lukekarts Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 My now ex-girlfriend & I met almost 10 years ago, when I was 19, she was 18. We had a fantastic relationship, surviving me going to University, the subsequently her going to University - which happened over a seven year span. We obviously only saw each other at weekends for the most part, but in between, holiday etc, spent nearly all our time together. Things were great. Then, her mental state started to change, firstly due to a terrible school she was stuck working in, which pushed her to the brink of depression, following which her sister's marriage ended and it caused terrible pain to her family (much of which was financial, and also the worry about her nephew). Two of her closest friends also separated, for various reasons. I was as supportive as I could be throughout, and last summer we both decided we would relocate back to the city we went to University, as soon as each of us got a job, in order to get away and create a new life. She went first, late last year, so we went back to long-distance. Eventually, I got a job offer, and was due to start three months. Then the next warning sign - two days before I was set to leave my old job and move, she send me a text saying 'We need to talk' after not returning my calls all day. I convinced her to meet me, because I had no idea what was going on, so we met that night and spent three hours in the car talking about what was going on. My understanding was she had some doubts that were spiralling out of control, and she didn't feel we could live together. However, as we talked, things became easier and we both agreed that it was just a panic, which happens. So I moved 4 weeks ago, and for the first 10 days everything was fantastic. She did also start to see a therapist to support her with self esteem issues. Then, co-incidentally when more problems happened with her sister, she went quiet. Communication dropped, and I had some concerns that things weren't ok, but I had assumed a busy workload combined with that had affected her mood. We took another emotional ride last Tuesday when there was a fire beneath our flat which left everything covered in soot. It made her exceptionally nervous and it was a lot of panic, and effort, to make things right. It all came to a head this weekend, when I was away. Somewhat foolishly now, in hindsight, I kept pushing for an understanding of why she was closing up on me, and this text message perhaps sums it up better than anything: But there is something wrong and I don't know why. I am not happy and at the moment I can't give you answers because I don't know why. I am not 'happy' to 'just give up'. I have tried and tried and this has been going on for a little while and it keeps getting worse. Talking doesn't seem to make it better as these feelings keep coming back. It's something I have to sort out on my own, otherwise it'll just get more confused and worse. It's all getting too much for me. I can't cope anymore. If I could take away all the hurt I would. I am so sorry x I'm absolutely devastated and seeing her on Sunday and Monday has only lead to arguing and no answers. I absolutely adore her and she says she still loves me but I feel like I'm completely hopeless. It hurts so much because she couldn't even end things face to face. I did drop her a letter today, which was my 'release'. I detailed everything I could think of, from why I think things have gone wrong, to why I feel like she's not been fair on us. I am due to meet on Friday to talk, but from her perspective it is for closure. It couldn't be worse for me on a personal level either. 3 weeks into a new job, one friend within 90 miles - whom is currently hosting me on an airbed in the spare room - and I really don't know how to cope. I haven't eaten since Sunday - I have had regular trips to the toilet, and today I barely made it past 10am before I had to leave work. I've made a horrible early impression at work and feel like I'm at risk of losing my job, and perhaps even my life. I appreciate there's little anyone can say or do to help me, but any little bits of advice would be so much appreciated.
athousandquestions Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 Go read the Grass is Greener Syndrome (GIGS) thread. Do not contact her again, do not meet her 'one last time'. This girl chose to leave you. And now you need to choose to make a sincere effort to change and improve yourself. Start working out, get a hobby, make new friends, etc and do NOT CONTACT HER. You need to cut her completely out of your life. You both are very young and I know it sounds bizarre - but the sooner you cut her out the sooner she'll come back. And even if she doesn't, by that time you won't care! 2
Author lukekarts Posted July 5, 2013 Author Posted July 5, 2013 I don't think I can accept that as the reason, not yet. I know that she is often pessimistic, a 'worrier', but she's been really bad at communicating. Things don't get talked about, until she's built them up to an extent that she's truly terrified. We had agreed to meet tonight, because I just wanted to find some answers. But on Wednesday she text me to say she wasn't ready to meet yet, because our emotions were too high, and we would just end up arguing. I know she hasn't been sleeping, nor taking her phone with her during the day (I have still been in contact with her flatmat, who remains a friend). With the whole seeing a therapist thing and relationship issues with her friends and family I fear: a) she's on the brink of depression (or indeed depressed) and: b) she's become scared Thinking it through, the only real discussion we've had on this issue is that she's worried that it might not be right so better to end it now than in the future, but all it required last time was a conversation and all was ok. This was the 5 weeks ago thing, and she was like an excited girl after the conversation, looking forward to me moving in, telling me how much she loved me etc. The other thing I didn't mention is twofold: 1. When she started getting moody 2 weeks before she ended it, she was on her period. I totally misread the signs. 2. The week of the breakup, we had a fire beneath our flat that meant one sleepless night and several days of cleaning due to smoke damage. I think with so many emotions involved she's not come to a rational decision but she feels because she has made it she has got to go through with it. She even said she didn't plan on splitting up with me on Sunday but it just happened. Almost like a spur of the moment thing. I don't understand it.
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