mbethb Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 Hi all, I just started the process of filing for divorce this past Saturday. My husband and I have been back and forth for months. He has his own place and has for several months although until recently he'd only stayed there a handful of times. Every time he would leave, he'd come back saying that what he really wants is his family. He's literally left...well, I've lost count but somewhere around five times. We have a nine year old and a 3 year old and it's breaking my heart that they are going through this as well. We sat down with them once and explained that Daddy would be living elsewhere. My nine year old cried a little but has seemingly been dealing with it pretty well. The sad thing is when he once changed his mind he told her he was giving up the other place and now we're back to square one telling her he's moving out. When he came to me with the news that he had leased another home, I was at a complete loss and begged for him to stay. He claimed that I hadn't been affectionate enough basically our entire relationship (15 years together/10 married). After much discussion and even seeing a therapist together he told me that he felt he'd built a case against me in order to do what he felt he was entitled to. During the months of off and on, I found out he'd taken a trip out of the country with another woman. He didn't cover his tracks all that well. HE continued to lie after I confronted him but finally broke down and admitted to the trip. That was obviously very hurtful but I still tried to work things out because I really wanted my family to work. The thought of sharing our children breaks my heart. I will continue therapy on my own. I do feel a little more empowered now that I've started the process of filing. I'm just wondering when I'll hate him. I really want to hate him!! I would never bad mouth him to our children but I feel like I need anger to move forward. I'm not sure what I'm looking for here. Maybe just another outlet to vent frustrations and maybe get some advice and support.
elfman Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 (edited) Hey, sorry to hear of your divorce. I can relate to your situation in many points, we were married for 10 years, dated for 7, all well and good. To make the story short, she decided to divorce and AFTER that, I started finding out about a lot of stuff that she had been doing behind my back (didnt have proof of a phisical affair, but still, the smell was all over it). At first, my reaction was just like yours, beg, cry, plead... nothing. Secondly, sadness over "doing this to our family" "doing this to my kids" (I could not conceive it, but there was nothing I could do, I didnt ask for a divorce, she did, and she did not file, she just said it, but left me open as a plan B all the time). Thirdly, I filed... after a LOT of crap. The best course of action was filing, it set the wheels in motion to get over it and get moving. I moved out, and my kids are all the better for it, no fights, no yelling, when they are with me I try for it to be a truly peaceful and enjoyable experience, minus the after-effects of normal parenting with a scream here and there, someone has to raise them after all hehehe. I am sorry to say this, but to your question of "When will I hate him", perhaps tomorrow, perhaps never... but my guess is you ARE GOING TO FIND OUT A LOT OF **** THAT WILL MAKE THAT EASY FOR YOU, along the lines of that trip you mentioned. Hate will be part of the healing process, it comes from resentment, and I am sure if he cheated on you once... well lets just say you will have a lot of resentment after the full truth comes to light. Try not to worry about the hate you need too much, after all, building your new life on a base of hate will not be good for you, its too heavy a baggage, and start worrying about being happy on your own... if divorce or reconciliation are either of your goals, take a look at the 180, it works both ways. Your move to file is the right move IMHO. Take care of yourself... hope things work out. E. Edited July 2, 2013 by elfman 1
GuyInLimbo Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 One of THE WORST things a parent can do to a child is to leave and come back multiple times. I speak from personal experience in my family that it does tremendous damage. YOU - not your husband - YOU must stop this right now. Sounds like you're moving towards this, but that can't happen anymore. It fuc*s with their emotions like nothing else and you are giving them false hopes.
Yasuandio Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 (edited) Hon, It is a terrible feeling to be abandoned, especially time and time again. I have lived this myself - as my former husband chronically abandoned me - until eventually, the abandonment literally put my life in danger when he abandoned me in a foreign country. The effect on an adult are one thing, but as Guyinlimbo states, you must realize this repeat-abandonment gig has an incaculatable negative prospect for your children. You have to stop your relations with this sick, dysfunctional person, and gravitate your children's lives to a consistent one-person household. Dispell any hopefulness for a man with chronic abandonment issues. He will not change. You are a good person. That is why hate and anger are slow to come. But no worries, they will arrive. It may even take a few years - but those emotions will come. The best thing you can do is to study about "resentment" as Mr. Elfman has mentioned above. This is most likely where your hate and anger will stem when it does finially emmerge. If you have previously done your due dilligence research -- and comprehend this emotion, then you will be prepared in advance. This is your best defense - as one can act very silly when angry and feeling hate. 1. I would look into the Elisabeth Kubler-Ross 5 Stages of grief and loss. Understand that people go in and out of the stages - that is, they are not necessisarily sequencial. Also look at other researchers positions about her work. 2. The 180's of course are excellent foundation, with no contact. Little contact can be had thru a third party to facilitate your progress. The best medicine, in my opinion is no to let the STBX spouse enter your mind at all. It is just a putton pusher that retards your forward growth. 3. Google and read every single thing you can read about "resentment." Being the kind of human being you are (apparently slow to anger and hate), hopefully, you will have the least trouble with this damaging bagage. It really solves nothing, and only gets one from moving on. 4. "Mindfulness" is a newer technique of "letting go." I cited a short but excellent starter article on Mrs. S.' thread if you would like to download it. Mrs. S found it very helpful, as I did too. 5. I am going to suggest Mimi Tanner here also. Another poster was speaking of her - and I have not nearly promoted her work enough. She is outstanding! You will learn a tremendous amount of information on how to cope with your emotions thru her free on-line email newsletters. 6. Finially -- my hero - Homer McDonald. The day I got my head around this material was the day I woke up. But it takes some work to truely absorb, and put to practice. I am honored to have had the opportunity to actually speak with him on the phone last year. He told me "Smart women are single women, married women are married to the boss." He couldn't have been more right. His materials are free on-line, both tape recorded interviews, and readings. When people are resentful -- it comes across to others - whether the resentful one knows it or not. It also comes across in your decision making, and it is a detriment to your health. Also -- I have observed that resentment (and related emotions) has some unattractive cosmetic effects on people. For instance, a common facial issue amongst people I know that have resented me - is that they have deep lines in their faces, and seem to be pre-maturely wrinkled. Some even had a grey tone to their complexion. That is just something weird I have noticed during my lifetime. Have you ever met a really sweet, kind elderly lady (or man), and then, you look deeply at their skin and eyes, and their appearance almost looks youthful, glowing to you? Try doing this sometime. The face is really a mirror I believe. If you do not feel resentment, anger, or hate, then don't try to feel it. When or if anger, hate, or resentment even comes, be prepared and knowlegable to cope with it - it will be painful, but it is only in your mind, and you can fluff it right out of your mind just with a "poof!" Especially when you know to expect it. I bet you have the smoothest, lovliest skin! The fact you are concerned says it all. You are going to be just fine, sweet girl. Yas Edited July 2, 2013 by Yasuandio 1
Author mbethb Posted July 3, 2013 Author Posted July 3, 2013 Thank you all. I will most definitely look into the reading materials suggested by Yas. Thankfully, I do have a lot of support. And luckily my father is an attorney so he's started the paperwork for the divorce and that should be available to me by the weekend. You're all very correct that starting that process is helping a bit. Knowing that the ball is rolling makes it feel more definite. I don't want to be resentful it's just that the pain, in the form of sorrow, is so overwhelming. Anger just sounded more comforting. 2
Author mbethb Posted July 4, 2013 Author Posted July 4, 2013 Good Lord, I must have read these responses a dozen times over and so desperately wish I had found this website months or years ago. Maybe there would have been hope. I did a ton of reading on most of the resources provided by YAS. It's so unbelievable that this happened to "us". I realize that most everyone feels that way but I truly felt that we were different and that this would never happen. Especially after we had our children together. My divorce papers are ready and we have a visitation schedule worked out. I'll pick them up on Sunday and we'll sign, copy, and send off to the court. I'm doing better and deep down know that I will be fine in the end...although that may be a very long time. Tonight is really bad as he and the kids are gone and I feel so terribly alone. I have friends to call but as my therapist pointed out, I don't want to exhaust my outlets. Maybe just an early night with some extra rest will make the morning seem brighter. 1
Yasuandio Posted July 4, 2013 Posted July 4, 2013 Good Lord, I must have read these responses a dozen times over and so desperately wish I had found this website months or years ago. Maybe there would have been hope. I did a ton of reading on most of the resources provided by YAS. It's so unbelievable that this happened to "us". I realize that most everyone feels that way but I truly felt that we were different and that this would never happen. Especially after we had our children together. My divorce papers are ready and we have a visitation schedule worked out. I'll pick them up on Sunday and we'll sign, copy, and send off to the court. I'm doing better and deep down know that I will be fine in the end...although that may be a very long time. Tonight is really bad as he and the kids are gone and I feel so terribly alone. I have friends to call but as my therapist pointed out, I don't want to exhaust my outlets. Maybe just an early night with some extra rest will make the morning seem brighter. Go to the doctor and get some medication for the bad nights. There is no harm in that. That is the reason medication was invented. You are smart and strong -- you will get thru it. I admire you for absorbing the material I have suggested. If you need help more help -- since u cannot PM, we will think of something. But I think you can handle it. Yas
Yasuandio Posted July 4, 2013 Posted July 4, 2013 (edited) Hon, I am happy you r doing yr reading! Edited July 4, 2013 by Yasuandio
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