Sarabi Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 Hello I wondered if you could help me understand something or discuss your feelings on it? Ok. So. Many times a person seeing one who is married or already attached is told that they deserve so much more or deserve better. They should improve their self esteem and deserve a single guy/girl who is willing to show them the love they deserve & be there for them 100% etc. Ok...so my confusion comes from understanding the BS. Surely they deserve better as well? Why does no one say as much about how the BS deserves better? why does no one tell you that you also deserve someone who loves and respects you and will treat you well? I have seen that they do but not as much. It seems pretty rough to me that people will say, as a single person, "go out and find another single person"...but as a BS you are expected to stay? A married man hurt, disrespected & fooled me and his wife...but I am the one being told to forget about this rubbish guy because there will be better out there...whereas the wife is expected to stay. Is it the "for better for worse thing"? Or is no one bothered..? Or when we think along the lines of how a BS deserves better...is it better behaviour from your spouse that is expected? Ok I hope you understand what I am trying to ask...which is basically if an OW/OM deserves better in the form of a single man/woman...where does the BS deserve better from? If it is not right for an OW/OM to stay with a MM/MW then why is it ok for the BS to stay with the same person-someone who has hurt/disrespected/potentially damaged their relationship? I am not a "married" as you well know and my post is not intended to inflame/incite/upset anyone so please don't chase me away...I am merely a lioness who is more like a big pussy cat lol 4
Snowflower Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 (edited) Oh Sarabi, you are one of the nicest posters here who posts from the OW standpoint! You ask very good questions and I can see why it appears that way here. I do think many times BS, particularly BW, are encouraged to try to stay in the marriage after their husbands cheat. Sure, if the BW decides to divorce his cheating a** immediately after d-day, then she will get plenty of support for that. But many/most BW will try to initially reconcile and I do see a lot of encouragement here for her to do that. BH, on the other hand, are almost always advised to dump their cheating wife immediately. Speaking from my own experience, part of the reason I stayed with my husband besides the fact that I still loved him was the fact that I chose to stay with "the devil I know." Staying with my H, I knew him well enough that I could see him grow and learn from his poor choices. With a new person, that would remain an unknown quantity simply because I don't know them as well. Plus, many people learn from their mistakes which also made my H a safer bet. You see, BS are also told that they can find someone much better who would theoretically never cheat on them.I always laugh when I read that here because obviously there are no guarantees. Most BS married our future WS with the assumption/hope/faith that they would never cheat on us. At least for me, what makes me think that some other guy wouldn't do the same thing? Anyway, I'm not sure if this answers your question. But I don't think there is anything wrong with advising a BS to stay and try to work things out if all the following conditions apply: 1. Their WS has stopped the affair and cut all contact with the AP. 2. The BS still loves their WS and wants to try. 3. The WS is willing to put in 100+% to reconcile. Of course, all BS deserve someone who doesn't cheat on them. Edited July 2, 2013 by Snowflower 7
Got it Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 Hello I wondered if you could help me understand something or discuss your feelings on it? Ok. So. Many times a person seeing one who is married or already attached is told that they deserve so much more or deserve better. They should improve their self esteem and deserve a single guy/girl who is willing to show them the love they deserve & be there for them 100% etc. Ok...so my confusion comes from understanding the BS. Surely they deserve better as well? Why does no one say as much about how the BS deserves better? why does no one tell you that you also deserve someone who loves and respects you and will treat you well? I have seen that they do but not as much. It seems pretty rough to me that people will say, as a single person, "go out and find another single person"...but as a BS you are expected to stay? A married man hurt, disrespected & fooled me and his wife...but I am the one being told to forget about this rubbish guy because there will be better out there...whereas the wife is expected to stay. Is it the "for better for worse thing"? Or is no one bothered..? Or when we think along the lines of how a BS deserves better...is it better behaviour from your spouse that is expected? Ok I hope you understand what I am trying to ask...which is basically if an OW/OM deserves better in the form of a single man/woman...where does the BS deserve better from? If it is not right for an OW/OM to stay with a MM/MW then why is it ok for the BS to stay with the same person-someone who has hurt/disrespected/potentially damaged their relationship? I am not a "married" as you well know and my post is not intended to inflame/incite/upset anyone so please don't chase me away...I am merely a lioness who is more like a big pussy cat lol I am confused on who says a BS doesn't deserve better? I have never seen anyone advised that they need to stay in a loveless abusive relationship. I think most/all advocate that they deserve a spouse that either treats them right and does everything they can to fix past wrongs and or to move on to a new life single. 2
Pierre Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 Hello I wondered if you could help me understand something or discuss your feelings on it? Ok. So. Many times a person seeing one who is married or already attached is told that they deserve so much more or deserve better. They should improve their self esteem and deserve a single guy/girl who is willing to show them the love they deserve & be there for them 100% etc. Ok...so my confusion comes from understanding the BS. Surely they deserve better as well? Why does no one say as much about how the BS deserves better? why does no one tell you that you also deserve someone who loves and respects you and will treat you well? I have seen that they do but not as much. It seems pretty rough to me that people will say, as a single person, "go out and find another single person"...but as a BS you are expected to stay? A married man hurt, disrespected & fooled me and his wife...but I am the one being told to forget about this rubbish guy because there will be better out there...whereas the wife is expected to stay. Is it the "for better for worse thing"? Or is no one bothered..? Or when we think along the lines of how a BS deserves better...is it better behaviour from your spouse that is expected? Ok I hope you understand what I am trying to ask...which is basically if an OW/OM deserves better in the form of a single man/woman...where does the BS deserve better from? If it is not right for an OW/OM to stay with a MM/MW then why is it ok for the BS to stay with the same person-someone who has hurt/disrespected/potentially damaged their relationship? I am not a "married" as you well know and my post is not intended to inflame/incite/upset anyone so please don't chase me away...I am merely a lioness who is more like a big pussy cat lol OWs are generally very irritated when the BW does not dump the MM right away after d-day. Here is my take: If the BW is going to divorce the MM it will take from 2-5 years. This decision is not made the instant after d-day. It takes a very long time for the BW to process all the NEW info. To that you can add family, kids, properties, retirement plans, etc. The only time a BW should attempt reconciliation is when the MM is full of remorse and willing to rebuild the marriage. 2
Got it Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 OWs are generally very irritated when the BW does not dump the MM right away after d-day. Here is my take: If the BW is going to divorce the MM it will take from 2-5 years. This decision is not made the instant after d-day. It takes a very long time for the BW to process all the NEW info. To that you can add family, kids, properties, retirement plans, etc. The only time a BW should attempt reconciliation is when the MM is full of remorse and willing to rebuild the marriage. No, reconciliation, healing takes 2-5 years. Many divorce decisions are made in a less than a 2 year period and this would not be considered an instant.
Pierre Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 No, reconciliation, healing takes 2-5 years. Many divorce decisions are made in a less than a 2 year period and this would not be considered an instant. Can you cite your sources?
Sooverhim Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 Well I think the best people to answer this question are probably the BSs. I am the XMW/XWW, my H didn't know of the A, his W didn't know of the A. Yes, his W and my H do deserve better, the deserve not to be lied to, deceived and betrayed. But, his W and my H are happy, they want to be married to us, they don't know what we did so I don't know if that would be the case if they knew what had gone on behind their backs. My XMM did tell me that he had asked his W if she would forgive him if she had an A and apparently (don't know if any of this is true) she said she would. I imagine that because she loves him and has a happy, strong, loving marriage with a wonderful family that she would forgive him. I think for a lot of BSs what they have with their partner is too good to give up for an A. I am pretty sure though if my H was to find about my A he could never forgive me and our M would be over. I do think a lot of OP are well aware of the fact that XMM will not be leaving their W for them, they know XMM loves his W and she loves him and that she is not going to destroy their M, her role in XMM's life is simply as an added bonus. I think realising that fact is the reason why a lot of As do come to an end, the OP eventually realises without any doubt that the A is a dead-end relationship. I think that BSs stay with WS because they want to, and WS stay with BS because they want to, because they love each other, have built a life together with home, family, friendship, companionship and have a life-long love:) 4
underwater2010 Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 Hello I wondered if you could help me understand something or discuss your feelings on it? Ok. So. Many times a person seeing one who is married or already attached is told that they deserve so much more or deserve better. They should improve their self esteem and deserve a single guy/girl who is willing to show them the love they deserve & be there for them 100% etc. Ok...so my confusion comes from understanding the BS. Surely they deserve better as well? Yes we do deserve better. But that is common known fact. We are not the one engaging in a relationship with person that is married. We are not deceiving ourselves or accepting the crumbs. We had the vows and commitment. An OW/MOW/OM/MOM does not have that and blinds themselves to the fact that it is possible to have it. (not all cases) Why does no one say as much about how the BS deserves better? I have heard it many times on this forum and others. why does no one tell you that you also deserve someone who loves and respects you and will treat you well? Again I have heard it many times and I KNOW that I deserve it. I also expect it after Dday. One little slip up and I am gone. I have seen that they do but not as much. It seems pretty rough to me that people will say, as a single person, "go out and find another single person"...but as a BS you are expected to stay? I am not expected to do anything. In fact it is amazing how much grief one will get for staying in the marriage. But there is such a thing as history and kids. Also, it can depend on the circumstances. How much deceit there truly was and how far things were taken. A married man hurt, disrespected & fooled me and his wife...but I am the one being told to forget about this rubbish guy because there will be better out there...whereas the wife is expected to stay. You are being told that because he is not "free" to be with you until he gets a divorce. It does not always have to do with the BS wanting to stay, but the WS not willing to piss or get off the pot. Is it the "for better for worse thing"? If it was a "for better or worse thing"....then the WS would not have cheated. Each BS has their reason for staying. I have stated mine in generalized terms. I cannot answer for your MOM's BW. Or is no one bothered..? Don't fool yourself into thinking no one is bothered. In fact there is another infidelity site that has a healing library. Do yourself and read the articles and postings of BS's trying to work on the marriage. You will see what devastation is brought to the BS by both the WS and their AP. Or when we think along the lines of how a BS deserves better...is it better behaviour from your spouse that is expected? You just hit the nail on the head. We expect better behavior. I expect to be flattered and treated special. But I do not ask for that without treating him well too. I expect him to keep his penis in his pants for anyone but me. I also expect better sex. I get mine and he gets his. We have gone through discussions on what we both need and want. If neither one is willing to provide that, then the door is wide open to leave. Ok I hope you understand what I am trying to ask...which is basically if an OW/OM deserves better in the form of a single man/woman...where does the BS deserve better from? The deserves better for the OW/OM is a person that is available to make a life with. How can you get that if you continue to have a relationship with someone that won't leave their marriage. A BS deserves better from both the WS and society. As in other people not screwing around with married people. Respect, character and faithfulness are all things that we expect from our spouse along with society. If it is not right for an OW/OM to stay with a MM/MW then why is it ok for the BS to stay with the same person-someone who has hurt/disrespected/potentially damaged their relationship? Because a MM/MW is not available for a single person. They cannot be available until they make themselves available.....divorce. And any person that accepts less than that is setting themselves up for the pain. Yes an AP can be hurt, but I don't really think you can consider yourself disrespected if you are KNOWINGLY carrying on a relationship with a married person. As for the BS, that is something we deal with on a case by case basis. And only something that they can decide for themselves. I am not a "married" as you well know and my post is not intended to inflame/incite/upset anyone so please don't chase me away...I am merely a lioness who is more like a big pussy cat lol I hope that I was able to give some clarity to you. If you have questions please ask away. 3
waterwoman Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 Its complicated IMO by the fact that in long relationships the BS did have 'better' for many many years. I did have a good marriage. He was always a good man. The fact that for 6 months or so he was behaving in a less than optimum manner doesn't quite negate the 30 years prior when he was. So my 'better' might just as easily be staying with the same man who improves, rather than kicking him into touch and trying to find someone else. So, yes, I deserve better than an unfaithful H, but I prefer to have the current one, just an improved version. 5
JustAReformedGirl Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 Ok. So. Many times a person seeing one who is married or already attached is told that they deserve so much more or deserve better. They should improve their self esteem and deserve a single guy/girl who is willing to show them the love they deserve & be there for them 100% etc. Ok...so my confusion comes from understanding the BS. Surely they deserve better as well? Of course the BS deserves better as well. Or they deserve to be able to decide for themselves, armed with the information, whether they want better for themselves, or not. It really depends on what the exact situation is, after all; if they WS is unrepentant, the BS certainly deserves better than just being a back-up plan. Why does no one say as much about how the BS deserves better? why does no one tell you that you also deserve someone who loves and respects you and will treat you well? I have seen that they do but not as much. I think it greatly depends on what part of the forum you're in. I've observed it to be about equal. It seems pretty rough to me that people will say, as a single person, "go out and find another single person"...but as a BS you are expected to stay? Nope, I wouldn't expect a BS to stay. I'd expect the BS to decide for themselves what they wish to do in their personal circumstance. A married man hurt, disrespected & fooled me and his wife...but I am the one being told to forget about this rubbish guy because there will be better out there...whereas the wife is expected to stay. Is it the "for better for worse thing"? Or is no one bothered..? You're told to seek better because you do deserve better. So does his wife, of course, and if she knows of what he's done and of what he is capable of, then she can make her own choice whether the marriage can be salvaged, or not.If she opts to stay, it probably does fit into the "for better or for worse" thought pattern. Or when we think along the lines of how a BS deserves better...is it better behaviour from your spouse that is expected? That greatly depends on the BS in question; what do they expect? Do they want to find someone better, or do they believe their WS is capable of being a better person? Ok I hope you understand what I am trying to ask...which is basically if an OW/OM deserves better in the form of a single man/woman...where does the BS deserve better from? If it is not right for an OW/OM to stay with a MM/MW then why is it ok for the BS to stay with the same person-someone who has hurt/disrespected/potentially damaged their relationship? I don't think it's so much about it being okay, but about the people in question deciding for themselves what they want, what they deserve. I am not a "married" as you well know and my post is not intended to inflame/incite/upset anyone so please don't chase me away...I am merely a lioness who is more like a big pussy cat lol No worries, Sarabi; I can see where you're coming from, here. 1
Got it Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 (edited) Can you cite your sources? Can you? http://www.goodtherapy.org/therapy-for-infidelity.html http://www.beyondaffairs.com/articles/How_Long_it_Takes_to_Heal_from_Affair.htm Edited July 2, 2013 by Got it 2
Pierre Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 Hello A married man hurt, disrespected & fooled me and his wife...but I am the one being told to forget about this rubbish guy because there will be better out there...whereas the wife is expected to stay. Oops, I finally saw your main question: It is not easy to dissolve a long term marriage with children, retirement, property, etc. Furthermore, the reason for the cheating must be examined. If the cheater never intended to leave the marriage and is remorseful the wife will likely work on the marriage. As for the OW: This relationship is much easier to end. It is that simple.
Ninja'sHusband Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 I disagree with the premise. I constantly see people telling BSs that they deserve better. I had the opposite struggle that you describe. I wanted to hold my marriage together. But, yeah I deserve better. Dunno if I'll ever get it, but...time....
Just a Guy Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 Hi Sarabi, To my mind the answer to your question is simple. The BS always deserves better and that is a given. There is no need to reiterate the obvious. However for the single OW/OM it does become necessary to state that they deserve better since they carry no baggage whereas the MM/MW does indeed have a lot of baggage with them. In fact there are a number of albatrosses around their neck if you get what I mean. For a single person there is no future in dating or seeing a MM/MW since they will never be able to commit to them. An affair for a MM/MW is just a fantasy being lived out in the real world and if their affair partner is a single person then it is the icing on the cake. They are getting the best of both worlds, one where they are living as singletons and another where they have a well settled married life with wife and kids to come home to. For the single person there is No future with such a person and therefore they are told to find another single person to begin a true relationship with. As far as the BS is concerned of course they deserve better. However, since they also carry the same baggage as the WS they have to weigh all the consequences of breaking up a usually well settled marriage with all the terrible upheaval that such a move would entail. If there children then the BS has to take that fact into consideration especially if the children are small. Also it may be easier for a man to walk out of a marriage but for a woman it becomes so much more difficult. If she is a stay at home wife then income will become her biggest concern especially if she is not qualified for any remunerative employment. Also if she is the principal care giver for her children then she will have to take into consideration ways and means to ensure her children have the necessary care and comfort that they were previously used to. A woman is always at a bit of a disadvantage as compared to a man and therefore she will think long and hard before she makes any decision. She certainly will not make a hasty decision unless she is harebrained. I do not know if this answers any of your concerns to a large extent but I hope it does to some extent. I have one more caveat that I would like to add. A single person should Never pursue a relationship knowingly with a married person because(a) the single person can expect only heartbreak from such a liaison and (b) the single person is going to be the cause of immense heart break to the family of the MM/WM a burden of guilt which will come back to bite that person in a rather sensitive part of his or her anatomy! Warm Wishes! 4
HopingAgain Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 Yes, better behavior is expected from the WS towards BS. They are expected to do everything they can to regain a place of honor in BS eyes. The reason APs are told they can do better is because they start out as someones dirty secret and being used by a WS who can't and won't give them a commitment, because they've already given the commitment to someone else. I would hope anyone would think they deserve more than that. 2
Artie Lang Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 honestly..... i seriously don't know why someone would put-up with a cheater, be it a BS or an unbeknownst AP. they are no prize, so WTF?! people go on about a "new" marriage after the fact, but to me a new marriage(relationship) consists of a new person involved. why would you want a retread with the same person who betrayed you. it just doesn't make sense to me. the term "been there, done that" comes to mind.
MissBee Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 Hello I wondered if you could help me understand something or discuss your feelings on it? Ok. So. Many times a person seeing one who is married or already attached is told that they deserve so much more or deserve better. They should improve their self esteem and deserve a single guy/girl who is willing to show them the love they deserve & be there for them 100% etc. Ok...so my confusion comes from understanding the BS. Surely they deserve better as well? Why does no one say as much about how the BS deserves better? why does no one tell you that you also deserve someone who loves and respects you and will treat you well? I have seen that they do but not as much. It seems pretty rough to me that people will say, as a single person, "go out and find another single person"...but as a BS you are expected to stay? A married man hurt, disrespected & fooled me and his wife...but I am the one being told to forget about this rubbish guy because there will be better out there...whereas the wife is expected to stay. Is it the "for better for worse thing"? Or is no one bothered..? Or when we think along the lines of how a BS deserves better...is it better behaviour from your spouse that is expected? Ok I hope you understand what I am trying to ask...which is basically if an OW/OM deserves better in the form of a single man/woman...where does the BS deserve better from? If it is not right for an OW/OM to stay with a MM/MW then why is it ok for the BS to stay with the same person-someone who has hurt/disrespected/potentially damaged their relationship? I am not a "married" as you well know and my post is not intended to inflame/incite/upset anyone so please don't chase me away...I am merely a lioness who is more like a big pussy cat lol I think these are good questions. I think most of the idea that OW should find someone else, is that, they came into the situation at a disadvantage, i.e. dating a man who already decided to love and spend their life with someone else. So it seems very obvious that the person who came on board after the fact (OW) is the one who is signing up for the least and putting themselves in most often a dead-end situation, where they will be second-place and a secret. A BS deserves better than a cheater; but, the thing is, a BS is often unaware of the cheating and is living their life and her friends, family, MM's friends and family and the kids and everyone acknowledges this relationship and it's not inherently a bad position. It's only when they realize they've been cheated on that they can make a choice about what to do. An OW already comes in with parameters, obstacles, being a secret, MM's kids, family, friends don't know they exist, they get to know their boyfriend goes home to his wife and have to live with being the secret who is aware of everything. That was one of the hardest parts as an OW for me: I knew I was second because she was living her life and didn't know about me, he was protecting her feelings, but I was the one who had to live with the knowledge of her existence and their relationship and had to be okay with sharing. She didn't have to be okay with sharing, because she didn't know. So in light of that....it seems logical that an OW has the knowledge, so she can choose better. I think if a MM is worth anything and wants to be with his OW in a legit relationship and leaves his marriage and stops stringing both women along, then nothing is wrong with the OW accepting him and working on a new open relationship. Likewise, I think if a BS finds out, he drops the OW and works towards repairing the marriage, nothing is wrong with forgiving and rebuilding. However, if you are a BS with a serial cheater or someone who is still seeing the OW and pretending then you deserve better. If you're an OW whose MM is still lying to his wife and you're still his secret gf or post dday you are in a deeper underground relationship, you deserve better. It's about authenticity and willingness to do the right thing. When most BSs reconcile this is a requirement...hence people don't tell them they deserve better, as if the MM is putting in the effort, people understand this. If an OW is still the secret OW it means the MM has not done the right thing and is still being inauthentic...so why would anyone advocate for her to continue with him? Do you see the difference? It lies in this person showing a willingness to change and do the right thing...if a BS accepts her WS who is showing no such willingness I'd tell her she deserves more (example: my mom and serial cheater dad smh), likewise if an OW is still the OW esp after a dday where he had a chance to come clean...she also deserves more and it is illogical to sign up for this. The wife signed up to be his wife and then things changed in secret...the OW signs up to be a mistress and a secret...hence, it makes more sense that one seems obviously signing up to be treated second place whereas a wife isn't signing up for that unless she finds out and requires no change and just keeps taking back a cheater or ignoring his behavior. 3
Author Sarabi Posted July 2, 2013 Author Posted July 2, 2013 Just back from work!!! Thanks for replies...I hope what I asked wasn't too confusing...am going to read all posts now
Author Sarabi Posted July 3, 2013 Author Posted July 3, 2013 Hello people Thank you very much for reading and responding to my random ramblings , you are all so amazing!!! I guess I wanted to hear it from the betrayed spouses' point of view because obviously I read the other forum a lot more and everyone is speaking to the OW/OM there...it just seemed as if no one was flying the flag to support the BS's much but obviously I stand corrected as many of you have pointed out that in this part or even other forums, there is support for those who have been betrayed. So I think you have helped me to see it as a mix of things depending on the situation but that mostly, it is up to the WS to change their behaviour(drop the AP/recommit fully)...otherwise I suppose, how can you truly move forward from it? thanks for helping me understand
2sure Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 I think OW is told by friends, family, anonymous posters that she should leave MM and she deserves better...either because they genuinely care about her well being or because they feel the A is wrong , period. A BS is usually told by the same people after DDay to leave the WS for the same reasons. But reconciliation is accepted by her supporters if BS chooses it. She has history, she has logistics . It's worth a try. OW choosing to carry on an affair is just not normally encouraged by her family, her friends, or here. 2
whichwayisup Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 Ok...so my confusion comes from understanding the BS. Surely they deserve better as well? Why does no one say as much about how the BS deserves better? why does no one tell you that you also deserve someone who loves and respects you and will treat you well? This is what I tell most BS's, people deserve second chances and if a BS feels their WS is worthy of a second chance (meaning, they are remorseful and willing to do all required to fix themselves and prove to be trustworthy again) why not? They've invested together in the marriage, have children and they both owe to one another, as well as the family unit as one to make it work, give it their best. If it doesn't work out and one or other or both feels unhappy and it's not getting bettre after trying to work it out, then a divorce should happen. I've been here a lot longer than you, and I can tell you, I have seen people tell a BS that they deserve better, to be with someone who respects and loves them, and won't cheat on them.
Goodbye Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 Oh Sarabi, you are one of the nicest posters here who posts from the OW standpoint! You ask very good questions and I can see why it appears that way here. I do think many times BS, particularly BW, are encouraged to try to stay in the marriage after their husbands cheat. Sure, if the BW decides to divorce his cheating a** immediately after d-day, then she will get plenty of support for that. But many/most BW will try to initially reconcile and I do see a lot of encouragement here for her to do that. BH, on the other hand, are almost always advised to dump their cheating wife immediately. Speaking from my own experience, part of the reason I stayed with my husband besides the fact that I still loved him was the fact that I chose to stay with "the devil I know." Staying with my H, I knew him well enough that I could see him grow and learn from his poor choices. With a new person, that would remain an unknown quantity simply because I don't know them as well. Plus, many people learn from their mistakes which also made my H a safer bet. You see, BS are also told that they can find someone much better who would theoretically never cheat on them.I always laugh when I read that here because obviously there are no guarantees. Most BS married our future WS with the assumption/hope/faith that they would never cheat on us. At least for me, what makes me think that some other guy wouldn't do the same thing? Anyway, I'm not sure if this answers your question. But I don't think there is anything wrong with advising a BS to stay and try to work things out if all the following conditions apply: 1. Their WS has stopped the affair and cut all contact with the AP. 2. The BS still loves their WS and wants to try. 3. The WS is willing to put in 100+% to reconcile. Of course, all BS deserve someone who doesn't cheat on them. This is a very interesting observation. I hadn't noticed that before, but in hindsight, I think you are correct. BW are often encouraged to "chin up" while BH's are encouraged to "drop the cheater." 1
krazikat Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 (edited) Hello people Thank you very much for reading and responding to my random ramblings , you are all so amazing!!! I guess I wanted to hear it from the betrayed spouses' point of view because obviously I read the other forum a lot more and everyone is speaking to the OW/OM there...it just seemed as if no one was flying the flag to support the BS's much but obviously I stand corrected as many of you have pointed out that in this part or even other forums, there is support for those who have been betrayed. So I think you have helped me to see it as a mix of things depending on the situation but that mostly, it is up to the WS to change their behaviour(drop the AP/recommit fully)...otherwise I suppose, how can you truly move forward from it? thanks for helping me understand I think the bs deserves better...and if bs is willing to give another chance to the ws and ws completely and honestly loves bs and ceases any relationship with ap IMMEDIATLY and fully invests is the marriage, and ws gives the bs better from that point on, then I believe r is possible. I am a bw...and I decided to reconcile with my h after his long term A. If at any point my fWH displayed indecisive behavior regarding his ow, I would have walked, period. I refuse to compete with ow for my marriage, because I know I deserve more than that and I should not have to compete with another woman for MY HUSBAND. If he was not sure he wanted to be with me, then I would make the decision for him. My initial response to his A was absolute fury. I wanted a divorce. I was sick with the devastation. I was head spinning, black out pissed. I threw up. I cried....I mean, I dedicated myself to this man...and he cheated for years...all while being affectionate and loving to me. I posted my story a few months ago, but a quick run down and part of my decision to R was that I had a brief r with om before my h and I were married during a time we were not officially together. This broke my h...he changed. I found out from his family that he had been planning to propose to me when this happened....and they were asking me what happened...i have never regretted anything more than my decision to sleep woth om. My now h was absolutely devestated. He started drinking, only i didnt realize how much until after we married. Our r became toxic...and i threatened divorce. During this dark time his A started...he did believe I was going to file for D. When things got better, he was already in deep with ow...and so he kept her on the side. When dday came, his decision was immediate, and he went nc, then changed his phone number when she wouldnt stop.calling/texting him. I later had to block her from calling me. I hate affairs...not only did dday bring out my crazy, but ow also was clearly hurt and lashed out at me, told me so many lies with such false sincerity that I may have believed her if I didnt have access to his texts and vm that confirmed his confession. So it brought out her crazy, too. I have empathy for her...and ls helped me see her for what she was...a hurt woman who fell in love with a man who strung her along for his own selfish reasons. She deserves better, too. Edited July 3, 2013 by krazikat 1
Got it Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 This is a very interesting observation. I hadn't noticed that before, but in hindsight, I think you are correct. BW are often encouraged to "chin up" while BH's are encouraged to "drop the cheater." I think this may be a chicken and an egg scenario. Stats show that men are less likely to continue a marriage after a PA though though an EA does not seem to have quite the same impact. So I don't think it is tied just to LS but it tends to be a more "normal" male response. I also do think financial reasons, child care, etc. play a much bigger factor for women and leaving than with me. Women tend to be the ones that are pulling in less money, if any money (not too far off topic but women are still making .70 cents to the dollar of men), tend to have primary child rearing duties, etc. I think women, in general, are in a much more vulnerable state in marriage than men are. Like so many areas of life, money makes things happen and gives more opportunities. I also think that women, more times than not, will put their children above themselves more often and potentially to the detriment of her own well being then men do.
Got it Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 Can you cite your sources? Pierre, still waiting on your sources. Care to deep dive your stats? I find them very interesting.
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