Gf searches other guys on facebook...

[Iama]

My gf left her fb open on my pc and I went through her activity log out of curiosity...

 

I found out that roughly every 2 weeks or so she searches for:

 

- a few of her exes.

- a guy I don't know who she's not friends with and I've never heard of (we usually share with each other everyone who hits on us, or stuff like that)

- a "player" guy who she was flirting with when we got together (and kept flirting and hid it from me until we had a big argument about it and I almost broke up with her).

 

I am just bothered by the "3rd case". This was a good looking guy and she completely cut contacts with him... Hasn't seen him in months, but I keep asking myself why creep him up... Is there some kind of hidden attraction...

 

Reason for botherings?

On a side note we absolutely ALWAYS have a blast together, but this tiny details (together with trust issues that she has created from lying to me) are wearing on me

 

Finally this also happens while she is being all lovie dovie with me. I mean it's not like we are going through a rough patch and she is looking up options (understandable), it's like we're at the best of our best...

 

I'm at a loss

[MrCastle]

It's a decent sized red flag but I wouldn't hit the eject button just yet. Searching for profiles for any number of reasons, although not great, is still not a huge deal. If you were finding conversations, that's different.

 

I don't even know how you bring it up that you know, if at all. Since she can simply say something like "my girlfriend was asking if I knew any guys I could introduce her to, so I was checking to see who was still single" or something like that.

 

I would just tread with caution.

[Iama]

It's a decent sized red flag but I wouldn't hit the eject button just yet. Searching for profiles for any number of reasons, although not great, is still not a huge deal. If you were finding conversations, that's different.

 

I don't even know how you bring it up that you know, if at all. Since she can simply say something like "my girlfriend was asking if I knew any guys I could introduce her to, so I was checking to see who was still single" or something like that.

 

I would just tread with caution.

 

thanks for the reply.

 

Truth be told, most of the time she's checking for people other than her exes, she's with this female friend of hers who she gossips with.... I just wanna know what they gossip about... Especially about the third guy, since they haven't been in contact in so long......... or so I believe.........

 

Something I also noticed is that she used to search me up a lot, but then all of a sudden stopped about a month ago....

 

I can bring it up to her by just straight up asking her to share her activity log with me (she asks me to share my phone with her sometimes, so it's def within our boundaries), but Idk what that would accomplish if anything.

Edited July 2, 2013 by Iama

[AverageCat]

Talk to her. See the similar thread below.

[youngnlove89]

I'm with someone whom I love and would never leave for anyone else.

 

I look at my ex's FB out of curiosity, I look at a former FWB FB too. I also look at this guys FB that I had a crush on in HS with no intentions than to just browse. I usually am bored, nosy, or just curious. It's harmless.

 

I love my boyfriend. They don't compare.

[Iama]

I'm with someone whom I love and would never leave for anyone else.

 

I look at my ex's FB out of curiosity, I look at a former FWB FB too. I also look at this guys FB that I had a crush on in HS with no intentions than to just browse. I usually am bored, nosy, or just curious. It's harmless.

 

I love my boyfriend. They don't compare.

 

This was the kind of answer I was looking for.

 

Can you PLEASE elaborate on WHY you creep on these guys. Even though your consciousness tells you you LOVE your bf ONLY... there must be some sort of hidden curiosity / attraction, or otherwise what's the reason for creeping on them... I understand immediately after a break up. But even after months / years of no contact?

 

We've talked about almost all the guys my gf creeps on. She's told me her exact reasoning on them.

 

Exes - There is nothing.

Guy who she flirted with while we were non-exclusive - Nothing would have happened, he was too much of a player..

 

However if you're set on this, there would be NO SUCH THING as curiosity.

 

I used to have my own 2-3 girls I would check on facebook, but they just faded away after I got into an R. And I was checking on them, because I was thinking THEY WERE AN OPTION.. although I wouldn't compare them to my R

[youngnlove89]

This was the kind of answer I was looking for.

 

Can you PLEASE elaborate on WHY you creep on these guys. Even though your consciousness tells you you LOVE your bf ONLY... there must be some sort of hidden curiosity / attraction, or otherwise what's the reason for creeping on them... I understand immediately after a break up. But even after months / years of no contact?

 

We've talked about almost all the guys my gf creeps on. She's told me her exact reasoning on them.

 

Exes - There is nothing.

Guy who she flirted with while we were non-exclusive - Nothing would have happened, he was too much of a player..

 

However if you're set on this, there would be NO SUCH THING as curiosity.

 

I used to have my own 2-3 girls I would check on facebook, but they just faded away after I got into an R. And I was checking on them, because I was thinking THEY WERE AN OPTION.. although I wouldn't compare them to my R

 

I'm not your girlfriend so I don't know her reasoning. But like I said, I search for innocent curiosity. I have memories with them, I don't hate them, and I'm just curious to see where they are in life. AND I will assure you, if she didn't want you to know she was searching those guys, she would have hid it so well you wouldn't be here asking this question. Don't fret. Trust your gf. If you can't trust her, talk to her.. If you can't talk to her, leave her.

[Iama]

I'm not your girlfriend so I don't know her reasoning. But like I said, I search for innocent curiosity. I have memories with them, I don't hate them, and I'm just curious to see where they are in life. AND I will assure you, if she didn't want you to know she was searching those guys, she would have hid it so well you wouldn't be here asking this question. Don't fret. Trust your gf. If you can't trust her, talk to her.. If you can't talk to her, leave her.

 

I'm not fretting.

If I think about it logically, she has done so much for me and to show me I am truly her one (as have I). I know there is nothing. If she wanted to contact she would... (Some of her exes still message her from time to time asking her back and she doesn't answer)...

 

I think my gfs case is very similar to yours.

And that's why I'll ask more questions like:

How do you compare your bf with these guys you creep. Or would you subconsciously want these guys attention?? I mean why not creep on some other guys/girls but these ones? What's so special about them, if you have no interest in them just like you have no interest in other people.

[youngnlove89]

How do you compare your bf with these guys you creep.

You are not listening. I don't compare. I said that.

 

Or would you subconsciously want these guys attention??

No.

 

I mean why not creep on some other guys/girls but these ones?

Other guys? Like who?

 

What's so special about them, if you have no interest in them just like you have no interest in other people.

I do have an "interest" in them. I know them. I'm curious about them. Doesn't mean I want ***** them. Doesn't mean I want to date them. It's the same way I feel when I see the glossy magazines at check out talking about Kim Kardashian and her new baby. I'm curious, interested, strikes my fancy. Has nothing to do with whether I love my bf or not.

 

You need to relax. This is not a big issue. Enjoy your relationship. Come back when it becomes an issue.

[crederer]

Naw man, no problem from what I see. People are curious creatures.

[Iama]

I'm relaxed and not attacking you in any way, just trying to understand, and thanks for the convo.

 

You are not listening. I don't compare. I said that.

 

 

No.

 

 

Other guys? Like who?

 

Like your guy friend, Ben, or your late class mate Bob, or the guy who hit on you at the counter the other day, Jack, or your coworker, Bill.

 

I do have an "interest" in them. I know them. I'm curious about them. Doesn't mean I want ***** them. Doesn't mean I want to date them. It's the same way I feel when I see the glossy magazines at check out talking about Kim Kardashian and her new baby. I'm curious, interested, strikes my fancy. Has nothing to do with whether I love my bf or not.

 

You need to relax. This is not a big issue. Enjoy your relationship. Come back when it becomes an issue.

 

But what are you curious about? Tell me one thing in this world you are curious about that does NOT interest you. You look at Kardashian's new baby, because you are interested in her. If you wouldn't give a **** about her, you would not check the magazine out. Rational or not, there is interest.

 

By that same logic, I think that in the back of your mind you're curious / interested about your exes. Doesn't mean your logical mind would ever say yes to them, but that there is interest.

 

And finally in the middle of all this, you're not curious about your bf?

[youngnlove89]

Like your guy friend, Ben, or your late class mate Bob, or the guy who hit on you at the counter the other day, Jack, or your coworker, Bill.

 

I don't go on FB enough to check on everyone.

 

But what are you curious about? Tell me one thing in this world you are curious about that does NOT interest you. You look at Kardashian's new baby, because you are interested in her. If you wouldn't give a **** about her, you would not check the magazine out. Rational or not, there is interest.

 

I did tell you I was interested in my ex's. I also said that I don't want them back. Interest as in curious.

 

Here I said:

I do have an "interest" in them. I know them. I'm curious about them. Doesn't mean I want ***** them. Doesn't mean I want to date them. It's the same way I feel when I see the glossy magazines at check out talking about Kim Kardashian and her new baby. I'm curious, interested, strikes my fancy. Has nothing to do with whether I love my bf or not.

And finally in the middle of all this, you're not curious about your bf?

 

Where did I ever say that? My bf doesn't have a FB for one. For two, if I want to know something I call him or I go hangout with him.

 

How old are you?

[lop98]

I don't search the person I'm in a relationship with... I do it when they're just beginning to attract me and I'm dying to find out more, later when dating, and obsessively post breakup. It isn't a rule, I just think I can now ask them in person whatever I'm trying to find on the internet... and I'll hear it with a voice and other related elements.

 

I've always checked up on exes and some hot guys, I do it way less in a relationship but still do it anyway, part of my online nighttime routine... reasons vary... there was one guy I had deep feelings for but not much happened, I check up on him because first of all, it's already routine, I type M and he's the first result, why not click again? he also travels a lot and hangs out in cool places... I like seeing how his life goes... I don't even find him attractive anymore, I guess checking his fb is like seeing a soap opera unfold... I check up on others because they never post anything and I'm constantly intrigued about mysterious disappearances online ... there's also a guy I dated when I was 17 (first love) that I always end up searching for, absolutely no feelings, he just makes cool posts, lives across the world now and I have a laugh seeing what his pothead friends write on his wall... and checking up on hot guys is particularly entertaining because it's always gossip among girlfriends to learn who he's dating or discuss the woman in turn, or discuss his activity.

 

Just like younglove89, I would never trade the guy I'm with over someone that's just fun to stalk... in fact I've never dated someone that became online fun for me. Sometimes a lot of boring people come across as really fun online and vice versa, you just get hooked on certain profiles and how they're being "produced"... it's as innocent as that for me.

[Iama]

Thanks for the answers.

 

Im in my last year of college.

 

This is what I think:

Every second you search for a person on facebook (or think of them), you are investing time in them (without that investment being reciprocated) and therefore creating more of a bond with them. If you think about it that's how infatuations are created. You just keep thinking about a person... It's like you're spending time with the person, or their memory.

 

Last question for both(I swear). If you broke up with you current bf and one of these guys would happen to be around and asked you to grab a coffee, what would you say?

[youngnlove89]

Thanks for the answers.

 

Im in my last year of college.

 

This is what I think:

Every second you search for a person on facebook (or think of them), you are investing time in them (without that investment being reciprocated) and therefore creating more of a bond with them. If you think about it that's how infatuations are created. You just keep thinking about a person... It's like you're spending time with the person, or their memory.

 

Last question for both(I swear). If you broke up with you current bf and one of these guys would happen to be around and asked you to grab a coffee, what would you say?

 

You really need to figure out your insecurities/control issues. This is not a big thing. And no, my feelings don't "grow" every time I check out their Facebook.

 

As far as your question goes: sure why not, I'd get coffee with them. AS FRIENDS. Probably to talk about how controlling my boyfriend was (you) and how he couldn't trust me (you).

[Iama]

You really need to figure out your insecurities/control issues. This is not a big thing. And no, my feelings don't "grow" every time I check out their Facebook.

 

As far as your question goes: sure why not, I'd get coffee with them. AS FRIENDS. Probably to talk about how controlling my boyfriend was (you) and how he couldn't trust me (you).

 

Pfft this is complete bs. Believe me. This is what I would say to my logical mind to not judge myself.

 

Yeah, Id grab a coffee with them "as friends".

 

Well thats what the 56 girls I've slept with have said, when I invited them over.... Yea sure, I'll go there to hang out. Not like anything's gonna happen.

 

This is not about my controlling behavior (which is the case, in this case)

[anna121]

Thanks for the answers.

 

Im in my last year of college.

 

This is what I think:

Every second you search for a person on facebook (or think of them), you are investing time in them (without that investment being reciprocated) and therefore creating more of a bond with them. If you think about it that's how infatuations are created. You just keep thinking about a person... It's like you're spending time with the person, or their memory.

 

Last question for both(I swear). If you broke up with you current bf and one of these guys would happen to be around and asked you to grab a coffee, what would you say?

 

Inserting myself here...

 

You have a theory about emotional investment. That may be how you see/perceive/experience things. Doesn't make it universal or necessarily true.

 

What is being described to you is a sort of voyeurism. Unless one is really screwed up (think obsessive stalker), it is perfectly possible to engage in that online without it stirring up any deeper emotions.

 

I click on people's FB pages. That does not make me feel particularly close to them. If something bad happened to them I would not be motivated to send them a message (unless I already knew them).

 

As for your final question, if I was single and an interesting guy I kept track of on FB asked me out, I would probably say yes. What would that prove?

[JustJana]

When I run out of stuff on the internet to look at during downtime at work or whatever I creep my ex's, friends I used to know & random friends of friends. It really didn't mean anything. I did it even when I had boyfriends that I was serious with.

[pteromom]

I'm not your girlfriend so I don't know her reasoning. But like I said, I search for innocent curiosity. I have memories with them, I don't hate them, and I'm just curious to see where they are in life. AND I will assure you, if she didn't want you to know she was searching those guys, she would have hid it so well you wouldn't be here asking this question.

 

This is me too. I search for exes and old dates once in a while. It is purely out of curiosity as to what they are up to in their lives. I have no desire to even friend them or have conversations with them. It's just about seeing what they are up to.

[pteromom]

This is what I think:

Every second you search for a person on facebook (or think of them), you are investing time in them (without that investment being reciprocated) and therefore creating more of a bond with them. If you think about it that's how infatuations are created. You just keep thinking about a person... It's like you're spending time with the person, or their memory.

 

No, it doesn't create more of a bond. There is already a bond - shared history. Nothing more.

 

Last question for both(I swear). If you broke up with you current bf and one of these guys would happen to be around and asked you to grab a coffee, what would you say?

 

Grab a coffee as a friend/catching up? Sure.

 

Grab a coffee as in a potential dating partner. NO!!! I broke up with them the first time for a reason!

[Iama]

As for your final question, if I was single and an interesting guy I kept track of on FB asked me out, I would probably say yes. What would that prove?

 

Meaning you keep track of interesting guys.

Meaning you're keeping your options open.

Meaning you're not as invested and dependent on the R as if you didn't.

 

Not saying whether it's right or wrong. Different people have different boundaries. But to me creeping on other people's facebook means you have them in your life somehow.

[lop98]

The thought of developing a "bond" with any of the guys I check up online is laughable for me... what bond?!?, there is no bond!, I just check up on them, it's as guilty pleasure as the Daily Mail and seeing pictures of celebrities in a bikini late at night. Except I've met these people.

 

And no, in my case I absolutely would not accept a coffee, not only the chances are slim since in order to lurk comfortably, I have to make myself unnoticed but also, they're way too overexposed... no mystery left for me, and I'm all about mysterious men, people that expose themselves online and make for good online entertainment? no thanks, I enjoy it, but what makes me go insane is the new and obscure. Maybe these are the men a partner should watch out for, men that are brand new in my life, that I've brought up too casually and are nowhere in my computer.

 

In the case of my exes, they all became extremely boring on a personal level... talking about the same things, same jokes, whenever we've talked years later I have to make a sandwich or do my nails to compensate... but if they project their life online in an entertaining way, I'm in.

 

And yeah, I also check out friends of friends of exes... total strangers, sometimes women, if she has something like awesome hair and great style. Currently I check up on the new girlfriend of one of my exes, she's so stunning and posts interesting stuff, I may have a girl crush.

Edited July 2, 2013 by lop98

[anna121]

Meaning you keep track of interesting guys.

Meaning you're keeping your options open.

Meaning you're not as invested and dependent on the R as if you didn't.

 

Not saying whether it's right or wrong. Different people have different boundaries. But to me creeping on other people's facebook means you have them in your life somehow.

 

Sorry, not getting how my possible reaction AFTER a break-up feeds back into my mindset BEFORE it.

 

Is it the fact one DOESN'T feel a bond with the FB guys what makes you think that that is keeping options open? What about in-person guy friends - do those indicate a lack of investment too?

[Iama]

Sorry, not getting how my possible reaction AFTER a break-up feeds back into my mindset BEFORE it.

 

Is it the fact one DOESN'T feel a bond with the FB guys what makes you think that that is keeping options open? What about in-person guy friends - do those indicate a lack of investment too?

 

Like I said, different boundaries for different people.

 

My gf hates it if I keep a girl who likes me (or I've made out at some point in my life) as a friend... and I don't do it, so I just expect the same courtesy.

 

And the whole thing I don't like is that my girl is investing on these people more than they are, which I find as such a turn off...

Just like I could care less if my gf friendzoned a guy and the guy kept giving her attention but she reciprocated less, but it would bother me if my girl more attention to a guy than he would to her.

 

Makes sense or am I crazy?

[veggirl]

I think it's VERY weird to be REGULARLY searching exes etc on FB. I mean once in a blue moon...sure...but every couple of weeks?! No that sounds like "unresolved feelings/issues"

 

I've been with my bf for 2 yrs and I think in that time I've looked up an ex ONCE. Why in the world would you need to do that every 2 weeks? Totally bizarre, I'd be very bothered if my bf was thinking of his exes and looking them up so often. That's not normal. I don't even think of my exes, much less consider cyber stalking them.

 

Unless she is also looking up her 5th grade long lost bff every 2 weeks as well....which I asume she's not, just exes/guys. Weird. I can't even imagine an ex crossing my mind that often!