having sex with someone, then I'd argue that people are lacking creativity. If I slept with every man I might consider a relationship with or after a few dates, my numbers would likely be in the high double digits. I'm also not willing to have sex with someone early(er), just to find out later he's got major junk in his history I don't care to deal with... or he has major character flaws. I don't need even one of those on my dating rap sheet. Anyway, I've never heard of a relationship ending because of sexual issues... They end because of compatibility issues that sometimes manifest themselves with bad sex... But never because of the sex. I can't imagine developing emotional intimacy with a man who operates that way. The couple of times I jumped into things sexually a bit earlier than I normally would, I always dumped the guy after a few weeks. Didn't matter what he did or how great the sex was. I'm not proud of that... I just know how I am. If sex happens before a verifiable relationship is established... I'm dumping him. Yes your numbers would be high double digits but I suspect that is the true number for women. If a woman shares her number I typically multiply it by 3 anyway to get a rough estimate. I don't share this obviously. And I don't care about how high the number as long as. If she volunteered that she was gangbanged or had worked in porn or escorting, id definitely mind, but sleeping with 20 guys? Who cares? Not me and not most guys I suspect. I have been with about that many girls so I'd be a hypocrite if I judged them. Maybe my casualness and non judgmental attitude is the reason why I've never had to wait longer than three dates. From my experience, even the women I've had one night stands with who had anxiety beforehand were fine with it after I reassured them that I wouldn't think any less of them. One of my relationships started from a one night stand, so clearly I'm not judgmental on this matter. My advice to the OP would be to have sex with him. If he leaves, so what? It isn't like she's too emotionally invested in him anyway from what I can tell. Like I said above, however, a girl who has had sex outside of a relationship but won't sleep with me before we get into one is not something I find acceptable. It's hypocritical. I know the arguments about how they make the relationship potential guys wait because they have feelings for them and they didn't for the casual guys, but I don't think much of this argument. If you like a guy enough where you could see yourself in a relationship, it's my opinion that you should sleep with him. If he's playing some game where he's testing you and would have been willing to be your bf had you only waited, then he's an emotionally abusive ******* and you're better off without him anyway. The pill was invented so women could enjoy sex without consequences of pregnancy and while I respect women who think sex should only happen in relationships or after 10 dates, these women aren't for me. Most women my age or younger will have sex outside a relationship. It's at least 80%.
soccerrprp Posted July 11, 2013 Posted July 11, 2013 If one's only method of assessing sexual compatibility requires having sex with someone, then I'd argue that people are lacking creativity. How would you assess sexual compatibility w/o having sex?? Anyway, I've never heard of a relationship ending because of sexual issues... They end because of compatibility issues that sometimes manifest themselves with bad sex... But never because of the sex. Huh??? I can't imagine developing emotional intimacy with a man who operates that way. And yet many couples begin in this way to eventually develop emotional intimacy. I understand that it's not what YOU would do, but YOUR experience is not everyone else's.
supaflyz Posted July 12, 2013 Posted July 12, 2013 I guess he has watch that episode of The Big Bang Theory where Bernadette told Howard 3rd date means sex lol.
RogerWallace111 Posted July 12, 2013 Posted July 12, 2013 (edited) Unless you're comfortable having sex with this guy, don't have sex. It isn't any more complicated than that. Never fear loss. ? Clearly, if following the wisdom to "never fear loss", someone who says they "absolutely want to have sex" with a given person shouldn't refrain from doing so out of fear of losing them after... It's one thing to be pressured into something you don't want, but she's explicitly said that's not the case. If anything she's leading him on with the sexts and flirtation. Edited July 12, 2013 by RogerWallace111
BluEyeL Posted July 13, 2013 Posted July 13, 2013 I'm personally in Red Robin's and Arrabela's team. Not that the opposite view is wrong, but I'm not sleeping with someone I don't have an emotional connection with first, which naturally means a while. It's OK if the men who think sex must happen first leave, and some did leave. Not worried about "sex could be bad" because, as someone pointed out to me, unless there are physical/medical problems, partners who care about each other and want to please each other will make it work. Sex could be bad if the partners don't really care, and that could be the case more early on than with someone who liked you as a person for a while.
BluEyeL Posted July 13, 2013 Posted July 13, 2013 Yeah I think he just asked you to be his girlfriend so you'd have sex with him. That's why one shouldn't declare "I don't have sex unless blah blah". You risk the guy saying the "blah blah", literally... Just don't say anything, make the dates public, and when/if he asks you more directly say "I can't wait for that to happen, but I'm not ready just yet". And don't say anything more. If he leaves, oh well.
hoping2heal Posted July 13, 2013 Posted July 13, 2013 ...and I can't figure out what he wants. So we've gone on three dates and have talked for 6 weeks. After two dates, I told him that I wouldn't get intimate with a guy unless he asks me to be his girlfriend (I know - not a good plan). On date three, at the end, he asked me to be his girlfriend. He was also a gentleman throughout and brought me flowers etc. Now after the date, he text and things got a bit hot and heavy. I sent him a tease pic and since then we've been sending sexy texts to each other, whilst I've been telling him I'm not sure how ready I am and that I want him to like me for who I am too. So he keeps reiterating this to me. He called me earlier today and told me that he doesn't want me to be a one night stand, and that he doesn't want me to be short term, but that he isn't sure I'll be long term. I am feeling unsure but I don't know if it's just my being nervous about being hurt or something else. I absolutely want to have sex with him too so it's not like I don't want him. He is taking me somewhere on Monday but just now on the phone he said, "are you sure you want to...?" and then said, "how about we find a place that's private?". This guy is inexperienced so I don't know how to interpret him - whether he is just pushing for sex or what? Should I wait longer before getting close to him? He also says he likes holding hands with me and kissing me, and not just the prospect of sex with me. Do you think I ought to trust him more? If you want to wait to have sex and don't think you're ready why are you sending him sexual photos? Also, I'm going to sound like you're Mother but; don't be sending sexual photos! You hardly know the guy and you don't know who will end up seeing them. There's no point in telling this guy you don't know if you're ready for sex on the one hand, and send him sexual photos on the other. 1
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