My xmm is losing his house

[SunsetRed]

My XMM and I officially ended our relationship 3 years ago, although it was much time and mental effort on my part before it was finally over.

 

He was separated the entire time we dated and had been separated for 3 years, so even though the divorce was slow moving to say the least, I still felt secure w our relationship.

 

His stbx wife had been fine w him having random dates and hook ups but as soon as she found out about me, she flipped and created a scenario for him to move back and he made the choice to move back.

 

The way she created the scenario was to quit her job, become completely helpless and say "the kids are about to lose their house, they wont have a place to live."

 

So he went back for "the kids" and "the house" sound familiar? and was "living in the garage, having a sexless union with his wife and acting as a bill payer. His words.

 

So, I continued seeing him until it was obvious he was more than just a bill payer and w much help from this forum, friends, anti depressants and time itself, I was able to heal.

 

so, now I am healed, still 100% single but happy w it and he emails me out of the blue just to vent or update me that the bank is about to take his house away. He had been a victim of the gov sequesters and furloughs, so I know money was tight and as his wife refused to work, well it can happen to anyone.

 

So, now I am ashamed of myself for how triumphant I feel. He left me for "the house" and now he is losing the house. The wife used passive aggressive techniques to get him back and now those techniques have back fired.

 

Well, Ive got to deal w my feelings because what will probably happen is that he will figure out a way to save "the house" and rescue her once again.

 

Im not responding to this email except to say that I wish him the best and will keep him in my prayers.

 

Just wondering, how many of you on this forum would feel some kind of joy and glee that the house your xmm went back to, ended up going back to the bank.

[Spark1111]

Well, I'd have a hard time believing he went back solely for the house. Houses can be decreed to xwives after a buy out, and if she still refused to work...SHE'D be the one to lose it, not him.

 

He could have had half his equity, joint custody, and a new life with you too.

 

It seems to me, he LIKED the empowerment of rescuing her. Did you like the empowerment of rescuing him?

 

I get it. I use to rescue strays all the time.

 

And if his marriage does finally blow to smithereens from this financial loss, would you want to rescue him again?

 

Sunset, after DDAY I told him we'd split the equity and debt and kids amicably and he could marry his OW. It can be done.

 

you've moved on. keep moving forward. The house was an excuse. he wasn't READY to give up a lifestyle.

[whichwayisup]

You handled it well. Wish him the best and to take care of himself. Other than that, there's nothing left to say since he made his decision many months ago to try again with his wife and move back home. Sucks his circumstances have changed, life can be really hard at times. I do wonder if he was hoping you'd just be there for him to console him, to make him feel good and have an escape from his reality. Glad that you're not going backwards! His life is a mess and the last thing you need is start the A again.

[skywriter]

My XMM and I officially ended our relationship 3 years ago, although it was much time and mental effort on my part before it was finally over.

 

He was separated the entire time we dated and had been separated for 3 years, so even though the divorce was slow moving to say the least, I still felt secure w our relationship.

 

His stbx wife had been fine w him having random dates and hook ups but as soon as she found out about me, she flipped and created a scenario for him to move back and he made the choice to move back.

 

The way she created the scenario was to quit her job, become completely helpless and say "the kids are about to lose their house, they wont have a place to live."

 

So he went back for "the kids" and "the house" sound familiar? and was "living in the garage, having a sexless union with his wife and acting as a bill payer. His words.

 

So, I continued seeing him until it was obvious he was more than just a bill payer and w much help from this forum, friends, anti depressants and time itself, I was able to heal.

 

so, now I am healed, still 100% single but happy w it and he emails me out of the blue just to vent or update me that the bank is about to take his house away. He had been a victim of the gov sequesters and furloughs, so I know money was tight and as his wife refused to work, well it can happen to anyone.

 

So, now I am ashamed of myself for how triumphant I feel. He left me for "the house" and now he is losing the house. The wife used passive aggressive techniques to get him back and now those techniques have back fired.

 

Well, Ive got to deal w my feelings because what will probably happen is that he will figure out a way to save "the house" and rescue her once again.

 

Im not responding to this email except to say that I wish him the best and will keep him in my prayers.

 

Just wondering, how many of you on this forum would feel some kind of joy and glee that the house your xmm went back to, ended up going back to the bank.

 

Sunset,

 

Glad to hear an update from you and all the better that you are healed from your A.

 

Hopefully your xAP will go on with his life since his latest update.

 

I can say, that I don't wish anything ill towards my xAp and his family. I'm indifferent and choose to never see or hear from him again.

[Spark1111]

WHY respond at all? WHY keep him in your prayers?

 

After all the pain he put you through, I understand the gloat of losing the very thing he claimed made him return. That's human and I get it.

 

But stop drinking the kool-aid. She didn't make him return and her passive-aggressiveness shouldn't have kept him there either. There is a PAYOFF emotionally for both of them to be in this relationship.

 

What I do NOT get is why you continue to be nice to him and respond at all. What is the payoff for you to do so?

[MissBee]

Just wondering, how many of you on this forum would feel some kind of joy and glee that the house your xmm went back to, ended up going back to the bank.

 

 

I'm laughing because I think this is one of those things that many may feel in the moment but wouldn't admit they'd feel that way. I think those types of feelings are normal if you still have feelings for this person and all that....it makes you feel a bit vindicated. I think the more emotionally distant you are from it though, it's nether here nor there what happens with him and his life.

 

Were you guys communicating before this? I'm curious as to why he sent you an email about this. Were you guys friends?

 

I can say, that I don't wish anything ill towards my xAp and his family. I'm indifferent and choose to never see or hear from him again.

 

Yea. I was saying, I think it depends on how moved on you are. One of my exes I remember getting joy our of when his nonsense backfired, but that was when I still cared essentially. As they say, love and hate are two sides of the same coin. However, once I really got over him I became more indifferent. I wish him no ill-will, neither do I really keep him in my prayers. I don't think about him much and if he sent me an email like that, well it would be so random and weird and I'd not know how to respond and probably wouldn't.

Edited July 2, 2013 by MissBee

[HopingAgain]

It may be seen as normal.to revel in the suffering of others, but that doesn't make it right. I'm sure you don't want to be that kind of person right? Don't let MM drag you down to that level. If you do, he still has power over you, no matter how long he's been absent from.your life.

[SunsetRed]

Update...im proud of myself for letting this go and for not allowing myself to try and rescue him or offer positive or angry advice.

 

Inwardly I can see that I haven't completely let go, as this relationship will always be a freshly healed wound for me, but outwardly I am carrying myself like a woman who has mastered the art of detachment and wisdom.

 

So, Im very proud of myself for NOT pointing out to him that he may have kept his house had his wife worked. Im tempted to get involved and remind of the scenario she created in 2010 and that her unwillingness to contribute financially to her family, combined w her desire to bleed him dry financially, led to his current demise. BUT, Im posting here and letting it go instead. I think he expected me to try and rescue him and I know he expected me to point out that his wife quit her job, but I have done the unexpected and have simply let it go.

 

Saying anything against the wife wouldn't benefit me anyway. He would just defend her honor, save the house and probably take her on a trip to celebrate.

 

As I write this, I realize how Effed up I am to have gotten in this mess and to still let it get into my head space today, 3 years later. Well, it is what it is. Something in me got me into this. All of us on this forum have somehow gotten into a mess like this or they'd be no OW forum for us to share our stories. None the less, here is my story now...My xmm can lose his house, he can save his house he can rescue his wife and stay in his marriage (that's not really a marriage, according to him ) he can do whatever. But whatever he does, it will b without me because I am choosing to keep moving on from this damaging drama.

[whichwayisup]

Saying anything against the wife wouldn't benefit me anyway. He would just defend her honor, save the house and probably take her on a trip to celebrate.

Do you see in your own words that what you've said about his wife, stuff he's told you about her is more than likely greatly exaggerated and put him in the best possible light? He's acting like a victim. You believe all that he's said about her, their life, their issues yet the above that he would defend her just shows you he is where he wants to be. He wasn't forced or manipulated.

 

I'm sure they have an unhealthy dynamic, and each of them are addicted to it. That's why their marriage isn't over. They love each other and whatever they are doing is working for them.

 

Focus on your life. He isn't your problem, so don't lose any sleep over what happens or doesn't happen with him and his wife, their money issues or house. They broke it, they can fix it.

[The Way I Am]

I wouldn't believe anything he says including that he's now about to lose his house. Might be true, but when somebody has a history of lying to you, it's safer to assume everything they say is a lie until proven otherwise. He could be making up the whole story with the house in order to reel you back in.

 

True or not, he's not looking for genuine support. He's looking for an excuse to contact you, which he has no business doing while he's still married. It's really unfair to you that he did that.

 

Kudos for not taking the bait. Stay strong.

[Trimmer]

Update...im proud of myself for letting this go and for not allowing myself to try and rescue him or offer positive or angry advice.

 

Inwardly I can see that I haven't completely let go, as this relationship will always be a freshly healed wound for me, but outwardly I am carrying myself like a woman who has mastered the art of detachment and wisdom.

The ultimate demonstration of detachment and wisdom would be not to have answered him in any way at all.

 

When you realize that responding to him in any fashion just keeps you connected to him, then you will have reached wisdom. When you don't even WANT to respond to him, then you will have reached detachment.