How did your WS react when found out?

[Queen of Sheba]

How did you WS react when confronted with the fact you knew and did it make any difference to whether you stayed or kicked them out? Mine broke down. He had finished it which is why she told me. Told me it meant nothing it was only for sex (which I believe but so what!) cried lots and said he wanted to kill himself. It was actually hard seeing him like that but I did think what a damn selfish attitude!

[underwater2010]

At first he replied with he did not cheat. He never touched her. That was until I asked how he would feel if I had chatted with some other man that way. Then the light bulb went on. We both cried and talked a ton. A year out we can talk without arguing and/or tears. But I still have a hard time every once and awhile.

[waterwoman]

When I started to worry because of rumours that were flying around he denied that anything was happening. Two days later when I found some dodgy texts, minimising, denial, hugs, reassurances. Then 12 hours later cold politeness, informed me that our marriage hadn't been good for 10 years (since ds2 was born) and that he didn't know what he wanted to happen. Then next morning very gentle and supportive but still insisting he didn't know what he wanted - came home from work in the middle of the day to say he was sorry, he wanted to stay with me. I was still utterly confused at this point. Next evening we had a long talk in which he admitted he loved his OW and had been having an affair, but that he loved me more, couldn't face losing me, that it was over with her and that he wanted to fix things. Then the f**king rollercoaster started and tbh if I had known how hard this would be I'm not sure I wouldn't have kicked him out of the door at the moment I found those texts. I will categorically say I WILL NEVER DO THIS AGAIN. Infidelity of any kind will be an instant dealbreaker - this is all too much like hard work.

[golem1972]

Denial. Lies. Minimizing. More lies. Trickle truth and shock as it became apparent how much I knew. Sorrow. Self pity.

 

And of course: ...meant nothing...

I'll let Jack sum up my feelings on that.

Will Randall:*You think that makes it better? To betray me over and over again with a man that ment nothing to you? To know you betrayed me for nothing.

 

Sorry. I'm still in and out of the angry phase.

[dichotomy]

In response to EA and other bad stuff:

 

At first - "It was not that bad or wrong, in fact there was some good about it, but I will stop it because you demand it"

 

Much Later (after first round therapy) - "I was unhealthy, he was using me, I have changed and grown up, and would never do such a thing again"

 

Now in second round of therapy.

[krazikat]

He was already in bed asleep when I heard his phone going off over and over in the closet. So I answered it. His secret affair phone...

 

After a horrible conversation with his ow, I woke him up and comfronted. He denied it...all this I love you crap...I told him the gig was up, I talked to his little girlfriend...and he realized he was busted.

 

He couldnt eat and barely slept for days after...he was sick. He didnt minimize the relationship, he came clean. He had already ended things with her when I found out, but she had lied to me. The text messages between them from before I found out supported his story. He went nc and changed his real phone number, the ow called and texted over and over saying they would never be over, so he took the initiative to change the number. I wanted a D initially...but he has shown me that he is dedicated to me and shows me his love every day.

 

This experience has been horrible, and I never want to go thru it again. He knows that if he cheats again, I am walking, end of story.

[Spark1111]

he alternated between arrogant, angry, self-entitlement, to some noble Knight in Shining Armor helping this dramatic damsel in distress, to abject depression.....suicidal almost, and complete remorse and abject shame.

 

Sounds like an addict withdrawing from a major narcotic, doesn't it? Well, it is. The brain chemistry is exactly the same; addicted, stupid, poor judgement, delusional rationalizations, blaming, angry, then depressed. Great highs and then great lows.....balanced only by another chemical fix of AP. Then the cycle starts again.

 

hence, the thousands of texts and emails and cell phone calls. And the inability to truly judge the character, personality or integrity of the AP or themselves.

 

DDay, and consequent exposure is the same as finding the crack-cocaine addict stealing Grandma's jewelry and everyone finds out about it. Reality and consequences succeed in bursting the constant high affair bubble. he's in lust...she's in love. That's the result of chemical limerance differences between men and women.

 

And the reactions are the same as taking their drug away and making them go to rehab: Anger, blame, sadness, then remorse, guilt and withdrawal.

 

I wanted to divorce, but I waited it out. There was much I did NOT KNOW about affairs. It's how I wound up at LS. And I read him many a post to educate him that addiction is not love. it's chemistry.

 

initially I too felt sorry for his OW because I too believed she was lied to and loved him.

 

But keep reading QOS.....on some level she WANTED to be lied to, needed to believe the lies, needed to best you in the triangle, be chosen, be better than you.

 

The triangle is a sick dynamic. it's about empowerment borne of insecurity and low self-esteem.

 

The only TRUE victim is the unsuspecting BS.

 

Do NOT waste your empathy on anyone other than yourself.

[underpants]

Forum Lurker, I can tell for your response that you have never truly loved anyone..yes, he was wrong and deserved every minute of the pain he was in, but wishing death on someone is pretty cold don't you think? Please, no of the BS that betrayal is cold, I know that and we are working through it, but death is not an answer, nor should it be.

 

I know this is not directed at me. However, I did laugh when I read her response. Why?

 

My very first love, whom I loved very much tried the ole' "I'll kill myself" manipulation tactic when caught. I didn't want that on my hands so I took him back, only to be cheated on again and again afterward until I just grew up and got the heck out and moved away.

 

I did not get the wish death vibe, as much as a call someone out on their b/s vibe.

[underpants]

Underpants, I hardly feel called out and I am so far from a teen with their first heartbreak, however, I do appreciate that you like to laugh at the pain of others. My guess is that you are a BS as is forum lurker that was not given the chance to reconcile because the love was not strong enough to even give it a try OR you are an OW that got dumped...only those two scenarios would explain the disgusting attitude...

 

Oh, no. My intention was not to call out anyone.

 

Not laughing at the pain of others at all, but a real disdain for manipulative tactics that some teens turned very mature ...i.e older adults seem to never grow out of. Thats all.

 

I'm sorry if you are in pain and somehow I've struck a nerve.

 

My apologies.

[Spark1111]

Underpants, I hardly feel called out and I am so far from a teen with their first heartbreak, however, I do appreciate that you like to laugh at the pain of others. My guess is that you are a BS as is forum lurker that was not given the chance to reconcile because the love was not strong enough to even give it a try OR you are an OW that got dumped...only those two scenarios would explain the disgusting attitude...

 

 

I think there is a distinction to be made here between those truly in pain and genuinely suicidal and those who use it as a ploy to manipulate and control others.

 

The former deserve all our empathy and intervention: The latter are often among the personality, Cluster B, disorders.

 

depending on what you personally have experience in your life is how you may view those threatening suicide.

 

Sorry for the t/j.

[Queen of Sheba]

Interesting reactions, thank you. The threatening suicide, I don't know if it was real, I did think it at the time and it only lasted a couple of days. It just made me more angry that on top of finding out about the affair he couldn't stop being selfish even then!

 

I do wish I had taken the opportunity to slap him bloody hard round the face. I would have enjoyed that on many levels, but the chance has gone now!

 

Did your WS's reactions help you decide on future course at all?

[Spark1111]

Not initially. I had no energy left to fix him as I was too busy trying to get myself on an even keel.

 

I waited a long time before making any decision regarding us.

 

He had to have consistant supportive action over time to regain my trust. Even then I still remained ambivalent.

 

And I decided I was ok about it. And told him I was unsure. And did not sit on my emotions at all. he had to have the courage to help me heal. That included having a front row seat while I boarded the crazy train for quite awhile.

[underwater2010]

Interesting reactions, thank you. The threatening suicide, I don't know if it was real, I did think it at the time and it only lasted a couple of days. It just made me more angry that on top of finding out about the affair he couldn't stop being selfish even then!

 

I do wish I had taken the opportunity to slap him bloody hard round the face. I would have enjoyed that on many levels, but the chance has gone now!

 

Did your WS's reactions help you decide on future course at all?

Yes....his realization of his betrayal is the only reason we are working on our marriage. Without guilt and remorse there is no way a marriage can survive.

[seren]

I found out when H told me, TBH his initial reaction was relief that he had told me, then fear that I would walk out. Over the days following D day I was processing all he had told me and trying to make sense of something that made absolutely no sense at all. He still struggles with what he did and that is almost 6 years ago now, he hates the he that he was then, I just hate the A.

 

H worked dammed hard to sort himself out after the A, he went to Combat Stress counselling, which is no walk in the park, especially given all that he had gone through. We worked on us and what had led to us drifting before the A took place. It has been a harder road for H, he still has anxiety attacks when he talks about that time, I just reassure him that he is a good man and that an 8 month A does not define him, me or what we have.

[Queen of Sheba]

My WS says he loves me, meant nothing etc etc. But finds my mood swings as it were difficult. He doesn't like the questions, particularly if I ask something and then it shows that he lied about something previously. I get told that I'm forcing him to say something that I use against him, not sorry I got found out lying yet again. Can't cope with me getting angry says he has to defend himself it's natural. I say nothing about his behaviour is defensible so why?! I point out for the millionth time that he said he was going to try harder to not get angry back and not to dismiss my feelings and I just get told again that he will try harder. It was unimportant to him so I should just forget it. If only huh?! Can't forget how unimportant his family were to him whilst he was doing all this! This common reaction in WSs? Long old road this reconcilitaion thing isn't it?

[ladydesigner]

I will categorically say I WILL NEVER DO THIS AGAIN. Infidelity of any kind will be an instant dealbreaker - this is all too much like hard work.

 

Amen to that Waterwoman!

 

When I confronted it was by waking him with his iphone to the head (I threw it at him and told him to get out). He knew I read the texts. He was the one panicking, telling me he does not love her. He still broke NC 4 times after DDay and gave me TT (trickle-truth) until I found out the real truth (I was able to retrieve the deleted texts from his phone).

 

Like Waterwoman said, I will not be reconciling ever again in the future, I may not make it as it is. I decide that I want to stay married to WH each and every day. I don't plan for the future anymore.

[ladydesigner]

My WS says he loves me, meant nothing etc etc. But finds my mood swings as it were difficult. He doesn't like the questions, particularly if I ask something and then it shows that he lied about something previously. I get told that I'm forcing him to say something that I use against him, not sorry I got found out lying yet again. Can't cope with me getting angry says he has to defend himself it's natural. I say nothing about his behaviour is defensible so why?! I point out for the millionth time that he said he was going to try harder to not get angry back and not to dismiss my feelings and I just get told again that he will try harder. It was unimportant to him so I should just forget it. If only huh?! Can't forget how unimportant his family were to him whilst he was doing all this! This common reaction in WSs? Long old road this reconcilitaion thing isn't it?

 

It's because he is feeling regret and not remorse. He is more concerned with how YOUR reactions and feelings affect HIM and not concerned with how this is affecting YOU.

 

He's defensive because he doesn't want to look like the bad guy and doesn't want to own his choice to have an A. Don't let him blame you for any of it either. That is called blameshifting. Problems in the marriage are 50/50 but the WS has to own the A 100%. You did not make him have an A. Your WH needs to figure out why he had an A. it is usually a selfish choice and most likely used as a coping mechanism.

 

I suggest therapy and reading books. One book that really opened my WH's eyes to what he did was "How to Help your Spouse Heal After Your Affair" and also "Not Just Friends"

[Queen of Sheba]

Your WH needs to figure out why he had an A. it is usually a selfish choice and most likely used as a coping mechanism.

 

 

We know why he did it. I had no desire, so sex was mechanical. I was working on it but that wasn't good enough for him. He had to find out what "normal" sex was like. Despite a ridulous amount of hours spent on her for only a few times of sex he ironically he didn't get answers to his questions other than he wanted to make love with me "normally". I can understand why he did it. I refuse to take any blame though! What he did was 100% wrong, the betrayal the lies, the putting her/sex above all else, the risks the way he treated me in this time (we think all this was tied up with depression).

 

So he thinks I should just be able to put it away as unimportant and forget about it. All my questions are unimportant, stop feelingt his way etc. If only it was that easy eh?!

 

He even comes out with stop reading stuff on the internet and going on forums because I am different, I can handle it a different way. Even the counsellor said that, but I have yet to see anyone anywhere who has been betrayed for any reason for any length of time just be able to cut it all out and heal quickly! Anyone?!

[dichotomy]

 

Did your WS's reactions help you decide on future course at all?

 

 

The willingness to accept NC, was the bottom line to remain married at that time (obviously).

 

However the lack of remorse and perspective on what a healthy love and marriage (and sex) is .... required me to set a course to lead her through much therapy and counseling and learning that continues to this day. Frankly its been exhausting to do so, but I have seen some changes in her and me. I sometimes wish I had married a fully formed healthy adult ...but then I was not either.

[Confused48]

My WS was caught by having text come in from AP after WS fell asleep I replied to AP letting AP think it was WS. It was clear that WS had ended it but what a shock to find out an A had happend. I woke WS. WS started with lies minimizing and TT. Also sick with grief for self and great shame. Days on end laying in fetal position. Fake expression of regret to me. Real fear I would leave. Roller coaster for 8 or 10 months. Last few have been far better. Real remorse by WS I still don't know if I will stay. I'm not ready to say for sure. On dday I did feel WS feared I would leave and did not want that. It made me willing to give my decision some time.

 

QoS have you read the post pinned at the top called - What every WS needs to know. You should.

[Queen of Sheba]

My WS was caught by having text come in from AP after WS fell asleep I replied to AP letting AP think it was WS. It was clear that WS had ended it but what a shock to find out an A had happend. I woke WS. WS started with lies minimizing and TT. Also sick with grief for self and great shame. Days on end laying in fetal position. Fake expression of regret to me. Real fear I would leave. Roller coaster for 8 or 10 months. Last few have been far better. Real remorse by WS I still don't know if I will stay. I'm not ready to say for sure. On dday I did feel WS feared I would leave and did not want that. It made me willing to give my decision some time.

 

QoS have you read the post pinned at the top called - What every WS needs to know. You should.

 

What is TT?

Not done the threat to leave. Have thought it and if it weren't for our son would have said it right from the start. That doesn't mean I'm staying for our son, it means I'm prepared to work on it for our son.

 

Yes I read it and printed it off and gave it to WS! Thought it was excellent until the counsellor said doing such things was unhelpful, we are unique we could be different etc. She's bloody good and there is no way we would still be here together 2 months on if it weren't for her but damn that wasn't helpful!

[krazikat]

We know why he did it. I had no desire, so sex was mechanical. I was working on it but that wasn't good enough for him. He had to find out what "normal" sex was like. Despite a ridulous amount of hours spent on her for only a few times of sex he ironically he didn't get answers to his questions other than he wanted to make love with me "normally". I can understand why he did it. I refuse to take any blame though! What he did was 100% wrong, the betrayal the lies, the putting her/sex above all else, the risks the way he treated me in this time (we think all this was tied up with depression).

 

So he thinks I should just be able to put it away as unimportant and forget about it. All my questions are unimportant, stop feelingt his way etc. If only it was that easy eh?!

 

He even comes out with stop reading stuff on the internet and going on forums because I am different, I can handle it a different way. Even the counsellor said that, but I have yet to see anyone anywhere who has been betrayed for any reason for any length of time just be able to cut it all out and heal quickly! Anyone?!

 

No, you have to be able to mourn the betrayal in a way that helps you heal, there is no time frame.

 

I have stopped talking about it with my husband...probably about 2 or so months ago. I found that the talks were making me trigger and I already knew what I knew, what I needed to know. Things have been better for me since then, and I have noticed my husband is more at ease, too. I still read books, read forums, etc. as this helps me.

 

What I am fighting is myself...the guilt I feel for things I did long ago that contributed to the issues in our marriage. My husband has never blamed me for his affair, quite.the opposite, but I am struggling most with my own history right now. So for me, it is this sadness that touches me everyday.

 

So sorry you are here, and going thru this pain. It sucks! Of you and your husband together commit to recovery, then things will get better, the pain will lessen. But it has to be together.

[krazikat]

What is TT?

Not done the threat to leave. Have thought it and if it weren't for our son would have said it right from the start. That doesn't mean I'm staying for our son, it means I'm prepared to work on it for our son.

 

Yes I read it and printed it off and gave it to WS! Thought it was excellent until the counsellor said doing such things was unhelpful, we are unique we could be different etc. She's bloody good and there is no way we would still be here together 2 months on if it weren't for her but damn that wasn't helpful!

 

Oh, and TT is trickle truth...

[Confused48]

Not done the threat to leave. Have thought it

 

If you have thought it, chances are he knows it. But you should tell him to be sure. Not as a threat. Not to be cruel. But to be honest. He deserves to know where you stand. It won't help you to recover or your reconciliation to hide your feelings.

 

 

and if it weren't for our son would have said it right from the start. That doesn't mean I'm staying for our son, it means I'm prepared to work on it for our son.

 

I understand this. I'm not staying for my kids but they sure do add an incentive. If it were best for me to leave I would do it in a second. I know if it was not good for me to stay then it would not be good for them to see that. But I'm willing to try harder to make it good for me bc of them.

 

Yes I read it and printed it off and gave it to WS! Thought it was excellent until the counsellor said doing such things was unhelpful, we are unique we could be different etc. She's bloody good and there is no way we would still be here together 2 months on if it weren't for her but damn that wasn't helpful!

 

Personally I'd find a new counselor if I heard that. Sounds really bad. But if you think she is good and it is helping then that is what is important.

[Woggle]

She blamed me for it and then told me that the marriage was over and moved into her friend's house.