Parenting tips for children of separation

[Serenity35]

Here's the background. Husband and I separated months ago. H is not dealing real well with it. We have 3 boys, 13,8,6. At first we had an arrangement with the kids. I had them throughout the week and he had them on the weekends. The kids were coming and we were following this arrangement for a couple of weeks then slowly one by one the kids refuse to come here. I'm thinking there is some manipulation going on, but I don't know what to do or say to them now. H refuses to force them to come. H stayed in the house and I moved out.

Does anyone have any advice on how I can get the kids to come back without putting them in the middle and using them as pawns. I have never beat my kids, in fact up until 4 months ago, H didn't have much to do with them. I raised them pretty much by myself until now. This is ripping my heart out!!!

[Devildog]

If your husband is not dealing with it very well I assume you were the one who made the decision to seperate. I doubt he is happy about it and probably resents you, and most likely is using the kids as pawns and telling them you are the reason that you guys are no longer together. You didn't give any details on what led to the decision to seperate, so is it a problem that you couldn't work out or did you try to work it out?

[bluechocolate]

I would agree with DevilDog - it sounds like the father is using these kids as pawns himself.

 

I'm thinking there is some manipulation going on

 

Of course there is. The right thing for him to do is ensure that the children maintain a healthy relationship with their mother, even if it pains him to do so. He should be insisting that they keep their visits with you.

 

I take it that you haven't involved lawyers as yet? You may have to begin speaking to one to make sure that you can maintain contact with your children on a regular basis.

[Ladyjane14]

It's quite possible, even probable, that your husband has negatively influenced your boys. However, they are certainly of an age to form their own opinions, particularly the 13-year-old. It sounds like they may be blaming the split entirely on you. For you to blame this all on your husband is not giving the kids enough credit.

 

While it's unhealthy to give them all the dirt on why you and your husband separated, you will likely have to make more explanation than you have. I'm not suggesting that you divulge details, but rather that you sit thm down and enter into a dialogue where they can have their questions answered. Their animousity suggests that they have some unfinished business about all this.

 

It would help tremendously to have your husband on board for that. If not, you might consider family counseling. If you and your husband are still bickering, it's just going to add to the children's distress. They need to see you on the same team, at least in regards to parenting.

 

Your husband needs to understand that undermining the maternal relationship by not enforcing visitation is damaging to his children. Maybe you could provide him with some literature on the subject.

 

And you might consider that since you have split with their father it is no longer appropriate to call for Dads intercession on day-to-day discipline problems. That will also undermine the mother/son bond. They need to feel secure in the fact that you can handle those problems on your own.

 

Good Luck!

[ladyangel]

Have you sat your boys down and talked to THEM about why they haven't been coming around as much? Listen to them and try not to put the blame on your husband, even if you suspect he's influencing them. Don't let yourself get caught up in a blame game or making your boys feel uncomfortable by talking negatively about your husband in front of them. Don't give up.

 

Maybe you could start by calling them and inviting them to do something fun with you, spend some quality time and work your way up to more time. You have to slowly earn their trust that their time with you will be positive and not have anything to do with what is going on between you and their dad. I think once you do that, they will want to come around more often.

 

The other thing that might be a big factor is the fact that your husband is still living in the house. I'm sure the boys feel more comfortable in the family home, hanging out in the neighborhood with their friends, etc. It's hard for kids to make that change. Like I said, take it slow and give them time to get used to it. You're their mom. They're not going to turn away from you. Give them time.

 

Good luck and keep us posted.

[izzybelle]

ladyangel makes some good points. i also moved out of the house and my ex kept it. while my kids (now 11 & 13 one of each) didn't refuse to come to my apartment, it was really clear at the beginning that they considered "home" to be their dad's house. and yes, that hurt. we've moved into a bigger place and it's made things better but we're still renting so it's still a bit of a touchy subject. it's not a home unless you own it.

 

i agree, don't get caught up in the manipulation, it will only make things worse. but do try talking to them about it. one "problem" that i had with my son, early on, was a bit of uneasiness, fear and probably a little resentment. what i realized and talked with him about, was that since i had been the one to leave, that i had "fallen out of love" with his dad, he was afraid that i would stop loving him too. my daughter never questioned that so i don't know if that's more likely with boys or not.

 

if your H hadn't spent much time with them in the past it may just simply be the novelty of the fact that dad is now there for them. yes, it's frustrating. my ex went from somewhat non-existent to trying to be super dad to prove to everyone that he was wonderful and i was terrible. needless to say, it didn't last long and completely backfired on him. the kids know they can't count on him, they find it amusing that he has "pick up kids" in his PDA.... i think it actually makes them feel badly that he has to remind himself to pick them up or he'd schedule something over it. he's engaged now and the kid's clearly know their "place" in his life.

 

be patient, but definitely try to talk to them about it. if they're anything like my son, trying to get them to talk will be like pulling teeth. i sometimes have had to resort to making him a little angry with me before he'd open up and tell me what was up. i hate doing it but sometimes with him it's the only way i've been able to get him to talk about anything.

 

hand in there and don't give up.

[Serenity35]

Thank you very much for your responses and suggestions

 

I'll try and devulge more info without getting to boring.

 

It was my decision to separate, I just didn't love him anymore, plus he has a very manipulitive mother who had such a hold on her son that it was a real sore spot in the marriage from day 1. Years of listening to her tell me how I could be a better wife and mother took it's toll. Now she has stepped in and taken over the mother role somewhat. Takes the kids to the store whenever they WANT..not need something and it usually turns out to be a new toy..What kid wouldn't just suck this all in? They have a grandmother that will cook, clean and buy them things.I have asked H to ask her to stop but as usual she is right and I'm wrong.

 

I do know H tells the kids things like "Well this was your mothers decision so we have to live with it wether we like it or not."

 

Before I moved out I tried to read everything I could get my hands on to help the kids to understand and to accept what was going to happen. What I learned from that is never bad mouth the other parent in front of the kids and never say "I fell out of love with your father". I have also never badmouthed their grandmother in front of them as much as it makes my tounge bleed not to do so! Gives new meaning to biting your tounge! Btw once the kids were starting to complain about coming to me, she called and told me not to be so rigid about the schedule, let them stay with their Dad when they want..That went against everything I had read but once again I fell under her spell and agreed with hopes that it would change. I know stupid move on my part!!

 

Sunday I had them for about 6 hours and took them shopping with my side of the family for new winter gear. Once they had what they wanted, I turned into the evil witch who ruined everything. Thats a quote from the 13 year old. Also they refuse to have anything to do with my side of the family. If my Mom does watch them they act terrible around her and say awful things and she usually leaves in tears.

 

I have put my kids first from day one, took them everywhere and did everything for them. Sure I've made mistakes along the way, I don't think there is such a thing as a perfect parent, but this hurts deeper than anything I had could ever imagine.

 

I have tried talking to them until I'm blue in the face, and just when I think we may turn the corner I feel like I hit a brick wall. I've asked them why they won't come here and the 6 year old says he's scared here, when I ask what is he scared of, he only answers with "I don't know". I do know H told him that he would loose the house without my income there to help support it (which is a total lie) he makes a huge income. When I confronted H on the issue he says he never said it. The 8 year old was coming here and said he never wanted to go back home, now after his scheduled visitation with H he refuses to come back. Why? He won't tell me. I called tonight to see if he wanted to come and he said yes, when I got there H was there and he refused to come with me. I left in tears once again.

I knew it was going to be hard, but never ever did I dreamt the kids would do this!

[izzybelle]

holy crap, what a mess! in many ways your situation sounds a lot like mine. my in-laws have major bucks and have routinely tried to "buy" the kids, or that's the way it appears. my mom is on social security and can't compete. luckily my kids are old enough and saavy enough to know what's going on. they know i can't afford to get them all of the things they want and their response now is that they'll ask their grandparents for it for christmas. i'd like to think their dad doesn't do too much bad mouthing but knowing him it's done pretty subtley. it's so easy to sway the kids one way or another, and we've been there more times than i can count. not so much about them wanting to be one place or another but usually about doing things.

 

the worst thing i see with my kids is that they've learned to play the game that many don't learn until they're adults. but they've learned well from their father. he tells people what they want to hear and i see them doing that as well. i know it and i try really hard to not let them get away with it. their father takes everything at face value or sometimes twists it to his own advantage.

 

i did make the mistake of telling my kids i fell out of love with their father. and that created the only problem i've had with my son. wish i'd read the book!!! but as soon as i figured that he was afraid i didn't love him we were ok.

 

my kids also expressed some concerns about being at my place instead of the "home" they were used to. they'd never lived in an apartment before and having other people coming and going was spooky for them. we moved into a t'house (still renting) but we have our own entrance and the kids have definitely liked being here more. i've also let them get lots of little pets. i love animals so i have to admit most have been my idea! but they love it. it took them a while to get used to everything. all the furniture was different, different buses, different smells, it was all pretty scary to them at first. so be patient and don't give up on them. i wish i had something magical to say to you that would be the key to make it all better. but with not ever really knowing what goes on at the "other" house, it's so hard to second guess and come up with any easy solutions.

 

i think what you're doing is best. it's hard, i know, to feel like your kids don't want to be with you. the first time i had a fight with my daughter and she said she wanted to go back to her dad's my heart broke. it's so hard when you give your heart, soul, and all of your time and energy to these little people and they throw it back in your face. it does sound like his mother is complicating things but it sounds like she's over involved, like mine. and telling her to butt out is only going to have negative consequences. just try to keep the lines of communication open. i did what i could to make coming to my place fun and now (fortunately or not) they've said they see coming to my place as a vacation. and see just saying that is another hard part. we tend to refer to things as dad's or mom's place and i did for a while try to consistently refer to it as home. it's hard when they're being shifted back and forth. JUST DON'T GIVE UP!!!!

[Serenity35]

Thanks Izzy..Are you sure we weren't married to the same man? I'm going to the house tomorrow night to sit them down and talk to them with H there, so words will not be misinturrepted, and there will only be ONE side of the story. I hope this works.

Thanks again all for the help and support!!

[izzybelle]

serenity, god help us both if we were married to the same man!!!

 

just make sure you take care of yourself through all of this. don't let the stress get to you any more than it has to. a glass of wine, a nice long bath, watching those movies that none of the rest of your family wants to watch, read, and just relax. it will make it easier for you. i know, easy to say but hard to do.

 

take care and let us know how things go tomorrow. GOOD LUCK!!!!

[Merin]

If you haven't made the seperation a legal one, please consider doing so.

 

The courts can and will make family counseling priority. In most states, it is mandatory for divorcing/seperating parents to go to a class on how divorce effects thier children. It is also mandatory in most states that all children over the age of 5 also attend a class to help them cope with the situation of divorce.

 

It is unfortunate that so many people will use thier children to get to the other spouse involved it pisses me off so much! They are really doing a grave injustice to thier children.

 

I have 2 little people 4 and 7 and I understand how hard these things can be on them.. they already feel very displaced.

 

Be as patient as you can... reassure them that this decision had nothing to do with them... that you and thier dad both still love them very much and that you will BOTH always be in thier lives.

 

Again.. I recommend seeking legal help here and quickly before your husband is able to do more damage to your little folk.

 

Best Wishes