Pierre Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 You cited vanilla web sites with mindless info. I was expecting peer reviewed refereed articles. But, it does not matter how long. The point is that divorce takes time, it is not instant, and may be complicated. OTOH, ending the relationship with OW can be done in an instant with a phone call or just a text.
jnel921 Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 honestly..... i seriously don't know why someone would put-up with a cheater, be it a BS or an unbeknownst AP. they are no prize, so WTF?! people go on about a "new" marriage after the fact, but to me a new marriage(relationship) consists of a new person involved. why would you want a retread with the same person who betrayed you. it just doesn't make sense to me. the term "been there, done that" comes to mind. Artie, I am not sure if you got burned really bad and that's why you feel the way you do about all WS here. You don't believe anything they say and the posts about "new" beginnings are very real. it's a shame that you don't understand that. I've been in the situation twice. the first time is discouraging as it is hard to trust again. I did the necessary work on myself to heal from my divorce from my first marriage. I married again but my first M was not the gage for my second. I didn't go into this second M thinking he would cheat on me too. Unfortunately After 10 years my current H cheated and it devastated our marriage when it happened. The situation was different and my H response to it all was different. I was hurt but I already knew what my options were and still are. it is a work in progress. He knew I deserved better and that it was selfish behavior. He understood the hurt and cries every time he thinks about how he could be living this life without me and the kids and my family. So the responsibility was on him to do the work and make some changes. He has. I believe you can renew your relationship. The same way people reinvent themselves and change themselves to achieve personal goals like, losing weight, wealth and education. You have to do the work to yield results. We all can't believe that if we find ourselves dealing with A within our marriage, the next step is to run. Especially if there are different variables going on within the marriage. Everyone regardless of who you are deserves better, but actions you take will determine whether you will have that. 2
Got it Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 You cited vanilla web sites with mindless info. I was expecting peer reviewed refereed articles. But, it does not matter how long. The point is that divorce takes time, it is not instant, and may be complicated. OTOH, ending the relationship with OW can be done in an instant with a phone call or just a text. Okay, so post your peer reviewed reference articles. What does take time mean? What does not instant mean? You are saying 2-5 years. I want to see where you got that information. Ending a marriage can be done very quickly. Ending any relationship can be done quickly. But nice strawmen.
Pierre Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 Okay, so post your peer reviewed reference articles. What does take time mean? What does not instant mean? You are saying 2-5 years. I want to see where you got that information. Ending a marriage can be done very quickly. Ending any relationship can be done quickly. But nice strawmen. The length time to make a divorce final is highly variable. There is no point in debating how long it takes. To try to come up with a specific number means nothing. The philosophical point is that ending a long term marriage can be a lengthy complicated process or at best may take 6-12 months. OTOH ending an EMR is much less complicated and requires nothing more than a text or a phone call. I hope this helps:cool:
Got it Posted July 4, 2013 Posted July 4, 2013 The length time to make a divorce final is highly variable. There is no point in debating how long it takes. To try to come up with a specific number means nothing. The philosophical point is that ending a long term marriage can be a lengthy complicated process or at best may take 6-12 months. OTOH ending an EMR is much less complicated and requires nothing more than a text or a phone call. I hope this helps:cool: Sure! It is completely different than what you originally posted. Pretty much what I expected. I agree, no point in debating it and no basis for the original statement that it takes 2-5 years to divorce. That is not an truthful statement or not one based on anything outside of the mind of Pierre. Ending a marriage takes however long it takes, it can be within months after the discovery of an affair, it can be years after for aggregated reasons. It is a common belief, advice, that one should try and wait a year after the discover of an affair to make a decision as one is not in an emotional spot to make a pragmatic decision. Also why so many states have a year "cooling" off period for all marriages to give both parties time to think through their decision before it is official.
Journee Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 Well of course I deserved better... But you know what? There were times that my H deserved better behavior from me as well. I have hurt and damaged our R. I have disrespected our R in ways. So has he. This lead to our separation. I think that every situation is different. I think it's hard to say what someone will do in any given situation. I am not sure what I would do if he and I were living together at the time of the A. If he and I shared a marital bed. If I was under the impression that everything was fine. I'm not sure where I would be. Just as I'm sure other BS's would be faced with a different set of feelings if they were in my shoes ,pregnant and separated yet trying to reconnect. I was not the easiest woman to love and he effed up and I effed up but we loved one another despite ourselves. We both have deserved better but at the end of the day... he is who I want and I am who he wants without a doubt. It would had been easier to give up. We were already separated. Already had child care worked out. Already living in different zip codes. We chose the rough road. Not all reconciliations are due to being lazy or not caring. It isn't right for an A to take place. There are two people in a marriage not three or four so in order for the M to survive the couple has to get back to the basics. I am sure most BS are bothered by infidelity as they often times love their wayward. I don't think that I have seen anything on here that expresses and expectation of the BS to stick around. ...but honestly IMO it makes more sense for the AP to be with a single person. Why wouldn't they? MP are not available for relationships and I'm not sure why that is hard to understand (in general OP not directed to you hon) I actually see the opposite where it almost gets on AP's nerves that a BS will not be the one to pull the trigger. If anytime is a great time to break away it is DDay. IF MP is so miserable DDAy would give them the opportunity to flee. Put all the cards on the table. Even through the muck and mire I believe I am loved. H didn't choose the path of least resistance when he chose to R with me. He chose what was real and steadfast. I believe he loves me even though his actions have not always been loving. Neither have mine. I am ashamed of my behavior during different periods of our M. He has been in my life for ten years this August. Since we were teenagers. We both had/have a lot of growing up to do. If one thinks that people do not evolve and grow and learn during a long term stretch that is on them. Some people grow apart. I am hoping that H and I continue to intertwine as we grow. From teens to going on 30 now. So many lessons learned. I think for me it comes down to the same reason I see OW/OM continuing in affairs. I continue/he continues in this relationship because of love. It boils down to love. Not money, property ,status quo...love ..love...love 3
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