thecrucible Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 ...and I can't figure out what he wants. So we've gone on three dates and have talked for 6 weeks. After two dates, I told him that I wouldn't get intimate with a guy unless he asks me to be his girlfriend (I know - not a good plan). On date three, at the end, he asked me to be his girlfriend. He was also a gentleman throughout and brought me flowers etc. Now after the date, he text and things got a bit hot and heavy. I sent him a tease pic and since then we've been sending sexy texts to each other, whilst I've been telling him I'm not sure how ready I am and that I want him to like me for who I am too. So he keeps reiterating this to me. He called me earlier today and told me that he doesn't want me to be a one night stand, and that he doesn't want me to be short term, but that he isn't sure I'll be long term. I am feeling unsure but I don't know if it's just my being nervous about being hurt or something else. I absolutely want to have sex with him too so it's not like I don't want him. He is taking me somewhere on Monday but just now on the phone he said, "are you sure you want to...?" and then said, "how about we find a place that's private?". This guy is inexperienced so I don't know how to interpret him - whether he is just pushing for sex or what? Should I wait longer before getting close to him? He also says he likes holding hands with me and kissing me, and not just the prospect of sex with me. Do you think I ought to trust him more?
tbf Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 Unless you're comfortable having sex with this guy, don't have sex. It isn't any more complicated than that. Never fear loss. 13
therhythm Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 THe thing is like this... you have sex when you feel like having sex... that is it! If someone pressure you for sex is a bad signal (red flag)... 9
clia Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 Now after the date, he text and things got a bit hot and heavy. I sent him a tease pic and since then we've been sending sexy texts to each other, whilst I've been telling him I'm not sure how ready I am and that I want him to like me for who I am too. Do you see how your actions and words are in direct conflict? Stop sending him sexy pics and sexy texts if you aren't ready to have sex with him. It's confusing. So he keeps reiterating this to me. He called me earlier today and told me that he doesn't want me to be a one night stand, and that he doesn't want me to be short term, but that he isn't sure I'll be long term. Yeah, I don't blame you for feeling unsure. It's sounding more and more like he just asked you to be his girlfriend so he could have sex with you. (Nothing is preventing him from dumping you the next day.) I think you should not have sex with him unless you are ready. The word "girlfriend" means nothing if his actions aren't treating you like a "girlfriend" and he doesn't feel like a "boyfriend." He is taking me somewhere on Monday but just now on the phone he said, "are you sure you want to...?" and then said, "how about we find a place that's private?". I would say "Oh, I'd rather go out somewhere on Monday." Then do not, do not, do not invite him back to your house or go to his house. (Why aren't you going out until Monday? That's six days away in my time zone. Are you not seeing him this weekend?) 6
sillyanswer Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 I absolutely want to have sex with him too so it's not like I don't want him. So you're sexting him and you absolutely want to have sex with him too. Sounds good so far! 2
Author thecrucible Posted July 2, 2013 Author Posted July 2, 2013 Yeah, I don't blame you for feeling unsure. It's sounding more and more like he just asked you to be his girlfriend so he could have sex with you. (Nothing is preventing him from dumping you the next day.) I think you should not have sex with him unless you are ready. The word "girlfriend" means nothing if his actions aren't treating you like a "girlfriend" and he doesn't feel like a "boyfriend." That's the thing. I know that not everything will work out. I get that. I'd still take the risk. However I don't think I can take the dent in my dignity in pride if it turns out he's only after one thing. I would say "Oh, I'd rather go out somewhere on Monday." Then do not, do not, do not invite him back to your house or go to his house. Yeah don't worry. We both live with out parents anyway (both fresh out of college). (Why aren't you going out until Monday? That's six days away in my time zone. Are you not seeing him this weekend?) We're both busy travelling during the week or seeing family.
Author thecrucible Posted July 2, 2013 Author Posted July 2, 2013 I'm just worried because of uncertainty but I know I shouldn't expect certainty either. It's an odd thing. I agree though that I've been sending mixed messages. I feel like emotionally scaling back just now, taking it as it comes and living in the moment...because either way, I don't know what will happen or his intentions for sure. I only kn ow what he tells me. I completely regret telling him that I only have sex with boyfriends, because it means that the gesture of him asking me to be his girlfriend means nothing to me now even if it was sincere.
sillyanswer Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 That's the thing. I know that not everything will work out. I get that. I'd still take the risk. However I don't think I can take the dent in my dignity in pride if it turns out he's only after one thing. You're right to recognise that it's a risk. Also, even if he's not only after one thing there could be other reasons why you split up soon after having sex... some that have to do with the sex and many that have nothing to do with the sex. Waiting doesn't magically remove the risk, but if it makes you feel more comfortable with taking that risk (perhaps because you've got to know him better, or perhaps because you've had more time to think about having sex, or a bit of both) then maybe consider doing that. I'd go as far as to say that if you're not sure if you should have sex then you shouldn't. And if you're sure that you should then you should.
starrynightz45 Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 He asked you to be his girlfriend after 3 dates? Isn't that a little strange? It seems extremely early to me. You hardly know one another after 3 dates! It's possible he asked you to be his gf because he knew it was what you said you needed in order to have sex. But it's also possible he's being genuine. I know a lot of people on his forum push for "don't wait for sex, don't use sex as a manipulation tool" etc. But - just think about it. If you put off sex and he still sticks around, well then chances are better he's in it for YOU, not jsut the sex. If he ends things, well then all of this was just about the sex. Lesson: It is never a bad idea to wait on sex!!! 3
JustJana Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 Ask what he wants...is it really that unusual to do? I should share that I was in a long term relationship for 7 years and haven't really dated in 2 so I might be out of practice. The person that said it's always better to wait should go read the thread about getting mad after 10 dates. That was an eye opener for me!
Southern Cal Dude Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 3 dates isn't unreasonable. Waiting say 6 dates doesn't change anything because if sex is all he wants, he'll still bounce.
pcplod Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 He may be inexperienced and unsure of what he is doing, but I am also wondering whether you are any more experienced and understand your own motives any better than you understand his? I have to be honest and say it doesn't sound like it. That is usually not the basis for making a good decision. I have to say that I find it disturbing that people seek to make sex conditional for reasons that have little to do with sex. Like feeling like a berk, if it only happens once. Do you like sex? Do you want to have sex? What is it with the totally arbitrary self-imposition, that you only have sex if you are boyfriend<>girlfriend? Being boyfriend<>girlfriend is only conditional in any event. Heck, being husband and wife is only conditional when you reduce it to it's absolute essence. Nothing is guaranteed for ever, even life, so how long do you want to wait until you feel you are 'unberkable'? Does your own logic, well it's not logic at all, it's simple impulse, does it actually make any useful sense to you? Or is it just doing your head in? He's told you that he regards you as a girlfriend. Not a fiancé, not an imminent wife. He's also told that he does not regard you as a one-night stand or a FWB. What other assurances can he give you? Cross his heart and hope to die? Swear on his grand-mother's grave? What other assurances can you possibly seek, that would reduce your anxiety? Have you ever actually been in this sort of scenario before? It sounds mighty unlike it. Frankly, I don't think you are ready for sex, period, particularly with him and your head is all over the place. You would be really best to level with him and explain yourself to him. If he is inexperienced, it is going to probably confuse the hell out of him. I have no idea what the likely fall-out is going to be.
tbf Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 The person that said it's always better to wait should go read the thread about getting mad after 10 dates. That was an eye opener for me!In a situation where the guy walks because he's "getting no sex", it's really no loss. 5
joystickd Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 He asked you to be his girlfriend after 3 dates? Isn't that a little strange? It seems extremely early to me. You hardly know one another after 3 dates! It's possible he asked you to be his gf because he knew it was what you said you needed in order to have sex. But it's also possible he's being genuine. I know a lot of people on his forum push for "don't wait for sex, don't use sex as a manipulation tool" etc. But - just think about it. If you put off sex and he still sticks around, well then chances are better he's in it for YOU, not jsut the sex. If he ends things, well then all of this was just about the sex. Lesson: It is never a bad idea to wait on sex!!! They have talked for 6 weeks. That is long enough time to know. If she doesn't want to have sex or feels now is not a good time then she should end it. A month and a half is long enough time to figure out what you want any longer then you just playing games
joystickd Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 3 dates isn't unreasonable. Waiting say 6 dates doesn't change anything because if sex is all he wants, he'll still bounce. Hell there are guys that will play the role. Some as I have heard it know how to keep their d**k in their pocket until they get what they want. Plus if a man has no problem waiting over a 2 months he is usually banging someone else to hold him over til you give him some.
BradJacobs Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 I'm simply echoing what others have said. If it doesn't feel right then wait until it does.
veggirl Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 To be fair 3 dates is way too soon to know if you see someone "long term" so I don't blame him for FEELING that way...most people aren't so clueless as to actually SAY that though. It REALLY sounds like he is saying that so you will keep your expectations low. Like, okay he'll give you the title...but he doesn't want you to expect much out of it. Basically, he's going along with your "I gotta be your gf first" thing so that he can get laid. 3
sillyanswer Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 In a situation where the guy walks because he's "getting no sex", it's really no loss. I agree. The loss is where another guy walks because he thinks the woman isn't interested (due to her refusing sex) when it turns out she was interested and just wanted to wait a while, but they failed to communicate successfully (and he got butthurt when his sexual advances were rebuffed). It's a few more words than 'just wanted sex' but I suspect it happens just as often.
joystickd Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 I agree. The loss is where another guy walks because he thinks the woman isn't interested (due to her refusing sex) when it turns out she was interested and just wanted to wait a while, but they failed to communicate successfully (and he got butthurt when his sexual advances were rebuffed). It's a few more words than 'just wanted sex' but I suspect it happens just as often. The thing is if a woman is interested and really into a guy she should show it and not BS around with waiting. In a way that is a mixed signal. We talk like the OP did for six weeks and go on three dates. 6 weeks is good enough time to know a lot if you are talking regularly. You have dates and hang out in between dates, but there are plenty of women that are really interested and not into the waiting game and its always easier to do that. My other thing is: What is it as a woman that makes you feel that is so special about you that a man should wait? There are numerous women out in the world that won't put a man though the hoops if they are truly interested. What is it that makes you different than other women that a man would be willing to do that?
joystickd Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 I'm simply echoing what others have said. If it doesn't feel right then wait until it does. If it doesn't feell right then be woman enough to end it. At any given time anyone knows what they want
soccerrprp Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 Good grief. I just don't understand why people cannot make decisions for themselves when it comes to things like this? If you feel uncomfortable, feel pressured to do something you don't want to, abandon ship! No one is forcing you to acquiesce to the desires of another here. If you are not ready and feel that he may be being manipulative, please move on. 2
shexy Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 Yeah I think he just asked you to be his girlfriend so you'd have sex with him. 1
soccerrprp Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 Yeah I think he just asked you to be his girlfriend so you'd have sex with him. Yes, yes, yes....you essentially told him how to get you into bed. There's another similar thread going on that touches on such matters. It doesn't really matter how long you hold out, if he wants you and is willing to play the game long enough, he will. No amount of probing and prodding each other is going to guarantee that the guy is genuine. It's all a risk. But, again, if you have bad feelings about this, bail! 1
Author thecrucible Posted July 3, 2013 Author Posted July 3, 2013 Thanks everyone. I've calmed down now. I took a dose of reality and kind of thought, "hey I'll see where this goes. If not, I'm not going to be lonely and desperate. It's not wrong for me to take the risk on this guy". Well we ended up talking more and yeah I decided to go with the flow, because clearly wherever we end up, the tide's already turned with the sexual stuff and I couldn't really change the pace, if I've already helped take it into that direction. So yeah what everyone said about how he only asked me to be his girlfriend because he wanted to have sex, and I'm not an idiot and I'm 100% sure this is true, but not necessarily because he isn't genuine. I'll have to see. So I asked him "do you feel like my boyfriend?" and he replied with: not quite fully yet, i think we need a bit more time, but i believe it'll happen. I feel closer to you each time we see each other and i don't mean just physically I don't know but I think that's good enough to me. Any more verbal guarantee would just sound insincere anyway. Really I don't feel annoyed at him, I just feel that I'm the idiot for saying what I did and that's the reason why I felt unsure. But I know how this works. In response to what he said, I turned it back at him and said I was also considering him in that way, to which he said, 'that's good'. Hmm. Even though he seems like the genuine type, I'm not going to put all eggs in one basket just because he said "I believe it'll happen". He could still be bull****ting me. However now, funnily enough, I realise how much more control I do have over my own feelings than I imagined. There is another thing. My friend seemed to think it was odd that he said to me on a date, "you know you have just as much power to hurt me, as I do to hurt you". But maybe she is over-thinking it.
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