Jump to content
While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

Recommended Posts

Posted

It's July and my wife and I have been physically intimate 3x this year...that's down from a typical year of 1x/month or so. Funny...she continues to think that the relationship is as good as it has ever been even though I have not been too shy about saying otherwise.

 

In recent weeks we have had a major life shift. She was let go from her job last year, and I recently left mine taking a job about 900mi away, so we are moving. After this happened she started getting all flirty, etc...playing it up like her sex drive was miraculously back, even saying as much...talking about how horny she was etc. Still when it came time for bed she would sleep down stairs on the couch or physically ignore me.

 

About 2 weeks ago we had an ok sexual encounter (better than nothing, but hardly mind blowing).

 

She continues to make implications about how sexual she is etc...at which I have started to simply say things like "no you are not"...I have gotten to the point of brutal honesty I guess...

 

I can actually see a path towards divorce now. Sell our current house...divest ourselves of certain obligations, etc.

 

The big challenge will be the new location... I feel some guilt moving us down there, but it is a good career move for me after having subverted it for her only to have her throw hers away.

 

A few weeks back she started substitute teaching to pick up some extra money (finally) and wanted to quit after the second day because it was "hard"... I tried to be supportive, but I also expressed to her that we needed the money. She took this as me caring more about the money than her. I am super excited about the new position, but I know it will be a challenging move for her from a mental health standpoint.

 

The point? I am not sure there is one. I think I just need to get this in writing. I am fully aware that some of you will say I am being selfish, and maybe you are right. But I feel like I need to take care of my, and my sons, needs right now. She needs to figure out how to handle her own issues, no matter what I do it never seems to help.

  • Author
Posted

She isn't a bad person...and I do love her, but I resent her a lot.

 

She has some mental health issues, but I also feel like she uses them as an excuse/crutch.

Posted

No kids?

 

Where does her family love? If you really want a divorce, why not do it before you move her away to someplace new?

 

 

One last question or thought - I did not specifically undertand when (time frame) she started to become mroe verbally flirty and expressive sexually......sometimes you need to work (talk) yourself up to returning to any activity. Sometimes all it ends up is talk - but i do the same thing about getiing back to working out after a slump - start talking about hitting the gym and going hard, for a few days, until I go again. But then again - you are both sleeping apart now...

  • Author
Posted

One kid. It was a few days worth of build up, but after so many years being put off on a regular basis I don't really have the patience to work on her schedule anymore.

  • Author
Posted

Why would it be harder for her to move back home?

Posted

Sorry but I agree with Forum lurker. If you a truly done with your marriage, then end it before you move for a job. That leaves you with the choice of staying close to your child or moving for money.

 

The sad fact is that if you move her to a new location and then divorce her, you are trapping her. Are you going to put her up in an apartment? Are you going to pay for her to move back home? Are you going to fight her for custody or make her leave her child in the new state? Do you both have friends and family to lean on when/if you divorce her?

 

I moved for my husband and got bitch slapped in the face for it. Yes we are still married after his EA, but I sure as the hell did not have many choices should I have wanted out because of the EA.

 

Please I beg of you do not put her in this position regardless of how resentful you are do to lack of sex. It is ok for lack of sex to be a marriage ender for you, but got out like a gentleman.

Posted
Why would it be harder for her to move back home?

I am getting from your post that you are the main bread winner and this move will make you the sole bread winner.

 

How is she to afford not only the move out there with you, but the move home should you divorce?

 

How would she afford a new place to live?

 

How do you feel about which location the child lives in? I am pretty sure she would not want the child to remain in another state than her.

 

The better question is why would you want to hurt her in such a way?

  • Author
Posted
I am getting from your post that you are the main bread winner and this move will make you the sole bread winner.

 

Any issue surrounding who or who is not the breadwinner is on her. She is capable of working but does not in a gainful way. That's on her.

 

How is she to afford not only the move out there with you, but the move home should you divorce?

 

One would assume there would be a divorce settlement.

 

How would she afford a new place to live?

 

How could she afford that were we to divorce now?

 

How do you feel about which location the child lives in? I am pretty sure she would not want the child to remain in another state than her.

 

The better question is why would you want to hurt her in such a way?

 

Meh... she is the one that has convinced herself that the marriage is as good as ever.

Posted
Meh... she is the one that has convinced herself that the marriage is as good as ever.

So you would rather her continue in this little bubble so that you can burst it once you move her to a new town. How does that make you a nice guy? Either you want the marriage or you don't....but pretending does not help things.

 

Quite frankly you are coming off like a complete jerk. Care to answer the questions I asked earlier? And maybe one more....are blue balls that bad that they can make you turn into a cold hearted jerk?

Posted

Sorry that I am coming off harsh, but it seems from your previous posts and this one that you really are done with the marriage. I vote for ending it before the move. Just my perspective. It makes sure that you are still in good standing with everyone involved for the long term. Trust me....add together the move and ditch with her mental illness....you will be the bad guy, regardless of all the stress you have handled.

Posted

You're not happy and you're not satisfied.

 

What do YOU plan to change?

Posted

At least make sure she has support before you leave. Let that be your final act.

 

There is a high chance that she will recover once you have gone. Mental illness is a form of communication. She may not be allowing herself to fully express how unhappy she actually is.

 

Take care,

Eve x

  • Author
Posted

I will give her the support I am obligated to give her. Maybe I am a d1ck...maybe I am beyond caring. I have stated my position on numerous occasions but she chooses to ignore it and me. That's on her. What I decide to do in the future is unknown as yet. I want to see if I can get the career I subjugated for her back on track and see if that makes me happier. I can't imagine growing old with her at this point...who knows, that could change (though I doubt it).

 

Maybe I am just hoping she hates it where we move and gives me an ultimatum... her or my job.

Posted (edited)
I will give her the support I am obligated to give her. Maybe I am a d1ck...maybe I am beyond caring. I have stated my position on numerous occasions but she chooses to ignore it and me. That's on her. What I decide to do in the future is unknown as yet. I want to see if I can get the career I subjugated for her back on track and see if that makes me happier. I can't imagine growing old with her at this point...who knows, that could change (though I doubt it).

 

Maybe I am just hoping she hates it where we move and gives me an ultimatum... her or my job.

 

I hear your frustration loud and clear, and I've read your other threads - so I know this has been going on for a long time.

 

I just wanted to point out that wanting her to give the ultimatum is basically the reason you're still in this mess. No, it's not your fault that she's not paying attention to what you need. But you've known that for years, and you know it's not going to change. What I'm wondering is why you want her to be the one to fire the bullet. Guilt? Fear? Why not just end this yourself? Why wait for her to do it? You've said many times that she thinks this relationship is fine: She's not going to do it.

 

You are the one who's unhappy. I know it'll be tempting to get defensive when I say this, but I'm saying this for your own good, not to blame you for the demise of your marriage: At this point, it's really on you to make the change and to finish this, and not in a passive-aggressive way (moving across the country for a job and hoping she won't want to come with is passive-aggressive, and let's face it, might backfire). Own your feelings, openly, and end the relationship, as you clearly want to do. Don't wait for her to do it just so that you'll feel less guilty. You might wait forever. You've already waited years. And you might feel just as guilty anyway.

 

It's really time to face the music here. Just do it yourself.

Edited by serial muse
  • Like 2
Posted

Mental illness is not a symptom of illness. it is an illness, just like diabetes or emphysema or whatever. Is she having this disease treated and is she complying with the treatment?

 

I ask because I have a diagnosis too, and it is MY job to do what the doctor says and make the effort to continue to live successfully with it.

 

Would it be a spouse's job to fix someone's diabetes? No. So it is not your job to "fix" her illness.

  • Author
Posted

I don't think I suggested it was my job to "fix" her, and I know very well that mental illness is in fact an illness. In fact I think I said that some of my frustration comes from the fact that she does not manage her illness well. If I did not I apologize.

  • 1 month later...
  • Author
Posted

Another update: We have moved. I have taken a new position and surprise, surprise wife has managed to find a job that puts us on decent financial footing for the first time in a couple of years. Waiting for the other shoe to drop when she finds a reason to quit while trying to put a supportive face on things.

 

Physically things are ok. The summer has been downright randy compared to the rest of the year. She flirts (teases) a lot but the payoff is still limited. Sex twice since June...lol.

 

Half the time we don't even sleep in the same bed, one of us falls asleep on the couch.

 

Oddly she seems upset with me if I don't go out of my way to kiss her goodbye in the morning.

 

Focusing on the new job, new students, new challenges. Very happy in that regard.

×
×
  • Create New...