kiwildr Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 (edited) Well a lot of you have read my previous posts of where my online LDR, meeting in person did not go to plan. The outcome being he did not want a LDR,with me and we decided to part as friends. Of course I felt hurt and have just spent the last week trying to process my feelings and deal with the reality of the outcome, but I do understand you can't make someone feel something for you if they don't once they meet you in person and am learning to respect that is how it is and would rather have a great friend as we had a lot in common. I have a lot of male friends and as I spend a bit of time in the US with work it only makes sense to stay in touch. I am a pretty outgoing, bubbly person, so would never want to make anyone feel awkward or uncomfortable , so of course when this all happened I saw no point in making it anymore awkward and said I understood ( even though at the time i didn't understand what had happened until I had time to process) and know you can't have feelings for someone if you don't but i would also hate to lose a good friend etc...which he said he felt the same way as we both enjoyed one another's company and have a lot of fun. My question is how do I know if he wants to stay friends or is it a knee jerk reaction to just say it at the time to avoid any confrontation or do I just give up on that as well. I mean so far I have read everything he was saying to me prior to us meeting wrong. The day I left the US we constantly chatted via text right until my plane departed, he contacted me when I got home, then I have sent the odd funny joke etc..with me last contacting him by text on the weekend to which he replied 30 mins later, admittedly our messages are a lot shorter. I don't want to overstep the mark either as we have gone from an online romantic LDR of constant contact day and night messages every day, to now being friends so the tone is very different.I mean how much is too much to email or message a week just as friends I don't want to get burnt again in the sense of giving as a friend either, and also don't want to be in his face while he tries to get on and meet other people to. I feel I might be too needy and I don't want that either....and have tried to back off from initiating contact in the last few days, any suggestions as I want to also protect myself. Edited July 2, 2013 by kiwildr
HeavenOrHell Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 No, you didn't read it wrong, he meant it I'm sure, he just wasn't feeling it in real life. I'm not sure I could have stayed friends with my partner if I'd had feelings for him when we met and he didn't. I mean so far I have read everything he was saying to me prior to us meeting wrong. 1
LittleTiger Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 My question is how do I know if he wants to stay friends or is it a knee jerk reaction to just say it at the time to avoid any confrontation or do I just give up on that as well. I mean so far I have read everything he was saying to me prior to us meeting wrong. Have you made a definite decision on whether remaining friends is the right thing for you? Friendship should always be a two way street. If you do want to stay friends, and you're worried about forcing the issue, just let him lead. If he gets in touch, respond as you would to any other friend. If you don't hear from him for a couple of weeks, just send him a friendly 'hello' message and see how he responds. If you're not already sure if it's a genuine friendship, time will tell. I don't think you have read anything wrong in the past - unless he turned out to be someone very different IRL from the person you knew online. From your posts, that's not the impression I got. If he was affectionate and maybe slightly sexual before you met, it's because he was hoping the relationship would develop. Your only mistake in all this was not discussing the possibility, before you met, of being just friends. When you met and the chemistry wasn't there, he had no choice but to change his behaviour and response to you. Can you imagine how confused you would have been if he'd played along and pretended to be 'in love', only to drop you like a hot potato as soon as you went your separate ways. I think he's much too decent a guy to do that. I can't speak for others but my best friendships (with friends who live a distance from me) are all managed in a very relaxed way. Sometimes we'll text or email several times over the space of a few days; sometimes we won't contact each other for weeks, or even months. I have a couple of good friends I only speak to once a year. I think you need to just allow this friendship to find it's own level. 2
AJinlove Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 I agree with LT .. each friendship has its own pace ... however, normally you are not talking every day, not even every week to most of your friends; unless you have an activity in common such as an online game (if LD) or play a sport together if you live close. My idea is that if you will keep constant/daily contact with him for long periods of times, it will not be a healthy friendship in your case, and it will only confused/hurt you more. So, yes, letting him lead this friendship and seeing where it goes is good advise. 1
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